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Thread: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

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    Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    After dancing for about 1.5 years I found out I was preggers, immediately stopped and got married. I've been a stay-at-home mom since for almost 3 years now. The problem is money has been extremely tight and we're starting to struggle more and more lately. It's to the point we cannot really afford our 2nd vehicle (a necessity). Im going to have to work or do something to bring in more dough. I want to dance again because Im like my own boss and can still spend lots of time w/ our daugher still BUT my husband is SO against it and freaks out when I talk about it. He even said one time if I went back to dancing he would divorce me because it would hurt him so badly, he sees it like Im out flirting and cheating on him with other men...not the case because I was like the prudest dancer out there I dont let the guys grope me or lick or anything really. It doesnt seem fair that he would divorce me over dancing, what do u guys think?? How does your partner feel?? Advice is much appreciated.

    Another thing, Im SO nervous about going back. My tummy will never be the same lol. Who has gone back after having kids? Have u felt differently about dancing?

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    well, are there other ways for either of you to earn more income?

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    Hmm, tough spot....(again). Well, have you asked him to maybe pick up more work? Find a higher paying job, etc....? I don't know if I would risk ending my marraige over dancing personally. But I think the bigger issue here is that he doesn't trust you. My husband balked a bit when I first mentioned dancing to him, but after I pointed out that I get hit on going to the bank and grocery store and working the make-up counter just as much, he put it aside.

    I guess you have to do what other girls who have SO's that don't like the dancing thing do....Dump his ass and move on. I AM SO KIDDING!
    You should really put yourself in his shoes, and talk it out, a lot. Find out what the bigger issue is. And think about if he had come to you and said, "I'm going to be making more money, but I'll be doing something that you will not be comfortable with, and you will feel jealous and neglected and it will increase your allready built up sense of insecurity."
    Granted if most of our guys said they would become male strippers we'de be jumping up and down for joy....but let's say he decided to do something that you really didn't feel comfortable him doing, how would you want him to react, and how would you honestly react? Try to build a conversation around that thought.....

    good luck




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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    Lemme get this straight. He was okay with stripping before you were married and now he's not?

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    Thanks for your replies.

    Emily- My husband is young and still working this sales job he's been in for like 6 years, doesnt make much. He wants to go to school to do something else but he works so many hours it wouldnt work out at this moment for him to go to school. And we cant really afford it. Im 22 and I dont have any college education so the only jobs I can get are stupid high school jobs that will pay chump change w/ more hours. I would love more than anything to find a legit job allowing me to work from home.

    exotic eng.- Thats a great point about getting hit on in the grocery store, will remind him of that. I know his other big fear is "some rich guy sweeps you off your feet". It does seem like its more of a trust issue here...Im going to talk w/ him tonight about it...

    scout- When we first met I had stopped dancing for a while and had a crappy full time job I only stayed at for like 1 month. I went back to dancing and the closer we got he started HATING it. He would stay up all night while I was working worrying about my "safety" and everything else. So he has never been cool with it...

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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    how about waitressing? not even at a SC, just at a restaurant or something.

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    what about being a 'house mum' or a front door girl? there are many other options other then dancing! You could even like Emily said, be a waitress at the club.. .Though if he is going to let you do this, then talk your way into dancing.... explain the more money and finacial freedom etc.... maybe he'll come around and see it from your point of view
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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    *Curious how the talk went......




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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    I have actually tried waiting tables in a couple of restaurants...and uh, yeah its just not for me lol. Dont really want to be a housemom/door girl, to be honest with you guys I kinda miss dancing...I mean I did pretty good and enjoyed it for the most part.

    Welllll, we talked. And its still pretty much a no, but I found out the main reason he doesnt want me there. He doesnt want me to have that kind of "status". Well, he doesnt have to TELL anyone you know, and if hes so embarassed he can just say Im still a stay at home mom, I would only work a couple days a week anyway. You know how people like to judge dancers and think theyre all the same? When we were first dating he would lie to people and said I was a waitress...I cant really tell him I enjoyed stripping b/c he will think Im CRAZY so now I just dont know what to do. I told him I might cocktail waitress in a bar or a stripclub. He said bar, ok , stripclub HELL NO because one is selling alcohol one is SEX. Im like well, my job would be selling alchy either way but I get what hes saying. A little progress though, he would not divorce me no matter what I choose which is a breather for me. Should I ease into it with cocktail waitressing?? Or just jump in and hope he'll get over it?

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    I told him I might cocktail waitress in a bar or a stripclub. He said bar, ok , stripclub HELL NO because one is selling alcohol one is SEX. Im like well, my job would be selling alchy either way but I get what hes saying
    How is a strip club selling sex? A strip club is girls selling company and lap dances, not sex.

    If you were a cocktail waitress in a bar, guys would hit on you, ask for your number, and yuo would tell them no, because your happily married.

    If you were a dancer, guys would hit on you, ask for your number, and you would tell them no cause your happily married.


    When guys have a problem with their girl dancing, theres some underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Usually its some kind of control, security, trust,jealousy issue.
    Heres, its some kind of security issue. he thinks your gonna get swept off your feet by some other guy. And why is that only able to happen if you worked as a dancer? you come across guys you could run away with ever single day. Whos to say that some incredibly rich, hot guy doesnt walk into the bar you waitress in and try to sweep you off your feet there? Whats the diffference?
    Address the security/trust issue. Truth be told, if your gonna cheat, or leave your husband, the last person your gonna leave him for is some customer in a strip club.

    And as for the "status" noone needs to know what your doing, not that you should ever feel embarassed by your job, but you dont have to tell anyone what you really do. My family thinks I am a cocktail waitress.

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    my boyfriend is not happy with me dancing either.
    i think your husband sounds too controlling and not just in regards to dancing. he is even objecting to you working as a waitress at a strip club.
    i know all relationships are compromise, especially when married but why does he expect u to struggle through life and go without? thats not fair either.
    good luck.

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    mild2wild, you do realize that being a door girl means making maybe around $10 an hr. Waitressing even is a little eh, esp. if you don't live in a major city. Let's face it, entry level jobs just don't have the kind of money a new mother really needs to support her family. (but in the case you have family helping you out, maybe you can get away with it. I'm assuming you don't, or else you probably wouldn't be in a rush to start dancing again.)
    "We all must suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. In order to achieve what others don't, you have to do what others won't."


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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    We do not ask family for money. Period. Even though they do have the funds to help we just dont want to go there.

    You know, I have really sacrificed a heck of alot of things staying at home for 3 years. I really think I DESERVE to do something I would enjoy doing to bring more money in instead of some crappy waitressing/highschool job. He says he's not going to divorce me and to make my own decision so now it's decision making time. I want to dance regardless of what he's saying because I KNOW what goes on in the club and Im not going to do ANYTHING that would be disrespectful to him or myself, I know more about what really goes on than he does. Some people think stripclubs are like in the movies.
    Now if I were to go back to dancing would I be SELFISH? Not compromising enough?
    How am I going to work without feeling GUILTY knowing he's hating it?
    He used to wait up for me all night when I used to dance and felt like he couldnt be close to me when I came home and that REALLY ticked me off.

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    Senior Member destiny2980's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    This is just my opinion but I think that if it could seriously reuin a good marriage then its probably something that you shouldnt do. There are other ways to make money. Its not going to be as easy or nearly as much as dancing but to have a happy husband at home is worth it.

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    I really have no advise (sorry)

    I was with my boyfriend when we were 17 and I got pregnant (first few months of dating)

    At the time I weighed 127 lbs

    6 weeks after my 18th birthday I delivered my son him weighing 9lbs 1oz and me weighing 200 lbs..... Ouch.

    I breastfed him exclusivly but still a year later I was only down to 160.... I was just fat... at junk, didnt excersize.... pure fat.

    I finally lost some weight this past summer and when September rolled around (my son was 1 and a half) I decided to dance.

    There are girls at the club with kids who look much better and their are girls who have it worse.... Some guys think I'm fat and some dont believe I was once pregnant. My breasts really got it the worst from the pregnancy and over a year of breastfeeding.

    I have stretch marks on my legs, ass and breasts that go unnoticed in the club. My belly is a bit jiggaly so I wear clothes that flatter my shape and I suck it in a lot.

    My best feature is my hair and my ass so I try and really make a point to use and flaunt those and it destracts people from my belly.

    Also I found posture really helps my belly look flatter and my breasts look perkier.

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    Hey Destiny, I see under your profile youre married. How does your hubby feel about you dancing?

    Collegegirl- I got stretch marks in the same places, however, they have faded significatly. That loose skin on the tummy still bugs me but I see what you mean that sucking in an posture sure does help w/ that. Its good to hear you breastfeed for a year so did I

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    Featured Member Katherine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    I felt way worse about myself as a bartender at a reg bar thant I ever have as a dancer. Maybe get a job in a reg bar and just complain till he comes around? My ex would always give in to shit just to shut me up! (I'm jewish, so I'm great at the guilt trip complaining thing...)

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    Ask him to try it for, say, 3 months or so, and then you will talk again and decide if you want to continue dancing. Once he sees that you are still coming home to him every night, and how much money you are bringing home, it may change his mind.

    Believe me, when you start having an income and the money troubles ease up a lot, he will feel much more comfy about his life. He will probably be less inclined to worry about some rich guy carrying you off, if your financial situation with him is less stressful.


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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    I've had similar discussions with my husband. before we met i was a dancer too, then stoped for a while cause the place i worked at went to hell...met him and got married. i dont have kids but we are painfuly straped for cash (even though we both work). i've been loosing my extra weight to dance again cause i know its good money. he dosnt approve either (for his coplaint its that i might get a staker...i think i have one at the resturant i work at anyway, lol) but he does respect my independance and merely disaproves but is allowing me to go through with it...anyway..

    .for most men it is a trust issue. your hubby probbly thinks you're gonna cheat on him or get a suggar daddy and leave him. i'm sorry your husband dosn't trust you enough to let you do what you want or need. to be honest i'm the kinda gal who'd rather be alone that with a guy who tells me what to do, and my husband knows that...he loves me enough to let me do whatever it is i want and trusts me to know that i'll be loyal to him. hell...this is the guy who'd let me go to fetish parties with my ex because he never wanted to go with me. i'd go...and tell him, guys felt me up & i got a spanking...take off you clothes!! now!!

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    Default Re: Going back to work after baby, husband doesnt approve, ugh

    Quote Originally Posted by lilhotmama View Post
    Im 22 and I dont have any college education so the only jobs I can get are stupid high school jobs that will pay chump change w/ more hours. I would love more than anything to find a legit job allowing me to work from home.

    He would stay up all night while I was working worrying about my "safety" and everything else. So he has never been cool with it...
    Have you thought of secretarial work? It is easy and the pay is way better than waitressing and usually comes with benefits. Some areas secretaries make $25,000-55,000. Most smaller metropolitan areas you can make $20,000-30,000. If you can't type what about receptionist positions they pay nearly as well & you just answer the phone, my last pick would be telemarketing (right down from my house they pay $10-15 hr. + bennies). Just make sure to wear a nice professional suit if you go in to interview for the higher paid positions. They are easy to land if you look the part because so many people go in to interview wearing street clothes.

    I also just wanted to let you know that your husband worrying about your safety seems to be a normal reaction. My hubby had the same prob when I was dancing, and I have known several other girls who had to reassure their hubbys. Taking my cell and checking in periodically from the dressing room seemed to make things easier.

    Best of Luck!
    Jasmine

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