....because I'm as witty as a burlap sack.
But I had another little panic attack at work last night (first one in months). I hate those. I get all adrenaliney, trembling, breaking out into a cold-sweat, thinking I might break the guy's nose any second...
Well the snappy comeback is nothing to do with lapdancing...I think I get these attacks when I feel very helpless at work. Like when I'm trying to hustle snotty ass meanies, who say things like "god, I don't come here for THAT", as if asking him for a dance is just so INSULTING. He rolls his eyes at stage and says "really, that all does nothing for me...I come here for the cheap beer, free food, and this comfy couch here. Nowhere else in the area can I get that, you know?".
GRR they're just so smarmy sometimes, and the interactions I have with them leave me feeling so weakened and degraded...it's hard to explain, but this is how I'm starting to think I get in a state that leads to lapdance-panic attacks (incidentally, I got the one yesterday under control and was fine for the rest of the shift...also, this never happens when I drink, but it seems like a bad reason to start drinking again).
Or when I walk up and can't open my mouth before they say "no!". Jesus. I know people have complained about that before, but it's sooo hard to get two-three times in a row. Or when they gesture me over from across the room, try to feel me up when I sit there, and then say "No I don't want a dance! That's no fun! Let's you and me go out for some REAL fun" and no amount of persuasion can convince them that anything less than sex is fun. FUCK. Sorry...but I think if I had some way to assert myself to some of these a-holes, instead of leaving and cursing them under my breath as I walk away...I think I'd be able to get back some feeling of autonomy, and that might decrease my anxiety issues. Any thoughts? Jenny, you always have such clever things to say...can I borrow some?



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Of course add a big eyeroll and immediately walk away, giving him no time to respond, then move right to another customer with a big smile on your face
Money Makes Me Horny

Then I suddenly felt really guilty for being bitchy and entitled towards a crippled man, who obviously didn't mean to insult me by the way he said "oh, I didn't mean you have to leave" (it was kinda the look he gave me...dismayed, not smarmy at all", and then I got very, very sad for being so cruel. I have a strong disposition to feeling very bad for people who are already treated unjustly being victimized...and for the last week, I've been writing a term paper that partially focuses on the misrepresentation of the disabed community. Anyway, this has turned into a very long ramble about me screwing up, and consequently feeling very bad for hurting someone's feelings, rather than regretting the financial loss (I might have felt differently if I had a poor $$ week, but that wasn't the case...and anyway, I always seem to have to convince myself to make money...it's not the obvious goal it should be!) 
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