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Thread: The First Christmas

  1. #1
    Veteran Member lwtex52's Avatar
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    Default The First Christmas

    I was visiting with my friends the Walker Brothers (Johnnie and Hiram) when I was moved by The Spirit. That means this isn't any better or worse than the usual crap I trot out. So Merry Christmas and remember to not pass out with your head in the fireplace. Nothing is worse than waking up with your hair on fire and a fat man sitting on your face.

    *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*The First Christmas*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
    *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*A Zephyr Production*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
    Directed by: Zephyr
    Written by: Zephyr
    God plays Himself.

    And it came to pass that God was feeling lonely and depressed, and his angel and sidekick, Barney of Fife, said unto him, "Boss, thou art feeling lonely and depressed, why doest thou not go to Earth and find a nice girl with which to have an affair? How much trouble could that possibly cause?"

    The Lord did go to earth, however an affair was not to be had. He did get in a few rounds of golf and it was during one such round that he discovered a young couple in the bullrushes, claiming to look for Moses. The Lord did send them home, then visited the woman, Mary, bringing with Him a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

    The Lord appeareth before Mary a second time and said "yea, for we have received the results of thy test, and the water haveth turned blue, and the rabbit haveth died. In other words, oopseth! Thou art with child!"

    Mary replied, "But Lord, I am to marry Joseph soon. What shall I tell him?"

    The Lord sayeth, "Ah, just tell 'im God did it. That would be MY move...."

    Mary then replied, "But where will I have the baby? That cheap bast....er...my beloved Joseph haveth not a medical plan, not even a PPO. Hell, he won't even get a discount card at CVS Pharmacy."

    The Lord continueth, "Thou shalt mount thy jackass and travel to Bethlehem, and the child will be born there...."

    Mary said, "I don't think Joseph can carry me that far....."

    And God said, "Not THAT jackass"

    Mary thinketh for a moment, and did sayeth to the Lord, "Can we just take a cab?" But the Lord replieth, "Nay, for someday a film would be made of this blessed event, and I wanteth not to biddeth the corporate sponsorships to cab companies, get off your ass and get on that one, then rideth."

    And so it came to be that Mary and Joseph did travel to Bethlehem, to payeth their taxes, to be counted in the census, and to possibly watcheth the Eagles play.

    And the Lord sayeth, "Narrator, you idiot! I did not meaneth Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, which sitteth just outside of Philadelphia! The child cannot be born there for they haveth not three wise men, nor a virgin! Thy needeth to beareth down!"

    So Mary and Joseph did travel to the burg of Bethlehem. It was there that the baby was born, and Mary, looking at the child, asked, "Joseph, what shall we name him?"

    At that moment, from the East, came three wise men: Moe, Larry, and Curley, who did bestow upon the baby Jesus gifts and blessings, including 7 days and 6 nights in Las Vegas. As each wise man entered the room, he bowed before the baby. However, Curley did enter, bumping his head, and exclaiming, "Jesus Christ!", whereupon Joseph did answer, "Let's go with that name, Mary! It's much better than Waldo!"

    So the child came to be called Jesus, and would go on to do great works, and many famous Latin-American baseball players would be named after him.
    My latest conspiracy theory: I am convinced that Dick Cheney is, in reality, Elmer Fudd.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: The First Christmas

    Oh, Zeph! You never fail to make me a happy woman!

  3. #3
    God/dess Gynger's Avatar
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    Default Re: The First Christmas

    LMFAO!!!

    I have tears streaming down my face... Thank you! Thank you! Thank yoU!!!!!!


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