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Thread: not ready to retire!!

  1. #1
    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Sad not ready to retire!!

    ok so my boyfriend and i came to an agreement that i would dance until the end of this year and then i would quit. so all up i have been dancing just over 2 months.
    anyway i agreed to this deal and now my problem is - i want to keep dancing!
    i was not lying at the time i did intend to stop when i agreed to but i don't feel ready to give it up.
    im just getting good at it - the hustle, making money etc.
    sure it's not the most ideal job in the world from the point of view of a relationship and i understand his insecurities about it.
    but before i make more dancing in one night than i used to in a month at my previous job!!
    i think it would be foolish to give it up.
    not to mention i really want to get a nose job/rhinoplasty and if i continue dancing i can afford to pay for that and my bills and other luxury items that i have been enjoying since i started dancing.

    what should i do?
    would it be really wrong to go back on my deal?
    im already feeling depressed about the thought of stopping and giving up my new found financial freedom. i dont want to resent him for making me stop either.

  2. #2
    Featured Member echomadison's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    And really why should you have to give up doing something you enjoy and make money doing, which is perfectly legal, just because someone else isnt secure enough with themselves to have a stripper girlfriend. Were you dancing when you started dating him? If so there is no reason he should object, if he had a problem he shouldnt have started dating you in the first place. If you started dancing after you got with him, this is still something he should have objected to in the first place, not tell you that you are "allowed" to dance until the new year. WTF? Is he your parent? If you wanna dance, you are an adult, by all means DANCE! Fuck a man, is he gonna pay your bills? Just me personally but I would never stop doing something I enjoyed, that doesnt involve hurting myself or others and is legal, just because of someone elses insecurities. What are his reasons for wanting you to quit? He doesnt "approve"? If its all about him being insecure, either explain it to him or say fuck him. I dont mean for this to come off as really bitchy if it does, I just hate insecure men...My ex was like that and insecurity breeds all types of other relationship problems...jealousy, controlling behavior and no one needs that! Its HIS probelm not yours! Good luck and I hope you make a good decision, I know it can be hard when you love someone but someone who loves you will accept you for who you are. A damn stripper! haha

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    Featured Member MadisonM's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    Just explain to him that when you made the deal, you thought it was something you would be willing to do, but now that the time is coming closer, you just aren't ready to give it up yet. Explain your reasons just like you have here- the money, independence, flexible scheduling- anything you like about the job that you wouldn't be able to get from a different job. Just explain that the more you think about it, the more you come to realize that it would be a bad idea to give it up at this point, and hopefully he'll be mature enough to understand.
    Take the road less traveled- just make sure you have a map.

  4. #4
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    I dont think you should stop at all.
    Never give up good things for the sake of a relationship if there is no valid reason for doing so. His insecurities are not a good reason. Shame you made the deal, I dont think you should have done that in the first place but anyway too late now, lol. Youre a big girl, quite capable of making your own decisions though, he shouldnt be trying to dictate to you what you can do and for how long! (-:

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    Featured Member echomadison's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    I also just got done reading your other post about said boyfriend...how he is jealous of SW?!?! He doesnt sound very healthy, he seems very insecure about everything not just you dancing! Oh yeah and what happens if you dont quit? Has there been an ultimatum?

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    yeh he is insecure and i have made an effort to reassure him.
    he has not given me an ultimatim though.
    i think i will have until after NYE off as I don't think it will be worth working money-wise? then im just going to have to tell him that I have changed my mind.
    i cannot go back to retail after dancing i will be soooooo miserable. even a bad night dancing if better than a week of retail.
    i agree i totally should not have agreed to a time limit before i started dancing, that was just yet another controlling behaviour.
    in all other ways he is the perfect guy for me except the controlling behaviour.

    what are your thoughts on your boyfriend/SO asking how much u made when u get home from work?
    i find this very rude as i dont even know how much he earns PA, we dont live together and we are not married. i find it very intrusive.

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    Featured Member echomadison's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    Yeah its not really any of his business, I personally dont mind, but if it bothers you dont tell him. I live with my boyfriend and he always asks me how my night was when I get off work...I know what he means by "how was your night", he means did I make good money or was it shitty. I never give him an exact dollar amount, thats is just rude to ask, I just say "I did good" or "It was shitty". So yeah just be vague, I doubt if after you tell him your answer he will have enough clout to ask a dollar amount! And what does it matter how much money YOU made at work? haha He just wants another thing to be insecure about, his woman makes more money than him! Or next time he asks you how much you made, ask him how much HE made this week! haha REVERSAL!

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    im just being chicken about starting the "i still want to dance conversation"
    SW = moral support for me!
    thanks xoxoxox *hugs*

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    Featured Member echomadison's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    Oh and I am sure its not going to be a fun conversation...so are you going to keep dancing no matter what he says?
    SW can be a good place for support, there is always gonna be someone on here who has been through an almost identical situation! Strippers unite!

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    God/dess Embyr's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    jaizaine... if you want to see how insecurities ruin relationships, please look up some of my previous posts, and watch boyfriend drama ensue... oy gavult! Look- if you already have doubts about his motives, then don't EVER EVER EVER cut yourself off, sell yoursef short, or not reach for your full potential because of a guy. NOT WORTH IT! You come first. Besides- the important thing is that you realize his wanting you to stop is for HIM, not for you... it's because of his own issues, he is not even truly looking ut for your bes interests. I will say this much... if my boy didn't want my dancing because of his problems and he was acting like a total ass, and my parents support and encourage it because they know how great it treats me, who do we listen to? Insecure man not comfortable "sharing" his girl, or extra-supportive parents who want u to have the best in life? I listened to my most excellent parents, as always.

    I say keep dancing. tell the boy to boost his esteem quick or there'll be problems/

  11. #11
    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    sure am, not giving it up or ill end up just being miserable and poor like i used to be.
    anyway i work at a full-nude, no contact club it's not like there is anything going on.
    i also have a sense of achievement after work coz how much i make is 100% up to my efforts - just another thing i like about dancing. not like retail where i could work my arse off and still get paid the same shitty amount of $$$$$$$
    i have to live life for me.

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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    Exactly. To me, dancing = ability. The time, money, and security that I never had working 50 hrs a week at GNC, even as a manager. I think of how I lived month-to-month, how I had been saving up for a bike for a year and was nowhere close (with dancing I bought it after 2 months!), how desperate I always felt in my gut. Now I can focus on establishing long-term security, I got back to my education, I have LEIsure time, and I have spending money, if I actually chose to spend it. ahah. I have the ability to do what/when I want... including work MOre, which I love! Plus, it's different. Bella21 said something a while ago to that effect... it's not some type of shovel-around, underappreciated and undercompensated craptastic job... it's certainly not as glamorous as some would like to think, but it's challenging in its own way, fun, spontaneous, not a freakin cubicle 4736 job, and we are definitely compensated if we are good salespeople.

    You ARE still in sales... just selling a different product with better pay.

  13. #13
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    Yep, its not really his buisness how much you make etc. Im all for SO asking how the night was etc, but not getting straight to the money and asking how much.
    And "controlling' and "perfect for you" in the same sentance? Controlling is a major flaw in my book, it cancles out positive traits.


    Quote Originally Posted by jaizaine View Post
    yeh he is insecure and i have made an effort to reassure him.
    he has not given me an ultimatim though.
    i think i will have until after NYE off as I don't think it will be worth working money-wise? then im just going to have to tell him that I have changed my mind.
    i cannot go back to retail after dancing i will be soooooo miserable. even a bad night dancing if better than a week of retail.
    i agree i totally should not have agreed to a time limit before i started dancing, that was just yet another controlling behaviour.
    in all other ways he is the perfect guy for me except the controlling behaviour.

    what are your thoughts on your boyfriend/SO asking how much u made when u get home from work?
    i find this very rude as i dont even know how much he earns PA, we dont live together and we are not married. i find it very intrusive.

  14. #14
    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    yeh you're right i know i guess i just have to put my foot down, controlling is shit.
    i really really want to get my nose done, ive wanted to get it done since i was about 14 and im 27 and im done trying to work shit jobs and save coz the most ive ever been able to save for it is $2K and then i lost my job and had to spend it on bills.
    Not only that but i no longer feel miserable all the time coz im living pay check to pay check like i was and always had to borrow money off my boyfriend or parents. it's the best feeling to have financial freedom for the first time in my life.

    sometimes at work when im exhausted and not having the best night i think yeh im over this job but when counting my cash at the end of the night and after a decent amount of sleep im ready for my next shift.

  15. #15
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    Yep, there are down sides to the job sometimes, but I alwys think it beats doing plenty of other things! (-: Do whats right for you, you'll regret it if you dont!

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    Featured Member flickad's Avatar
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    I think it'd be a good idea to have an honest talk with him, telling him exactly what you've told us about why you're not ready to give it up. I can't tell you how he'll react, but I do think honesty is the best policy here.

  17. #17
    Picaresque
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    Default Re: not ready to retire!!

    ^^ i agree, talk to him and lay it out for him. But you said you were putting off having the conversation, and it sounds like you're afraid of what he might say or do in response. DON'T BE. Don't approach the conversation with an apprehensive mentality of asking his permission to re-negotiate the "agreement". Approach it from a position of "the new year is a perfect time to clean house in my life, so I'm going to TELL (not ask) my (controlling, manipulative, limiting, but otherwise perfect for me ) boyfriend that I intend to better my life and keep dancing. Let's see what his reaction is, so I know whether or not to toss him and start the new year without all the bullshit drama and guilt trips."

    Sure, explain why you are choosing to keep dancing so he knows where you're coming from, but you don't need to waste energy coming up with all kinds of excuses, reasoning, rationalization, etc. to placate him. Ideally you two could have a mature discussion about it and come to an understanding, but that's not likely if your SO is a control freak. At some point you just have to say this is what I'm doing and why; it's not up for further debate. Decide whether or not you can deal with it, and if not, there's the door--happy new year.

    You don't need his permission to keep dancing. In fact, you don't need HIM at all, esp. if he is controlling. I suspect that's the main reason why he doesn't want you dancing. Money---> independence, freedom---> power. If you're making good $$ dancing, then you don't need to rely on him for support, adn he has no power or control over you.

    Been there, done that. Most recently with a BF who supported (actually *encouraged*!) me to dance and wanted the best for me--he wanted me to make money, be able to afford school, get away from an abusive home life, and live comfortably. He had common sense and knew me well enough to know that there was no way I would ever do extras or cheat, and was secure with himself and trusted me, so there was no drama. $$ was never a problem either--he simply didn't feel threatened by me making money.

    Contrast that with the ex I had before him, and it was totally different. I can tell you from experience that this is only the beginning. First it was "I can't stand to think of you dancing, what will people think, i feel like you're cheating", whore nonsense blah blah blah, the usual rubbish. Then it was "I want to you to quit your bartending job b/c men might hit on you there"...then "you have to call me/I'm going to call you a million times when you go out with friends"...then "you can't wear that, other guys will check you out"... "you can't talk to any of your male friends"... "you can't go out with your friends, period, unless i'm there"... "if you study abroad I'll leave, b/c you can't be alone in another country with cute foreign guys"..."i won't let you work at night b/c i want you home with me"...by the time I finally kicked that controlling piece of shit out of my life, I was broke, in debt, had to move back in with my parents, depressed, miserable, neglecting everything that was important to me, lonely and missing my friends...ugh.

    Even if your BF isn't a controlling piece of shit, you still have to look out for yourself first. There's no guarantee that anyone else will ever support you financially. You have to do what you have to do to provide for yourself and give yourself a decent life. A man worth having will appreciate and admire that!

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