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Thread: In love with a bad man

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    Featured Member Kalligirl's Avatar
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    Default In love with a bad man

    He's manipulative, he sucks, he just fucking sucks and is putting me thru dumb bullshit.



    I'm not a masochist, it didn't start out this way, and now I feel like a constant panic-attack thing going on.... has anyone ever felt this way? so fucking frustrated, because you love this man even though he is so bad for you? constant lying, then the "i'm sorrys" and the make up to break up cycle...

    I don't know if I'm addicted, if I am just lonely cause in all honesty, despite how close I am to him and how much I love him, hes a selfish prick that has done some evil shit to me and has my mind so warped I'm up right now at 5:29 in the morning cause I can't sleep cause he didn't call me which leads me back to stressing out about past events. <sigh> I moved 700 miles away from him, and he still has a hold on me.

    I didn't speak to him for two months because of this exact shit thats going on right now (his non-existant common curtesey of knowin how to call me back)... I saw him a few weeks ago when I was working in FL and I'm back in the same place. Alone, waiting on him to call, I finally fall asleep and my anger dissapates cause he's always so apologetic and has some excuse to why he didn't call....

    Now, you may think: Girl, you are paranoid, maybe its you with the problem. He just didn't call, go to sleep.

    Well, yes, I do have a problem, I am fucking idiot because I stay with him, but he has given me good reason to flip the fuck out like this more than... a lot of times.

    SO, LADIES, WHY!?!?! Why can't I get him out of my head? Why won't he leave me alone? Why does he claim to love me, want to marry me, and treat me like shit? How do I break this cycle? Help...

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  3. #2
    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    you just have to be strong with yourself. this sounds like my ex, we were engaged. the lies, and the deceit was unbelievable. you have to tell yourself the thing you alreayd know- that he is bad news for you, and that it's really unhealthy for you to stay with him, to have to deal with the heartache, the tears, the constant emotional abuse (lies and then im sorrys). you are not a fucking idiot, you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. you want him to have changed, you want him to call, to suddenly stand up to his word that he *does* love you and such, but it's never going to stop.

    Liars never change, never stop lying. <------ proven fact.

    get out while you can still salvage you. be strong with yourself, and cut off communication. cold turkey. delete his number so you dont know it anymore. from me to you, ive been there, it was just a year and 2 weeks ago that i quit him cold turkey. and it was torturous for the first few months. but im SO much happier now. you CAN do it. really. you can.

    Love it!

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    Featured Member francescadubois's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Chrissy is so right. Those first months are absolute hell. You will lay in that bed and cry your eyes into a puffy mess for a while, believe me. But honey, when the sun comes back out and you realize that you are doing the right thing for yourself, you will feel so in control of your life. It's a really rewarding life moment, I think.

    Do the right thing and forget about him. It'll hurt like hell, but it'll hurt a little less every day.

    Francesca
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    Banned jasmine's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    I know this is controversal advice & many times I would say you just need time to yourself, but if you've already tried that and it isn't working.....

    Find a new man. The best way to get over one is with another. (A quote from a dearly loved relative.)
    Just make sure this one is a good guy. (No blue collar, minimum wage, or might be going to jail types.) The best thing is if a rebound guy treats you badly its pretty easy to move on.

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    Veteran Member StuartL's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Ditch him. Any woman who describes the behaviour of their boyfriend as 'evil' needs a new boyfriend. Simple as that.

    Contrary to popular belief, not all men are bastards. Find a better one.

    Good luck.

  7. #6
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.

    I guarantee that you will forget him after a really good fling or one-night stand.

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    God/dess KamrynAnne's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    god sounds like my ex... crazy love/hate relationship filled with lies and deceit.. you'll get to a point when you cant take it anymore.. you'll wake up one day and realize how unhealthy the relationship is....

  9. #8
    Pamela
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    You love him...you're not crazy.

    He may not love you. The best way to get over him, is get out with some friends. Meet another man to hang with and enjoy your life! Go slow, have fun.

    You will look back one day and see him as nothing more than a waste of your time.

    Good luck.

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    Veteran Member wonderkitty's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    I say give yourself a little bit of time then find a new man. I think if I hadn't found a new guy I'd still be a mess over my ex. And it is true, liars never stop lying. I know people who lie all the time for no reason and even if you catch them and point out how stupid the lies are they just can't quit. They think people would rather hear lies than the truth ad you can't seem to change their minds about that.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Quote Originally Posted by Kalligirl View Post
    SO, LADIES, WHY!?!?! Why can't I get him out of my head? Why won't he leave me alone? Why does he claim to love me, want to marry me, and treat me like shit? How do I break this cycle? Help...
    Because for SOME reason, you've given up control.

    Kalligirl. You are in control of this situation. You can not change him but you can change YOU. Break out of this funk you're in, and stop acting helpless. I say this in utter kind, but you are NOT helpless, I promise.

    Kalli, what do you want out of this situation. Be precise. Be exact.


    When you've done this draw your lines. And do NOT let them be crossed.
    SO, LADIES, WHY!?!?! Why can't I get him out of my head? Why won't he leave me alone? Why does he claim to love me, want to marry me, and treat me like shit? How do I break this cycle? Help...
    Because your letting the good things overshadow the bad things. When you're alone you think of all those good times, the pain is easy to forget, even more so when you've lost your limits and your willingness to walk away.

    Look, it's harder than it sounds, I know, but it can be done. You need to regain your willingness to walk away by seeing him for what he really is. Look at the situation and see yourself as he sees you on an act by act basis, and do NOT allow him to mistreat you or TREAT you as anything less than an equal. When he does, get verbal with him and hold your ground. In time, he will sloooooowly make you want to leave him. You need to do it this way though, you can't do it cold turkey, he earned you into his life, make him, through action, earn his way out.

    Good luck.
    Snoogins.
    Mast.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Featured Member Paintbaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Is this what you would want for a sister, best friend, or daughter? No? Then why is it good enough for you?

    He already knows he can treat you like shit and get away with it---so he has no reason to stop doing so. And guys like this stay shitheads for life---so don't think your love will change him. It won't. And breaking up with him may get him to change his behaviour long enough to reel you back in, but it won't make him do a 180 on his personality.

    Stop wasting your time, and confusing drama and codependency with love. A guy who loves you would not treat you like this. Plain and simple. And if you loved yourself, you would not be putting up with this treatment. Can't love someone till you learn how to love yourself. Ditch the loser and start there.

  13. #12
    beauty21queen
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    I've been through the EXACT same crap and would always ask myself WHY????why do I stay after he treats me like shit,beats me,doesnt take care of me and our daughter financially, cheats on me,etc..etc.. pretty much just a fucking worthless loser But one day I finally said to myself that I didn't deserve that because no one does and when I feel like I want to go back I always remind myself of how unhappy I was and how im soo happy now. You need to be strong and let him go.

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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Quote Originally Posted by jasmine View Post
    I know this is controversal advice & many times I would say you just need time to yourself, but if you've already tried that and it isn't working.....

    Find a new man. The best way to get over one is with another. (A quote from a dearly loved relative.)
    Just make sure this one is a good guy. (No blue collar, minimum wage, or might be going to jail types.) The best thing is if a rebound guy treats you badly its pretty easy to move on.


    Hey! Hey! I object to the no Blue Collar guys part! There are plenty of Blue Collar types that make fantastic money. Welders for example. We are talking 30-40 dollars an hour. Plumbers, electricians, finish carpenters, Masons, etc all make great wages and can have a 100,000 plus income in the right locations.

    Cut the Blue collars a break. OK?

  15. #14
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    ^^^ I don't think she was talking specifically about money... more the macho mentality that is more prevalent among blue-collar guys. YES, I know there are exceptions, but as a general rule the blue-collar guys are more likely to be judgemental, self-absorbed, demanding, abusive, etc.

    The better educated a guy is, the more respect he has for women. There are a few exceptions (my own guy is one), but only a few.

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    Featured Member Kalligirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    I just re-read what I wrote. Its so funny, I'm a pretty private person and when it comes to showing vulernability, I try not to-- and that was a pretty vulnerable post!!,, but I'm glad I posted it because that is truly how I felt, that is truly how I feel each time he does shit like that.

    All of your responses have really made me feel a lot better. I am going to read, and re-read them over til I have them tattoo'd in my brain.

    I talked to the jerk this morning when I woke up, and just kinda threw my hands up at the situation. Same lies, same bullshit story, same blah blah blah.

    Thanks for all your help guys

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    Featured Member sophiemarie's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Sounds like you are addicted to abuse. Lots of women are they just are not aware of it.



    I Love Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    ^^^ I don't think she was talking specifically about money... more the macho mentality that is more prevalent among blue-collar guys. YES, I know there are exceptions, but as a general rule the blue-collar guys are more likely to be judgemental, self-absorbed, demanding, abusive, etc.

    The better educated a guy is, the more respect he has for women. There are a few exceptions (my own guy is one), but only a few.

    I categorically disagree.
    A Degree is neither a guarantor of good behavior or intelligence, simply that one can accomplish a structured goal. You and I have each met educated Idiots with ogreish behavior.

    but as a general rule the blue-collar guys are more likely to be judgemental, self-absorbed, demanding, abusive, etc. You can put in Stripper chicks instead of blue collar guys and make this assumption also.

    Certificate programs do not mean uneducated since these require a great deal of study, practice, and more telling is that the person must demonstrate they can do the job before the Certificate.

    What you a faulting is Manners. That is the problem. Manners are no longer taught, demonstrated by responsible adults, or rewarded when by compliment when used.

    Kalligirl
    I hijacked your thread. My Apologies.

    My recommendations if you should care to consider them. 1) Time for you to move on. If this relationship is causing you such distress there is no way it can be good.
    2) With any further contact with the soon to be Ex I recommend journaling it. A Journal kept containing the names, places, dates, and times will make the inconsistencies in his stories all the more evident. 3) Tell all your friends that you a finished with this Guy so they know not to be manipulated too.
    4) Limit his ability to contact you. this method is the biggest pain in the ass for you. Means changing email addresses, a new unlisted phone number, etc.

    Good luck

  19. #18
    Featured Member Kalligirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Just for the record...

    I hold myself in pretty good self esteem. I am not conceited, but I don't look down on myself. I do love myself. I like me, and who I am, and what I have accomplished.

    However--

    I don't think women who are in abusive relationships don't love themselves or are addicted to abuse. There are good and bad people out there. When a good person, gets with a bad person, sometimes the good person will wrack their brain trying to figure out bad person motives when, he just a bad fucking person and they don't want to admit it! Sometimes, bad men, disguise themselves (like mine did) for a very long time til their true colors come out. Mike and I, our relationshp was all rainbows and unicorns for almost a year and half-- Sometimes men (and women) are sociopaths, master manipulators, and will break a good persons psyche down and it takes strength to build it back up..... And I think in my case, I just want to know so bad **why**. But all in all, I REALLY HATE abuse, especially when it comes to moi.

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    Default Re: In love with a bad man

    Kalligirl

    To Be Honest With You Honey.... No One Can Tell You When Its Time To Go. You Will Either Wake Up One Day And Just Know That You Can Do Better, He Will Leave You (which Will Be Good For You) Or The 2 Of You Will Stay In This Cycle Until Something Happens. I Have Just Gotten Out Of This Cycle About A Month Ago (thanks To This Exact Forum And Ladies Giving Me Advice). I Feel Free Now, I Am Alone But I Am Happy. I Am Not Dating Anyone But Myself Right Now. I Still Love Him But I Know It Is Just Not Going To Work. Why... I Was Just Tired Of The Cycle! The "he Didn't Call Me Lastnight", The "what Happened To You Lastnight" And The "i Was Out With My Friends" Or I "fell Asleep". I Got Tired Of Hearing It And Got Tired Of Crying! You Will Get To That Point. At First It Was Hard But I Am Feeling Better Everyday That Goes Bad. When I Feel Like I Miss Him, I Will Watch A Movie Or Listen To Good Music. You Got To Focus On You And You Alone! The First Step Is To ..... Just Dont Talk To Him! Dont Talk To Him ! Start With That And You Will Be On Your Way! Good Luck! P.s If I Can Do It After 5yrs, With 3yrs Being Married.. You Surly Can Do It Too!

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