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Thread: Can lack of complaining work against you?

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Can lack of complaining work against you?

    Sorry for so many posts...I've just been thinking through a few things and curious about some stuff.

    Growing up, I was frequently told(mostly by parents and/or teachers) not to whine and complain. I was told by parents that complaining incessantly wouldn't get me anywhere. For the most part, they were right. As a result, I grew up being the type of person who would vent a lot to close friends or on annonymous website boards, but out in the real world, would take a lot of shit while grinning-n-bearing it. (This, of course, is known as unassertiveness or not having a spine) I already wrote about how I had a lot of problems plaguing my life around 2yrs ago...during that time, I would complain to my friends in hopes to seek out advice or their help. A few of my so-called "friends"(later I realized they really weren't truly there for me) got into the habit of saying "stop the bitchin." Not that it wasn't understandable as to why I would be complaining, but that they simply didn't want to hear it(hence them not being true friends) because they didn't want to go outta their way to help me. (Funny, but some of my problems, such as being owed money that I really needed, were problems caused by them!)

    So one day, I was in an especially tight situation. Basically the situation was a conglomeration of many problems I was facing at the time(domino effect). I waited at this bar/restaurant while I tried to call people for help, and ended up talking to this guy(mid-20s in age). At one point, it came out about my situation and the guy actually said, "Wow, I don't know if I can really believe that, because you don't appear overly upset. If I were in your shoes, I'd be totally devastated!!! I'd be throwing a crying fit!" He was hesitating if he should help me(I needed a ride; I was stranded!), but was skeptical if I was telling the truth or not...simply because I acted so calm and poised about it, as opposed to crying and complaining! Here all along, my friends were telling me "stop the bitchin" yet now, my stopped-bitchin was working against me!(LOL as the guy contemplated with his jerk friends about helping me, I texted all this to the two particular friends that had said "stop the bitchin", in a very "I-told-you-so" tone). Meanwhile, the guy's jerk friends were accusing me of being a "deceptive liar," claiming that I was probably making up my problems as a way to get this guy to help me so that I would later steal off him or something. Eventually, I started to act a little irate and speak in a tone of desperation, and I think that prompted the guy to agree to help me out. (LOL he was cute, too!)

    Before that, I was working various menial jobs where it seemed that they ignored my work availability amongst other things. Even when I told them about it, they still seemed to ignore my requests, simply because I wasn't throwing a crying fit about it like the immature coworkers. Or maybe my calmness made them think that it wasn't that "desperate" of an issue?

    So I'm wondering...are there times that NOT complaining/whining, can actually hurt you? Not even in the sense of "speaky wheel gets the oil," but in the sense that people might not believe that it is an issue requiring attention? Hmmm just curious.

  2. #2
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    Sure, people will walk all over you if you don't confront them and speak up. There's a point of excess, but I can empathize with you. People don't really care about each other, and are completely self-absorbed. Sometimes complaining acts as a catalyst so that you get noticed in the first place!

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    Member EvilSyn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    I have to say you and I and very much alike.. The way I look at it, evryone has issues and drama they are dealing with at any given time..

    Unless you are a close friend, you would never know what I have going on in my life..

    I have worked with a number of girls who make thier money by crying, and whining the sob story to any and everyone they encounter for the night...
    I am a bartender and dancer, and I am there to put a smile on your face, not to make you feel sorry for me so you'll give me money..

    I have encountered the same with other jobs like you have because sometimes I am not going to sound like some whiner, I work hard and do my job well, I would like to think that is enough...
    Whiners, and complainers get the attention, and ones likes us keep trucking along trying to make the best of what we got, and deal with things with a smile..
    Sometimes we need to speak up, and like you, I get treated like its not a big deal beause I can handle things in a calm manner....

    I really didn't offer anything useful here, just to let you know someone totally understands what you are saying, and I'll continue to stay the smiley person I am because I always look at it like things could always be worse and all I can do is be proud of who I am and keep trying..
    There is no better buzz then busting a nut !!!

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    God/dess xdamage's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    People don't really care about each other, and are completely self-absorbed.
    This can be a hard lesson to learn, but I agree, with the qualification that people tend to care about others (to some degree) who are related to them genetically, in particular their own children. There are exceptions of course, not all moms have a strong maternal instinct, not all dads a healthy paternal instinct. People also tend to show some actual caring for brothers/sisters, parents, and others they are closely related to genetically.

    As a general rule though, I'm asking (in the back of my mind) what is it that the other person is getting out of it, or trying to get out of it? While I've met a few people that seem to be genuinely altruistic, they are rare, and even then I think I'd say they do it because it makes them feel good (for whatever reasons) to do so - that's what they are getting out of it.

    One other exception. Long term lovers and friends, particularly those who have children together, can end up genuinely altruistic to each other. Sort of case of what is good for you is good for me and vice versa.

    So all that rambling aside, let me get to the point.

    Know what you want. Decide if what you want is reasonable. Be assertive about what you want if it's reasonable. With one BIG exception...

    You don't get the right to demand or change the feelings of others. Using assertiveness to get what you want (e.g., your car fixed for a fair price is reasonable) is awesome. Using assertiveness to change the way others feel is called manipulation. Others have the right to feel the way they do. Some people confuse these two. They waste incredible amount of time trying to manipulate others feelings. It may work, but at it's worst it's evil (imho).

    Let me put this another way. It's reasonable that you should get your car fixed for a fair price. It's unreasonable to expect the person behind the counter to feel sorry for you, to pity you, to respect you. Stick to your guns over the issue, not to try to change the other person's feelings about you. When you do that, and you really don't care how other's feel, they will respect you. They'll understand that your being assertive over the issue, you're not trying to manipulate them, and they will respect that.

    As for whining or complaining, it depends. If you're acting like a little kid and trying to change the other person's feelings the way a kid tries to change other people's feelings by throwing a temper tantrum, it may work, but nobody will respect you. You may get your way the way a kid gets his way, but long term people will just view you as a whiny kid. OTOH, if you stick to your guns without trying to change the other person's feelings about you, you can win the point now, and you'll have their respect in the future (next time you deal with that person it will be easier because they know you are the type who respects others feelings, while still sticking to your guns when you need to).

  5. #5
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    No. I mean it can work against you if you don't ask people to rectify situations (excuse me, employer, but this doesn't comply with workplace safety regulations) but nobody likes a whiner. I have never experienced someone telling me "Gosh, I'd believe you had a problem a lot more if you were whining and crying about the situation. In the absence of hysteria... I question your veracity." Considering how many people constantly whine, cry etc., in your average street scam, I'd be surprised if many people structured their hierchy of honesty by this method. Plus you might consider if being more attractive as an object of charity from strangers is really worth trading your poise and dignity for.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

  6. #6
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    Plus you might consider if being more attractive as an object of charity from strangers is really worth trading your poise and dignity for.
    Thank you Emily Post!

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

  7. #7
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    Thanks for the helpful advice and for the people who could relate to me! I'm glad to know that I'm not alone!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny View Post
    I have never experienced someone telling me "Gosh, I'd believe you had a problem a lot more if you were whining and crying about the situation. In the absence of hysteria... I question your veracity." Considering how many people constantly whine, cry etc., in your average street scam, I'd be surprised if many people structured their hierchy of honesty by this method. Plus you might consider if being more attractive as an object of charity from strangers is really worth trading your poise and dignity for.
    That is true, no one likes a whiner...I had an ex that was the biggest crybaby around! LOL. He actually CRIED one time while he was drunk on his birthday, simply because I wouldn't give him head in my car in the parking lot LOL!(when I would tease him about it later, he'd deny it) He also whined one time because he got a little smudge of dirt on his new sneakers!(and this was in front of his guy friends!) Another time, he literally burst into tears because he didn't want me working at a full-nude club that I'd gotten hired at! LOL so yeah, I can relate to that. (although his whining was NOT the reason that I decided to break up with him, ironically)

    I guess you would have to know the full situation to know why this guy "Rob" almost used my lack of crying/complaining against helping me. It wasn't that he wanted to hear me complaining, it was probably that my lack of complaining made the situation seem unbelievable. I won't go into details for sake of my privacy and dignity, but basically I was in a real tight spot(and it wasn't all that short-term, either). It was something that any well-to-do priss(such as Rob; he made very good money as a construction contractor) had never experienced before, and probably woulda bawled their eyes out if they were in my spot. So the fact that I maintained myself as nonchalant and monotonous about it(but internally, I was writhing and whining and screaming for help), worked against me because it convinced him that perhaps I was bullshitting him.

    Here's a great example of what I mean. It's kinda like, if someone told you that he desperately needed 911/medical help because he was experiencing a heart attack. You would expect that person to be screaming and panting and wincing in pain, right? If the person maintained a straight face and spoke calmly about needing 911, you would be very skeptical that he needed help. That's what I'm referring to. My situation wasn't as bad as a heart attack, but it was something that most people would need counselling to emotionally recover from(lol I'm actually considering it for myself). This guy QUESTIONED MY HONESTY because I was too good of an actress at hiding how upset I really was, and because too much shit in the past had "trained" me to not expect very much. Meanwhile, my "fake friends" told me to stop complaining and somewhat implied that my complaining would prevent me from obtaining help from others. And then the very next day that I vowed to stop complaining so much, I ran into Rob and this happened.

  8. #8
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny
    Plus you might consider if being more attractive as an object of charity from strangers is really worth trading your poise and dignity for.
    Great point...and yeah, I absolutely *hate* being a "charity case"! I'd rather have people envying me, than pitying me!! At the time that I had this problem, I didn't like telling many people about it because I felt--exactly as you worded it--that I would be trading my poise/dignity for the CHANCE that they might help me. But then there was the chance that they'd say "no" after I revealed all my shameful problems to them. So that's why I reserved my complaining/"bitching" for my close so-called "friends." And that's why I'd "trained" myself to act all cool and collected, even when asking people for help, so that if they couldn't/wouldn't help then it wouldn't look like it was any big deal(even though it was a big deal).

    But the truth was, at that time I really couldn't afford to care about my dignity/poise(yet I kinda did care). I had more important things to worry about, such as getting outta there so that I would have a safe, warm place to sleep.

    My friend M--k(who I consider to be a TRUE friend, unlike the "stop the bitchin" crowd of so-called friends) blew me off a little during that time, and he didn't even find out all the facts about the situation until much later. When he did, his response was "OMG why didn't you tell me this before?? I didn't know it was that bad. If I knew it was that bad and it was something you couldn't have helped, I woulda helped you more." But the reason I didn't complain more than I did(here I thought I was a World Class Complainer, meanwhile my "real" friends thought I didn't ask for help enough), was because I didn't want to appear like a charity case.

    Perhaps that is a hang-up that I have...constantly wanting to look like I'm on top of things, even when I honestly need some help. I'm the type of person who, if I didn't have a decent job and was stuck working at McD's, would probably fib about my job if one of my former classmates asked me. One time when I didn't have a car and was walking the 4mile trek to town(I lived in the boondocks back then), a spoiled/rich former high school classmate drove by, said "are you okay?" I didn't want her to know that I couldn't afford a car, so I lied, "Yeah I'm taking my daily walk. I need to stay this thin SOME way!" Around the time that I started complaining to my "friends," I was starting to crack. I had shit that was starting to affect my life to the point that it was harder for me to hide my feelings/needs. I'd thought I was doing well hiding my feelings, until "Rob" disbelieved me.

    You know what? I realized something...this all makes sense now. The reason my so-called "friends" bitched to me about how I should "stop the bitchin," was because they weren't really my friends and they didn't even care. I'm not saying that I shoulda complained a lot, but perhaps I shoulda reserved my complaining for the true friends and the genuinely decent people(such as Rob, who later agreed to help me out). Or maybe I shoulda reserved my complaining for the times that it would aide me in obtaining help(such as the situation with Rob). For example, complaining just for the sake of venting(if done in excess) wouldn't be effective, it would just be a lot of negativity. But yeah, I think I shoulda spoke up to better people, and not even bothered telling my problems to the people who weren't really there for me. But sometimes it takes a bit for you to figure out who's really there for you and who's not.
    Last edited by PhillyDancer1982; 01-19-2007 at 09:20 AM. Reason: added last paragraph

  9. #9
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    Thank you Emily Post!
    Well, it's more a consideration than a prohibition. Like weighing two factors. My poise and dignity are absolutely worth trading. Really, I lend someone my poise in exchange for a cup of strong coffee.
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

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    Veteran Member datchapin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can lack of complaining work against you?

    In my opinion whining and complaining are two different things. Even you separated them in the ways you used them. Making that distinction, it's stupid not to complain. If someone rips you off you gotta complain. You can't let people trample over you like that. I mean if you don't complain your ass is in for a miserable life. Whining is a manner of complaining, but it's ineffective and makes you come off as looking weak.

    Also talking about people that don't care. I think it's sad, because the situation is only getting worse. I mean the way we're brought up is to look out for ourselves. It's hard for me to believe how cold some people can be at times, but it is what is it. The way I was brought up was that you helped those in need, not because it made you feel good, but because it's what you're supposed to do. One day if your down someone will show the same kindness to you that you showed to others. Even if it never happens even if you never need help or whatever it should be our sense of duty to one another that compells us to help each other. I get very melancholy every now and again, because I find myself feeling totally lost, unable to fathom the logic by which other people operate. I help someone out or lend them money and when people find out about it or see it they ask me why do I waste my time. I mean I don't get that. How is it that I or anybody else does something they're supposed to do or charitable and we get that response. WTF else should I be doing with my time?!

    I'm sorry I just needed to vent a little bit. This might not apply to anyone here, but I just felt I had to get that off my chest.
    The more I see, the less I know, the more I like to let it go! - RHCP

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