last summer, i went to a psychiatrist. i only went once because the guy made me feel worse than when i went in. i was having a lot of anxiety, mini panic attacks, couldn't sleep, had just started dancing, just been dumped, didn't like my major but didn't want to change because i was about to start my senior year, i was drinking too much, and i had tried coke (which i swore i would never do, despite having tons of friends and my ex that did), lots of stuff. i had been thinking about it for a while, because i've dealt with a lot of anxiety, an eating disorder, and one horribly messy night where i drank a bottle of vodka and chased it with a bottle of tylenol in an attempt to get a reaction out of my boyfriend at the time. i finally got up the nerve to go, had to wait a while for an appointment, and then was told that i needed to stop dancing immediately, that i had "more issues that he couldn't pinpoint yet," yelled at, told i was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and walked out with a prescription for paxil after i told him i didnt want any medication. for those that are on medication, i have nothing against it, but i do have something against a doctor that will jump to a pill for a cure before trying to work on things without medication, after knowing me only 45 minutes. i told him i didn't want to take it, and i never did. i also never went back. i felt very judged, and i went in with an open mind and was totally honest with the man. he told me that my parents "must love me in some way if they were worried about me taking medication, but they let me work at hooters?! " yes, i do black out when i drink sometimes, and do stupid things or drink when i'm upset, but on the other hand, i'm in college and while binge drinking/doing dumb stuff when drunk isn't by any means healthy, it doesnt make me an alcholic (imo). as for the drug addict comment.. at this point, i had tried coke multiple times, and planned on doing it again, but not because i was addicted to it. so anyway, he scared me out of therapy and i havent been back since.

since then, i stopped doing coke and no longer associate with people who do (that i know of). i stopped it 100% on my own, i've even had it offered to me and done in front of me and i turned it down. i've gained a little bit of weight since i stopped it and that's making me feel really bad about myself. i changed my major even though it was my senior year, but then i realized that i dont really like this one, either. i didnt feel (until last night, but i posted about that in stripping general) bad in any way about dancing. in general, for a short time, i was a lot happier. i was coming home most weekends to stay at my parents house because i was still having a lot of anxiety and depression about being away from home, even though ive been living on my own all 4 years of school and this is my 2nd with an apartment. but last night i went back to my apartment, planning on staying there for the night and coming back to my parents today, and i got the same feeling i used to and came home. i stayed in bed most of today and cried for the rest of it. i havent had this feeling in a few months, but today i just felt like the only way to describe how i felt was "not happy." i dont know why it came back out of nowhere like this, but the idea of going back to school and back to my apartment on monday has got me so freaked out and miserable. i dont know what to even do because i can't think of anything that WOULD make me feel better. i guess i just kind of feel helpless and sad and i dont have any ideas how to fix it.

sorry, this got really long, i just wanted to vent and get all of this out of my head, because i've been trying to watch tv or read a book for the past hour but this is all i can think about haha except now that i said all of it, i'll probably come back tomorrow and be like "wow im such a baby."