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Thread: I HAVE to post these!

  1. #1
    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default I HAVE to post these!

    This was a myspace bulletin that just cracked me up!!! Hahahahaha

    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......

    *I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

    *I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

    *My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

    *Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

    *This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

    *While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

    *I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  2. #2
    Lola Rose
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    I think some of those people really need to get a grip, and a sense of humor! Lol. laugh it off

    I need a good laugh!

  3. #3
    God/dess PookaShell's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    Haha. This had Pooka giggling.

  4. #4
    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!


    omg this was GREAT for a laugh.
    thanks!!

    Love it!

  5. #5
    Member Kandy04's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    Thank you for those! Very funny.

    Kandy

  6. #6
    Featured Member echomadison's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    I have done one of these before.

    When I was 14 I used to hang out with these neighborhood boys, Tim, Scott and Brad. Well Brads mom used to have these poker parties and all the adults would get all trashed off beer and box wine while playing poker. We would kinda just hang around, on the porch mostly, coming in occassinaly to steal a beer or a drink of wine. Well there was this lady they called Babs who was an old lady who loved beer with salt in it and this perplexed me. Well we were all in the kitchen talking to Babs and I saw her putting salt in her beer so I asked her "Babs why do you put salt in your beer?" And she replies "Because it gives it head" My smart reply was "Who wants head?" To which every boy in the room then raises there hands...I have never lived that down to this day...

  7. #7
    Kaylinn
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

    *This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
    I love these 2....the story abotu the little boy and his farts had me in tears!

  8. #8
    Banned rozz's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    On the first day of class, the teacher was reviewing the syllabus. He thought it was adorable to add "ies" to his nouns (bookies, homeworkies, etc). My best friend, who was sitting next to me, thought he was a jackass. He was discussing grading policy and happened to say "25% of your grade will be based on little quizzies." "What about your testies?" was my best friend's question. Too bad her brain works a bit slower than her mouth.

  9. #9
    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    Those are good.

    I was walking with some friends at my university and telling them a story about this guy I had seen in the gym who was wearing silky shorts while working out. I said something like, "He was sitting there and I could see his dick so clearly!" Then I realized that there was a class being held right below us and they all heard me. haha, oops. It didn't help that I said it really loudly. Their whole class stopped.
    Check out my new eBay auctions.......

  10. #10
    God/dess sxybrat07's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    Heh, my step mom is the queen of these. My brother brings home a girlfriend, they are going to go horseback riding. My stepmom looks at the girl, "so, have you ever been ridden before?"

    Brother is talking about another girl he is friends with, step mom thinks they should get married, and blurts out "well, you'd better hurry up and nail jen before someone else does!"
    I believe you Dottie and you have my support

  11. #11
    Featured Member pinkpvc's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    On the first day of class, the teacher was reviewing the syllabus. He thought it was adorable to add "ies" to his nouns (bookies, homeworkies, etc).
    hehe this one landed me in trouble too when i congratulated my boyfriend on his new "jobbie" although its immature the name has stuck
    Last edited by pinkpvc; 02-01-2007 at 11:03 AM.

  12. #12
    Veteran Member Sultry Siren's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    THANKS SO MUCH LADIES!!!

    It is awesome to start the day with laughter and coffee
    Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
    Hebrew Talmud


  13. #13
    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: I HAVE to post these!

    Cutting and pasting back to Myspace again! Thanks for sharing.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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