I apologize in advance for the length of this but I felt that background information was very, VERY much in order. Oh, and don't pre-assume anything because it isn't going where you think AT ALL!
I have a friend (yes, REALLY, a friend) who's a guy. We've been friends for a long time - since college. We are both married, but the thing is, he shouldn't be. He and his wife had counseling even before they got married. First two years were fine, then comes Baby #1. More counseling. Here's Baby #2. More counseling is needed but friend refuses. Wife wants Baby#3 but friend doesn't so he gets a vasectomy against his wife's wishes. Now, this isn't so much because he doesn't want more kids, he just doesn't want more kids WITH HER!. At this point he basically tells her that he doesn't love her and that if it wasn't for the kids he would be outta there. Wife has promised a bitter divorce should he ever ask for one, but seems to think that if they are still married then maybe there's a chance. However, he has no interaction with her, talks to her only about family affairs and they spend no real time together without the kids. Neither one is getting any emotional support from this relationship but they stay in it. Now, I don't have kids but I don't know how I could stay with a man that has admitted that he doesn't love me and isn't willing to do anything to make the marraige better. I think I would have gotten out at that moment but like I said, I don't have kids so I don't know.
Fast forward 4 years and friend admits to me that he had an affair. (You'll be happy to know I'm also fast-forwarding to the point of this thread.) My question is should his wife find out about this affair, does she have the right to be mad? To play the "victim" on coutless segments of Oprah and Dr. Phil and numerous websites? It seems to me that the affair was inevitable and that if he wasn't getting what he needed at home that he'd look for it elsewhere. (I should add the physical part of their relationship still exists, just nothing else.) Is this what it takes to get her head out of the sand and realize that he really doesn't want the marriage to work and he really IS only there because of the kids? Not that I think that's his plan since she'd probably try to get sole custody in a divorce which is why he hasn't divorced her before now. I don't even think she would divorce him. After all, they'd already agreed to stay together for the sake of the children (who by the way are 4 and 6 now).
Earlier this week MSN Money had an article on this phenomenon called the "non-divorce" and Oprah had some couples in similar situations on her show last week. Of course, there was the assumption on there that the couple actually wished the marriage was better. That only seems to be the case with 1/2 the couple here. I guess people get married, wish they weren't and stay in the relationship for various reasons, but what should really be expected in these cases?
Please share your thoughts on this ENTIRE situation - not just the affair. The whole thing frustrates me but since I don't have kids, I can't keep saying "Just get a divorce and be done with it." I need another perspective on this to maybe understand it.
Thanks for reading to the end. If you thought reading it was long, try typing it TWICE (got logged out somehow and lost the whole thing.![]()
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(oh, and to cloud your judgement, she's one of those wives that doesn't like her husband going to strip clubs with friends, not even for birthdays etc. She isn't too keen on our friendship either, not that I can really blame her insecurities.)



) who's a guy. We've been friends for a long time - since college. We are both married, but the thing is, he shouldn't be. He and his wife had counseling even before they got married. First two years were fine, then comes Baby #1. More counseling. Here's Baby #2. More counseling is needed but friend refuses. Wife wants Baby#3 but friend doesn't so he gets a vasectomy against his wife's wishes. Now, this isn't so much because he doesn't want more kids, he just doesn't want more kids WITH HER!. At this point he basically tells her that he doesn't love her and that if it wasn't for the kids he would be outta there. Wife has promised a bitter divorce should he ever ask for one, but seems to think that if they are still married then maybe there's a chance. However, he has no interaction with her, talks to her only about family affairs and they spend no real time together without the kids. Neither one is getting any emotional support from this relationship but they stay in it. Now, I don't have kids but I don't know how I could stay with a man that has admitted that he doesn't love me and isn't willing to do anything to make the marraige better. I think I would have gotten out at that moment but like I said, I don't have kids so I don't know.
) My question is should his wife find out about this affair, does she have the right to be mad? To play the "victim" on coutless segments of Oprah and Dr. Phil and numerous websites? It seems to me that the affair was inevitable and that if he wasn't getting what he needed at home that he'd look for it elsewhere. (I should add the physical part of their relationship still exists, just nothing else.) Is this what it takes to get her head out of the sand and realize that he really doesn't want the marriage to work and he really IS only there because of the kids? Not that I think that's his plan since she'd probably try to get sole custody in a divorce which is why he hasn't divorced her before now. I don't even think she would divorce him. After all, they'd already agreed to stay together for the sake of the children (who by the way are 4 and 6 now).
, she's one of those wives that doesn't like her husband going to strip clubs with friends, not even for birthdays etc. She isn't too keen on our friendship either, not that I can really blame her insecurities.)
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) but if you check the OP, I never asked what *I* should do or suggested that *I* was planning to do anything. I am just frustrated about the whole thing and hoped someone could make me understand why people would live this way. So far, it seems that no one else understands this either (except for Mast and Mr. Hyde - hmm..gender gap perhaps??? Girls think it's more important to be loved and happy. Guys think you should live up to your obligation???). 

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