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Thread: I'm scared to have kids

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default I'm scared to have kids

    I'm not scared about being pregnant or giving birth. What I'm scared of are birth defects, mental retardation, child developing severe autism, etc. I've aken care of people who had severe disabilities, and my boyfriend's brother has Down Syndrome. While I loved the people I took care of, it's still a huge strain on everyone. You can judge me as you wish on this but I know that there is

    ABSOLUTELY

    TOTALLY

    NO WAY IN HELL

    that I could ever bring a child into this world who would never grow up. It's hard enough to take care of a normal kid. A kid with disabilities is as difficult as taking care of multiple children at once, plus you'll have to take care of it for the rest of your life, and eventually have to entrust care to other people when you can no longer do it. Other kids are deprived of attention. It strains marriage so much that the birth of a disabled child often spells the end of a marriage. Even if they do stay together, Golden Years go bye-bye. I see absolutely nothing wrong with aborting a baby who will be a strain on everyone. When I get pregnant, I will have the full battery of tests (genetic counseling, chorionic villli sampling, ultrasound, etc), despite the risks, because there is no way I could subject myself, the kid, and my other kids to that.

    I had an uncle with severe schizophrenia. He eventually committed suicide. His mother was devestated of course, but she's also a wonderfully wise, pragmatic lady who said, You know, it's kind of a relief that he's gone. I know that he's no longer miserable, and I don't have to worry about what's going to happen to him once I'm gone." I have a cousin with severe Asberger's who's parents will have to worry about her their entire life. There's no way in hell I could do that.

    Those stupid Biblethumpers and "Human Rights Activists (I'm not talking about real ones, I'm talking about the ones who saw Terri Schaivo's allowance to die as cruel)" who claim that every child has a right to be born need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes for a bit. They have the luxury of being backseat drivers who can ask theoretical questions. People with disabled kids live in a very REAL world, where they have to deal with things accordingly. If you have a kid with a disability, you're stuck with them. While I don't condone sending them off to a facility to be forgotten (in the old days, they'd send them to these facilities, where they'd die of pneumonia epidemics because antibiotics hadn't been invented and there were close quarters that ensured spreading of the disease), it's still not fair to be stuck with them.

    I don't mean to prod, but how did you prepare for this? Prevent it? Has anyone terminated a pregnancy because it would have resulted in a kid who would never grow up?

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    Veteran Member I_luv_dancers!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Sadly, you may get hammered for your views, but I agree with you.

    One thing I've read recently is the importance of folic acid in preventing birth defects and even autism. A woman should be taking folic acid before getting pregnant, and continue to take it throughout the pregnancy.

    We were fortunate. Two healthy children after a couple miscarriages.
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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Quote Originally Posted by I_luv_dancers! View Post
    Sadly, you may get hammered for your views, but I agree with you.

    One thing I've read recently is the importance of folic acid in preventing birth defects and even autism. A woman should be taking folic acid before getting pregnant, and continue to take it throughout the pregnancy.

    We were fortunate. Two healthy children after a couple miscarriages.
    Yes, folic acid should be taken by all women of childbearing age, because it's the most necessary in the first few weeks of pregnancy, even before a woman finds out that she's pregnant.

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    You're thinking too much.

    If you don't want to have kids because you just don't like taking care of them, or kids aren't your bag, then I can see that.

    But the world is not a bad place and the overwhelming majority of children aren't born with any exceptionalities.

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    You're thinking too much.

    If you don't want to have kids because you just don't like taking care of them, or kids aren't your bag, then I can see that.

    But the world is not a bad place and the overwhelming majority of children aren't born with any exceptionalities.
    Ever been around people who have a special needs kid? It's something that can happen to you, and it's a very real problem that there's no way out of.

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Sure, and you can be killed in a car accident this afternoon, and you can die in a plane crash, and you can get food poisoning and die...but I'm not going to give up cars, or planes, or oysters.

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Walk a few miles in someone else's shoes. It's not that easy. It's not just your own life that's affected, it's everyone else's.

    Also, you misunderstand me. It's not that I don't want to take care of kids, it's that I know how incredibly hard it is to take care of a special needs kid. It's not that kids aren't my bag, it's that I know that it could be made so much harder, and that it'll never cease to be my problem.

    Backseat driver alert.

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    God/dess holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    You're a nurse right? You must know the statistics for having a child with defects. You've got good odds.

    But, maybe you should adopt?
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    Veteran Member christian211's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    On a baby board I belong to there's a woman who made a montage to her Down syndrome kid complete w/ loving background music and all showing his first year of life. It was beautiful. I cried. Then the last pic, she was in w/ him. Dude, chick was like, almost 50!!! Anybody knows you're taking a big risk having kids over the age of 40. I thought, what a selfish bitch, seriously!!! And she already had, like, 5 or 6 kids. I wanted to im her sooo bad, but ultimately in the end, it is none of my business.

    Also, people should be aware that these tests aren't 100%. How would you feel if you term. a preg and find out afterwards that the child was fine? It happens all the time.

    Hyde's right though. Death could be anywhere. However, you cannot live life in constant fear. That's a life not worth living.

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    Veteran Member christian211's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    And if you are a nurse, I think you may need a day off. It's getting to you

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    Featured Member sophiemarie's Avatar
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    Lightbulb Re: I'm scared to have kids

    I feel the same as you. I am afraid to get prego and have kids for many reasons.
    So don't feel like you are the only one. The world we live in is not the greatest or the safest.
    Don't have kids if you don't want them.



    I Love Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    Veteran Member christian211's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    ^^^ Your reason for not wanting kids is much different than her reasons....

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    Veteran Member Krissy Kennedy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    I was worried about this when I got pregnant, too, since I was 34 and having my first (and last!) child, but luckily everything turned out OK. This may be a bad analogy, but I looked at possibly having a baby with problems the same as being a dog mommy (I have 4 dogs who have been like my babies for the last 14, 11, 5 and 3 years) They can't take care of themselves, etc. but I would never want to not have had them in my life because of all the joy they bring me. Like I said, bad analogy, but it was really the only thing I had to compare it to! Anyhoo, I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about the "what ifs", since statistically your chances of having a child with problems are pretty slim.
    Si hoc non legere potes tu asinus es



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    Veteran Member Sultry Siren's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    No matter what you do in life there are always risks involved and the greater the risk the greater the reward I have found.

    When I was pregnant there were the concerns about miscarriage, as well as your concerns, my hubby totally did NOT want children so I put off telling him I was pregnant until I was safely in the second trimester...I so wanted children it was and still is crazy!

    As the pregnancy came closer to the birth my hubby's heart changed and he became as excited as I was.

    I have a cousin who is down syndrome, and others in my family who have special needs but it didn't scare me at all.

    Even if you have perfectly healthy children you are still looking after them well into adulthood Granted it is totally different but once you become a Mom that's it! You will NEVER NOT be a mom.

    Believe me you are far stronger than you think!!!

    I also know that what you focus on determines your reality...focus on the what if's, the fear, the negative and your life will suck and you won't go outside of your comfort zones. I speak from experience on this one...wasted too much of my life a slave to my fears and paranoia.

    Focus on your abilities, strengths, and the what will it be like when..... and you get an excitement and go beyond the box of fear.

    I know that now, and the things I have done in the last 5-6 years I was terrified to do before...it paralyzed me.

    I found out that I was far more, and capable of far more than my parents told me, and that the only limits I had were the ones put on me by others that I allowed...plus the limits I placed on myself.

    I still want more children like a good Irish Catholic should but also know that my time is running out and want to have another before I hit 40.

    I just took greater care of myself when preggers....ate every folate rich food I could think of, protine like mad, avoided all pre-packaged/processed food, drank water, milk, green tea, and pommegranate juice only.

    I found out from my doctor within the last portion of my second trimester that I was deemed a risky pregnancy and the doctor felt that I would not be able to deliver the baby vaginally...he said I was far too small and that my only option was a C-section. It was a blow but I didn't let the fear take over.

    I sought out the help of the Natives on a reservation in the area and wanted to know Native meathods of childbirth and took on an even more agressive holistic approach.

    The doctor kept pushing the C but I chose a Native form of delivery and had the vaginal birth I wanted...We did have some complications with both myself and my son initally but now I am having the time of my life and would not change anything!!

    Having children is a personal choice though and you have to do what is best for you ultimately...All I can do here is offer my experiences and my humble opinions.

    I worked in a hospital for a few years as a volunteer and understand why these things are such a concern for you...it is one reason I decided to terminate my volunteer stint and move on to other things.

    I hope some of this helped...if it didn't just ignore it
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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Again, it's the risk vs reward. The risk of having an exceptional child is very low, especially if you take care of yourself during pregnancy.

    Sure, it CAN happen. But as I said above, a lot of bad things CAN happen...but will they? I could be hit by lightning, but if I don't walk around on a golf course during a storm with a club raised above my head, it's not likely.

    And the rewards of having kids are great.

    Your stance is like saying "I don't want to fall in love because I might get my heart broken." If you live life like that, what can you do?

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    Featured Member sophiemarie's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    I fear weight gain, stretch marks and my man leaving me and being a single mom. I am 31 so the risks of having a baby with issues are there.
    We all have our own reasons for fear on this very delicate issue of "motherhood".
    When to start.



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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Well, I'm afraid to have kids right now... period. But, I think that's because I'm not ready. I'm sure a lot of your fear right now is for the same reason. You're my age, right? Don't stress out about it until you're ready to have a kid in the first place. Also, if you're a nurse, you know all about those tests they do to make sure your child is healthy.

    I wouldn't carry a child full term if I found out that it had some defect. I'd want to put my resources towards a healthy child instead.
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    Veteran Member Krissy Kennedy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Quote Originally Posted by Bella21 View Post

    I wouldn't carry a child full term if I found out that it had some defect. I'd want to put my resources towards a healthy child instead.
    Ah, but some of these tests can have false positives! My husband's twin sister was pregnant at the same time I was, and had a false positive for something called Trisomy 21, or something like that. (?) Anyway, it was supposedly some horrible form of Downs Syndrome where the baby was not expected to live for more than a few months, and be severely disfigured, etc. Turns out the tests (several of them, in fact!) were WRONG, and she had a perfectly healthy baby girl, who is now almost a year and a half old. After getting the test results, she was seriously considering terminating the pregnancy- good thing she didn't!!!!
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    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Hyde View Post
    Again, it's the risk vs reward. The risk of having an exceptional child is very low, especially if you take care of yourself during pregnancy.

    And yet it happens every day to mothers of all ages, even if they take care of themselves during pregnancy. It's a very real threat and I think it's wise for any woman who is thinking about getting pregnant to consider whether or not they could handle having a baby with problems. If you think you couldn't care for a special needs child then you shouldn't get pregnant at all.
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    Lola Rose
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    I guess unill you've been there, you can't 100% predict what you would do.....

    but I know that for me, I have very little chance of being able to have a child. ANy pregnancy I may have will very likely end in miscarriage, my body just has a hard time supporting another life. But that doesn't mean I won't try. And if I did make it, and had the baby, no matter what! I would keep it. But chances of my even getting that far are low.

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    Featured Member Katherine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    It's a really scary thought. I also would 'prefer' not to have a special needs child. I will also get tests and take the results into consideration.

    But- my stepmom's sister has a special needs kid. (I suppose she's my step-cousin). I'm talked to my step-aunt and she told me how she was really afraid of something like this happening and that she didn't think she would be able to deal with it. She has since said that once her baby was born, she knew she was going to do absolutely everything possible to make sure she has as happy a life as she could.

    I think that when it comes to your child- you do everything that you can. You don't have time to get too scared because you're so busy with them,

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Quote Originally Posted by Andygirl View Post
    And yet it happens every day to mothers of all ages, even if they take care of themselves during pregnancy. It's a very real threat and I think it's wise for any woman who is thinking about getting pregnant to consider whether or not they could handle having a baby with problems. If you think you couldn't care for a special needs child then you shouldn't get pregnant at all.
    Of course it happens...so do car accidents to people who wear their seat belts and drive well. So you're never going to drive again because you might get hit?

    The odds are low that it would happen. If this is your only reason for not wanting kids, I'm just saying it may not be the best reason to not have them.

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    Featured Member Krazyjane's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Good point Hyde. Perhaps "Scared to have children" was too strong a title. I guess my big point was that I see absolutely nothing wrong with preventing a lifelong problem, and that I wanted to see other people's perspectives on this. I've found an alleviation to my fear: getting tested. It's not surefire, but at least I can tell if my baby will be born with such severe spina bifida that she'll crush under her own weight if she sits wrong, and prevent my baby from a life of pain and myself and my family from a life of strain.

    Keep in mind that if you haven't been around special needs children on a regular basis (caring for them, having them in immediate family), it's a lot different, as you see the social dynamics like ripples in a pond and see the long lasting effects.

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    God/dess Andygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    I wanted to add that even though it's not an ideal situation, having a special needs child is not the end of the world. I guess it also depends on the disability. My daughter is in perfect shape physically, but she has trouble with her speech and she is autistic. Raising her has been difficult, but I wouldn't trade her for any "normal" kid.

    You go through the denial and anger and finally you accept it. Your life goes on and normal takes on a new meaning for you and your family. Fortunately, I have had a lot of help from my family and I now have a wonderful husband who helps me every day with raising my daughter.

    I did decide, after having her, that I would not have any more children. I could deal with one special needs child, but I didn't want to risk having another one and going through it all again. The point is that you won't know what you can and can't handle until it happens.
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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm scared to have kids

    Hey, I'm also not saying that you should necessarily have to have kids either...just don't discount the idea out of a fairly unwarranted fear of something that is unlikely to happen.

    This is kind of like something I saw on a John Stossel show once...he was talking about people's unwarranted fears of disease or accidents. It went something like this..Americans have a huge fear of shark attacks because they are so horrific...but only a few people die of shark attacks each year. Meanwhile, thousands and thousands of Americans die from heart attacks each year, and it's something that's preventable by diet and exercise.

    My point? I'm guessing you have worked with lots of exceptional children, and it's skewed your vision of kids. If you took that sample of kids you've worked with and put them into the general population, they'd be a small percentage.

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