GRRRR . . . . .
I feel like such a loser. I just noticed yesterday that I joined SW in Aug. of last year. That pretty much marks a turning point in pursuing my "dream" of being a dancer, when I really started taking it seriously. WHY HASN'T IT HAPPENED YET??!!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!!
This is just so not like me. I may not always finish things but i always do what I set out to do. In the infamous words of Cartman, "Whateva; I do what I want!" I made the stupid compromise with my boyfriend because I'm the biggest advocate of compromise when it comes to arguments with him, I just have to be the diplomat. So, ok, waitressing first, fine. I did that for about a minute before that asshole manager decided I was an excellent candidate for attempted rape. Fuck that!! I haven't been back since and my boyfriend has even more ammo for his campaign against his girl being a stripper.
I went back to trying to do what I was doing, working $8 an hour jobs and feeling miserable in my life, being depressed that I had to make the choice of either getting an education or making my rent. I'm out of a job again after having to take time off for health & family issues and more depressed than ever.
I told him I didn't want to do the compromise anymore. I don't want to be a waitress, I want to be a stripper. It's my life, I don't tell him where or what or how to work. I tore up his hypocrisy in the calmest, nicest way I knew how. He threw out, "It's different. You're shoving your tits in some other guys face!" and "Fine, but it's the same thing as cheating in my eyes. So if you dance, I can sleep with other girls." He wants to be a cop and although I wish he would pick something much safer, I do everything but drag his ass to the damn academy to get it done. He argues getting naked for strangers is way different and impossible to suporrt. And I'm expected to be super happy supportive about him subjecting himself to very real mortal danger everyday? Uhh. . . no. But I do.
I hate having to ask my parents for money. I hate having to stay home and act like a fucking housewife so my boyfriend doesn't throw fits about "how much responsibilty" I leave him with. I hate not even being able to buy food for days at a time. Most of all, I hate being under somebody elses thumb. I can't stand it. I just want to throw myself off the balcony everytime I think about it. I'm sick of this. I am fucking 20 years old!!! I shouldn't be responsible for anybody elses happiness but my own right now!! I feel selfish saying that but I think it's true.
I am seriously reaching my ropes end. Even if losing a wonderful man turns out not to be worth it, I still think it's better than losing myself.
*sigh* I'm hungry and cranky. This is going to be a long battle, I need sustenance . . .
Love,
Mandy





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Anything I want I get!! lol. But still . . .
But, honestly, you all are the best and you know it!!
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