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Thread: I have a huge obsession...

  1. #1
    PhillyDancer1982
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    Default I have a huge obsession...

    ...with trying to avoid being spineless or a doormat. I've been thinking about it more and more over the last several months. It's at the point where, when I'm bored at my job(I work in an office), I will browse the Internet for quizzes on how assertive/unassertive I am, or psychological advice sites on how to become less of a doormat. I've written about this several times before, but it's a recurring problem so that's why I will write about it again.

    I feel like I'm too nice to people. For example, a few years ago when I would give free rides to people. It's not even because I truly want to give the ride, but simply because I feel OBGLIATED to be a nice person...which technically is "niceness by default." I really am a smart girl and have good perceptions of people, for example I KNOW when people are just scamming/"using" me for a ride. So the problem isn't naivety, but the problem is that I can't bring myself to standing my ground, without feeling "out of line" or like a bitch. Or I think, "I'll just give in this one time, and hold my ground next time" but of course that doesn't happen. As a result, people DO mistake me for being unintelligent and naive, because all they see is that I am easily swayed. My OTHER obsesssion is with people mistaking me for being "dumb"...which has happened many many times in the past 10yrs, more than it happens to the average person(even though--I hate to brag--I am a lot smarter than the average person). I definitely think that my spinelessness is the #1 factor contributing to people thinking I'm dumber than I am. For example, when I was still dancing, customers would bullshit to me more than they would to most other girls, and they would tell me exorbitant lies("I'll get you an office manager job at my company, Joan's Computers!") because they thought I was that dumb. The mere idea that they were insulting my intelligence or thought that I was naive/spineless/dumb, was enough to piss me off.

    Part of it has to do with the way I grew up...I had strict parents, who always drilled into my head to be nice and to not have a bad attitude towards people. As the type of child who liked to avoid trouble at all costs, I think I took that to an extreme and even now when I realize that there's exceptions to the "be nice" rule, I can't bring myself to act bitchier.

    I feel like I'm too nice sometimes. Even my latest squeeze told me that when we were at the Cingular store a few weeks ago and the Cingular rep was an unhelpful bitch, that I'd let her walk all over me. I had been making unpleasant faces and threatening to go to Verizon if she didn't help me, but in the end I simply walked outta the store less than 5mins after she refused to help me(and in a bitchy tone of voice with a stone-wall face, too!). So we walked to a Cingular kiosk in a different section of the mall, and the male rep immediately started helping me with my phone problem...which shows that the Cingular store bitch COULD have helped me, but was simply being a bitch. Here I thought *I* was looking like a bitch and a "hellish customer" by making rude facial expressions and arguing about Verizon, but apparently I didn't do ENOUGH to ensure that I got the service that my years of cell phone loyalty to Cingular deserved.

    I will probably end up calling the Cingular store and reporting the girl to management for poor customer service...which again, is passive-aggressive. Yeah if I could rewind time, I would be more assertive/aggressive with her...now that I see that she COULD have helped me like the guy at the Cingular kiosk, and now that my latest squeeze admitted to me that I looked like a passive ass by not arguing more or not staying in the store. But I have a huge problem with acting AT THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE.

    I keep promising to become more assertive, and I've been making some progress, but I feel like it isn't enough. I made a resolution to become assertive on my birthday(last Sept.), yet I keep recalling episodes of spinelessness from October on. When I think back to these examples, I get angry at myself for them, even though they occured a few weeks(or months) ago. Lately, I've been a lot more passive-aggressive. Complaining about the Cingular rep is one example. Another example is when I would give rides to "friends," but bitch and rant about how much I hate driving the whole way to the destination. I would do this in hopes that they would be too annoyed/weirded-out to ask me for another ride, but no...they kept asking me for rides, but then started telling me that I had "temper problems," talking behind my back about my temper, and dis-inviting me to their parties. Or, I will tolerate someone's shit because I don't want to start trouble by telling him/her off, but then I will go home and bitch about how annoyed I was to my close friends or family. Is this passive-aggressive behavior, or is this more spineless/cowardly, or is it simply "delayed reaction"? Please help.

    Sorry for the long rant...no never mind, I'm NOT going to apologize, because I feel like my over-apologizing is a "symptom" of my spinelessness!(see, I'm trying to make more progress) But anyway, I want to know if there is anything else I can do. I'm trying to make an effort, but I want to do even more. I'm tired of feeling "left behind" in life because I don't know how to push my way through, figuratively speaking. Any methods that might be easy to follow? And by the way, I agree wholeheartedly about the book "Why men love bitches--from doormat to dreamgirl"...it explains why I've probably been mocked by strip club customers and others before.

  2. #2
    PhillyDancer1982
    Guest

    Default Re: I have a huge obsession...

    UPDATE: I called Cingular(3 weeks late) to complain about the bad attitude that I got from their rep. (My recent squeeze told me that if I wanted to start standing up for myself, that making a complaint would be a good start. Funny how even people 6yrs younger than myself know how to stand up for themselves better.) The person I spoke with profusely apologized and gave me a $50 credit towards my next bill! Whoo-hoooo!!!

    I think part of my problem is that I don't react quick enough(I'm not slow, I just tolerate too much shit), to the point that it all bottles up inside me and then I react in a somewhat volatile way(that's passive-aggressive, right?). Similar to Jim Carey's character in Me Myself & Irene. Or, sometimes I don't see the long-term consequences of giving in to someone's shit(for example, giving a ride to a moocher will result in the moocher conning me into giving more rides on a regular basis, which will also wear out my car's dying alternator at a time that I don't have money for the repair). Then when I'm faced with the bad consequences(e.g., car repair I don't have money for), that's when I start recalling all the times that users used me for rides and I get angry all over again about it. It's a big problem. Hopefully my phonecall to Cingular is a good start for me being ballsy today.

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