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Thread: I Am Done

  1. #1
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    Default I Am Done

    i'm so over guys. they all treat me like crap and it's half my fault because i put up with it.

    but im done. i dont even feel sad anymore, just kinda like i *should* feel sad. i'm numb to it now. i just slept with a guy that ive liked for months (and been hooking up with the whole time), found out he took my friend out on a date, and he kicked me out after we slept together.

    maybe that's what it took for me to get over him. but i feel like im over guys, period. so not worth it.

  2. #2
    God/dess PookaShell's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    I feel for you, and don't get me wrong on this. I'm not trying to be bitchy here, at all, just pointing out, you've posted more than once about casual sexual encounters....and maybe that's where your problem lies. When you make it clear to guys that hooking up and casual sex without commitment is okay with you, that's all they are going to want. Sex with as little effort on their part as necessary - and yeah, to us, that comes across as being a dick. Its a mistake alot of girls make, and I'm not saying you are or not - just pointing out that if you are, maybe a little hard to get would make guys put more effort into things other than sex.

  3. #3
    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    Quote Originally Posted by PookaShell View Post
    I feel for you, and don't get me wrong on this. I'm not trying to be bitchy here, at all, just pointing out, you've posted more than once about casual sexual encounters....and maybe that's where your problem lies. When you make it clear to guys that hooking up and casual sex without commitment is okay with you, that's all they are going to want. Sex with as little effort on their part as necessary - and yeah, to us, that comes across as being a dick. Its a mistake alot of girls make, and I'm not saying you are or not - just pointing out that if you are, maybe a little hard to get would make guys put more effort into things other than sex.
    that's good advice.

    i agree that part of the issue is "low hanging fruit". guys that want to expend minimal energy to get what they want, i.e. lazy bastages, typically don't make/contribute to great relationships, which require work on both sides.

    otoh, making guys go thru hell and high water just for a taste isn't likely to "make" them into better bf's either. they're either ready and willing or they're not.

    time is part of the secret imho. if he's willing to make the effort and sacrifice, like pooka noted, he's (or she's) more likely to put in the "works" for a successful relationship.

    just as many girls here lament the problems of a relationship, i hear the same from my friends (and myself). so with each side naturally hesitant to jump in it's like getting the israelis and arabs to a negotiating table without killing each other. (it's probably easier than men & women agreeing )

    most guys can be weeded out if they're not willing to put in the time for the "work". a lot of my friends can be lumped into this unfortunately, and then they lament to me they can't find whoever's right for them (how about a little effort, guys?).

    now that's not necessarily going thru a lot of hassle per se but it could be as simple as spending time together beyond "hooking up". if you can be good friends beyond the sex, there's a good chance he can be a good boyfriend (or girlfriend) imo. [/end-snoopy's-man-secrets]

    i hope they don't revoke my lodge privileges for this divulgence.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    i get that, i really do. and of course i dont think youre being a bitch! you're just trying to help but this guy wasnt really casual sex, we've been hanging out since like thanksgiving time. i guess i thought that made it different.

  5. #5
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    Having sex with a man does not obligate him to care about you. I'm surprised how many women seem to think it does.

    I'm sorry you're going through this, and I agree, might be a good idea to swear them off for awhile.

  6. #6
    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    but this guy wasnt really casual sex, we've been hanging out since like thanksgiving time. i guess i thought that made it different.
    But it was casual to him. Clearly, this is an issue of mismatched expectations.

    When you make it clear to guys that hooking up and casual sex without commitment is okay with you, that's all they are going to want. Sex with as little effort on their part as necessary - and yeah, to us, that comes across as being a dick.
    It's really about having expectations that are accurate and based in reality; casual arrangements don't necessarily mean he wants to have your kid and pick out window treatments. If you're not upfront about what you want and how you want it, he's not the problem just because you offered him your low-hanging fruit.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    maybe that's what it took for me to get over him. but i feel like im over guys, period. so not worth it.
    Britt,

    Yek is right, and it's vicious counterpart is also right. However none of this applies if it's not what you want. What do you want? And how dedicated are you to going after it?

    If what you want in the relationship state is casual sex encounters then make it clear, and don't be rueful when things like this come up (not that this is what you wanted)

    If what you want is to date this man seriously, then stop approaching it waiting for it to fall in your lap, be very verbal. But not with your mouth, with your actions.

    I think you need to define what that is, and be convicted to it.

    It's all about wants britt. If it's not what you want, or getting you to what you want, make sure you're not doing it. Doing it this way leads to lack of regret.

    And most important, remember, dating is supposed to be fun. Not a fucking puzzle, or stressful. FUN. Good, simple, natural FUN.

    Just slow down, it's not the end of the world. There are hundreds of guys out there, just like him, and thousands that are even better.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  8. #8
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    Quote Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post
    casual arrangements don't necessarily mean he wants to have your kid and pick out window treatments. If you're not upfront about what you want and how you want it, he's not the problem just because you offered him your low-hanging fruit.

    ......Damn. You're good. Beat me to it.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  9. #9
    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    I do agree with others here about mismatched expectations. Completely. And I agree that needing to be more upfront about each partner's needs and wants is crucial. I'm all about that. BUT: miscommunication goes both ways. Britt may have put herself in a bad situation, but that doesn't mean that he is not partially responsible too. Note that I said partially, not entirely.

    The reason I jumped in here was because of this part of her post: "he kicked me out after we slept together". That's not just being a responsible grown-up with intentions of friendly, adult, no-strings sexual fun. That's being cruel. There may be another side to the story, but we have to take her word for it given the medium here. Maturing sexually does mean letting go of the idea of 'bells ringing, fireworks, & a dulcet choir of pretty little birdies' upon every encounter, if you've decided to have casual sex with someone, but kicking someone out is not CASUAL, it's CALLOUS.

    Besides, I don't think there's a sexually active girl alive who hasn't felt all the air go out of the room at the words "I'll call you" as he walks out the door without looking back, from the guy who had, moments ago, been a completely different person.

    I hope all that makes sense - I don't mean to overstate or romanticize anything. Britt, learn from the situation, we've all been there in one way or another, and next time maybe it'll be easier to be clear upfront. Whether or not it was a mistake on your part, a hug is still in order.
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

  10. #10
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    I took what she meant by "He took my friend on a date after him and I have slept together. He just kicked ME out, but took her on a date" like Britt's and His relationship was farther along than his and britt's friend.

    But I may be wrong. If that's the case, he is an asshole. I'm curious how she meant it, I was just using context clues, I doubt she meant he kicked her out of his house after sleeping with him, just that she got kicked to the curb after doing so much more for him while her friend got to be where britt wanted to be "on a date"
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    no, he definately literally kicked me out. im almost embarrassed that i admitted that! ive spent the night before, and last night he was just like "just go now."

    part of me wants to laugh at how ridiculous it is that he actually did that. even though i might've known deep down that he's a very closed off guy and his defense against girls is to treat them like crap, you always have that little bit of hope that you're the one he'll want to be different for.

  12. #12
    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    no, he definately literally kicked me out. im almost embarrassed that i admitted that! ive spent the night before, and last night he was just like "just go now."
    oh, asshole, definitely asshole.

    i thought just like mast did, that it was just a figurative description. what a dick. sorry.

    deceptive relationships, unfortunately there's really not much defense against them. i mean, you could live the rest of your life suspicious or cynical of others but that's a crappy way to live, i should know or just swear the other sex off for a while like yek suggested (frankly, i'm currently of this mind myself).

    but if you're still of mind to seek the person, best of luck and hang in there. like mast also said, there are better, lots of better out there but unfortunately there's still lots of crappy out there too.

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    God/dess virgoamm's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    Aww, Brit, I'm so sorry he did that to you. Just try to keep your head up and keep yourself occupied with things that make you happy so you don't think about it as much. Mmmm men, can't live with 'em and can't kill 'em!

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    Veteran Member T-10's Avatar
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    i'm so over guys. they all treat me like crap and it's half my fault because i put up with it.

    but im done.
    Good for you. Better late than never!

  15. #15
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    Default Re: I Am Done

    it's ok though, now that i've thought about it.. i'd rather find out now what a jackass he is than actually have something come out of it and find out down the road!

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