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Thread: A few things I've learned about cooking

  1. #1
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default A few things I've learned about cooking

    Considering, I've kept this quiet and haven't posted much about my zany cooking adventures as of late, I thought I'd post a few truths I've learned about the kitchen in the past couple of weeks.

    Among the things I can do, cooking isn't one of them. Therefor comedy says "Do it anyway." I listen. Comedy, I think, I'm good at.

    I have great cooking ideas. Fantastic ones. GREAT ONES. They're all forgotten in the ingredient gathering process.

    Scrambled eggs are NOT the eggs used to make egg salad.

    Sunny side up shouldn't be crunchy.

    If you don't wait long enough in the cool down process of the hard boiling of an egg. You will know exactly why some women hate swallowing.

    Anything is amazing on a ritz cracker.

    Tuna wrapped in ham steaks is not good.
    - Add 1 ritz cracker...MARVELOUS.

    Hearing is essential in cooking. Loud music is not always wise.
    Incidentally boiling Tomato soup can stain a stove temporarily.

    Anything with "Chowder" in the title? I should KNOW better.

    Chipotel comes...in a CAN. a CANNNNN PEOPLE.

    George Foremans can cook human flesh for up to a minute before you really believe your mind telling you it's you in there.

    1 Scoop chocolate, 1 Scoop strawberry, and 1 scoop Vanilla protein powder DOES NOT make it taste like that kick ass ice cream I used to love so much. It does make for very colorful cleanup.

    Eat first, check the expiration date second is STOOOOOOOPPPPPPIIIIDDDDDDD

    30 minute recipes aren't.

    Refridgerator poetry is a conspiracy against all timed cooking.

    Just because it comes in a bag, and you just add hot water, DOESN'T mean I can't burn it.

    And finally, I will do anything to make a girl laugh.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  2. #2
    God/dess Nautilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Of course, every now and then you wanna knock it up a notch with a blast from your spice weasel. Bam!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  3. #3
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    What's that ya say ther doc? Ol nibbler needs to be put down ya say? I'LL GET THE FRIER
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  4. #4
    God/dess Nautilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    how could you?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Featured Member cameronfl's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Outstanding! I am totally sharing this(with your permission!)

    Nautilus:Spice weasels rock!
    People always ask me, did I ever learn anything when I was a stripper? Yeah, I did. One man plus two beers equals 20 dollars.
    -- Anna Nicole Smith

    Myspace is an obsession...much like Stripperweb...
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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    hahah go for it. Last time I did something like this I got asked if I took it from myspace! How offensive.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  7. #7
    God/dess
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    When you go to saute' something...make sure you put the oil in BEFORE heating the pan.

    I had a stinky, smoke filled house for the rest of the night.

  8. #8
    God/dess Nautilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Quote Originally Posted by cameronfl View Post
    Outstanding! I am totally sharing this(with your permission!)

    Nautilus:Spice weasels rock!
    yes. yes they do.
    Last edited by Nautilus; 12-08-2008 at 06:55 PM.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #9
    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    BAM! to all you weasels out there.

    Mast, you hinting at, maybe, a tutorial? *turns on webcam, puts on apron*
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    apron over what you're wearing in your avatar there, Princess?

    I'd be in the "Live Studio Audience" faster than you could turn the cam on.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  11. #11
    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Quote Originally Posted by Mastridonicus View Post
    apron over what you're wearing in your avatar there, Princess?
    That'd be overdressing, don't you think? Only other thing I'd need are some oven mitts.

    Now see here, this is a whisk. Oh, stop giggling, I know it reminds you of something kinky. This is serious stuff here. Now I'll demonstrate how to crack an egg one-handed and we'll mak- HEY! What are yo- Why am I over your knee and- oooh! Give that back! OWW!
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

  12. #12
    miss marina
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Sunny side up shouldn't be crunchy.
    eww..haha. I emailed this to my mom since she is horrible at cooking.. no response yet lol..

  13. #13
    Featured Member cameronfl's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Quote Originally Posted by RoseWhite View Post
    That'd be overdressing, don't you think? Only other thing I'd need are some oven mitts.
    The funniest thing is..I did a film recently for Club Jenna that had me in an apron and oven mitts and nothing else....
    People always ask me, did I ever learn anything when I was a stripper? Yeah, I did. One man plus two beers equals 20 dollars.
    -- Anna Nicole Smith

    Myspace is an obsession...much like Stripperweb...
    http://www.myspace.com/cameronkeys (real myspace)

    http://www.myspace.com/sexyhotdancer(work myspace)


    Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

  14. #14
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Never invite a professional chef with control issues to your dinner party. They WILL try and take over!

    Don't cook eggs in the microwave.

    Watch out for any liquids you cook in the microwave, they will explode.

    Make sure its cooked in the middle before you take it out of the oven and serve it to others.

    Chile rellenos aren't that easy to make.

    Don't just have the correct ingredients, have good utensils and appliances.

    My russian salat olivier rocks the house (had to slip that one in )

    I keep my cooking simple.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    God/dess sassysummer's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    oh mast...we make the perfect cooking..or lack of..couple


    my pretty new oven and microwave, and i suck at using them





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    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    Never invite a professional chef with control issues to your dinner party. They WILL try and take over!
    Or you can make sure you invite one who likes to be taken over.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  17. #17
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Quote Originally Posted by RoseWhite View Post
    *turns on webcam, puts on apron*

    Wait! I can not see you! Are you camouflaged!?

    Or...camoflogged?
    HA

    HA

    HA


    I kill me

    *Eats a cat*
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  18. #18
    Lola Rose
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Quote Originally Posted by Deni View Post
    When you go to saute' something...make sure you put the oil in BEFORE heating the pan.

    I had a stinky, smoke filled house for the rest of the night.
    I burned a huge hole in the ceiling doing this when I was first on my own, it cost 700$ to fix.

  19. #19
    Lola Rose
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Mast, I love you for this

    Started my morning with a laugh, even though my stupid roommate burned the coffee!!!! (how do you do that????)

    oh well. I'm off to the starbucks! They love me there...

  20. #20
    Featured Member southstbabe's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Always read the receipe carefully and completely before getting started.

    I've had my share of "oh shit" moments three quarters of the way through a receipe over the years.

  21. #21
    Featured Member Sinder's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Mast, we love you! Well if your looking for a cooking instructional, I'll show you how to heat things up in the kitchen

  22. #22
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Classic, very classic. I won't tell you about one of my earliest cooking experiences, when I burned Kraft mac & cheese and tried to eat it anyway (I was about 11). The point though is that anyone can learn. I grew into a pretty damn good cook, although I do burn my hands nearly every time I cook anything.

    Oh, and cooking naked - NOT a good idea, especially if you're making tomato sauce (which spatters) or frying something (which pops hot oil everywhere). I once thought my husband would enjoy coming home from work to find me frying chicken naked. Needless to say, he found me whining in a cool bath covered in little red spots instead.

  23. #23
    God/dess sassysummer's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    i've blown 2...YES 2 casserole dishes within a year of eachother, the SAME way!...blew right up! glass flew everywhere! lol





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  24. #24
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinder View Post
    Mast, we love you! Well if your looking for a cooking instructional, I'll show you how to heat things up in the kitchen
    we == the people in your avatar?

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    Oh, and cooking naked - NOT a good idea, especially if you're making tomato sauce (which spatters) or frying something (which pops hot oil everywhere). I once thought my husband would enjoy coming home from work to find me frying chicken naked. Needless to say, he found me whining in a cool bath covered in little red spots instead.
    Oh yea, I don't mind that so much, the splattering and such. I typically cook in just jeans. But I'm very animated in the kitchen

    Quote Originally Posted by sassysummer View Post
    i've blown 2...YES 2 casserole dishes within a year of eachother, the SAME way!...blew right up! glass flew everywhere! lol
    My mom did this as well. My dad carried her to the tub... I didn't realize that's a typical reaction.

    You can add ->
    Suran wrap the remainder AFTER it's cooled.

    Impulse testing with your finger is costly

    Eggs do not BREAK as they do on tv.

    There is always EXACTLY what you need in the fridge, after you've ran out to buy it being sure you were out.

    When the RED is gone on the electric burners...they are still HOT.

    Your freezer has that frozen item you've been waiting all day to throw in your toaster and get your eat on with. Only the box is empty.

    Frozen, but microwaved perfectly, veggies are an excellent chips substitute.
    Frozen, but not microwaved perfectly, veggies are an excellent gobstopper substitute.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Featured Member southstbabe's Avatar
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    Default Re: A few things I've learned about cooking

    Quote Originally Posted by sassysummer View Post
    i've blown 2...YES 2 casserole dishes within a year of eachother, the SAME way!...blew right up! glass flew everywhere! lol
    I've done this too, and my son will never let me forget it.... "Hey mom, remember the time you blew up the casserole!"

    Along with when anyone ask him if the smoke detectors work in his house, he replies, "Yes, my Mom sets them off all the time when she's cooking"

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