I have opened up a lil on here and said what's been going on as far as me having an eating disorder.
Some things have happened rather recently that leave me with no option other than to get help.
The other night I wanted to kill myself and took sleeping pills. Obviously it didn't work but none the less, I still tried it.
It wasn't a ploy for attention , but rather I wanted a way out. So much intense shit is going on around me and just controlling my intake of food isn't cutting it anymore.
I'm left with realizing I need serious help and I need it now. I found a therapist and also ANA meetings to attend as well as other eating disorder support groups that I will be apart of prob for a very long time.
I'm leaving for FL to be inpatient in Renfrew which is an eating disorder clinic. I need inpatient counseling and around the clock care . i'm only able to do it for 6 days Which sucks ass but I have obligations here I can't ignore.
But I'm taking those 6 days for all they are worth, they are my starting point and my boost that I need so badly. I hope that they give me the tools to get my healing off the ground.
When I get home I'll be outpatient for 13 weeks.
I know that I need this but Im terrified of giving up control to something I control so intensely. I have no other choice and Im well aware of this
I also know that the next few days leading up to it , are going to be my worst ones. Just knowing I have to give up my scale, laxatives., purging and water pills... sorta sets me off into a frenzy.
My family is super supportive of this which is amazing.
Right now at 5 ft 6 ..I weight barely 103 lbs. My hair is falling out , and I've offically stopped getting periods. ( before they were one day events.. ) Im blacking out from not eating and I get winded rather easily. So, yah...this is sorta dire.
I hope not only to gain a healthy weight back on, but to find out what is making me do this to myself...there are huge underlying factors on why I ultimatley deny myself health and happiness. Because I do.
I literally will isolate and refuse to socially interact due to the fear of appearing stupid ..for NO reason. So that itself is something I have to work on.
I just wanted to vent ., share and ..well.. that's really it. And maybe help shed light on it and possibly have to push someone else into seeking help before it's too late.


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for you and you to get well.



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