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Thread: out of control teen

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    Member Val's Avatar
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    Default out of control teen

    Are there any resources for parents of out of control teens? The parents can't afford boot camp, the kid is 2 weeks shy of 18 and does whatever the hell he wants. Can't kick him out as the age you are liable for the kid is 21.
    the parents are basically being told until he does something violent that nothing can be done.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Once they hit this age, if the parents have not put their foot down and earned his respect early in life...it's hard to get it at this age.

    My mom kicked my ass out when I was 18 because I was being rude and disrespectful to her. It changed my view of her (she acted like a rug before). Sometimes a quick change in how YOU treat the child is the way to go. New rules and punishments (if possible) and no deviating from it.

    His parents are the parents. Tell them to start acting like it.

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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by VenusGoddess View Post
    His parents are the parents. Tell them to start acting like it.
    Seriously, you need to write a book.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  4. #4
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    They aren't liable until he's 21, they are liable until he's 18. They need to tell him he's got two weeks to find a job and a place to live, because on his 18th birthday he needs to get out and start fending for himself. In the meantime, no privileges and if they bought him a car or anything, they should sell it. If he wants to act like he's got no parents, then he can bloody well start providing for himself.

  5. #5
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Tell the kid to enlist in the military for three hots and a cot. He'll like his parents a whole lot more after that or find a way to follow his own path. Either way it's better than living in the street.

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    bily.org is a nonprofit organization for families with troubled teens.

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    I've heard of this, I don't know if it works or not, but here's the link:
    Total transformation program

    My gut tells me that they haven't respected their child's opinions and thoughts up to this point and that there is a lot of resentment on both sides of this issue. I think too many parents try to micro manage their teens behaviors and then get bogged down in stupid details like haircuts and music selection, but don't see the bigger problems.

    I have a 7th grader in my house, and this is a VERY tough age for both the kids and the parents. His dad and I pick our battles carefully. He has taken up the habit of swearing, and although we are not in any position to criticize, we tell him to limit the casual swearing as much as possible. We do try to correct him when his swearing is out of context, though. (when he was learning to dress himself as a toddler he would exclaim "These dammit pants!" We would correct him that not only was "dammit" a bad word, but he used it the wrong way, the correct phrase would be "These damn pants!"). It is cute when they are 2, not as cute when they are 12.

    From personal experience, my parents did not recognize my ability to think for myself and to make decisions on my own. I spent the majority of my 13th year in house arrest (grounded to my room, no friends, no tv, no going outside to play, no phone calls, no music), mostly because my parents couldn't stop micromanaging my entire life. So one day I decided to move out, and I did. I was a nanny for a drug dealer for about 6 weeks before I went back home.

    I would think that at the age of 17, there shouldn't be a lot of parenting left to do. At that age it is time to let the child to make his/her own decisions and succeed and fail on his/her own merits. The rules need to be simple, for instance, if his friends are dangerous or criminal the rule needs to be no entertaining said friends at the family home. Also, this is the time when parents begin withdrawing financial support for extracurriculars. He needs to start paying for his own car/insurance, allowance needs to start dwindling and he needs to earn his own money for recreational spending. I wouldn't cut off necessities like food/clothing/shelter/medical care/tuition, but expenses like cell phones, cars, internet/cable tv etc. needs to be picked up by the (nearly) adult child.

    Now if the child is also a criminal and/or mentally ill, this issue needs to be addressed before he is 18. The parents may be out of their league to deal with a gang member child or mentally ill child on their own. They need to step up to the plate and get him professional help before it is too late.

    They can't force a child of that age to enjoy the same lifestyle that the parents enjoy. You can't force him to be religious and uphold the family religious beliefs or the family political beliefs. He is an individual, and he will live his life according to his own world view. If they are trying to force their child to "believe" in an ideology, this will cause tension and strife in all other aspects of family life.

    As strippers, we know better than most people that what our families seem to think is best for us is usually not in alignment with what we do for a living, and the family will fight the daughter's "wicked ways" tooth and nail. No matter what anyone says to me, I'm not convinced that I need to live in poverty just to appease them. It is my life, and I'm the one who has to live it, no one else.

    My individuality was not respected when I was a teen. I was even grounded once because I ate the wrong kind of foods for breakfast. I know I am projecting here, but I think a lot of parents have this kind of struggle with their teens.


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    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    They aren't liable until he's 21, they are liable until he's 18. They need to tell him he's got two weeks to find a job and a place to live, because on his 18th birthday he needs to get out and start fending for himself. In the meantime, no privileges and if they bought him a car or anything, they should sell it. If he wants to act like he's got no parents, then he can bloody well start providing for himself.
    Exactly. He'd probably be like, "fine!" at first... until he actually tries to get a job and see's how much living costs really are.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Banned gingerlee's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by Bella21 View Post
    Exactly. He'd probably be like, "fine!" at first... until he actually tries to get a job and see's how much living costs really are.
    Yeah, moving out on your own and doing things as an 'adult' sound great at first. Then the fact that you need money for all those things your parents' used to pay for smacks you in the face. It puts things in a totally different perspective.

    If they haven't gotten things under control by now though, they're pretty much screwed. I use my sister as an example, because she was trouble from the time she was 15 (drugs, stealing, drinking, running away, skipping school, breaking into people's homes, the works) and my parents were too busy making sure she wasn't listening to rap that cursed too much to notice she was on another planet. She's now 22, and she's doing the same things she was doing since she was 15. All she's done is bounce in and out of jail, nothing fazes her. The sad thing is, my parents are still taking care of her financially, not even noticing she's still strung out. It makes me sad, but she's not going to stop until she wants to.

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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Well, I have to kind of disagree with Paris...I think that MOST parents are too afraid to "offend" their children. They want to be friends with their kids before parents and wonder why their kids have no respect for them. At least, this is the problem I see with the parents/kids around me.

    I do agree that if the parents bought a car, etc...then all of that is to be taken away and let the kid buy everything he needs himself. The 2 week ultimatum may be kind of harsh...but, he'll probably be home groveling within a month or so.

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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by VenusGoddess View Post
    Well, I have to kind of disagree with Paris...I think that MOST parents are too afraid to "offend" their children. They want to be friends with their kids before parents and wonder why their kids have no respect for them. At least, this is the problem I see with the parents/kids around me.
    Quoted for truth. Permissive parenting actually produces the worst results, by far.

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    Senior Member shirtystrumpet's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    If it's really a mess, I know that there's a school in Missouri that takes kids for free if they stay until graduation.
    It's pretty weird, though, and personally, I would never send a kid there. It's a christian place, and it involves a bit of insanity.
    But if they're nothing else...

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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    They aren't liable until he's 21, they are liable until he's 18.



    Depends on the state. My real dad was liable for me until I was 21.
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  14. #14
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    ^^^ How is that possible? 18 is the legal age of majority in every state. How can you hold an adult responsible for the actions of another adult?

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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    ^^^ How is that possible? 18 is the legal age of majority in every state. How can you hold an adult responsible for the actions of another adult?
    Not ever state. Some states have it at 19 or 21.


    * Alabama - 19 (Ala.Code 30-2-31;30-2-51;30-2-1)
    * Alaska - 18
    * American Samoa - 18
    * Arizona - 18
    * Arkansas - 18; or if still in high school at 18, upon graduation
    * California - 18 (CA Family Code §§ 6500 and 6501)
    * Colorado - 19
    * Connecticut - 18
    * Delaware - 19
    * District of Columbia - 21 (D.C. Stat. § 30-401)
    * Florida - 18
    * Georgia - 18
    * Guam - 18
    * Hawaii - 18
    * Idaho - 18
    * Illinois - 18
    * Indiana - 21
    * Iowa - 18
    * Kansas - 18
    * Kentucky - 18
    * Louisiana - 18 (La. Civ. Code Ann. art. 29)
    * Maine - 18
    * Maryland - 18
    * Massachusetts - 18
    * Michigan - 18
    * Minnesota - 18
    * Missouri - 18
    * Mississippi - 21
    * Montana - 18
    * Nebraska - 19
    * New Hampshire - 18
    * New Mexico - 18
    * Nevada - 18; or if still in high school at 18, upon graduation or reaching age 19, whichever be sooner
    * New Jersey - 18, for most purposes (N.J.S. 9:17B-3)
    * New York - 21
    * North Carolina - 18
    * North Dakota - 18
    * Northern Marianas Islands - 18
    * Ohio - 18 or upon graduation from high school, whichever be earlier
    * Oklahoma - 18
    * Oregon - 18
    * Pennsylvania - 18
    * Puerto Rico - 21
    * Rhode Island - 18
    * South Carolina - 18
    * South Dakota - 18
    * Tennessee - 18; or if still in high school at 18, upon graduation
    * Texas - 18
    * U.S. Virgin Islands - 18
    * Utah - 18 or upon graduation from high school, whichever be earlier
    * Vermont - 18
    * Virginia - 18; or if still in high school at 18, upon graduation
    * Washington - 18 (RCW 26.28.010)
    * West Virginia - 18 (W. Va. Code § 2-3-1)
    * Wisconsin - 18; or if still in high school at 18, upon graduation or reaching age 19, whichever be sooner
    * Wyoming - 19
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    Marek says, "A friend of mine got punched in the face by a dominatrix stripper about two weeks ago and I thought of you."

  16. #16
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    So you're telling me that in New York you have to be 21 to live on your own, or that parents are required to support their 20-year-old offspring? That doesn't sound right to me.

  17. #17
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by PaigeDWinter View Post
    * California - 18 (CA Family Code §§ 6500 and 6501)
    Just my story-
    At age 18 I shacked up with an older guy to escape my house in California- I wish I had left sooner.... My egg donor was not respectable or sane. 18 year olds with few avenues to turn to are going to have a damn hard time surviving on their own.

    Maybe he's just a snotnosed brat. Or maybe there's something going on....Look, he just needs to find a way to NOT be there...Everyone will be happier...Can he move in with relatives or find an employer willing to teach him a trade?

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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    So you're telling me that in New York you have to be 21 to live on your own, or that parents are required to support their 20-year-old offspring? That doesn't sound right to me.
    Oh no, you can live on your own at 18, or 16 if you get emancipated. I totally moved out when I turned 18. Age of license in NY is still 18, so you can live on your own, vote, etc.... but until you're 21, your parents still have to insure you for health, and CAN overrule some decisions you make, or be held responsible for some things their child does that breaks the law. Honestly? I know very little about the laws and such for that, I just know that it IS 21 there. I couldn't tell you every exact thing that the parent is responsible for between the age of 18 and 21...
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    Marasmus ... "Ladies don't fart. They butt-laugh."
    Marasmus says, "Oh no, that wasn't gas, it was merely a rectal chuckle."

    Marek says, "A friend of mine got punched in the face by a dominatrix stripper about two weeks ago and I thought of you."

  19. #19
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    I see... well, in that case, I still say kick his ass out. Keep him on the health insurance, but let him get an apartment and a job and he'll grow up in a hurry. (Or he won't, in which case they failed as parents several years ago and there's nothing to be done about it now.)

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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Man, it pisses me off when parents don't lay down the law. I had the rug parents mentioned, and though I'm okay now, it kind of fucked me up when I was a child/teen living with them and had 0 discipline.

  21. #21
    Member Val's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    All good advice. thank you for the imput.
    Yup according to that they are liable until he's 21. How is that???? Seems like a scam for kids like him that want to be unmotivated and just cause problems. I think he is a spoiled brat from what my friend tells me.
    Now he's claiming mental problems, but has been in counseling and to see a psychiatrist. Had blood work AND a cat scan and yet they find nothing wrong with him. Beat the snot out of his car,b/c he was mad at it. Hopefully she listened to me and is not helping him get it fixed. Blogged on his myspace about how his day was and gloating about all the stuff he was getting away with.
    The dr. prescribed Lexapro for him and he wouldn't take it. She says he's just depressed.
    She is really at her wits end.

  22. #22
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    ^^^ Sounds like she created this monster in the first place. He's being exactly the person she raised.

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    Default Re: out of control teen

    It's a little late in the game to start putting thier foot down. It should have happened a long time ago.



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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by Sirona View Post
    It's a little late in the game to start putting thier foot down. It should have happened a long time ago.
    Oh yea, with a lil thing I like to call, "Mr. Belt" lol..But seriously though..you can't wait until a kid is almost grown to then try enforcing some rules on him. That's going to be very hard..the last 17yrs of his life he's gotten away with EVERYTHING! He's a product of his environment.







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    God/dess VenusGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: out of control teen

    Quote Originally Posted by Val View Post
    She says he's just depressed.
    She is really at her wits end.
    He could be, but it sounds more like a case of Denial and not wanting her "little baby" to grow up, which is why she is still making excuses for him and why she continues to allow him to use her.

    That won't change until she boots him...sell the car...boot his ass. If nothing else, she'll at least have the quiet peacefulness of her house.

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