I think I just hit a new low--I got ready for work, drove all the way to the club, and then turned around and went back home. Because I felt too fat to work. Because I'd eaten dinner before I left for the club.
It's always the same way--if my stomach is empty and I've not eaten for a few hours, I feel like the sexiest girl in the club. I know every guy in the club wants me, and I'm worth hundreds of dollars. Rude assholes don't phase me, bitchy girls and drama don't phase me, rejection only means that some poor brokeass can't afford me and/or is a fool to turn me down. And on those nights, i BANK. Money flows to me easily, and I love my job.
But when I eat before work, even if it's a sandwich or a piece of fruit, I dread going in. It's pointless to even be there on those nights, because even though most men are kind of dense, it's obvious that I really don't have any self-confidence...the voice in my head keeps reminding me that no one wants a dance from an ugly fat chick, that I'll never make money again until I lose weight, that I'm a pig and I don't deserve to have a good night. My confidence is shot to hell and I end up huddling in the DR miserable and hating all the skinny hot girls that are banking.
Thing is, I'm not technically overweight. I'm 5'2" or 5'3" (I don't really know which; half the time I get measured they say 5'2", the other half of the time I get 5'3") and 120 lbs. But I look BAD. My thighs are huge, my arms are huge, I'm not toned enough, and when I eat before work I just go from ethereal goddess to pasty beached whale in 2.5 seconds and my night is shot.
I really needed the money tonight too...but with the whale mindset, I wouldn't have made anything anyway. Am I the only one that this happens to? You'd think I would have caught on by now, to just save the eating for after work. Because if I eat a nutritious breakfast in the a.m., a healthy lunch in the afternoon, and something light AFTER work, I'm good to go! No problems. (But even then, if I eat anything junky at any time...it's beached-whale time again.
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I feel stupid, and disgusted with myself. It's like I sabotage myself. Why??I know that I'd feel good about myself, and make more money and have a far easier time at work, if I lost 10 lbs and toned up, got back to working out regularly and ate in a way that wouldn't make me feel like an orca. But I do the complete opposite of that. FUCKFUCKFUCK.
And the management at my club just gave about five girls warnings: they were told they had 30 days to lose weight or they'd be sacked. I didn't get a warning (thank God)...but it's made me paranoid for sure.Maybe I should act as if I'd been given the 30-day warning...maybe that would get my ass in gear.


I really needed the money tonight too...but with the whale mindset, I wouldn't have made anything anyway. Am I the only one that this happens to? You'd think I would have caught on by now, to just save the eating for after work. Because if I eat a nutritious breakfast in the a.m., a healthy lunch in the afternoon, and something light AFTER work, I'm good to go! No problems. (But even then, if I eat anything junky at any time...it's beached-whale time again.
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How do you even fry a pickle? Wouldn't it just lose all its water content and shrivel up?
Thanks, I try! 

I believe you Dottie and you have my support

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