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Thread: I need advice.

  1. #1
    Veteran Member dishis's Avatar
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    Default I need advice.

    I have a few really close friends from college. Although we have been out for several years we have remained tight, but this last several months have been really hard for one of us I will call here Jane. Jane got married in April of last year to her high school sweetheart. A couple months latter they found out they were having a child. She was happier than I have ever seen her.

    In December, coming home from a Christmas party, Jane and her husband were involved in a very bad accident. He did not make it. Jane had a couple of broken ribs, and many bumps and bruises. There was concern for the baby, and Jane was kept in the hospital for a little over a week. Both Jane and the baby did end with a clean bill of health and were released.

    Feb 14 little Dana Lynn was delivered still born. Jane is going through a very had time right now. Getting her to do anything out side the house is almost impossibe. I even had to set her up with a grocery delivery service because she would not go on her own. She does not work anymore or do anything it seems.

    One of our friends is convinced the best thing we could do for her is have a get together on Mothers Day. To celebrate Dena Lynn. I'm afraid she could not handle it. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to be by herself on Mothers Day.

  2. #2
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    Quote Originally Posted by dishis View Post
    I have a few really close friends from college. Although we have been out for several years we have remained tight, but this last several months have been really hard for one of us I will call here Jane. Jane got married in April of last year to her high school sweetheart. A couple months latter they found out they were having a child. She was happier than I have ever seen her.

    In December, coming home from a Christmas party, Jane and her husband were involved in a very bad accident. He did not make it. Jane had a couple of broken ribs, and many bumps and bruises. There was concern for the baby, and Jane was kept in the hospital for a little over a week. Both Jane and the baby did end with a clean bill of health and were released.

    Feb 14 little Dana Lynn was delivered still born. Jane is going through a very had time right now. Getting her to do anything out side the house is almost impossibe. I even had to set her up with a grocery delivery service because she would not go on her own. She does not work anymore or do anything it seems.

    One of our friends is convinced the best thing we could do for her is have a get together on Mothers Day. To celebrate Dena Lynn. I'm afraid she could not handle it. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to be by herself on Mothers Day.
    This is trauma psychology. Depression of this magnitude can be very VERY dangerous especially if she's caring for child. Get Jane help. Do it ANONYMOUSLY. It's IMPORTANT she not see who does this because initially she will hate you for it, but if you leave it open, she'll hate everyone that may have been concerned.

    Or even worse, she may even thank you for it.

    She's having trouble, she has a child, if she's entertaining suicide, there's not much time before she can no longer justify life.

    Please get her help.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  3. #3
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    This problem is more than a few friends can fix. Was Jane predisposed to depressive episodes before these tragedies? Does she have supportive family? Did she attend religious services, or was part of any community group?

    Ideally she needs to be with close family, on medication, and watched all the time. Naturally it's easier for me to say these things than for her nearest & dearest to do it all.
    PM me please.

  4. #4
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    Mast, she doesn't have a child; the child was stillborn. So her husband and her baby are both dead. Sounds like she is really seriously depressed and she needs help.

    I would vote against the Mother's Day party, as it would rub her nose in her baby's death. But you're right, she absolutely should not be alone. She should be with family and friends as much as possible, and she NEEDS counseling.

  5. #5
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    Someone should definitely be with her on Mother's Day, but no party, for god's sake.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    Someone should definitely be with her on Mother's Day, but no party, for god's sake.
    ^ Ditto.



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    Default Re: I need advice.

    Im sad for your friend. To have that happen very close to each other in time is very overwhelming for her as youve seen. Maybe you can set up some grief counseling for her and driver her there yourself? At least a professional can see how bad of a state shes in and get her more help.

    I agree, be with her and let her grieve on mothers day any way she wants to. Sounds like youre a good friend and she really needs someone like you around.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
    -Kenpachi



  8. #8
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    Sorry this is long, but my heart is crying for her and for you too. To have to watch your friend fall apart like this.

    Please get your friend some help. My first Mother's Day without my daughter was awful and heartbreaking...not just for me, but for those around me trying to do what they could.

    If she has family, they need to make a call. If not, you or another friend needs to do it.

    She is in a deep state of depression and going outside just reminds her of everything and makes her face her loss. It's just so much easier to be inside and wallow. She needs to get out and get help. It will save her life.

    I'm going to admit this here, because I trust the SW people. I attempted suicide myself and because I had people watching for me, I didn't succeed.

    I was taken upstate NY for a month to a farm, where I worked on the land, picked fruit and veggies, and got to know myself. Through this and through some medication and therapy, I am alive and stronger.

    I know this is not possible for everyone, but she needs to get out and possibly get away for a little bit. Away from things that remind her of what she's lost.

    Lastly, be with her on Mother's Day. Don't bring flowers or have a party. Bring a memorial plant or even better, have a tree planted in her daughter's memory. That's what was done for me and the tree is thriving and healthy almost 4 years later.

    Please PM me if you need anything further. I will be there for any questions you might have.

  9. #9
    Veteran Member dishis's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    First I want to thank everyone that has replied. To answer some questions

    1 She has limited family. Her mother is dead her father is alive but they are not close (He did not even come to her husbands funeral) She has a stepbrother from her father current marriage, but they have only met a couple of times.

    2. Did she attend religious services, or was part of any community group?

    3. I never saw any evidence that she was depressed before her husband died.

    She and her husband were volunteer for Habitat for Humanity.

    I know she needs help Mast says to do anonymously, but I'm not sure how to do that. She has been in a few counciling sessions, but she says it makes it worse. She has never threaten suicide so how I do I get someone to say she could be a danger to herself ?
    Last edited by dishis; 05-02-2007 at 02:49 PM.

  10. #10
    God/dess threlayer's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    Professional help and maybe church people
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

    Customers are not entitled to grope, disrespect, or rob strippers. This is their job, not their hobby, and they all need income. Clubs are not just some erotic show for guys to view while drinking.

    NOTE: anything I post here, outside of a direct quote, is my opinion only, which I am entitled to. Take it for what you estimate it is worth.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    Quote Originally Posted by dishis View Post
    She and her husband were volunteer for Habitat for Humanity
    I'm wondering if she was close to anyone from that organization? I'm saying this because that's a great way to work through grief, by keeping busy and doing something for others.

  12. #12
    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need advice.

    what lunatic came up with that idea?

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