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Thread: The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Sinful333's Avatar
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    The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

    My SO's mom has colorectal cancer and is going in for surgery to remove her colon on Tuesday. She went through 6 weeks of chemo and radiation and it shrunk the tumor significantly. Anyways, she is very optimistic and says just like the rest of us that everything is going to be fine, she is just going to be in pain and discomfort for 6 weeks after the surgery.

    My SO has been really irritable and moody for the last week or so. We have been fighting more than ever. He will just not speak to me for hours, and then when I ask what is wrong he will snap and say nothing, Im just fucked up.. it isnt you. It has gotten to the point where he actually took his daughter and went to his mothers house tonight because he says that it is the last weekend that he may see her alive.

    Am I wrong for being pissed at him leaving tonight? His mother is already asleep, lives 3 minutes away from us. Why couldnt he just go in the morning. Also, tonight was the night my kids were expecting to celebrate his daughters birthday and he just takes her and leaves and now my kids are wondering what is going on... no cake no ice cream.. no nothing except she opened the gifts we got her.

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

    are you wrong for being angry? i wouldn't say "wrong" because i understand some of the issues you may have but i do think you need to cut him more slack. he's obviously very worried about losing his mom. he feels the time slipping away and he's very scared.

    should he interrupt his daughter's party and such and create a "difference" between the families? i understand why but i don't agree with that. kids need to be placed first and don't need the trauma imo.

    should he be distancing himself from you during this time? no, but that's just how some people cope.

    maybe you need to reassure him that you're there for him and his mother will be fine but if he wants to spend time with her now i think you should definitely support that. i don't think his daughter needs to be cut off from the rest of the family though. i think a unified family is very critical, especially during traumatic times like possibly losing a parent.

    to that end, you might want to suggest going with him and spending some time there and then bring all the kids back as a "family". if he wants to stay with his mom, i think that should be fine. it reassures him and his mother. his mom might really be scared (i would be!) and just putting up a brave front.

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    Veteran Member Sinful333's Avatar
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    Default Re: The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

    I totally agree with what you said, however I have TRIED scheduling time with him to go over to his mom's house and take her to dinner or go to a movie, or just hang out. But, he doesnt want me or my kids to go with him (ok, ok, ok he doesnt actually SAY this but he always changes the subject or tells me that they(he and his daughter) are going over there for a few minutes).

    I just feel like for the last week he has been treating me like shit and now he is using the surgery and the stress that goes along with it to "leave" me. I love him with every ounce of my soul. But, I cant have this tension between us. You could cut it with a damn knife in my house when we are both here.

    Thanks for your response though... just talking about it makes me feel better.

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinful333 View Post
    But, he doesnt want me or my kids to go with him (ok, ok, ok he doesnt actually SAY this but he always changes the subject or tells me that they(he and his daughter) are going over there for a few minutes).
    maybe you should just go over on your own with something like a cake or flowers or something. just something as an excuse (i'm assuming the mom likes you). it reinforces the spousal/SO thing. imo it shows him you care about the people he cares about.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinful333 View Post
    I just feel like for the last week he has been treating me like shit and now he is using the surgery and the stress that goes along with it to "leave" me. I love him with every ounce of my soul. But, I cant have this tension between us. You could cut it with a damn knife in my house when we are both here.
    it's the stressful times that test the strength and commitment of the relationship. his tension really isn't you or the relationship (although the separating of the kids isn't something i like but i don't know the history here), so i don't think you should be worried just supportive in his time of need.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinful333 View Post
    Thanks for your response though... just talking about it makes me feel better.
    you're welcome, that's what we're all here for! good luck!

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    Veteran Member Sinful333's Avatar
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    Default Re: The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

    Ok so NOW get this...

    He comes home this morning and all the kids get in the pool. He starts working on his car that he has been trying to get this wheel bearing out for 4 days and gets so frustrated and pissed off that he throws a hammer at his car and then punches it. IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

    So then his phone rings and he tells his daughter to get dressed. His mother shows up a few minutes later and she barely even speaks to me. He goes inside and then comes back out about 5 minutes later. He says bye to my kids then says BYE to me all rude and sarcastically. He says, Can I have a hug and I put my arms out cause now Im pissed. He leans down and then looks at me. I say, "What." and he yells at me, "I CANT PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE SITTING DOWN." I stand up and he gives me a bullshit pat on the back hug.

    NOW Im pissed. He gets in the car and they drive away. I start crying, call my mom and she says to maybe text him. So I do. No response. I take my kids to the gas station to get a treat and me some cigarettes and guess who is there. Him and his daughter. They pull up next to me and he says we are going to Toys R us and I say ok. He says I love you but ROLLS HIS FUCKING EYES. I just drive away.

    Now... FUCK HIM and fuck him making ME feel like shit. Im pissed off and upset and he could give a fuck less.

    sorry for the foul mouth.

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

    well, it does sound like he's trying to push you away.

    we guys do this during stressful times. dunno why, it must be a testosterone thing.

    but i still don't think it's a relationship-thing (in regards to you directly) but fallout from the mom situation (clues: the phone call and pickup soon thereafter, no greeting, etc.).

    i'm not saying to let him walk all over you but try to talk with him and be sincere. tell him you DO love him but why is he being so mean and separating himself and his daughter from the rest of your family (his and yours).

    sometimes stuff like this just needs to be said out loud for it to sink in or be seen (i.e. smack over the head).

    maybe he just needs to let things out, fear for losing his mom, anger at something, resentment, etc. and whatever.

    some things you typed point to some feelings he might misreading from you or some "thinking" that he's doing that maybe isn't really the case. (guys also do that during stressful times) hth

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    Veteran Member Sinful333's Avatar
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    Default Re: The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

    As a man do you think I am egging this on?

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The SO's mother is going in for surgery...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinful333 View Post
    As a man do you think I am egging this on?
    no, i don't think you're "egging" this or him on at all. then again, i'm not there witnessing everything but maybe he has certain expectations of you (whether these are reasonable or not is something you have to find out and judge for yourself).

    but you have certain expectations and concerns, and you need to let him know those. you're an equal partner in that relationship. yes, he might need your help and understanding right now but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat for him and your feelings are any less important.

    but can what you've done (or not done) be interpreted by him as "insufficient"? sure. he might interpret you're not going over to his mom's, overtly caring, etc. as you distancing yourself from his family (i.e. his mom). ironic, huh?

    not saying he's right about that but that could be his viewpoint. some of the actions and comments you described kinda point me to think that might be on his mind but i'm guessing from two degrees of separation and obviously can be totally off!

    one of the ways to clarify different views is to compare them by open and candid discussion.

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