Ladies- I this is long, but please help...I desperately need some advice from women stronger than I as I am now.
After almost a year of dancing, for the first time, I feel legitimately shaken up about what I do. I've always been unwavering in my self-image, my self-respect, my no-apologies-necessary feelings towards dancing. But now...
I've always been close with my younger brother. We were best friends for at least 3 years up until a few months ago (when I became disturbingly aware of his previously undetected manipulation and lies, his capability for stealing from you, etc. I felt incredibly betrayed, but completely awoken to what I'd missed before- or maybe who he'd grown into.
We'd had a falling out, but not too long after we made up, but things haven't been at all the same since. I would LIKE to want to make up, it's just that my better judgment, and pure gut instincts, won't allow me to go back through that door. It's a creepy feeling.
Suddenly I realized that he knew exactly what this part time job really was. I'd been telling him I was a bartender all summer, and thinking he believed me. He drove me to work all summer, and certainly enjoyed the benefits- letting me give him money left and right, pay for everything including multiple vacations etc. - I even found out later that, even as I was GIVING him money- he was stealing from me. So I realized he would have no qualms about just walking into my room and seeing what was in that mysterious bag I kept bringing in with me to the strip club where I happened to work as a "bartender", and seeing all of my work clothes. He knew. There was no way he didn't already know.
In fact, it makes me sick. Because all summer, even when I said I wanted to quit, he kept encouraging me to go to work, keep the job- even to go BACK to work after I did quit. Because it was all to easy for him to sit on his lazy butt (no job, just bumming around my parents house, not going to school, nothing.) What a little creep!
All of this, I got over- I never really dealt with it, I just accepted it as soon as I realized what was going on.
But tonight, while I was helping him pick out a last minute mother's day present, he was thinking of buying something for himself for 7 dollars, but mentioned it being to expensive. I started to say "But it's only 7 dollars....oh that's right, you're broke.XD" It was playful and harmless teasing. Then he snorted a laugh and said "Heh, just because I don't whore myself out..." My heart skipped a beat. I said "What? What is that supposed to mean?" he gave me a look and said "It was a JOKE."
!!!!
How should I feel about this? I know I should just blow it off as a prick being a prick. In fact, at this point, I honestly feel sorry for him, because I believe that he is a sociopath, as his behavior constantly demonstrates. But for some reason...I just don't know. He is younger than me, but every bit as intelligent. So I just feel so exposed...I feel like I'm looking at myself through a mirror, through his eyes, and being ashamed of what I see.
My stability has been shattered into a million pieces. I have a hundred feelings all pulling me in different directions. I don't feel the same way for more than 5 seconds. It makes me feel sick inside. I feel ashamed of myself. Every now and again I'll feel good about what I do, but that fades VERY quickly- I feel so disconnected from my own self esteem. ='(
I have no mental refuge from these feelings right now...suddenly thought, maybe SW is exactly who I need to be talking to right now.
Thanks for listening to me go on...please help me figure out what I should be feeling right now- or perhaps even more importantly, what should I DO about it?




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