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Thread: Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

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    Exclamation Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

    Ladies- I this is long, but please help...I desperately need some advice from women stronger than I as I am now.

    After almost a year of dancing, for the first time, I feel legitimately shaken up about what I do. I've always been unwavering in my self-image, my self-respect, my no-apologies-necessary feelings towards dancing. But now...

    I've always been close with my younger brother. We were best friends for at least 3 years up until a few months ago (when I became disturbingly aware of his previously undetected manipulation and lies, his capability for stealing from you, etc. I felt incredibly betrayed, but completely awoken to what I'd missed before- or maybe who he'd grown into.

    We'd had a falling out, but not too long after we made up, but things haven't been at all the same since. I would LIKE to want to make up, it's just that my better judgment, and pure gut instincts, won't allow me to go back through that door. It's a creepy feeling.

    Suddenly I realized that he knew exactly what this part time job really was. I'd been telling him I was a bartender all summer, and thinking he believed me. He drove me to work all summer, and certainly enjoyed the benefits- letting me give him money left and right, pay for everything including multiple vacations etc. - I even found out later that, even as I was GIVING him money- he was stealing from me. So I realized he would have no qualms about just walking into my room and seeing what was in that mysterious bag I kept bringing in with me to the strip club where I happened to work as a "bartender", and seeing all of my work clothes. He knew. There was no way he didn't already know.

    In fact, it makes me sick. Because all summer, even when I said I wanted to quit, he kept encouraging me to go to work, keep the job- even to go BACK to work after I did quit. Because it was all to easy for him to sit on his lazy butt (no job, just bumming around my parents house, not going to school, nothing.) What a little creep!

    All of this, I got over- I never really dealt with it, I just accepted it as soon as I realized what was going on.

    But tonight, while I was helping him pick out a last minute mother's day present, he was thinking of buying something for himself for 7 dollars, but mentioned it being to expensive. I started to say "But it's only 7 dollars....oh that's right, you're broke.XD" It was playful and harmless teasing. Then he snorted a laugh and said "Heh, just because I don't whore myself out..." My heart skipped a beat. I said "What? What is that supposed to mean?" he gave me a look and said "It was a JOKE."

    !!!!

    How should I feel about this? I know I should just blow it off as a prick being a prick. In fact, at this point, I honestly feel sorry for him, because I believe that he is a sociopath, as his behavior constantly demonstrates. But for some reason...I just don't know. He is younger than me, but every bit as intelligent. So I just feel so exposed...I feel like I'm looking at myself through a mirror, through his eyes, and being ashamed of what I see.

    My stability has been shattered into a million pieces. I have a hundred feelings all pulling me in different directions. I don't feel the same way for more than 5 seconds. It makes me feel sick inside. I feel ashamed of myself. Every now and again I'll feel good about what I do, but that fades VERY quickly- I feel so disconnected from my own self esteem. ='(

    I have no mental refuge from these feelings right now...suddenly thought, maybe SW is exactly who I need to be talking to right now.

    Thanks for listening to me go on...please help me figure out what I should be feeling right now- or perhaps even more importantly, what should I DO about it?
    Last edited by MsLuckyCharm; 05-13-2007 at 07:30 PM.

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    God/dess Bridgette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

    He took a cheapshot at you because he *wanted* to tear you down, because he knows you now see him for what *he* is, and that's a lying, manipulative, thiefing jerk. He wishes he could do what you do, but he can't. It sounds to me like a classic case of "misery loves company", and trying to make you feel bad in an attempt to make himself feel better.

    If I were you I wouldn't spend anymore time with him, except when it's unavoidable due to family get-togethers and whatnot. It doesn't mean you need to cut him completely out of your life, but at the same time, you don't need to give any of your time or energy to someone who treats you like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
    When you lead a nontraditional life don't try to measure it with traditional milestones.

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    Default Re: Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

    Maybe other people are more lenient when it comes to blood relations, but IMHO you shouldn't tolerate this treatment from anyone. Would you put up with a friend who stole money from you, made you feel like shit about yourself for making money in an unconventional but perfectly legal (and usually fun) way, hit you up for money constantly, lied to you and called you a whore? Would you put up with it from a boyfriend? I hope not. And if not, why would you put up with it from a brother?

    If he is broke, then no wonder he's jealous of you, that you've got what it takes to make hundreds of dollars a night when he's got nothing. He could have some money of his own if he got off his ass and stopped stealing and leeching from you.

    Personally I'd cut him right off. No contact and certainly no more money going his way. And I'd walk into the club with my head held high knowing that his shitty attempts to shame me weren't working.

    it's one thing if YOU decide that dancing isn't for you, for whatever reason. it's not for everyone; some people aren't meant to do this job. But it's another thing for you to allow someone else to tell you what you should do and how you should feel about your job and yourself.

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    Default Re: Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

    Quote Originally Posted by Bridgette View Post
    He took a cheapshot at you because he *wanted* to tear you down, because he knows you now see him for what *he* is, and that's a lying, manipulative, thiefing jerk. He wishes he could do what you do, but he can't. It sounds to me like a classic case of "misery loves company", and trying to make you feel bad in an attempt to make himself feel better.

    If I were you I wouldn't spend anymore time with him, except when it's unavoidable due to family get-togethers and whatnot. It doesn't mean you need to cut him completely out of your life, but at the same time, you don't need to give any of your time or energy to someone who treats you like that.
    Bingo! Please don't let his negative attitude shake the foundation of who you are...his opinion is nothing but toxic. Do you still live at home? If so, I'd suggest moving out. If you cannot for some reason, don't leave money lying around. Put in in a bank account or a safety deposit box. Ignore him, as Bridgette suggested, until he behaves like a real brother should. It's true that your faux relationship with him crumbled, but you and all that you accomplished certainly didn't! I know it's hard, as this came as a shock to you...but manipulative people bring nothing but sadness and complications.
    "Seeing the landscape at this superficial level only captures its boring uniformity, not allowing you to immerse yourself in the spirit of the place; for that you must stop at least several days."

    ~Che Guevara, "The Motorcycle Diaries"

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    Default Re: Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

    Thank you girls so very much for your words. You're really a great, and only, help to me right now. I'm now half-way to processing this...::sigh::

    The part I'm still having trouble with is, how to not feel ashamed of myself because of this...unflattering comparison exposed? =(

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    Default Re: Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

    Please don't feel ashamed! I don't let ANYONE know how much money I make, nor am I especially generous (sounds greedy, I know), just because I don't want anyone to take advantage of me, even family. Of course I do nice things for my family (nights out, makeup for my mom and sister, etc.) but I never want them to think that it is okay for them to hit me up or borrow money.

    In your situation, I have to say that even though people can be family, they can still certainly be assholes! Put it in this perspective: ever had a leeching boyfriend/friend or an asshole custie, they are most likely the brother/sister of someone. Would you give them money or the time of day?! Stay away from him for awhile and give it some time, then as he (hopefully) grows up get closer to him again. And in the meantime, pretend that you are always broke; it works wonders in all of these situations.

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    Default Re: Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

    Great advice Darling, again that's been very helpful.

    ::sigh:: It's hard though, when we are hanging out, we have SO much fun- and back in the day, during the summer, he was (at least he acted like he was) such a good friend. We have so much in common, mentally. Or at least I thought we did. Perhaps he was just manipulating me the whole time.

    It's such a shame, I thought I had a really great relationship with my brother. Then he went and spoiled it by being evil and cruel.

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    Default Re: Please help- I'm in need of some empowerment :'(

    Quote Originally Posted by Darling View Post
    Please don't feel ashamed! I don't let ANYONE know how much money I make, nor am I especially generous (sounds greedy, I know), just because I don't want anyone to take advantage of me, even family. Of course I do nice things for my family (nights out, makeup for my mom and sister, etc.) but I never want them to think that it is okay for them to hit me up or borrow money.

    In your situation, I have to say that even though people can be family, they can still certainly be assholes! Put it in this perspective: ever had a leeching boyfriend/friend or an asshole custie, they are most likely the brother/sister of someone. Would you give them money or the time of day?! Stay away from him for awhile and give it some time, then as he (hopefully) grows up get closer to him again. And in the meantime, pretend that you are always broke; it works wonders in all of these situations.

    GREAT ADVICE! I went through a very similiar situation with my younger brother who is a bartender. I would NEVER tell him how much money I made no matter how many times he would ask. My money is MY business...and I knew how money- obsessed he was. So I just let him win everytime so I wouldn't have to hear the guilt trips from him OR my family.
    Last edited by Mily; 05-15-2007 at 03:57 AM.



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