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Thread: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    One of my high school friends is really in over his head. He knocked up his girlfriend, married her, and had the kid. She is INSANE, like Brynn Hartman insane (Phil Hartman's wife who was jealous, threw temper tantrums in public for attention, and shot Phil and herself). She has severe issues and had no inhibitions about them. Being around her is like walking on a minefield covered with eggshells. She's really violent, and abuses the fact that he won't hit a woman and doesn't want to call the cops on her. He's been knocked unconscious, he's had to get treatment to testicular damage several times, and he looks like Tina Turner in terms of scrapes, bruises, etc. I'm going to respect his decision not to call the cops, but I do want to let him know his alternatives.

    I know that there are ways around the cops if you report the person to psychiatric services. Any idea on how to do that, or get the person under a conservatorship? Can he call the ER and tell them that someone needs an emergency psych evaluation? Can he call the local mental institutions?

    Please give me some options to give him. I'm not going to get directly involved (like call the cops or get her committed) unless it starts involving me, like if she hit me. It's not fair that she's abusing him, and it's dangerous because there's a kid involved.

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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Is she a threat to herself? Because then, as her husband, he can report that alone and have her admitted for observation.

    If he mentions domestic violence at all, the cops are required, by law, to do something about it.

  3. #3
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Domestic violence is domestic violence, pure and simple. Do the same for him that you would do for a female friend in the same situation. At the very least, remind him that he is being a terrible father and not doing his primary duty, which is to protect his child.

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    I did. I asked him, if hethought that women should have equal rights. He said yes. I asked him if women should have equal responsibility as well. He said yes, but she's going to go wild on the streets and probably end up dead from a heroin binge if he's not there for her. Without lecturing too much, I told him that he was enabling her to abuse him, and that she was going to have to learn on her own. I also told him that his hero complex was very patronizing.

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Quote Originally Posted by DylanAngel View Post
    Is she a threat to herself? Because then, as her husband, he can report that alone and have her admitted for observation.

    If he mentions domestic violence at all, the cops are required, by law, to do something about it.
    Who can he report this to without involving the cops?

  6. #6
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    He's not a hero by encouraging abuse. He's a doormat. Furthermore, he is a horrible father for putting a psychotic, abusive junkie over his CHILD. Tell him that, and be blunt.

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    Domestic violence is domestic violence, pure and simple. Do the same for him that you would do for a female friend in the same situation. At the very least, remind him that he is being a terrible father and not doing his primary duty, which is to protect his child.
    agreed completely.

    how would you handle this if he was a "girl" friend?

    or instead, ask him what he would do if it was you in his situation with an abusive husband smacking you around?

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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Quote Originally Posted by Hatshepsut View Post
    Who can he report this to without involving the cops?
    If she says anything at all about harming herself, he can call an ambulance but, unfortunately the cops will come anyway.

    But, this way, there is no mention of violence towards someone else and there won't be Child Services involved either.

    Are you sure this is the way he wants to go? I'm not judging at all, but, like Yek said, if this was a woman, we'd be encouraging her to call the police.

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    The hero complex is a misnomer. It's when a guy thinks that he can save her, that she needs him, and that he'll do anything to save her. In reality, he's going to get the shit that he shouldn't have to put up with.

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    She's not even a mom, really. He raises the kid while she goes out and does her thing. She wasn't ready for the baby, but her family was too Catholic to encourage adoption or an abortion. She's not really a harm to the baby so far, but you're right, it may only be a matter of time. I think that a big part of her psychotic attitude is jealousy over the baby.

  11. #11
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    He's not a hero by encouraging abuse. He's a doormat. Furthermore, he is a horrible father for putting a psychotic, abusive junkie over his CHILD. Tell him that, and be blunt.
    I agree. The fact that she is a junkie is reason enough to call in Child Services.

    And BTW..you can do that anonomously and he'd never know it was you that called. Just sayin'....

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    She's not a junkie, but she has very few inhibitions. Really, he's scared that she's going to fuck herself up even further. She's a party animal and is basically indulging in what she missed out on as a teen.

    I'm not going to call CPS unless the kid is in danger, and he made me promise not to get involved or call the cops. I told him that his problem was his problem, and that I will respect that. However, if I do hear that the kid starts suffering, then I will butt in.

  13. #13
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    The kid is suffering right now, hello? His father is being continuously battered and his mother can't be arsed with him. That is not an environment conducive to raising a healthy child.

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Quote Originally Posted by Hatshepsut View Post
    He's not a junkie, but he has very few inhibitions. Really, she's scared that he's going to fuck himself up even further. He's a party animal and is basically indulging in what he missed out on as a teen.

    I'm not going to call CPS unless the kid is in danger, and she made me promise not to get involved or call the cops. I told her that her problem was her problem, and that I will respect that. However, if I do hear that the kid starts suffering, then I will butt in.
    would anyone act differently if the post was read this way?

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    ^Really, what it comes down to is his choice. I'm asking for advice to give him. If he's going to be her keeper, he can make the decision. He can kick her out or call the cops anytime. I've told him my perspective, and made it clear that he's enablign her. It's not even like he's dependent on her in any way. He works, pays the bills, takes the kid to daycare, etc.

    The good news is that she's not around much. She's like Britney: parties all the time and leaves the parenting up to others.


    Back to the original question: Can he commit her to psych services?

  16. #16
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Does she ever have blubbering breakdowns where she starts threatening suicide? That's the only discreet way to get her help, if she can be talked to into admitting she want to harm herself.

    I DON'T respect his decision to not call the cops. He is being abused. What if this idiot bitch hurts him so bad he is disabled and then stuck with having to raise his child on his own since she's not stable? Or if she kills him & the child ends up in foster care because he's dead & she's in jail or the nuthouse.

    I'm PMing you about this. Domestic violence goes both ways & it always hurts more than the couple involved...

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Quote Originally Posted by Hatshepsut View Post
    The good news is that she's not around much. She's like Britney: parties all the time and leaves the parenting up to others.


    Back to the original question: Can he commit her to psych services?
    unlikely ime. my 1st wife was this way. abandoned the baby (9-mos.) and me and went off. that's fine but she came back when she ran out of money and her parents turned her away. she wanted custody so she could have "child support".

    but even with that history the first thing out of the judge's mouth was that i had to "catch up" to her on parenting skills.

    she couldn't even change his diaper. she didn't even know how to burp him. i bathed and fed him. i worked and then cared for him at night (i had a nanny for the daytime).

    hey, i know it's nothing unusual or special compared to what most single mothers and even other members here have done, so i'm not saying i deserved anything "extra".

    but i did deserve equality.

    i didn't get it.

    unfortunately and most likely, neither will your friend. so there's not much good news there for him.

    he should start documenting things and be ready to pass 3rd-party psychiatrists and psychologists (i had to). and even then i'm not saying it's a sure thing. but he should still try for the good of the child.

  18. #18
    Kaylinn
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    He can have her committed, for at least a 72 hour hold for evaluation, since she is a threat to others. Or he can press charges, but since he won't do that....
    You can even do it, I think. Just call cops, report her behavior, they can have her committed.
    Maybe, just maybe while she is gone, he will have time to reflect, see how bad his life is and want out.

  19. #19
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Quote Originally Posted by snoopy View Post
    unlikely ime. my 1st wife was this way. abandoned the baby (9-mos.) and me and went off. that's fine but she came back when she ran out of money and her parents turned her away. she wanted custody so she could have "child support".

    but even with that history the first thing out of the judge's mouth was that i had to "catch up" to her on parenting skills.

    she couldn't even change his diaper. she didn't even know how to burp him. i bathed and fed him. i worked and then cared for him at night (i had a nanny for the daytime).

    hey, i know it's nothing unusual or special compared to what most single mothers and even other members here have done, so i'm not saying i deserved anything "extra".

    but i did deserve equality.

    i didn't get it.

    unfortunately and most likely, neither will your friend. so there's not much good news there for him.

    he should start documenting things and be ready to pass 3rd-party psychiatrists and psychologists (i had to). and even then i'm not saying it's a sure thing. but he should still try for the good of the child.
    snoopy I'm sorry you went through this. It's not an uncommon story.....

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Ooookay I just tried to call him with some of these points on his cell, and got an, "I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service." I know that he lives somewhere in Ohio, somehow can't remember where. Dammit, the problem with electronic communication is that you don't have to know where someone lives to communicate.

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    It depends on the laws in your state. In most states she can be committed if she's a danger to herself OR others. If you call your local emergency room they can tell you what the criteria are - but after they get the court order to involuntarily commit her, it will be the cops who come to get her.

    In the meantime, take pictures of his bruises and stuff. Make a notebook and write down every incident you're aware of with the date. It should read like: (date) X called at (time) and said that X, Y, and Z happened. I went to his house at (time) and witnessed A, B, and C bruises. The child was (crying, sleeping, etc.). I took (#) pictures of his bruises and urged him to call the police.



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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    I feel sorry because of the fact that if he ever does decide to call the cops on her he's pretty much screwed. I have seen way too many Cops episodes where the guy will have bloody broken noses, black eyes, etc, you name it, and the wife won't have a scratch on her and the cops basicly laugh in their faces when they tell them their wife is beating them up. It usually ends with the wife accusing the husband out of anger and the husband going away in handcuffs.

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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    He needs to go to her family and ask them to help him help her...someone like her needs psychiatric help. She needs to see someone who can prescribe medication to help her keep her temper under control, and then counseling to deal with the temper tantrums and lack of self-control. There is no shame in this unless she does nothing to help herself. I hope he sticks with her to het her the help she needs.

  24. #24
    AlexxaHex
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    When my drunk ex threatened my life, I called the cops and they ended up bringing him to the psych ward. They asked me what I wanted - to press charges or to put him away for longer. I opted for the latter because it gave me more time to get my stuff out of the house. He was threatening to kill me and himself, so it worked in that situation. But this scenario is different (although it shouldn't be) because your friend is a guy. If the law is involved, it will most likely depend completely on the cops who make the arrest, unfortunately.

    The most important thing is that the kid is okay. I think CPS would step into a case like this, and have every right to remove the child from that household. Even if the violence isn't directed intentionally toward a child, the emotional effects and possible danger to flying objects in a rage would be enough to inspire them to take that crazy bitch away, IMO. You have said that you promised him you wouldn't take action, but people like doctors or psychiatrists could lose their license if they didn't report a thing like this to the authorities. My aunt told me that...and that's something I always think of when I consider whether or not to step into a sticky situation. If I were a health professional, would I lose my license if I didn't report this?

    Anyway it seems like you are trying to reach him and you can't. I hope he and the baby are safe.

    ETA: I just want to give a big kudos to Snoopy for stepping up to the plate. I know it shouldn't be an "extra" when a dad takes care of his kids, but these days it is somewhat rare to see a dad make a true commitment to his children. You deserve as much respect as any single mom.

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    Veteran Member scarletfang's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want to call the cops on her, but she does need to take responsibility

    Quote Originally Posted by AlexxaHex View Post
    people like doctors or psychiatrists could lose their license if they didn't report a thing like this to the authorities. My aunt told me that...and that's something I always think of when I consider whether or not to step into a sticky situation. If I were a health professional, would I lose my license if I didn't report this?
    and that's probably the simplest solution if he doesn't want to call the cops on her - if he's been injured badly enough that he needs medical attention, he can be completely honest with the doctor, which takes the responsibility out of his hands...the cops will probably BE called, but he won't be responsible for it...
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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