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Thread: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    About a year ago, I broke things off with my ex. I swore that I'd be free and date around, having nothing but fun. However, I met L. He is the most amazing person ever, and we have tons of fun. I spend pretty much every weekend at his house, where we geek out over video and have crazy sex, sometimes both at once . Things are wonderfully stable and fun. Neither of us have issues. However, I can't get over the fact that I didn't have time to be single and crazy after my last breakup. This especially flares up when this one guy who I kinda have a crush on calls. I love L, and I don't want to blow my wonderful relationship with him. Some people would say that if I really loved L, then I wouldn't be tempted to date other guys. This has nothing to do with my attraction to him, it has everything to do with the fact that I didn't have a chance to be free.

    I have recurring dreams that pretty much sum up my feelings. In my dreams, I'll be making out with or even fucking another guy. However, the whole time, I'll be thinking of L. I'll miss him, I'll kind of be comparing the guy to L, and I'll feel guilty. I think that even if I did go out with other guys, I'd spend the whole time thinking about L, which would ruin it.

    I'm not the addictive, codependent type, so please don't think that I need a MAY-UNN in my life at all times or that I latch on. I'm also not one to have my cake and eat it too. I would never dream of holding him in reserve just in case things didn't work out with other guys, or tell him that I want to see other people but get crazy jealous if he saw another girl. At first, he wanted space to get over his last relationship, then I wanted space because my ex called and picked some major scabs, but both times, both of us found that we loved each other too much to stay away.

    I also don't want to dicktease any other guys around. I'd just want to have fun with them (not use them, just go out on a few dates and make out in their cars). There's also a couple of guys that I kinda have crushes on, and I know that they have crushes on me, but I have a big feeling that I'll want L over them. Basically, it won't go anywhere, and I don't want to lead them on.

    About 4 months ago, I told L about my dreams and the interpretations. He said that if I ever wanted to see other people, to just be honest. I made it clear to him that I would never keep him in reserve either, and he said that he was keeping himself in reserve. He's not the spineless type, so it's not like he'd desperately make a doormat of himself and stay with me even if I got pregnant with another guy's baby. However, I can't help but wonder what can of worms would be opened, especially in situations like going to his place after a date with another guy.



    I've never really done this "unsteadily dating around" thing. I'm only 22, so the men I've dated have always been young stupid guys who see dating around as slutting around. Any advice on dating around, besides never to have your cake and eat it too?

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    Be honest with yourself and the men in your life. Then follow your gut instincts.
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    You're a guy: how do you feel about being yanked around? How do I avoid yanking men around? Do you think that asking for another break would be yanking him around?

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    Default Re: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    You know, life's a trade-off a lot of times. People unfortunately don't show up on your schedule, but rather randomly.

    As for dating around, as long as you're honest to yourself and honest/considerate of others, that's all you can do. People can always project and hope no matter how honest you are. My general rule has been to cut off people completely once they like me much more than I like them in a dating situation to reduce the amount of drama and projection that gets directed my way. I don't worry about leading people on because I have no issues with being blunt, clear and assertive. If you're not a clear communicator, can't be assertive, and have a hard time saying no- then leading people on can become a more likely possibility.

    Do you think that asking for another break would be yanking him around?
    I don't think anyone here knows him enough to answer that question. People have different tolerances. Has he been in similar situations before? A "break" can cause strain in a relationship, and depending on the situation, cause an implosion down the line if the relationship continues, or be a long-term issue down the line. I think at this point, it's less about yanking him around, and more whether
    1- you will or won't regret the relationship ending down the line as a result of this "break."
    Do you think a possible break-up or serious strains that may need work-through with your boyfriend would be worth having some more time as an unattached woman? Also, there ARE downsides to dating around. Are the downsides that come with dating around worth straining the current relationship? Generally speaking, people tend to regret their decisions when the downsides are not worth the risk of disrupting the current situation.

    IMHO, it's completely normal to be physically attracted and curious about other people when you're in a relationship. I don't stop enjoying fantasies or eye candy just because I have a man. I'm really a stickler for appropriate boundaries to be agreed upon both parties that we can comfortably live with, and it's my right to enjoy myself within the boundaries in the ways that I see fit, and vice-versa.

    What I'm saying is that it's perfectly normal IMHO to find other people attractive and tempting during a relationship- whether you're experienced or not, you're in a new relationship or an established one. I don't think that's a sign of trouble. I think it's often a sign that you're a human being.

    A good relationship for myself is someone that I can work with through the bad times. It's real easy to have good times with someone when you're both on your best behavior. It's not so easy to find someone you can tolerate when they're in their worst state, and vice-versa.

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    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    This is just a post stating an argument so that this thread will turn into a flame war because Hatshepsut is cursed.

    Yoooou whooooar! You has a man, a lowly stripper should be puttin' her clothes back on and feeding him while pregnant with his 4th child! HOW DARE YOU!


    In all honesty, I'm in the same situation and have no advice.


    Look like a woman
    Think like a man
    Act like a lady
    Work like a dog

    - My Great Grandmother Bessie's Recipe for Success

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    ^You're getting married, so you're 100X as fucked. Sorry.

    Ooohhhh, I have an idea! Let's split ourselves into different linearities of time with psychic connections. That way, we can go so many different routes and try everything, but we'll know about all the other possibilities, so we won't miss out on anything!

  7. #7
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    Well IMO if you have something good and your happy, then stick to it. At age 22 there is plenty of time left to see all sorts of different people. Are you really expecting to stay with this guy for the rest of your life? I know its possible, but the odds are not particularly favorable. Enjoy it whilst it lasts. If it doesnt then youre free to play around later on and if it does then youre lucky and maybe having not had a huge single experience is a smallprice to pay for having a great relationship?

    I think your dreams sound like your subconcious telling you to stick with things as they are.
    If your guy is totally cool with you seeing other people though then I dont really see what the problem is.

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    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    Quote Originally Posted by Hatshepsut View Post
    ^You're getting married, so you're 100X as fucked. Sorry.

    Ooohhhh, I have an idea! Let's split ourselves into different linearities of time with psychic connections. That way, we can go so many different routes and try everything, but we'll know about all the other possibilities, so we won't miss out on anything!
    Well fuck you too!! *laugh*

    Who says I'm getting married? I keep putting off the date. I pushed it back to February already. August was already a pushback, too. I'm shooting for July 2008, now.


    Look like a woman
    Think like a man
    Act like a lady
    Work like a dog

    - My Great Grandmother Bessie's Recipe for Success

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    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want to date around, but I'm in love!

    I'd rather someone be honest with me. Don't lie to me to avoid hurting my feelings, you'll only make it worse.

    Other than that I always say do what makes you happy, if the other people in your life can't handle it then they won't be in your life.
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

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