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Thread: I am the black sheep

  1. #1
    God/dess LuckyOne's Avatar
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    Default I am the black sheep

    It breaks my heart that my family punishes me for everything I do (ie dancing, moving away.)


    I have a few belongings sitting in the basement at their house. My stuff takes up about 15 square feet of space in the 100+ square foot basement, and every time I return for a holiday or visit, she asks what she can throw away and nags me to move it out. She even offered pack up my stuff and ship it as my birthday gift.

    When I moved away from home, my mother painted my bedroom a different color, moved all of her old clothes into the closet, and started calling it the "beige" room instead of "Lucky's" bedroom. (My brother's room is intact and he is older.)

    Last time the whole family (plus my brother's girlfriend) was together we went out to dinner and other events, and every time the host asked how many my mother answered 4. (Herself, my father, my brother and his girlfriend.) I'm the one that doesn't count.

    And here's the kicker- when I first tried to leave my very abusive ex-boyfriend, he lied to her and manipulated her to take his side and tried to force me to stay with him. She finally learned that I was telling the truth when he started stalking me and everything became apparent. I had to lean on them a lot during that time, and now she mentions it frequently like she's still angry at me about it. (Its not like I PLANNED to be a hassle to them... I know I made the mistake of dating him- but don't you think I suffered enough already??? I learned my lesson.)

    I try to be understanding and forgive them- because family is family no matter what...

    But sometimes I hate them for hating me. Life's just not fair is it? I guess I haven't accepted that yet...

  2. #2
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Wow, that's just wrong in my opinion. Your mother unfortunately sounds very immature....

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    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    She's pretty emotionally abusive. You're not being unreasonable.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Featured Member yogibear179's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    ^ i agree....


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    God/dess LuckyOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Wow... I just figured I was a disappointment to them- it never occurred to me that it was abuse. Its weird to hear outside opinions when you're used to figuring its your own darn fault for making stupid choices.

  6. #6
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    it is abuse. maybe mommy dearest deserves some well overdue taste of her own medicine, but in a mature way. Maybe try quietly cutting her off from your life slowly until she realizes what she has done to you, and let her come to you.

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    Featured Member needtodance's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    This sounds a bit like my family! Keep your distance-even if it hurts when she does those things that push you out of the picture, just remember its better than being IN the picture, and dealing with her 24-7 then!

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    God/dess Lena's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    ^ Exactly.



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    God/dess virgoamm's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Quote Originally Posted by CorsicaFire View Post
    it is abuse. maybe mommy dearest deserves some well overdue taste of her own medicine, but in a mature way. Maybe try quietly cutting her off from your life slowly until she realizes what she has done to you, and let her come to you.
    That's great advice. I could only imagine how alienating that must feel. To go out to dinner and pay for everyone except you? And taking an abusive boyfriend's (or any boyfriend's for that matter) side against you AND then to add salt to the wound simply because you leaned on them for support?

    It sounds like your Mom is very emotionally abusive and a toxic figure in your life. Try as hard as you can to emotionally separate yourself from the situation until (if ever) she comes to her senses.


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    Featured Member redhothoney's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Sometimes parrents forget that they NEVER stop being parents no matter how old you get... & If you have kids I know you understand what i'm talking about.
    REDHOTHONEY

    Quote Originally Posted by MichelleJade View Post
    In my opinion, there are no normal strippers though... it's like a bag of jelly beans, they're all made of sugar but come in all different colors and flavors. (I think I'd be the root beer kind... mmmmm.)

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    Featured Member redhothoney's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    BTW my old bedroom got turned into a "computer room" and it got painted blue. It makes you feel unwanted for some reason.
    REDHOTHONEY

    Quote Originally Posted by MichelleJade View Post
    In my opinion, there are no normal strippers though... it's like a bag of jelly beans, they're all made of sugar but come in all different colors and flavors. (I think I'd be the root beer kind... mmmmm.)

  12. #12
    Veteran Member CupCake's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Lucky I'm sorry to hear about your situation, none of those things are your fault. Just because family is family doesn't mean that they should be allowed to project that kind of abuse on you. I would let your mom know how you feel, no sugar coating, just lay it on her. If she still refuses to acknowledge your feelings and apoligize then you truely don't need that in your life. I have cut my mom out of my life for the time being until my parents divorce is over and I can sit down and tell her how I feel. I thought the things my mom did were normal as well until I started talking to my therapist, and friends saw how she went from mrs. jeckel to mrs. hide...Just because family is family doesn't mean they are allowed to treat you any which way they please. Don't let her get you down maybe she has some issues with herself that she needs to confront.

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    God/dess LuckyOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    My mom is one of those people that is perfectly happy when everyone else is miserable. My dad has worked hard for many years and he has read every book he can find about retirement. Even though they could afford it, my mom won't let him retire (and he contributes a lot more to the family than her.) He does most of the housework. She is constantly trying to run my brother's life and he's 27. I don't want to abandon the whole family just because I don't get along with her... sometimes I'm the only one who stands up to her. My poor dad is so sick of arguing with her, he just takes it. He even sides with her against me- but I know its because he has no choice. I appreciate the advice though... It just seems so unfair!

  14. #14
    Veteran Member Sultry Siren's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Lucky you are not the only one going through shit like that...

    My mom and with her dad not only disowned and disinherited me but mom spread all manner of lies about me and my Common Law husband.

    She just decided she hated him without a meeting and the battle was on!

    She started telling me how he was going to put me in a coffin then come after her, that if I had any children with "THAT MAN" they would NEVER be grandchildren of hers...She said I had to choose her or him and if him then I was out of the family and she had already been to their lawyers to have me written out of the will....

    Since then I have been told that I am accused of drug use (illegal), being beaten every day and kept from my family by my husband, I am living in sin which pretty much equals whore in her mind. Prostitution has also been rumored. I am also a heartless bitch of a daughter...and on and on and on and on it goes.....

    Apperantly her and dad have been seeking counsel and have been advised to take legal action against us to gain rights to our son (not sure if visitation only or more).

    She and perhaps dad (?) have managed to turn almost all of my family against me so that even extended family act bizzare around both me and my husband.

    We (Hubby and I) have tried to arrange a face to face dialog with them but it just isn't going to happen by the looks of things.

    This has been going on since just prior to 9/11.

    I have maintained my distance but been pleasant when I have run into them. It is for the best.

    The last thing my dad said to me was that he wanted to be a grandfather and he wanted to get things settled and then he said something about me punishing both him and mom by not allowing them to be grandparents.

    All we have asked of them is just an apology for how they have treated me...nothing more. Guess BEING RIGHT is more important than MAKING IT RIGHT.

    There is so much that has happened that has destroyed me since my mom issued the ultimatum...to which I never gave her an answer...just went on living my life.

    Since all this hell has broken loose in my life though I had to confront that I grew up abused and it wasn't just a random event!!

    Honestly my life has been 7 degrees of hell until I met my hubby who has helped bring healing and help me confront that I was abused. That was a horrific thing to finally admit!!!

    The family that is talking to me and alright with me I allow in...the ones who act freakish and the ones who refuse to acknowledge me, I avoid if possible but still act civil to if we meet.

    I think the same might be in order for you...if for no other reason than to preserve your sanity!

    Mom lost control over me and my life but I gained it for me...that lead me to places like here and me finding out who I am not what I am told I am.

    I hope this post helps....at least you know you are not alone...I have an understanding of what you are dealing with even if I don't know what you are going through.
    Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
    Hebrew Talmud


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    God/dess LuckyOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Wow... it really scares me not to have the support of my family , but maybe the bright side is it will bring me closer to my bf and my friends... thank you!

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    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Always remember you have to open your hands up and let go of the nothing to receive all that life has to offer. Once you face the fact that you are vulnerable it will give you the courage to move ahead to building a support system. You have to replace them or you will be left vulnerable by the emotional and financial ups and downs of life.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckyOne View Post
    Last time the whole family (plus my brother's girlfriend) was together we went out to dinner and other events, and every time the host asked how many my mother answered 4. (Herself, my father, my brother and his girlfriend.) I'm the one that doesn't count.
    [...]
    I try to be understanding and forgive them- because family is family no matter what...
    the first part is plain effed up. how can someone call themselves your parent when they do something like that? you want to act childish and stupid? fine. get treated that way. ignore them (her) like someone mentioned, remove yourself from being the abuse-target for your mom.

    as for the second part, i disagree with you. family is family to a point.

    when they mistreat you, they're not family. they're abusive family. (again, basically like the others noted) just because they're family does NOT give them the right to abuse you/treat you like you're nothing or worst. nobody deserves that.

    i'm also feel for siren. that's also no way to be treated. i've seen my share of psycho moms and those two are textbook.

    i disagree with someone's comment about "parents always being parents". not that it's not true but that they need to be reminded. the problem is more that they don't trust their children to make decisions, or their children might be right and they themselves might be wrong. imo, they really hate to lose that authority over their kids and react very badly. just parental pride and arrogance imho. good luck!

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    God/dess Paris's Avatar
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckyOne View Post
    My mom is one of those people that is perfectly happy when everyone else is miserable. My dad has worked hard for many years and he has read every book he can find about retirement. Even though they could afford it, my mom won't let him retire (and he contributes a lot more to the family than her.) He does most of the housework. She is constantly trying to run my brother's life and he's 27. I don't want to abandon the whole family just because I don't get along with her... sometimes I'm the only one who stands up to her. My poor dad is so sick of arguing with her, he just takes it. He even sides with her against me- but I know its because he has no choice. I appreciate the advice though... It just seems so unfair!
    Has your mother been assessed for mental illness? How old is she? I have a friend whose mother is showing signs of Alzheimer's disease, and her mom is only 52. The pattern you have describes sounds like her mom when she was a bit younger.

    If that isn't the case, then you just need to remove yourself from the situation. I felt so much better after I left my parents behind in favor of my own life. I would call on occasion, but usually only 4 times a year, or so.

    My case may have been a bit different, I was locked out of the family home at the age of 17 with my belongings left in the yard. As if I was some horrible tenant that had been evicted. That was the last time that happened, but not the first time it happened. I just refused to go back after that.

    I've since created my own family. I have close friends that I consider "sisters" and their kids call me "Aunt". I've known these people for at least 15 years, and it is wonderful to develop your own family, even if you don't have the same genes.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


  19. #19
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Why would you want that in your life? YOU are the one subjecting yourself to this treatment, not her. You're a grown woman and you're the one who continues to hang around her while she treats you this way. If you don't want to accept this anymore, then stop hanging around her.

  20. #20
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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    Im the black sheep in my family, i love being different.

    Best of luck to you.

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    Default Re: I am the black sheep

    I hate to say it but she is always going to be an asshole to you so I would just avoid her you have other family that you can enjoy don't you ? You wouldnt put up with this from friends so don't put up with it from family or anyone . I hope it gets better for you take control of your situation .

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