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Thread: how to get privacy w/o hurt feelings?

  1. #1
    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default how to get privacy w/o hurt feelings?

    Some of you may or may not know that I live with my grandmother. I love her to death and she means a lot to me. I also live in a small town. My grandma raised me and I use to not mind her knowing all my business because there wasn't really that much to know when I was a teenager and I really didn't care then. But now since I am older I don't care to discuss things as much as I use to because I like some privacy and I like to "claim" my life as my own. My family discusses a lot of their "business" to one another and if tell someone one thing than you mind as well get on the news and annouce it because they don't have much to do but discuss everyone else's life. Some people in my family will show concern not because they really give a rat's ass but they want something to talk about. I don't really talk much anymore and I have become quite silent. I like to listen but what I hear usually goes through one ear and out the other. I just don't really give a shit what Betsy Mae was doing in her yard yesterday.

    Examples of feeling like my private life is being invaded

    "Why'd you lock your door"?
    "I wasn't trying to read your mail but I noticed ____, who is that"?
    "Why don't you want to talk to _____ on the phone"?
    "Why don't you talk to me anymore"?
    "Did you get your period yet"?
    "You need to put on some weight", everyone in the family is obese
    "Why are you so cold all the time"?
    "Why can't you just get a job around here like I did"?

    The problem is she doesn't have a lot going on anymore and she wants me to share my life with her, I don't mind sharing certain things but I have to have some things for myself. I tryed explain this but she got really defensive. Can anyone relate to me or give me advice?

  2. #2
    Featured Member needtodance's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to get privacy w/o hurt feelings?

    My family is like this as well. I had to move to the complete other end of the country to escape it, and now i STILL get it over email and instant message!

    best advice I can give is to set your boundaries, stick to them(IE not answering her the second time she asks "why aren't you talking to >>>>>" or "who is this person sending you letters" and choose which tidbits you want to share. If you can pick even a few smaller things to share, it can still make your grandmother feel that she IS being included in your life, even if you are trying to keep the rest private. not to mention it'll make things easier down teh line when you don't have a bunch of lies in the way.

    I used to barely talk about my life except to lie-boyfriends were only friends, I'd make up friends so that my parents would THINK I had a social life... I had three abusive relationships, and two stalkers, adn my family knows NONE of it.... And yeah, I DID get awkward questions when I had to put my foot down adn say "if you pick up the phone and its Brandon, DON'T pass the phone to me, we're not talking." And STILL kept lying.

    Now, even if i WANTED my mom to understand what I've gone through, I would have so many lies in the way that my scary experiences would pale to HER hurt feelings at not being included. Its not remotely worth the trouble.

    So don't paint yourself into a corner like that. They MAY gossip, but they're also a support group you want ot have around should you need to utilize it. Just lay down your boundaries, stick to them, and choose which things you're going to butt heads over not telling...

    Anyways...I'm here if you want to rant...

  3. #3
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: how to get privacy w/o hurt feelings?

    Oh boy, do I know the invasive family. It took them 10 years of my adulthood to get the point, but I finally have a bit of privacy now (of course, I had to move to the other side of the planet and then to the other side of the country, but still).

    "Why'd you lock your door"?
    Because I wanted some privacy.

    "I wasn't trying to read your mail but I noticed ____, who is that"?
    A friend.

    "Why don't you want to talk to _____ on the phone"?
    Just not in the mood right now. Don't worry, I'll call back later.

    "Why don't you talk to me anymore"?
    I do talk to you, I'm just very tired from work and don't have energy for gossip.

    "Did you get your period yet"?
    (blank stare) Why do you ask? -or-
    Why, did you?

    "You need to put on some weight", everyone in the family is obese
    Thanks, but I feel best at this weight, and you know I really can't afford a new wardrobe right now.

    "Why are you so cold all the time"?
    It's just the way I'm built.

    "Why can't you just get a job around here like I did"
    Because I enjoy travel.

    If you're just blunt and succint - remember to keep it very short and noncommittal - she will eventually get bored with pestering you. If she presses, just keep repeating the same succint response. It's none of her damn business when you got your period.

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    Featured Member snoopy's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to get privacy w/o hurt feelings?

    maybe you can change the subject when she asks you intrusive questions. just slide the attention towards something innocuous. get her talking about something she's interested in and give her your rapt attention for a few minutes. sounds like she just wants someone to talk with. (get her a pet?)

    you'll likely have to sacrifice some of your time listening to what betsy mae did in her backyard that particular day but at least your grandma's feelings won't get hurt and your private life stays private.

    otoh, if she's insistent/persistent on your info/private life, then you'll have to be firm like yek/need noted and say it makes you uncomfortable to talk about "such and such".

    or you can claim it's gross or not what's acceptable nowadays (whatever the question is). make it up as you go! hth

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    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to get privacy w/o hurt feelings?

    We do have pets. I should get better at changing the subject or asking her questions so she'll talk about herself. That's a good idea. But she expects me share a certain portion. When I was in a relationship before she demanded I explain things to her because she is my grandma and she lives here and it's her business. I just told her it's personal. I really had to stick to that too because she'd ask me about 50 times in twenty different ways. I am glad she cares about me and I try to be grateful for her, I just want my life to be my own life.

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    Featured Member Paintbaby's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to get privacy w/o hurt feelings?

    Oh, can I relate. Seems that Gemini gals are very strict about their privacy! My dad is over at my house constantly, doing yardwork, working on other projects around the place---and sometimes it drives me nuts. He is retired now, and obviously a bit bored, and sees my place as a way to keep himself busy and to make things nice for me at the same time. He doesn't understand the whole privacy thing, because we are, as he puts it, family! I suspect your grandma has the same outlook---I think it comes from being part of a generation where the nuclear family was just closer. They don't really understand that grown women might like to have their privacy.

    I've learned to cope with just keeping my personal business private---even if he asks, I don't tell the truth about everything. Little white lies that preserve my sense of privacy aren't a bad thing, because if I tell him outright to respect my privacy, it hurts his feelings. So, when changing the subject doesn't work, fib! Your grandma isn't going to change, and you are entitled to keep secrets and private information to yourself.

  7. #7
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: how to get privacy w/o hurt feelings?

    Oh, BTW, "I dunno" also works well. Just a casual, dismissive "I dunno" can silence a gossip.

    "Why didn't you want to talk to that guy?"
    "I dunno."

    "How come you're always cold?"
    "I dunno."

    "You need to put on some weight."
    "I dunno."

    I mean, what's she going to say to that? By refusing to engage her in gossip, you kill it.

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