I just found out today that my Dad has cancer. He has been in the hospital since last week and they thought it was gallstones but when they went in to operate on him yesterday they found a mass and they think it's liver cancer. They did a biopsy today and the test results will be in tomorrow and we will know if it has spread through out his whole body or not.
If it spread then he will only have a few months left if not maybe 3 years.
I'm an emotional mess right now. I can't stop crying. I'm sick to my stomach.I'm feeling so many emotions and so many regrets for not spending more time with him. We just recently started talking more and getting closer, so this came as such a horrible shock to me. I'm going to be going to St.Louis next week to see him. I just can't even describe the pain I feel right now. I really want to be with him right now. He was in a lot of pain so he's on a large dose of morphine. When I talked to him a few hours ago he was very out of it. He was saying somethings that didn't make since but he told me how much he loved me and that I am his little baby. my god just typing that is making me cry.
There is no pain like this. knowing that one of your parents is going to die. Knowing that I am going to have to watch him die and that we will never be able to do so many of the things I wanted us to do together in this life. I don't think I'll be able to get through this...I've lost so much these past few years and I'm so worn out emotionally. I just wish I had spent more time with him before. I am sick with sadness and regret and shame right now. I wish I had been a better daughter.
This just hurt's so bad. It feel's like the pain will kill me. I don't want to go through the rest of my life without my dad. I can't stop crying. Just knowing he won't be here with me.... I don't know what to do. I don't even feel the will to be alive anymore.I just can't watch him die.....I can't. Why can't it be me instead? Everyone I love dies or leaves me.
I find out the results for sure tomorrow and I'm terrified. I have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I'm so scared. I would give him my liver in a second if I could. I really hope he know's how much I love him. I wish I had known that he always loved me...now it's too late. My mom always said he didn't want to see me and would always make comments about how he didn't do things with me like most dad's did for thier children and so I grew up thinking he didn't really love me when really it was my mom poisioning my mind against him becuase SHE felt resentment and anger towards him. My therapist helped me realize this and my Dad and I had been talking at least a few times a week these past 2 months. As my therapist said today the timing couldn't be more tragic. I just wish more than anything that I could go back in time and not pushed him away for so many years. I will never forgive my self for that. Him and my mom are the only family I have left and I feel so alone.
Sorry for rambling but im just a mess.



I believe you Dottie and you have my support 
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