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Thread: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

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    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    Ok so I know this is kind of off the beaten path but...
    have any of you girls ever become friends with "the EX?"
    My guy dated his ex-gf for three years before she cheated on him. Then they saw one another on and off for two more years. He had a difficult time getting over her and I actually met him in the throes of it. He and I got together in 2004, while he was still in the process of getting over her.
    Bit of backgroundf info: my guy is unbelievable honest, sensitive, laid back, kind of a hippie. He let me in on lots of details about their relationship and as a result, I developed sort of a complex about *Brittany* (*name changed ). For some time, I felt like despite what he said, I didn't compare to her in his mind, I practically stalked her myspace, and she came up often in arguments..
    Flash forward to 2007. Our relationship has come a long way. He's long over his ex, and we moved across the country together, and we've been doing well here. Strangely enough, I myspaced his ex in a moment of braveness, and she wrote me this long letter, and just seemed..totally cool. We began going back and forth with the messages and I realized that she is a lot like me, and we're total dorks..and we have had a lot of laughs in our correspondences. She's 33 and from austin, tx and has a great sense of humor, and we have a ton of shit in common. It's like we've been friends in another lifetime or something. Then she visits L.A. this week to see her bf who lives here, and before she left home, she asked me if I would care to meet up for a lil drink. Hmmmm...
    She was the one who left my guy. She has no interest in him whatsoever, has a new bf, and does not even care to date men of my bf's race anymore, so that's not an issue. On the converse, he is totally ambiguous about us meeting. He thinks it's cool that we can be friends but that's about it.
    On the other hand, she seems so completely cool and down to earth. A piece of me really wants to meet her simply for the reason that #1, she seems cool and #2 meeting my guy's ex is the biggest challenge I could ever face, in my opinion. I promised myself that part of my california experience would be about personal growth; to embrace the unfamiliar, accept change and face new challenges. To me, meeting up with my guy's ex gf, who I once had so many issues with, would be a great personal accomplishment. So the majority of me is totally dying to do this.
    (And I got a fucking AMAZING outfit this past week that would be soooo perfect for the occasion, making me appear like the totally fashionable, put-together current gf )
    So we talked for the first time tonight...I was sooooo nervous. Since she's about 5 years older than me, I have the feeling she's a lot more confident and sure of herself than me...so my question is:
    If I get my balls back and we do proceed with this and meet up for a drink this week, how do I keep myself from being this nervous? I want to be cool, calm and collected too! Just every once in awhile the though that "she IS his ex of 5 years" comes creeping into my mind and I feel shaky and intimidated...
    Calm, confident ladies, lol.. how do i NOT be nervous and intimidated? How do I be the me that I've been in emails all this time?
    (Man, thank God we're going to get drinks..lol)

  2. #2
    Kaylinn
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    hmm...

    Ask your boyfriend for a story about a time she looked like a complete dork, made an ass out of herself, or did somehting embarassing.

    When you get nervous, just think of that story and laugh to yourself.
    ( kinda like picturing someone in their underwear thing)

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    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    ^^omg I love this
    ooh, I know one ...and it's nasssssty

    I feel kinda mean now..

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    Oh fuck--I had a relationship which was ruined by the fact that I was stupid enough to tell her about a girl with whom I had the mutual hots, and had a fling with, before we ever met. Before we got serious, but it didn't matter.

    Lesson learned, never talk about past flings, even if it's a funny story and they have the same stage name, and it's yet another bizarre coincidence you share with this woman.

    It was a goddamned shame, as the one I was serious about was worth at least 300 of the fling girl, who was dumb as a box of rocks.

    But she never got over the girl, and one night she gave me shit about sleeping casually with a young dancer hanging out with me in the booth, and I snapped and said some stupid (but true) things. It was all downhill from there.

    Don't waste your time being intimidated. She's human, just like you, trust me. Go have fun with her, instead...
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  5. #5
    mermaidnz
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    its weird.

    but my friends two ex's have just started fully hanging out, like doing wine and dvd girly nights at eachothers houses- they used to wanna stab eachother!!! its cute tho, i mean, since the guy is dead, neither of them have anything to worry about.

    give it a go, just be wary

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    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    That really sucks Djoser..that and the fact that I can relate to the preoccupation of the other girl. I am hoping that this will get me "over it," and I will completely take her off the pedestal in my mind.
    Worst case scenario though, I think I'm looking great (everyone tells me she's got nothing on me) and she shows up looking drop-dead-gorgeous and I end up worse off from where I've started. That's why I'm fixated on not coming off like a complete socially inept turd.
    ugh...I have such social anxiety. If I can do this and somehow let my real personality shine through, I'll be so fucking proud of myself.
    I was pretty calm and witty on the phone with her tonight...however she called just after I had a giant tequilla sunrise though
    Mermaidz, I will keep my guard up, although I'll fight like hell not to let her know. Although I can't forget the fact that just three hours ago we were laughing about the fact that we're just two girls who really get along well, despite the fact that we both were with the same guy.

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    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaylinn View Post
    hmm...

    Ask your boyfriend for a story about a time she looked like a complete dork, made an ass out of herself, or did somehting embarassing.

    When you get nervous, just think of that story and laugh to yourself.
    ( kinda like picturing someone in their underwear thing)
    Michael keeps telling me of the time he first got a blowjob from his ex and she used her teeth. If that wasn't bad enough, her new boyfriend told her he loved her after his first blowjob with her. And it just keeps getting funnier and in the end, it makes it all worth it.

    But no... I love her. I mean, really I do.


    .... hahaha.

    In the end, she's a sweet sweet girl.. and the blowjob thing just makes me feel all kinds of secure.


    Look like a woman
    Think like a man
    Act like a lady
    Work like a dog

    - My Great Grandmother Bessie's Recipe for Success

  8. #8
    Glamazon
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    Boyfriend tells me all kinds of things about his exes...um, I don't really want to post them here, because they're sex related (way TMI), but, yeah, I definitely feel superior.

    Personally, you're a much bigger person than I am to want to meet/strike up a friendship with your man's ex. Boyfriend is actually friends with a couple of his exes, but there's two of them that I don't ever care to even acknowledge due to the fact that they have tried to meddle in our relationship...I'm sure they're cool gals otherwise, though.

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    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    Thanks for the credit, Glamazon. I have a lot of friends wondering "why would you want to do this?" I try to explain that for me, it's the biggest challenge there is. She's a really cool person so hopefully that will help to make this flow more easily. we shall see..

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    Featured Member needtodance's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    Where would you say your intentions are in meeting her? Is it to lend closure to what he's told you of their relationship? Or is it to totally kick her ass about it "i fucked up so bad cheating on him-his new girls is PERFECT and i just want him back even though i have a new guy!"?

    Just remember..... HE IS COMPLETELY OVER HER. Regardless of whether she shows up looking like Aphrodite herself, he's not WITH her. She made a mistake, has paid for it, and is no longer the part of his life that she once was, or that you imagine her as.

    Side thought though, its nice that you can be friends, and that meeting her may provide a little bit of closure for the insecurities... And yeah, picking out the embarassing story and keeping it in your head is a good technique... But just try to have fun.... Who has too many friends? no reason to chase her away because you're trying hard to outdo her, make it CLEAR he's taken a step up...


    I'm sort of operating on the assumption that its more of the first train of thought... the second one doesn't bode well for EITHER of you, as it invites competition and meddling...

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    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    awesome feedback, needtodance.
    My intentions as to meeting her is to hopefully get over "issues/insecurities" I struggled with for so long. Also, to make a friend. Lastly, and I hate admitting this but what you said about "taking a step up." I do want her to see that/feel that, though I feel guilty acknowledging there is a peice of me that is like that toward her just because she is so nice. Also, I do not want there to be that competition feeling. I just want to walk away from this with a friend and feeling like a better, stronger, more confident person.... and also for her to see I'm pretty damned fabulous..lol kidding (kinda..)

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    Veteran Member Cyndi08's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    do it. I was in this position and I was the "ex gf" and she had argued with him (I was his first love), didn't like me, etc...

    Then, when we met up we were actually great together. She stayed the night at my house, in my bed... LOL. We smoked, watched movies. It was awesome.

    I say go for it!

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    Featured Member red red red's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    Hmmm... I actually had two of my exes become man-friends after I was done with both of them. I walked into a bar one night and found them throwing back shots together and high fiving and basically male-bonding the shit out of each other. They later became roommates. I thought it was super-weird and I was a bit uncomfortable with it at first. Then I got over myself and realized that they had a lot more in common than just me, and it made perfect sense for them to be friends.

    I do think that when you meet up with this girl, you should look at it as more of a making-new-friends thing and less of a stare-down-the-former-enemy thing. You should also probably avoid discussing the guy as much as possible... she has nothing at stake anymore as far as the guy is concerned, but you do. Even hearing some of her old stories about him could end up hurting you/changing how you feel about him, even if it's just a little bit and you know deep down that it doesn't matter.
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    Featured Member needtodance's Avatar
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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    Kaiyla, so long as you recognize that part and are aware, its easier to counter it before it becomes something that could hurt your relationship... instead of thinking "we're going to be such good friends" and then acting in a malicious way that causes her to take more of an interest in your relationship... And I'm with Red... stay away from talking about your boyfriend...

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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    i think facing challenges is about moving FORWARD not backwards. that includes exs. i would never bother myself with such drama. i dont care how cool she seems, i think it's emotionally masochistic. and i've always been an advocate of a clean break, no contact whatsoever. this girl hurt your bf a lot. and your bf should have sought therapy or a close friend or family member who knew him during their relationship. you dont go to a baker to get your hair done. i can honestly tell by your op that your are feeling a bit awkward and insecure. why make that feeling worse? do things to make YOU feel good- and stop caring if you impress others.

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    Default Re: Going on a Date with His Ex (long)

    I wouldn't bother either. Exes are a thing of the past and I'm all about looking towards the future. The can of worms thing is a really good point too. What if she spills some personal details of their relationship that make you more insecure??

    You do what you gotta do tho. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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