for the last few weeks i've been struggling at work. my averages are way down (like almost half of what they've been for the last 6 months) and i find it hard to make myself actually work. i don't want to approach anyone unless they show really obvious interest in me. i get discouraged easily. i've lost my ability to engage in playful conversation and i find that the customers' bullshit agitates much more easily than it ever has before.
it has been slow at work lately, but there have been slow times in the past and i've always been able to seek out the few spenders and end up doing well anyway. i feel like my radar is broken.
the thing is that my dog has been sick for almost a month and the vets finally diagnosed her with renal carcinoma last week. it's pretty much untreatable and the vets couldn't give me a time frame as to how much longer she will be comfortable enough to justify keeping her alive.
in the past i've been pretty good at pushing the bad stuff in my real life out of my head when i get to work and performing well anyway. sometimes i even do better because i'm glad to have a sort of break from my real life problems.
but in this case i just can't seem to do it. i worry about her the whole time i am at work and wonder whether she will still be ok or even alive when i get home. i have people checking on her for me, but i still can't stop worrying. i end up in tears at some point almost every single night i work. it's terrible. but she's such a wonderful dog and we've been through so much together. she's been one of the very few consistantly good things in my life over the last five years. i feel overhwhelmed by the prospect of dealing with her death and coming home to find she's not there.
and the worst part is that i spent so much money trying to first stablize her when she became ill and then trying to get a diagnisis that i can't take a break. i had a good amount of money saved, but the vet bills were huge and now i'm, well i'm not quite struggling, but i no longer feel at all comfortable about my financial situation. so i'm feeling a lot of pressure to make money and it's just not happening.
i just don't know what to do...




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