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Thread: Dear Valued Customer..

  1. #1
    Callyish
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    Default Dear Valued Customer..

    Now I realize it gets exciting when you have a naked girl on your lap... and I know you just forget how to control yourself... but I just have a few requests..

    The first one is PLEASE realize that my breasts are attached to my body. As much as I would like to be able to remove them and hand them over to you to play with it just won't happen. So please stop trying to rip them off my chest... they won't be going anywhere and honestly it is rather painful. I mean I could grab a hold of your nuts and pull for all im worth.... but im sure that would be rather unpleasant for you. Well the same goes for yanking my tits...

    The second one is PLEASE stop trying to shove me onto your crotch. It is rather annoying when you grab my shoulders and push me down. No I do not want to feel your penis and no I do not want to ride it through your jeans. Its irritating and honestly it grosses me out. I will grind on you but I will not dry hump your pitiful cock.

    The third request... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP LICKING ME!! I am not a plant. I do not need to be watered. Licking me grosses me out and makes my skin crawl. Besides do you really enjoy the taste of all my lotions and all the other men who have licked me earlier in the night? It does not turn me on... im sorry but it just doesn't.

    Last but not least... why do you insist on yelling random shit at me? Do you really thinking yelling "I WANT TO LICK YOUR ASS!!" is going to turn me on? Do you really thinking holding your nut sack screaming 'you know you want this baby!' is going to get me hot and bothered? Seriously think before you speak. I know its asking a lot but I would really appreciate it if you would just think.

    Thank you for your time and for reading this.

    Signed ...

    Every single dancer in the universe.

  2. #2
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Awesome!! Can I add onto it?

  3. #3
    Callyish
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Feel free

  4. #4
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Add my signature to that.

  5. #5
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Please know that, as happy as I am for you that you have a BIG important high paying job, a huge house and 17 ferraris...unless you are giving them to me...I'll get bored hearing about them rather quickly. And if you arent giving me gobs of money to back your story up...I wont believe you.

    I'm sure you are very proud of your pussy licking skills. Since you will neveri n a million years get your tongue near mine I do not need to hear about it. Really. especially if you are old and fat. It gives me a mental image that, frankly, makes me want to lose my lunch.

    While I certainly know that I am fabulous, gorgeous and fun and you woudl love to take me out....not going to happen. If I dont say yes the first time you ask....dont continue to ask. It will just put you in the PL category and I will go home and cry for you.

  6. #6
    God/dess Jenny's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Oh, actually I WILL hump your cock, pitiful or no. But must I do it in a way that effectively grates my tender flesh? Does it have to be painful for me to be good for you? You jerk off too much! Use lubricant and a looser grip! (They should teach you that in gym class. In the seminar on "how to get the most out of your stripper")
    I have taught that the sky in all its zones is mortal and its substance was formed by a process of birth

  7. #7
    God/dess Chrissy68's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    p.s.
    if you are going to cum in your pants from a lap dance, please don't tell me so. in fact, please refrain from doing so as it's the grossest thing and puts you as far into the PL category as possible. go get laid, fucko.

    please, dont bite me or scratch me. i didn't give you permission to do so and i don't appreciate it. nor will my bf/gf/hubby when they see it. in fact, it will also deter other customers from getting dances with me. this is an automatic $100 tip on top of your dance cost.

    don't ask me what i am going to do for your dollar, or for your dance. for a dollar i will walk away and for your dance, well, stop being so cheap and find out for yourself. i will not describe in detail so you can get your rocks off on the idea of it. either get it or dont.

    Love it!

  8. #8
    Callyish
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Also please do not ask me to jump on your nuts then throw a fit when I do it. You asked me to do it, so I did. You have no right to bitch and complain and try and beat the living fuck out of the manager because I did as you asked.

  9. #9
    God/dess cinammonkisses's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Ooooh I wanna add!

    Since summer is approaching, I would really appreciate it if you refrained from your biker shorts. No, I do not want to "feel it" while I dance for you.







    Some Douchebag: "[Pimp C] 12:43 am: its true we got to stick together the black people on SW CK you is teh condoleeza of SW"


  10. #10
    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    I know that you think you're offering me such a great price to fuck your nasty ass, but I make that much by NOT fucking the customers and within a very short amount of time. Oh, and please keep in mind that tipping is part of the strip club experiance. You are not doing me a favor by giving me a dollar, you are ensuring that more naked girls will pay attention to you.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Please DO NOT lick your fingers and then try to tweak my nipples, I know you think that your hands are wonderfully talented and your fingers turn things to gold - but I do not want your spittle on my nipples.

    Even though my boobs are "done" they still can feel pain, we're not making biscuits here son. I know you have never, ever seen boobs this big or this "pretty" as you so eloquently termed it but PLEASE DO NOT SQUEEZE THEM. It HURTS.

    DO NOT pull my thong or T-bar up my ass crack and ask me if "it feels good" while I am giving you a lap dance. NO It DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.

    Please, dear valued customer do not grasp my hips and try to make me dry fuck you while I am giving you a lap dance. Yes, I know your horny because you never get laid, then again my tender parts do not mesh well with denim, wool or whatever sort of material thoes snazy pants you have on are made out of. PLEASE do not try and show me how to dance for you, I do actually know what I am doing.

    Please, dear valued customer do not argue with me about the price of dances or my time. I would rather hear you tell me no than to see you get that shocked expression on your face and hear your voice levitate three or four octaves as you squeak out the price in utter disbelief. My time is valuable as I'm sure yours is.

    Lastly, dear valued customer. I do not give a shit if you are married or not. Please do not use that fucking lame excuse to sit in my club, leer, drool, nurse your one soda in it's plastic cup and explain to me that you are fucking married. I also do not care to see your wedding band. If you are so married, go your cheap ass home and look at your ugly wife - for free!
    Last edited by Crow2; 06-12-2007 at 07:38 PM.

  12. #12
    Banned gingerlee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    Please know that, as happy as I am for you that you have a BIG important high paying job, a huge house and 17 ferraris...unless you are giving them to me...I'll get bored hearing about them rather quickly. And if you arent giving me gobs of money to back your story up...I wont believe you.
    But Cam, I'm rich! Super duper crazy rich! Why don't you care about how rich I am? Wait, now I remember. It's because even though I say I'm swimming in money, I'm a fucking tightwad when it comes to giving it to you. I can't possibly give you money for a lap dance, that would just be crazy.

  13. #13
    AlexxaHex
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow2 View Post
    Please, dead valued customer
    *snicker* Your Freudian slip is showing!(?)

    Ok I have something...

    Dear "valued" customer,

    Beer does not give you fresh breath! Do not breathe so heavily in my face thinking that you aren't about to singe my nose hairs! This also goes for brushing your teeth. Your hygiene for going to a strip club should be similar to when you are going on a date. I don't expect you to go all out or anything, but just don't smell like a dead animal please. I won't be offended if you ask me for a piece of gum or a mint if you can't be bothered to bring your own.

    Also, my vagina is not a place for your fingers! Enough said on that one.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Quote Originally Posted by AlexxaHex View Post
    *snicker* Your Freudian slip is showing!(?)

    Ok I have something...

    Dear "valued" customer,

    Beer does not give you fresh breath! Do not breathe so heavily in my face thinking that you aren't about to singe my nose hairs! This also goes for brushing your teeth. Your hygiene for going to a strip club should be similar to when you are going on a date. I don't expect you to go all out or anything, but just don't smell like a dead animal please. I won't be offended if you ask me for a piece of gum or a mint if you can't be bothered to bring your own.

    Also, my vagina is not a place for your fingers! Enough said on that one.

    Oh crap! That was funny! I fixed it, so neener

  15. #15
    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    I'm adding my signature to this entire petition! What they all said.

    I'm sure I'll have manymanymany more, but aside from what y'all already covered so well:



    Please stop waggling your legs back and forth while I'm trying to give you a LAP DANCE. You're just obviously trying to mess wth me and trip me up. Knock it the fuck off. You could seriously injure me, but aside from that, it just screams 'Asshole".

    And the blowing on the kitty. I covered this ad nauseum a while ago; just have to throw it into our little manifesto here. NO DANCER LIKES THIS. Okay? It doesn't tickle, it's not cute, it could in fact get flecks of your disgusting spittle on this, the most vulnerable part of my body, the part that I have been generous enough to give you a close-up view of. Yes, there are worse violations. For sure. But just don't ever be mistaken into thinking that this is somehow pleasant for us. K?
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

  16. #16
    Callyish
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Also stop trying to squeeze your legs around mine when im standing in front of you... it pisses me off and is fucking pointless!!

  17. #17
    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post

    I'm sure you are very proud of your pussy licking skills. Since you will neveri n a million years get your tongue near mine I do not need to hear about it. Really. especially if you are old and fat. It gives me a mental image that, frankly, makes me want to lose my lunch.
    bwahhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahha
    PISS FUNNY CAMERON.

    I have this gross customer who the entire time, yes the entire time I dance for him, he sits back in his chair and does the action with his tongue as if he is licking me out. It is the most vile, disgusting thing EVER.
    He also has to constantly tell me how much I would love it.

  18. #18
    Banned gingerlee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Don't tell me that you took your Viagra 10 minutes ago, and that I need to come back once it kicks in. You're older than dirt, puttering around in a Hoveround scooter, telling me about your upcoming boner. TMI dude, TMI.

  19. #19
    Veteran Member StevieStar7's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Quote Originally Posted by RoseWhite View Post
    And the blowing on the kitty. I covered this ad nauseum a while ago; just have to throw it into our little manifesto here. NO DANCER LIKES THIS. Okay? It doesn't tickle, it's not cute, it could in fact get flecks of your disgusting spittle on this, the most vulnerable part of my body, the part that I have been generous enough to give you a close-up view of. Yes, there are worse violations. For sure. But just don't ever be mistaken into thinking that this is somehow pleasant for us. K?
    This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves!!!! What the FUCK is that anyways? It mainly happens when on stage, your dancing, turn around and your backside is facing them....they start to BLOW on your kitty and butt hole area!!! WTF!!!
    And 'd like to turn around and shove my heel into their eye socket!

    I also hate when I'm dancing on stage and they come up to tip you with their god damn measle dollar and expect you to dance to the whole song! I have other guys coming to tip me on stage, so I got to move around...not standing there for the entire song to dance for you and just to get your dollar!!!

  20. #20
    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    I always secretly wish that one of those customers who sit there and do the blowing thing would pass out from exhaling too much air.

    Oh and here is another one:

    Dear customer,
    If reading how pathethic some customers are offends u and kills the fantasy for you then don't read it. This site is for strippers not whack of material without having to tip.

  21. #21
    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Quote Originally Posted by Crow2 View Post

    DO NOT pull my thong or T-bar up my ass crack and ask me if "it feels good" while I am giving you a lap dance. NO It DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.

    What is UP with that?! Does a wedgie FEEL good?! Wtf?!

    And I know I've said this before, but WHENEVER a guy blows on me I say, "Honey, I don't know what you do at home, but here, the girls don't need to be blown up first!!!"

    A guy a few weeks ago replied with, "That doesn't turn you on?" and he was serious. Oh god, no WONDER you're not getting laid.


    Look like a woman
    Think like a man
    Act like a lady
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    - My Great Grandmother Bessie's Recipe for Success

  22. #22
    Senior Member Danielle_4370's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Please remember that a dance is a dance, be it on stage, or on a couch, bed, chair, table, or booth. If you get one, provide compensation. I have yet to see a sign anywhere in my club that says: "Freebies -- this seat only."

    Don't use the fact that you're not at the tip rail as an excuse. You saw me. You know you did. And you liked it. Tip appropriately.

  23. #23
    Veteran Member StevieStar7's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Quote Originally Posted by lilithmorrigan View Post
    And I know I've said this before, but WHENEVER a guy blows on me I say, "Honey, I don't know what you do at home, but here, the girls don't need to be blown up first!!!"
    LOL...I'll have to use that next time!

  24. #24
    God/dess GoldCoastGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    I adapted something I found somewhere on the Internet many years ago.

    http://www.blognow.com.au/StripClubEttiquette

    I had copied and pasted it into a text/notepad file ... and didn't know who the original author was of the piece... so I can't credit it/them for inspiring me.. I adapted it not plagurised it.


    enter: E3167322D9 for your 10% discount

  25. #25
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Dear Valued Customer..

    Dear Valued Customer,

    I am never going to date you. Ever. Yeah, I probably implied that I was single; I also told you flat out that I don't date. Even if I did, the fact that I met you in the club is a big strike against you, and the fact that you keep relentlessly pushing it over and over and over just clinches the deal.

    And besides, LOOK at yourself. Look at me, and look at yourself. I'm 15 pounds overweight (working on it, but still) and I'm still more beautiful and interesting than any woman who has ever said more than two words while glancing in your direction. You haven't had a decent haircut since Flock of Seagulls were on the Billboard list, you smell like old cigarettes and dollar-store cologne, and you have no life besides watching TV and your occasional trips to the titty bar for a Budweiser. Do you REALLY think I can't find better prospects? Really really? Guys, before you decide to relentlessly pester a beautiful woman for a date, please take a moment to consider what you have to bring to the table.

    Thank you.

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