You know the other day I was sitting there marking my 8 months of feeling fucking sorry for my ass...and as i spoke to Chris and cried " I just want something to give., I just want something ..anything to fucking fall into place..."
Because we all know it's a snow ball effect , be it for bad shit or good shit.
But nothing has been moving along at all. I've relapsed so bad. I've lost 12 lbs , My hair is falling out to the point I saw chris choke back tears. My bruises remain for weeks at a time now verses days...
I thought I had fixed myself, but obviously it doesn't go away over night. And I began to lapse in therapy visits, both the group, support and also private. I've done tour with Chris. And I've been vacationing..working when I can get my shit together..
Slowly but surely everything just dwindled back to the way they were ...only worse. Mostly because now I knew I was doing bad shit, things that were upsetting to my bf and family... and I felt sorry for myself and them..and the pressure to be what I coin perfect just took over.
When I was sitting there saying these things to him, and going back..reflecting on how I use to be. when him and I began dating .. how I worked 5 days a week, managed to pay a mortgage , rent for my apartment here..private school for 2 kids and still have over 2 grand a month to blow on stupid shit. That I always kept up on my appearance. And now I don't.
I manage to keep up the hair color only because he does it lol. My nails are never fucking done regularly.. I dont tan anymore at all.. I dont work out..NOTHING.
And that's when the shit hit me. Maybe I can't fix the huge things..which is always what I seem to want to do first. I never want to start small and work big. I decided that night on the drive back from Detroit..that I was going to get up tomorrow no matter how fucking tired I was. I was going to get up and power walk 2 miles. I can't run them because I don't eat enough, and the heat outside. THose two factors alone will give me a heart attack if I did try and just run. So it's start out small and take the steps to get myself well enough to be able to run.
I walked to a tanning salon, plopped down 10 bucks and started the process of fixing myself up. I did my nails.. painted them something other than black. Then I went to work. Even though the entire time I was fighting myself and the urge to NOT go.
And you know what, I made a grand. I felt good. I had energy. I had fun. For the first time since I got home from rehab ( that first few weeks. )
Today I did it again. I got up, I cleaned this fucking apt. I changed the kids linens.. I cleaned up the stove and toilet. I ate some food, so I could run one mile and walk the other. I tanned and came home did 100 crunches, 100 squats and just a bit ago, I power walked another 2 miles and sat on the steps of this beautiful Ukraine church in my area. I just sat there. and even though I'm not a religious person by any stretch of the means anymore...I took it all in. Almost cried and yah i prayed. I'm not too sure why I did it. But it felt good. Then I strolled on home .
I think the lack of structure and NEED has caused me to just do nothing. I'm too leisure and it's not healthy. So here I go to starting otu small to get somewhere big , instead of doing it the way I've always done it ...and never had it work right.
I can't wait to see the results.![]()



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I got up at 11 am, totally not wanting to. I got up, put money on my debit., paid my cell phone bill, my gas bill and drove to do the emissions test on my car.

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