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Thread: Busting my ass

  1. #1
    Tart
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    Default Busting my ass

    You know the other day I was sitting there marking my 8 months of feeling fucking sorry for my ass...and as i spoke to Chris and cried " I just want something to give., I just want something ..anything to fucking fall into place..."

    Because we all know it's a snow ball effect , be it for bad shit or good shit.

    But nothing has been moving along at all. I've relapsed so bad. I've lost 12 lbs , My hair is falling out to the point I saw chris choke back tears. My bruises remain for weeks at a time now verses days...

    I thought I had fixed myself, but obviously it doesn't go away over night. And I began to lapse in therapy visits, both the group, support and also private. I've done tour with Chris. And I've been vacationing..working when I can get my shit together..

    Slowly but surely everything just dwindled back to the way they were ...only worse. Mostly because now I knew I was doing bad shit, things that were upsetting to my bf and family... and I felt sorry for myself and them..and the pressure to be what I coin perfect just took over.

    When I was sitting there saying these things to him, and going back..reflecting on how I use to be. when him and I began dating .. how I worked 5 days a week, managed to pay a mortgage , rent for my apartment here..private school for 2 kids and still have over 2 grand a month to blow on stupid shit. That I always kept up on my appearance. And now I don't.

    I manage to keep up the hair color only because he does it lol. My nails are never fucking done regularly.. I dont tan anymore at all.. I dont work out..NOTHING.

    And that's when the shit hit me. Maybe I can't fix the huge things..which is always what I seem to want to do first. I never want to start small and work big. I decided that night on the drive back from Detroit..that I was going to get up tomorrow no matter how fucking tired I was. I was going to get up and power walk 2 miles. I can't run them because I don't eat enough, and the heat outside. THose two factors alone will give me a heart attack if I did try and just run. So it's start out small and take the steps to get myself well enough to be able to run.

    I walked to a tanning salon, plopped down 10 bucks and started the process of fixing myself up. I did my nails.. painted them something other than black. Then I went to work. Even though the entire time I was fighting myself and the urge to NOT go.

    And you know what, I made a grand. I felt good. I had energy. I had fun. For the first time since I got home from rehab ( that first few weeks. )

    Today I did it again. I got up, I cleaned this fucking apt. I changed the kids linens.. I cleaned up the stove and toilet. I ate some food, so I could run one mile and walk the other. I tanned and came home did 100 crunches, 100 squats and just a bit ago, I power walked another 2 miles and sat on the steps of this beautiful Ukraine church in my area. I just sat there. and even though I'm not a religious person by any stretch of the means anymore...I took it all in. Almost cried and yah i prayed. I'm not too sure why I did it. But it felt good. Then I strolled on home .

    I think the lack of structure and NEED has caused me to just do nothing. I'm too leisure and it's not healthy. So here I go to starting otu small to get somewhere big , instead of doing it the way I've always done it ...and never had it work right.



    I can't wait to see the results.

  2. #2
    zxcire
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    Just hang in there....Recovery is a process. I've been struggling with my body image and recovering for 3 years now...and it's hard every day.

    One thing that helps me tremendously is to focus on small, small, I mean tiny miniscule things that I am happy about, doing well, improving; one meal I ate, one place I went without a panic attack, one positive thought...one nice thing I did for someone else just for the hell of it...

    Scheduling always helps me. Being accountable for something, whatever it is. Showing up to work. Feeding my cats at 7:00 at night. Going to therapy even when I don't want to.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. You sound like you're starting in the right direction, just keep the positivity and openness and willingness. You're a beautiful and highly intelligent woman, and you deserve peace.

  3. #3
    Veteran Member hearts's Avatar
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    This makes me want to break out in song...."The sun will come out ToMorroW!"
    I too had a similar "breakthough". I know I am just some girl on the internet, but I support ya! Go get it! <3
    I wish I was a Macaque, living in a hot spring, receiving daily groomings and matings by various males. Aaaaaaaah, one can only dream....
    --Katrine

  4. #4
    Tart
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    You know what, that entire " I make myself accountable " is exactly what I have GOT to do.

    Because I have no one to answer to, I have nothing to be held accountable for. And when I fail at shit because I didn't go through with things, I just chalk it up to a bad day..or whatever. I"m always making excuses for it. My best excuse is " well I guess I didnt want it bad enough "

    I have no schedule in the fucking least. and that's where Im starting to slip. At rehab I loved it. I had things to do ..I hate to admit it. But I need to be told what to do. And that shit sucks. Its like because I lacked it growing up now I thrive off of it.

    I think classes are in the very near future for me. Because then i have to do something. But right now jus tmaking myself tan and do power walks because I want to is a huge step for me.

    like I said I always went for the big dog before and didn't start out with the small shit that actually helps you get to the big stuff.

    And I need to keep a list of all the good things I'm doing. Because I tend to focus only on the negative.

    Off I go to start a thread about the good things ..this way we all can make a lil' list on here and constantly reflect back on it

  5. #5
    God/dess Dottie Rebel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    I'm going through this exact same thing right now. I've been struggling for about two years (not ED, but something else). I'm just starting to realize that I can't expect myself to leap a tall building in a single bound if I can't even get myself out of bed or take a shower or eat. So I've been setting short and medium term little goals and trying to not worry so much about what it is I'm "doing with myself" or feeling like I'm not being ambitious enough. That type of thinking just kills me. I got up today, I brushed my teeth, I made some soup, I took a walk. That's good enough for today.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    I'm glad to hear something is going good for you. Hopefully having a good day can fuel more good days. You are lucky to have someone there who cares for you, he obviously loves you.

  7. #7
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    Oh honey, I know exactly how you feel! Rehab is a bubble that shields and protects us from the real world. I've been trying to do "one day at a time" and its gotten mediocre results. Best of luck to you, hope you feel better. Keep up the therapy and the healing process!

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

  8. #8
    God/dess KamrynAnne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    good for you!!! glad to see things are turning around for you.

  9. #9
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    "Structure" is the key, I think. Building up a variety of routines in your life (and having the willpower to stick to them) is very beneficial. But it goes without saying that this can be very challenging for folks outside the 9-to-5 world, especially those who work crazy hours.

    Three practical, structural devices I've used in my own life: 1) Cooking; 2) Cleaning; 3) Excercise. Moreover, it helps to do these things on a SCHEDULE. For instance, nearly every Saturday morning I hit a yoga class; every Sunday morning after reading the NY Times cover to cover (another routine) I clean the house. And so on. Good luck, Tart.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    i'm so happy for you! taking those first steps really can make all the difference. and look what happened when you finally just did it! you went to work and had a good night. things will only get better from here, if that's the mindset you have.

    (oh and btw i like the idea for that thread you started in the lounge.. it's making me *want* to do nice and good things today!)

  11. #11
    Veteran Member Sultry Siren's Avatar
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    Tart I am so glad you are "forcing" yourself to make the small gains which actually amount to big ones in the long run!!!

    I remember a speaker telling a group of us once ...

    "WHAT YOU FOCUS ON DETERMINES YOUR REALIY!"

    It's so true too.

    If your life has no focus, it has no direction, purpose, or meaning. The end result is you just stop caring and say to hell with everything.

    Although my situation right now is most definitely nothing like you are facing it is similar.

    I've lost my way in the past few months and stopped caring about so many things...and it has made me frustrated, unhappy, and bitchy as all of hell.

    I guess no one is alone...we've all got battles.

    I think your posting here is quite brave actually...in a sense you are making yourself accountable to those who read this forum...and being vulnerable at the same time!

    I don't know much about you but what I do know I like very much! You are an insanely beautiful woman with or without make-up. You look way too young to have 2 kids...and your body definitely doesn't say you are a mom...hubba hubba!!!

    A strange woman who is a stranger in your corner....hoping that it is nothing but successes and wonderful surprises for you from here on out!
    Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
    Hebrew Talmud


  12. #12
    Tart
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    ^ wow thank you guys! I mean it!

    And siren what you wrote is so fucking true. That when we have no direction, that's exactly where our life is headed. I've done nothing for almost a year. Other than the random things I've worked towards and the hours I"ve put in at times, at work.

    Today again, so fucking tired. I laid down at 3 something last night and I didn't fall asleep till 450 I got up at 11 am, totally not wanting to. I got up, put money on my debit., paid my cell phone bill, my gas bill and drove to do the emissions test on my car.

    Something i've put off since I bought the damn thing almost a year ago! My license was due for suspension and I totally considered waiting till tomorrow .. the last possible day. Instead I did it today.

    I considered going tanning but once I rolled up there they told me I had to wait another 2 hours and 20 minutes because it hadn't been 24 hours yet. So I guess I'll just tan at work.

    It saves me 10 bucks as it is. I'm going in to work today. I'm going to do very well and I'm going to wake up tomorrow, get my hair did, tan and drive back to Indianapolis with my bF so he can do his speaking .

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    you totally inspired me to get my ass moving too. i got my nails done today, i went tanning, and i bought a new workout dvd that ive been wanting to buy so maybe i'll get off my ass and actually work out. and i have you to thank!

  14. #14
    Featured Member Hello_Kitty27's Avatar
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    Default Re: Busting my ass

    Wow, Tart. I am so glad I read this. Thank you for posting this, b/c I myself have been freaking out and beating myself up over "the big picture" and I forget the little details. It's like building a foundation.

    Good luck taking care of yourself and trying to really start the road to recovery. I have a feeling your posts will not only help to motivate you, but they'll help a LOT of people.

    (Thank you).






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