First Sat night at my new club in philly (delilahs)....although I love it there, tonight was shiteous. The reason being I am majorly PMS-ing and have no patience for bachelor parties. Besides the fact I looked like a stuffed pepper, I was also trying to hold it together without seeming like a major bitch.
I was walking by some bachelor party, approached a guy sitting next to what looked like 10 pounds of hot wings. He said "hey sit down on my lap," so I said hello, sat down and said "Hey....can I have a wing?" and he said "Sure...but you gotta show me something." Whatever. I gave the World's Quickest One-Boob Flash, being the good sport that I am, since I was eating from their buffet.
So I ate one wing, and then asked for another (Yes, I'm a fat ass tonight....). I actually stayed there for 3 songs (usually, sitting and talking is NOT me) talking with this idiot man who had the personality of a shoe, as well as the body of a water buffalo. So then I asked "So do you want to go to the back?" and the guy goes to me...."No not yet. You're hot, but I want to check out the rest of the selection."
UGH. Why is it the ugly ones are always the pickiest?! Yes, I know the answer already....it's because they know they can never get hot girls in real life, so the solution here is to come to SCs and try to feel as entitled as possible, thus seeking out every Top Diva in the club and after careful consideration and trying to mind-fuck all the girls (i.e. "So, if I get a lapdance with you, is it worth it?" "Why should I get a lapdance with you?" "Can you guarantee it will be the best I ever had?"...etc. What the fuck do they want, blowjobs?! Its ONLY $20), getting ONE dance. I usually just walk away at the questioning point because I feel all that annoyance is not even worth $20, but tonight I was desperate.
Since I was PMSing I was thinking "Don't EVEN act cocky with me, you douschebag. You KNOW you have to pay to get me (or anyone else there)." What I actually said was, "Well, ok then. Do you want to give me a tip?" (for sitting on this bastard's lap for 3 fucken songs)....
and he said "Yeah hold on, I got a little something for you" and gives me ONE FUCKING DOLLAR. THEN he had the damn audacity to say "Now you gotta turn around and show me what you're working with in the back." This is where I cracked. I showed him what I was working with alrite....as I walked away in a huff, giving him the finger on the way. But then I decided that wasn't enough. I walked back over and was liek "Wait a minute....was this a joke? I'm actually insulted here." Now, I know this guy wasn't naive, because a naive reaction would have been something like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry" or like a shocked expression, or something!! But this motherfucker wasn't naive because he just had this cocky look on his face and said "What, you ate my wings, what do you expect" (I had literally 2 wings!) So I tried to be an even better sport and said really sweetly, "Well, I'd like a long island, since you guys have an open bar." He gave me this look like "Do I actually have to drag my 300 pound ass to the damn bar." Fuck this shit, I thought, and just started walking away. This is why I hate it when it's dead, then I have to put up with this kind of shit for 5 songs a person. And what was my payment, you ask? 2 hot wings and a dollar. I could have dug that out myself from any random garbage can in the city of Philadelphia, thank-you-very-much. Yes, I know it's my own fault for being an idiot and putting myself in this annoying situation, but don't we all just have to rant sometimes at the stupidity of the human race.
Either way, this douschbag COMPLETELY redeemed himself a few hours later. I heard him calling my name as I walked by ignoring him, but then he started yelling "I want a dance! I want a dance!" So I walked over warily and he actually said "Where'd you go? I got that drink for you hours ago" What! Then he said "I really want a dance right NOW!" WTF? Afterwards, he even tipped me a $5 on top of the $20 (not unusual for most men, but rare in the Entitled Group), and said "Wow, that WAS the best lap dance I ever had! Thank you!" I just stood there incredulously, with my mouth hanging open and feeling bad for cursing him out in my mind. See? Just when you've given up hope, is when something least expected happens! Thank you, God.
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