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Thread: In need of women's wisdom

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    Default In need of women's wisdom

    I wonder if I can ask for some of the great women's wisdom I've seen so many times on this website. About two years ago I had lunch with an old friend--she is quite a bit younger than me and was married. I had been to her wedding, and had bad feelings about it when the groom showed up almost two hours late! At our lunch she seemed somber, changed. He had been beating her. I took her to a Women's Crisis Center, and they were able to convince her to get out of the marriage. She was divorced in about three months.

    The former husband was (is) a dangerous guy, and we went through a lot together. My relationship with this woman grew romantic, and became a deep friendship also, after all we'd weathered. Simultaneously, the woman was going through a number of operations to correct problems in her legs, something she is still going through.

    We broke up in December, mostly I think because she'd never really recovered from the marriage and needed to be on her own, but also, perhaps, because I am too old for her. I understand this. I found out about a week ago that she has been seeing someone else. I want the friendship to continue, but am somehow in despair about it; I promised her at one point I would help see her through the medical stuff and that still means a great deal to me--I will try and honor it. Do I seem petty, though, in light of the new guy, to tell her I need to pull back from the friendship for a while?

    I know my question probably seems pathetic. There is a deep friendship here, and I would like to honor it if I can. I look forward to your wisdom in this!
    JK Jim

  2. #2
    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Do you mean you need to pull back because you still have strong feelings for her? Because if so, then no, that's not petty. It's giving you a chance to recover and recompose yourself so that you can become a better friend to her.

    What was the age difference between you two btw?

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    You've hit it on the head--I have strong feelings for her, still, and the contact with her now sends me into a tailspin (really since the news of the new guy--I'm admitting to myself that I was hoping we would get back together...we'd actually talked about marriage at one point).

    I am 46 and she is 25. Thank you for your thoughts--
    JK Jim

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    BrunetteGoddess
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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    I don't think age should be such a big issue if you have enough in common and get along great. But I digress...

    Have you told her exactly that? That you can't seem to handle this right now and you need a break?

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Hi Corsica,

    We did have this discussion after I heard about the new guy--then, just in the last few days, another medical situation started up and I came in to help just because we've become such a team at it. My feeling is that I'll see her through this, let her know I'm here to talk if she needs, but be honest and say that otherwise I'll need time. Your first post makes a lot of sense to me--I wasn't thinking about the fact that I need to do some recovering also to be any kind of friend at all. I think I've been feeling a male pride thing, and was ashamed of it in the midst of more important (medical) matters, esp. when I've said I'd always be there for her. Does that make sense?
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    U need to pull back and I emphasise the word need. When u still have strong feelings for someone IMO u cannot truly be their friend and certainly not the friend that she wants u to be.

    I dont think it's fair of her to ask u to pay for medical expenses when she has moved on to another guy and she should be well aware of that.

    Also nothing wrong with the age diff IMO. I have always dated older guys and I prefer it that way. My cousin is 28 and married to a 50 year old and they get along really well.

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Thank you for this, Jaizaine. I can see that you're right that I can't be much of a friend at this time--I do need to pull back right now. I'll honor the friendship by following through where I can on the medical things, and then recover. The medical expenses haven't been a problem--she's been careful about having insurance cover everything. My role of late has just been in finding out medical information and giving support. I think as I look back I'll be proud that I could do what I did (regarding the violent husband), and she certainly helped me as well. She's a great girl and didn't need to be living with that idiot. I feel sad that so many women get stuck with dangerous men, when freedom is so close by. But I've learned it is a tough thing to break away when the guy so takes your identity that you don't know who you are anymore. I'll always be glad I could be there at that time--she deserves better for her life.

    I agree with you about the age--I never found that to be a problem, either.

    I felt a little self-serving posting this, but I'm grateful I did--thanks you guys for helping me through a tough time! Hope I can do the same for you sometime!
    JK Jim

  8. #8
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    You want the truth jhuka?

    You probably don't, but anyway, if you really feel this way, you should hit the road. If your good will retracted so quickly now that what you wanted is not in the offing, you should do both of you a favor and let her find someone else...

    If she's not treating you like an emotional tampon, then you're just going to go around looking like you got kicked in the balls by her emotionally and that's off-putting for everyone involved.

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
    You want the truth jhuka?

    You probably don't, but anyway, if you really feel this way, you should hit the road. If your good will retracted so quickly now that what you wanted is not in the offing, you should do both of you a favor and let her find someone else...

    If she's not treating you like an emotional tampon, then you're just going to go around looking like you got kicked in the balls by her emotionally and that's off-putting for everyone involved.
    Stiff medicine, but I think you're right, Madmaxine: I've just had an e-mail from her explaining that I had built such a wall of protection around her (after the abusive husband) that she felt she couldn't grow, and this I knew. I will probably always be glad (as a friend) that I could be there, and the "male pride" in me will always wish she had gotten to know me in better circumstances. Her safety trumps all of it, of course--so what the hell, it was all worth it, to get her away from that violent son of a bitch.

    So I shall move on, and remind myself that the only bitterness worth having is at the former husband. He now has another woman pregnant, and is probably on his way to prison for fraud. So at least my ex isn't still dealing with all that. Thanks, Madmaxine.
    JK Jim

  10. #10
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    I'm with Maxine. You should let her go and clear that space in your life for a healthy woman your own age.

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    Veteran Member wonderkitty's Avatar
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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Definitely move on. Not to be an ass but men usually don't want to be friends with women purely for the companionship. You'd probably be maintaining a friendship with the idea that something could develop again, no? Even if that weren't the case, it's so painful to try to be friends with someone in this type of situation. You try to move on, then you hear about your *friend's* new love, new opportunities and know you aren't a part of that... and it kind of twists your heart. Or maybe that's just me

    Just let her do her own thing. My guess is if she REALLY wanted you the age would not be an issue, and obviously she is over here marriage enough to be seeing some other guy.

    You sound like a stand-up guy. You should feel very proud that you were able to help someone so much. Know that there'll be other women out there for you.

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Quote Originally Posted by wonderkitty View Post
    Definitely move on. Not to be an ass but men usually don't want to be friends with women purely for the companionship. You'd probably be maintaining a friendship with the idea that something could develop again, no? Even if that weren't the case, it's so painful to try to be friends with someone in this type of situation. You try to move on, then you hear about your *friend's* new love, new opportunities and know you aren't a part of that... and it kind of twists your heart. Or maybe that's just me

    Just let her do her own thing. My guess is if she REALLY wanted you the age would not be an issue, and obviously she is over here marriage enough to be seeing some other guy.

    You sound like a stand-up guy. You should feel very proud that you were able to help someone so much. Know that there'll be other women out there for you.
    Thank you, WonderK and Yek. WK, you're right, I know--that if people really want each other nothing is an issue, and it is time for me to let this go. I have already, I guess--I'm just dealing with it. I made her promise me that she never let any man stand in her way again (she was a world-famous athlete, but her husband forbade her from being in sports, and she was so screwed up by him she finally gave in!) of anything she loved, so I certainly will step out of the way here--for my own health and hers. She knows I'm there if she needs me, but I've told her I need to draw back from things for a good while and recover. She has another man now who can take over the things I was doing.

    Yek, I am hoping things are better on your end. I have faith.

    Thank you both very much. Your words mean a lot at a time which, I understand now, is really a time of grief--just hadn't admitted it to myself. My best to you.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    I agree with MM.

    She needs to get out of relationships that are based on someone needing her to need them. Hopefully she's realizing that and moving on to healthier things. Stand back from the friendship until it can be an equal thing.



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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Thank you, Lena.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Quote Originally Posted by madmaxine View Post
    You want the truth jhuka?

    You probably don't, but anyway, if you really feel this way, you should hit the road. If your good will retracted so quickly now that what you wanted is not in the offing, you should do both of you a favor and let her find someone else...

    If she's not treating you like an emotional tampon, then you're just going to go around looking like you got kicked in the balls by her emotionally and that's off-putting for everyone involved.
    Realized I hadn't addressed the middle part of this yesterday, and will here, for anyone who is in a similar situation. My good will didn't retract--that was actually the problem: I had to deal with trying to connect with her on the deep level we were used to (through the husband and medical stuff) after learning she was with a new man, AFTER hearing that she needed space. It probably would have been easier if my good will did retract, but I'm not that kind of person. I was so used to being the protector that I couldn't get out of the role.

    And the real truth is that--as is said by everyone--if she still wanted me she would be with me. So from here I accept it and move on. And MM is right: I would be walking around looking like I got kicked, and I have no interest in living that way. I've told her I'll be there if she needs in a crisis, and otherwise it is time for me (and her) to move on. Thanks MM and everybody. I'm still interested in your thoughts on this or your own relationships here if you want to add--
    JK Jim

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    God/dess LuckyOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Um, Jhuka? You are so sweet. I think i love you.

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    Default Re: In need of women's wisdom

    Lucky, that's a great thing to hear, especially now. So thanks for making my day!

    The feeling is mutual!
    JK Jim

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