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Thread: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

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    Veteran Member Jeanette's Avatar
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    Default I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    I need advice. So, basically I lent someone I considered to be a friend over $6000. I was supposed to make more money off of the money I lent him, and although I wasn't counting on it he assured me, and I'm reading from a text "you have my word I'll personally hand it to you if it's not ready by then." I gave him the money on May 5th. Stupid, naive me for trusting him

    In the past two months I've heard every excuse possible. He blamed his child's mother for making him late to do some transaction. Then supposedly drove on a suspended licence to get the money that he owed me from his bank account, and on his way there got pulled over by the police! So, I didn't hear from him for a couple days(I'm freaking out) and get a call from someone I don't know saying he's in jail. When he get's out a day later he lets me know he has all intention of paying me back and that he couldn't believe I would think for a second that he wouldn't pay me back, but he doesn't have the money because he paid his bail and lawyer with the money he owed me.

    I've been led on to believe that I would be paid back on specific days, as in"Hey we're good for Tues," which turns into... "I don't have it til Friday that's when it's ready," just for example. I had been trying my best to have faith that he had good intentions and believe that he was honestly trying to pay me back, but then he would go missing and not return my calls/texts for days at a time, then when I do hear from him it's either some silly excuse, or defensive reply followed by an excuse like "I'm just frustrated and I feel I disappointed You. I'm embarassed." At one point, after not hearing from him from days, I threatened to involve "other people" then I got a response. I asked him if he would sign a promissory note, he said yes, but then went missing, with another excuse.

    I realize this is a really long post, from someone who doesn't post often, but thanks to anyone reading.

    ... Today, after sending him texts/calling since Friday with no response as to what's happening. I sent him a text that said "you are an asshole"... "You or someone close to you will pay for you being such an asshole, if not now, at some point." I meant it more in a karmic way, but he responded back, as I thought he would...

    He threatened me, in a non direct way. ("To survive, lose my number", brought up my parents and called me a rat.) I told him, in a text that I would call the cops, and I did, because I didn't know what to do. After waiting for over 6 hours for them to come and take a report I called and said I couldn't wait anymore tonight. So, to sum this up, I am a bit afraid that he will will do something to me. I still don't know how to get my money back(he's not accesible). I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone again, and I feel hurt, ridiculously stupid, alone and depressed to top it off.

    Please, if anyone has any advice, or can relate...I don't know, send some good enery my way even, it would be greatly appreciated.

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Hi Jeanette,

    I don't know if I have any great wisdom on this one, other than to say that if your instincts are telling you to be afraid of the guy you probably should be. It sounds like he went from someone you trusted to this fast, so he must have quite a personality. I suspect that he is throwing off a bluff, to get you off his back, but I would handle this legally now, rather than operating with him directly. I wonder if it would be worthwhile to call the attorney general of your state and ask about the situation--if they could begin to guide you on this. I've found the atty general's offices in NH and MA very helpful in similar situations. And do you have family and friends nearby who can watch out for you a bit? I think it is good at this time for you to have someone you can talk to who you trust--not only for protection, but because your faith in human beings has taken a hit and you need to reconnect with some honest people. I think the vast majority of people are fairly honest, and that is worth remembering.

    You're not the first person this has happened to, believe me. It happens to all of us, in some form or another, at some point. Hang in there and try to keep the chin up! Let us know what happens!
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Save the texts! That's not an indirect threat. Likely, since he sounds like a shady jerk, he won't ever DO anything. In fact he may have thought that was a way to get out of having to pay you back! I'd imagine you're going to have to take him to court to get the money back. I'm sorry you have to have this lesson learnt the hardest way. *hug* It sucks when your friends aren't friends.

    Rose Leigh

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Just want to second Rose's idea to save everything you can. I think when people like this see firm, steady (legal) resolve they quickly realize that excuses won't work, and the more evidence you have the more resolve there will be on your side--it would be nice to scare him into realizing that he's conned the wrong person. But do get legal help in doing it. I think the atty. general's is a good place to start, and perhaps they'll tell you to combine with the police, which could be the muscle you need in this case.

    I am concerned too that you not get too down on yourself or humanity--your note sounds this way. And who could blame you, after such a thing? But have faith that there a good people out there in the world who would never operate this way--this guy is the lowest of the low. You deserve so much more as a good, trusting soul.

    I hope it will (eventually) come out to your satisfaction.
    JK Jim

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    Veteran Member Jeanette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Thanks for the replys!

    I don't have anyone close by right now, and am even kinda worried about having to walk my dog. I had a girlfriend with me when I gave him the money, but I don't want to invove her, as she didn't even want to witness him signing the promissory note, (when we thought that was going to happen) out of fear of putting herself in a situation.

    When I called the police today they said they would only take a report if he had threatened me, and that they don't deal with money situations. I have texts, and a couple emails with him saying he would pay me back by a date and time, as well as the ones I think constitute threats. I just don't know how I will be able to take him to court if I can't track him down as he has moved. The last texts he sent were saying that he wasn't threatening me, but that I was threatening him. He was asking me to leave him alone when he's the one that owes me money! The text that has me worried says "To survive remember that now lose my nbr thank you I'll send ur money to your parents" He has no reason to bring up my parents! He's never even met them! This guy knows some unsavoury characters, and the fact that he knows where I live and work is very unsettling!

    I'm in Canada, so I don't know if contacting the attorney general would work, but I'll look ino it. Thanks for the suggestion.

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    Veteran Member Jeanette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Thanks so much jhuka. I want to believe there are good people out there. I guess I was so trusting when I shouldn't have been because I would never imagine doing something like this to someone. If I borrowed money and couldn't pay it back I'd do everything I could to get the situation right, including setting up a payment plan. Although there are probably are a lot of good people that would do their best to amend the situation, the problem is you don't truly know until you've given them money, or another situation where their character is tested. I will NEVER mix money and friends again!

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    It's definitely best not to mix money and friends. I'm of the opinion that anyone who can ask a friend for that kind of money is trying to take advantage. Unless this person is your bff, known forever, talk to them every day, you are their support person sort of friend, they need to turn to a parent or a bank or a credit card. Even if they are that sort of friend, it just turns to bad mojo.

    Rose Leigh

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Never lend money you cant afford to not get back. And never lend money without a contract signed...as you now see...a persons word can mean exactly NOTHING.

    If you have a few big male friends..park yourselves on his front step until he cant go in or out without passing you. Demand your money back.
    Take him to court. Present any texts or voice mails, emails,etc you have that has him saying he'll pay it back. Esp the ones where he threatens.


    Sad...but you may have just learned a very expensive lesson.Sorry kid..

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    Veteran Member Jeanette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    It's definitely best not to mix money and friends. I'm of the opinion that anyone who can ask a friend for that kind of money is trying to take advantage. Unless this person is your bff, known forever, talk to them every day, you are their support person sort of friend, they need to turn to a parent or a bank or a credit card. Even if they are that sort of friend, it just turns to bad mojo.

    Rose Leigh
    Totally agree. There were so many signs I should have seen before, that I see now, that told me I shouldn't have done this. I just wish I could reverse time.

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jeanette View Post
    Thanks for the replys!

    I don't have anyone close by right now, and am even kinda worried about having to walk my dog. I had a girlfriend with me when I gave him the money, but I don't want to invove her, as she didn't even want to witness him signing the promissory note, (when we thought that was going to happen) out of fear of putting herself in a situation.

    When I called the police today they said they would only take a report if he had threatened me, and that they don't deal with money situations. I have texts, and a couple emails with him saying he would pay me back by a date and time, as well as the ones I think constitute threats. I just don't know how I will be able to take him to court if I can't track him down as he has moved. The last texts he sent were saying that he wasn't threatening me, but that I was threatening him. He was asking me to leave him alone when he's the one that owes me money! The text that has me worried says "To survive remember that now lose my nbr thank you I'll send ur money to your parents" He has no reason to bring up my parents! He's never even met them! This guy knows some unsavoury characters, and the fact that he knows where I live and work is very unsettling!

    I'm in Canada, so I don't know if contacting the attorney general would work, but I'll look ino it. Thanks for the suggestion.
    In Australia (and I'd suspect in Canada also, since you also operate under the Common Law system), you can recover sums of money as debts under the common law. If you're recovering a sum as a debt, the onus of proof is reversed and it is the debtor who must prove that no debt is owing, rather than the other party carrying the burden of proving that a debt has fallen due and payable. You may not need a witness to the promissory note if this debt turns out to be recoverable at common law.

    I'd advise speaking to a lawyer.

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    There is a saying I once heard, "A verbal contract is worth only the paper it's printed on."


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    - My Great Grandmother Bessie's Recipe for Success

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    Featured Member flickad's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by lilithmorrigan View Post
    There is a saying I once heard, "A verbal contract is worth only the paper it's printed on."
    Whoever invented that saying didn't study contract law, I suspect. Oral agreements get enforced all the time.

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by flickad View Post
    Whoever invented that saying didn't study contract law, I suspect. Oral agreements get enforced all the time.
    It was also originally said by a Hollywood producer. And American verbal contracts in Hollywood? Worth shit.


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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Verbal contracts are just as binding as written. At least they are in the US, and I assume it's similar in Canada.


    Honey, keep all the texts you have from this guy. You can take him to court and use whatever address and phone number you have for him. If he doesn't show up, you automatically win the judgement by default. That doesn't mean you'll actually get your money back, but it will fuck up his credit.

    If you're really afraid for your safety, MOVE. Or stay with a friend, get a friend to stay with you - anything to keep from being a sitting duck alone where he knows your address.

    And I'm sorry, but it looks like this will have to be a very expensive lesson learned for you. Never mix money and friends or family, ESPECIALLY if it's the kind of person who knows / deals in shady stuff.

    It's a shitty situation. I am sorry.

    Quote Originally Posted by pheno View Post
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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Verbal contracts are binding, but they are a bitch to prove. The hearsay rule gets in the way. You can't say "Well he said this..." cuz that violates the rule.

    The good news is that "written" doesn't necessarily imply a signed formal document. If you have anything that implies that he agreed to pay you, that'll count. A text message, therefore, would fill the void left by a lack of a formal document, providing you could prove it was from him.

    So yeah, save the messages and take him to court. Of course, Bridgette is right about the possible outcome.

    As for feeling unsafe, the best way to go is a restraining order. That way, if he violates it, you can send him to jail. (Yes, yes, I know RO's aren't perfect and people violate them all the time, but they are still, imo, the best option. At least in the US, the DA can't get involved until there is one!)

    Good luck.

    Siber
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    Maybe I'll say.... Maybe"

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jeanette View Post
    Thanks for the replys!

    I don't have anyone close by right now, and am even kinda worried about having to walk my dog. I had a girlfriend with me when I gave him the money, but I don't want to invove her, as she didn't even want to witness him signing the promissory note, (when we thought that was going to happen) out of fear of putting herself in a situation.

    When I called the police today they said they would only take a report if he had threatened me, and that they don't deal with money situations. I have texts, and a couple emails with him saying he would pay me back by a date and time, as well as the ones I think constitute threats. I just don't know how I will be able to take him to court if I can't track him down as he has moved. The last texts he sent were saying that he wasn't threatening me, but that I was threatening him. He was asking me to leave him alone when he's the one that owes me money! The text that has me worried says "To survive remember that now lose my nbr thank you I'll send ur money to your parents" He has no reason to bring up my parents! He's never even met them! This guy knows some unsavoury characters, and the fact that he knows where I live and work is very unsettling!

    I'm in Canada, so I don't know if contacting the attorney general would work, but I'll look ino it. Thanks for the suggestion.
    Jeanette, you are right I think to hone in on this phrase--he uses the words "to survive" and brings up your parents...I think this constitutes a clear threat and, even though in the end he is most likely bluffing to get you off his back he has shown his cards here. There is a threat--a clear one--stated, AND he has admitted that he took money from you. So I think this is the time to be calm and clear: get legal advice on this (I don't know how it is in Canada but there must be avenues you can follow where you don't have to pay initially--this is why I was suggesting something like an attorney general). The wise way to do this is to prepare, thoroughly, without him knowing you are doing so, and THEN hit him with such a united, legal front that he knows any another move against you would be foolish. As I say, I don't know the laws in Canada, but I would not be surprised if he has broken some--after all, he took money from you, under an agreement he would pay you back, and then has CLEARLY threatened you and implicated your parents in the threat. I see that he has tried to disguise his threat, but he has done a clumsy job of it, and it seems to me any law professional--police or judge will know it and call him on it.

    I am concerned that you say you don't have people there--family--close to you. Are you close to some of the bouncers at the club(s) you work at and can you make them aware of the situation? I think they would have some advice for you and would keep an eye out for you, and perhaps they even know this character and can begin to get the word out that he shouldn't be messing with you. And I would reach out to friends so that you have people you can confide in and talk to-- reach out to us here. I'll keep checking this thread and will communicate with you as long as you need.

    I understand your fear of this guy--you are smart to have it. But perhaps with some preparation and legal help we can make him afraid of YOU. I like that scenario. Keep your chin up, and post us here to let us know how it is going, even if you just need to rant. Hang in there.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Siber View Post
    Verbal contracts are binding, but they are a bitch to prove. The hearsay rule gets in the way. You can't say "Well he said this..." cuz that violates the rule.

    The good news is that "written" doesn't necessarily imply a signed formal document. If you have anything that implies that he agreed to pay you, that'll count. A text message, therefore, would fill the void left by a lack of a formal document, providing you could prove it was from him.

    So yeah, save the messages and take him to court. Of course, Bridgette is right about the possible outcome.

    As for feeling unsafe, the best way to go is a restraining order. That way, if he violates it, you can send him to jail. (Yes, yes, I know RO's aren't perfect and people violate them all the time, but they are still, imo, the best option. At least in the US, the DA can't get involved until there is one!)

    Good luck.

    Siber
    Hi Siber--isn't the phrase that Jeanette has honed in on, where he says "to survive..." and brings up her parents, the angle she should be using in this for the restraining order and legal help--does it not constitute a clear threat?
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jeanette View Post
    Totally agree. There were so many signs I should have seen before, that I see now, that told me I shouldn't have done this. I just wish I could reverse time.
    At this point, you need to write the money off and assume the thought of living without it.

    Sure it's a HUGE sum of money, but regardless of the sum, you need to calculate the value in it's Loss. How long did it take for you to make it? Did you need it? How long could it take you to make it back? Sure this sounds callous, but the reality is, as soon as you can put this behind you in your head (the fact that you lent it out) you can begin to get it back with a greatly level head.

    How did you pay? Cash? Check? I hope you can show withdrawls/deposits in the accounts.

    6K is not a small number, most courts will take it seriously as long as you have the proper information going in. Have bank statements, proof of loaning the money, and verbal or written intent to pay back. However, doing this risks a lot of things during the trial, but ultimately can get you your money back.

    As for feeling safe (most important) there is no reason why you can't report it, just explain that you don't feel safe and explain why again with proof. However, I do warn you:
    ... Today, after sending him texts/calling since Friday with no response as to what's happening. I sent him a text that said "you are an asshole"... "You or someone close to you will pay for you being such an asshole, if not now, at some point." I meant it more in a karmic way, but he responded back, as I thought he would...
    Diffuses a lot of argument since it also could be perceived you threatened him.

    I suggest you step back, gather as MUCH proof that you lent him the money as possible, and take it to an attorney general for review. Have them work with you on this, you may be able to get SOMETHING for it especially if they pressure him and make him think a trial is coming.

    Seriously, Good luck!

    Mast.
    People are not ruled by their memories.

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Mast has good advice here--and Siber might be the best of all of us to listen to--he is an attorney, if I remember correctly.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Honestly it sounds like you gave money to someone who has played you and had no intentions of giving it back, or of giving you more then you gave him. Sadly it happens often, and almost everyone gets burned once by a borrower of some sort in life, and some many times until they learn not to loan money.

    I wish I had some great advice on how to get it back, but it really comes down to taking him to court. For that amount, it probably doesn't make sense to hire a lawyer since the lawyers fees would end up leaving you with no more then you could get in small claims court, and probably less since you would be obligated to pay the lawyer whether or not you ever collect anything from him (there is a good chance you won't). Unfortunately small claims courts have limits on how much you can sue for, maybe $3000 or so depending on what state you live in. And even if you win, you still may not collect.

    The other problem here is that I get the sense you're involved with someone who has a history of jail time, or at least a history of violence or crimes. If so, you really have to consider the possibility that he will retaliate if you sue him.

    Scam artists, and flakey borrowers take advantage of the red-tape in the legal system, the trust of their victims, and in some cases, that they can get away with more illegal retaliation. The only way to win is not to play, and that means never give them money in the first place. Once you do, there is often no real recourse other then to accept the loss. I wish it wasn't so

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    Never lend money you cant afford to not get back.
    Absolutely great advice. When I "lend" money to friends--and I have over the years (always small amounts, by the way)--I figure I'll never see it again. And in two out of three cases, that's how it has turned out.

    One more thought: $6k is an awful big amount to give someone without a formal, legal contract. Or was money toward some illegal operation? In that case, you have to expect these sorts of things will happen from time to time as a cost of doing business in the underground economy.

    Finally, if he's in the habit of screwing people and, as you said, he knows unsavory characters, his luck is going to run out. You can count on that.

    Sorry it happened to you. Take care & be safe.

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    My my, what a bitter pill to swallow. Bad things happen to good people and I'm disappointed that life has these moments.

    I offer my thanks to you for making this post. You allow us to see that you are a trusting soul, we are allowed to see a total commitment, we witness you make yourself vulnerable and yet you have the courage to make this post.

    I for one am growing tired of witnessing the sad tale of human beings abusing each other. Dogs behave better than this. Pigs behave better than this.

    What to do? What to do depends on your disposition. Retribution can be had but at a cost. I'm angered that this jerk is still out there, pulling this shit, and depth charging peoples' souls as he slimes through life.

    Walk with your head up, we all make mistakes in judgment of the character of person. Bridle your trust -even tho doing so will increase your sense of isolation. Chose your friends carefully. If your sensors tell you to be alarmed...LISTEN to yourself. You do not need excuses to refuse to help. You not feeling right about it is enough.

    I loaned a beautiful 12 string guitar to a friend and got ripped off. I trusted another friend with a Gibson SG, a 1978 model, and got ripped off. I've trusted people with money, with love, with secrets, with every sort of thing and have been violated for the giving.

    I'm not saying to give up trusting and loving and hoping. Just learn to listen to yourself. Give your own sense of judgment some respect. In doing so you will soon find yourself in the rare company of those that do the same.

    The best to you.

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    Veteran Member Jeanette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Thanks you so much for the responses everyone!

    As I mentioned yesterday, I had been waiting for the police for 6 hours, and eventually had to tell them to not come because it was so late. I think my best bet would be to call again, the only problem is sitting around waiting for them all day is not an opotion today unless I skip work later.

    I haven't contacted him at all since calling the police, but he just sent me a text message saying "call him" about an hour ago. I just responded with a "why?" right now, maybe I shouldn't have? It's silly, but there's still wishful thinking on my part that he will feel remorse and just give me back the money. I don't think he's the most rational person, but at one time I thought he was a decent person. I don't think he personally would go ahead with any sort of violence, but the people he surrounds himself with may, I don't think they like the idea of "a rat". Not sure if that's what I would be considered if I go to the police for help?!?

    If I had a specific address for this guy it would be a lot easier to go ahead with something like small claims court. I don't though. Plus, I think he may have bad credit already.

    Anyway, I am feeling much more optimistic today. I guess whatever is meant to happen will happen. This situation is really hindering me from having the serene, trouble-free, healthy life that I want to have, but I won't just drop it either, as I don't see letting yourself be taken advantage of healthy in the long term either. I'm going to carry my phone and pepper spray with me, and maybe even my camera so I feel a little more prepared. I refuse to be scared. Thanks again!

  24. #24
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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    Can't speak for Canadian law, but in MA where I am a lawyer all you need for a restraining order is a reasonable fear for your safety, which need not be an explicit threat. If you are scared, and there is some reasonable basis for it (which I think there is here) then you can get a RO.

    I applaud your optimism Jeanette, but don't be a hero. Be safe.

    Siber
    "Maybe you'll ask me to come back again and
    Maybe I'll say.... Maybe"

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    Default Re: I'm Stupid! I Lent Money To Someone I Shouldn't have. Help!

    With regards to violence and retaliation, you wrote "but the people he surrounds himself with may" You also mentioned that he threated you (("To survive, lose my number", brought up my parents and called me a rat.)

    To be honest though, this is starting to sound like you've gotten involved with criminal types, and maybe they are the types who aren't going to be stopped by a restraining order. And the honest question is, are you truly naive that this guy and his ?friends? are not good people, or is the real story that you knew full well that these guys are fuckers, and somehow convinced yourself that he is different or did it because you wanted to benefit? I'm just wondering because personally I have absolutely no pity for men or women who befriend thugs and criminals with the intent of benefitting themselves (you also wrote "I was supposed to make more money off of the money I lent him,") and then end up screwed. I say good - they deserve to it for contributing to crime and the whole gangsta's-are-cool thing.

    Or maybe that's not the case, but you could see how adding it up it's starting to sound like you knew this guy and his friends are fuckers.

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