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Thread: Race, Relationships, advice?

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Race, Relationships, advice?

    I'm hoping to get some feedback here from you good people. I've been chatting with this guy. We met in treatment. We talk every day. He's sent me flowers twice in one week. He wants to really get to know me slowly and as a person, even so far as setting up a date in a town in between where we live so that we are less tempted to jump into bed right away.

    He lives in Dallas, so he's 3 hours away. We are really connecting, and we've never had more than a hug. So here's the dilemna. He's black. That's fine by me obviously, but if this does get serious and go somewhere, I know my family will not approve. I cannot change how they think about this, so there's no point in trying. It keeps coming across my mind, and I worry. If I really fall for him and we are together, then I will have to sever my family ties. It makes me not want to move forward with him.

    Has anyone been through this before? Any advice?

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    God/dess virgoamm's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Eesh, that's tough. If I were you, I'd follow my heart. One of my best friends is married and has a 6 month old and her husband is black. She was so afraid when they first got together what her father would think-she told me before that he was racist. He didn't approve at first, but when it became clear that she really loved him he eventually came around. And both of her parents love their grandbaby to death.

  3. #3
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    I would just see where it goes before you start to worry. NO use getting allworked up about your family accepting someone you may not want to be with yourself in a month or two.

    If it does turn into something serious you will have to decide. Yes, cutting ties with your family will be horrible. But it would be them cutting ties..not you. Woiuld it be worth giving up the love of your life just to cater to someone else's prejudice?

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    If they can't see past this to see you happy, I say piss on them. Just my $.02.
    "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by big_daddy View Post
    If they can't see past this to see you happy, I say piss on them. Just my $.02.
    Wow, that simple huh? I don't think I can do that. Its my family, they are deeply flawed, and I am not a baby, but if it were so easy, I'd have ditched them years ago, haha!

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Eep...no advice really for you here, Kat. It's kind of a sticky situation no matter how you look at it, but I'd agree with Cameron. I'd say don't fret over it unless things become more serious.

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    No I did not mean to make it sould like it was easy sorry, it would not be easy but really what else can you do, cut if off with him and always wonder what could have been or go for it and not care what they think.
    "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    I don't think you should worry about it until it gets serious. I don't know your family and how strongly against you going out with a black guy but if/when it happens probably best to be adult as you can about it and see what happens.

    Or you could make a deal that you wouldn't bring him over or to family functions. Sucks, but if it went further you could leave love behind or give up the family and neither are favorable outcomes.
    you live like an ivy vine
    you can only survive by clinging onto trees
    that's your flaw
    put down some roots so you can stand on your own
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  9. #9
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Yeah, it sucks. I've never worried about it before. But I'm not getting any younger here, haha.....its very early in the relationship, so its also a chance for me to not get in too deep.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Oh hun I wish I knew what to tell you. My family has been mixed for a VERY long time so I dunno who said what/felt what/did what back in the day. It IS early on in the relationship. I say just see how it goes for a while first. If it gets serious, tell him what you worry about and see what he thinks. From there? I really wish I knew what to say.
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    If your family is decent and you have good parents I would choose family first. They will be there for you. Some guys change girls like they change their socks. As for them not understanding you seem to feel they will be unreceptive. If your willing to give this guy a chance at least give your family the same chance to accept the situation. Good luck.

  12. #12
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    I totally agree with this.
    Im my life Ive had this sort of thing happen around me from time to time and the end result is that people come around.
    My own grandparents pretty much disowned my mum when she was pregnant with me because my dad is black - they got over it pretty quickly though!


    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    I would just see where it goes before you start to worry. NO use getting allworked up about your family accepting someone you may not want to be with yourself in a month or two.

    If it does turn into something serious you will have to decide. Yes, cutting ties with your family will be horrible. But it would be them cutting ties..not you. Woiuld it be worth giving up the love of your life just to cater to someone else's prejudice?

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    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Katrine, my only advice is to say that with every passing year, I have more regrets over the things I did not do or did not try to do, than over the things I've done.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Senior Member Buggs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Katrine, I can relate to your situation. You and I come from similar backgrounds, so our parents think alike about this issue. Unfortunately, this is cultural conditioning that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. My dad was in his 20's when he saw a black person for the first time. It's not that my parents are racists. They get along with black people just fine, but would never approve of a black person joining our family. I remember asking them (as a joke) what would happen if my sister married a black guy. Their reply was "she wouldn't dare do this to us. If she did, we would not go to the wedding and will never talk to her again". That's why when I was dating a black girl in college, I had to keep the relationship a secret. I didn't have the courage to introduce her to my family and eventually we broke up.

  15. #15
    Sitri
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    My advice has nothing to do with Race Creed or Color. I hear it is normal to connect with someone in a group just because people are going through shit together. There are a lot of emotions and common accomplishments and this leads to "connecting" with people who don't have things in common or aren't compatible in other ways.

    Sometimes, once the reason for connecting is over, i.e. you are through with the group or time has passed, you may look around and say, "What the fuck was I thinking? I would never have dated him if I hadn't been in this group or situation." By this post alone, it sounds like you may have doubts or questions so follow your head and not your heart of the moment. You are in the group for healing yourself not creating a long term relationship.

    Remember how important your family is to you. Think about the additional stress this new relationship will put on you. If this relationship doesn't work out who or what would you have left in life. Don't burn that family bridge...but most of all, don't risk burning yourself at this point
    in your life.

    This advice would be the same if he were a hot rich russian stud. Don't dip your love bucket in the counseling group well.

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    I'm hoping to get some feedback here from you good people. I've been chatting with this guy. We met in treatment. We talk every day. He's sent me flowers twice in one week. He wants to really get to know me slowly and as a person, even so far as setting up a date in a town in between where we live so that we are less tempted to jump into bed right away.

    He lives in Dallas, so he's 3 hours away. We are really connecting, and we've never had more than a hug. So here's the dilemna. He's black. That's fine by me obviously, but if this does get serious and go somewhere, I know my family will not approve. I cannot change how they think about this, so there's no point in trying. It keeps coming across my mind, and I worry. If I really fall for him and we are together, then I will have to sever my family ties. It makes me not want to move forward with him.

    Has anyone been through this before? Any advice?
    I've never been through it. I think I would proceed with caution. Give him a chance, and if he is made of the right stuff, only you can determine what you need.

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    God/dess Casual Observer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    I have to say I agree with Sitri here, Kat.

    Two cents.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post
    I have to say I agree with Sitri here, Kat.

    Two cents.
    Yeah, me too. However flawed and backwards their thinking may be, I don't think I would trash my relationship with my family for a man.

    150% agree with not dating someone from your group. That's too close for comfort.

    I have a deal with my man. Only one person allowed to be crazy at a time. Which means, when I'm panicking, he needs to be strong and vice versa. Too much in common can actually be a hinderance; especially when it comes to addictions.

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    We did not have a romance in the treatment place. We were just friends. The romance has blossomed long-distance afterwards.

    I don't know. He sent me flowers twice in a week. No one has ever done that for me. Maybe I'm feeling obligated? I'm already getting scared of a possible committment.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    I've been in your situation before. My advice would be to take the relationship extra slow, but don't hold back from him just because he's black.
    I've never been prejudice when it comes to dating. When I was younger, my dad was really hard on me about it. But being a Leo, I do things my way! So, as a grown woman, he accepts that I will be who I want to be with...his only hope is that I end up with a good man (Sure, he'd rather the man not be black, but he'd live with it if he was).
    Why don't you talk to your parents? My approach when I had my first long term black bf was suggesting to my parents that a black guy wanted to date me. I didn't straight up tell them "I have a black boyfriend". I led them into it very slowly, so it made them feel like I was kind of asking their approval first. You never know. Good luck, hope everything works out.

    Edit: If you feel like this could end up being a serious relationship, you should go ahead and start trieng to warm your parents up to it. You don't want to wait until it is serious, because then it will be harder to break it to them.

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    There is no warming it up to them. They will overreact, especially my mom. She is the more racist one, although she is the better person and parent.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    God/dess LuckiCharm's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    There is no warming it up to them. They will overreact, especially my mom. She is the more racist one, although she is the better person and parent.
    That really sucks...I'm sorry. I guess my parents aren't as extreme about it as yours. They were just a little weird about it at first. Have you brought up the fact that a black guy might be interested in you?
    A little trick I used to do in highschool (hehe hey, it worked!)- My mom was SO nosy. She would read little notes in my room, so I would make "fake notes" and lay them around, sure that she would read them. To convince her to accept my first black bf in school, I would make fake notes saying stuff like "yea, so & so is a really good guy, but my mom would never accept him...blah blah". But I'm sneaky like that...you gotta stay a step ahead of your parents!

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    Banned Katrine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Well, I'm 30 and have lived alone for years. My folks don't need to know about my sex and dating exploits. However, if this went somewhere serious long-term....so yeah, it would be a while before they need to know, but I'm thinking of pre-emptive actions now.

    Also, should I tell the guy about how my parents would feel about our dating?

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    While parents aren't always going to approve of the decisions made by their children, they generally do have unconditional love for them. Regardless of what happens, they will still be your parents and you their daughter. So while it may strain the relationship in the short term, they do eventually come around.

    Specific to the issue of race, from personal experience I'd suggest you not to expect the prejudiced views of your parents to change. However, it's very possible for them to make an exception and accept him as a person and somewhat overlook the color of his skin.

    In the end, you have to do what makes you happy. If we all pandered to the wishes of our parents, there would be a heck of a lot more arranged marriages in the world.

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    Default Re: Race, Relationships, advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by Katrine View Post
    Well, I'm 30 and have lived alone for years. My folks don't need to know about my sex and dating exploits. However, if this went somewhere serious long-term....so yeah, it would be a while before they need to know, but I'm thinking of pre-emptive actions now.

    Also, should I tell the guy about how my parents would feel about our dating?
    If you really feel like you want to have a relationship with him, I would tell him how your parents feel. Maybe he'll have some advice or ideas.
    Maybe you could introduce him to your family as a "friend". Let them get to know him as a person, and as your friend. Then maybe later on let them know you two care about eachother and want to persue a relationship. If they refuse to accept it, then they're just going to have to deal with it. If they choose to be so prejudice that they'll give up their relationship with you because of who you love, that's their own loss.

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