I have been done stripping for a very long time now. Probably more than a year. I haven't worked for shit in the past year. After I got over my slump and depression, I worked a few days, maade really decent money.....but I never went back.
I'm just finished, and I have been refusing to accept that fact. It's scary to give up the freedom and the money, but I've hated dancing for quite some time. All I'm doing by refusing to acknowledge this is just being lazy and not bringing in any money. Most weekends I get ready for work but don't leave the house. Some days I actually leave and drive past, but don't go in. twice now I have actually parked my car and gone in, only to walk back out.
There is just not any aspect of dancing appealing enough to make me want to be there.
I don't want to give dances, I don't want to show my body, I don't want to sit and have fake interest in people, I just want to be real, and do what I want to be doing.
Now that I'm pregnant, the not wanting to give lapdances and show off my body is even worse. I don't want random men looking at me as a sex object, the thought grosses me out. And I don't want them trying to grab my tits. I'm really scared they are gonna try to touch my boobs, and they are very sore.
My boyfriend thinks I'm just a lazy shit because I never work. It's not that I'm lazy, really. It's just that I don't want to strip, but I can't let it go to get a different job. He pushes me a lot to strip to, and I don't want to give it up because it's what he wants me to be doing, although right now he'd be happy if I did anythign to generate income.
All of this is irrelevant now, cause my strippign time is very limited, but it would be very good of me to dance and work hard in the next few months, save the money so I can just take it easy after my time is up, but I just cannot make myself go in.
But at the same time, I'm scared of a real job. I'm starting school in a month. How can I hold down a real job with an 8 hour day, plus be in school, plus be pregnant? Wouldn't it be easier to just dance hard now and not worry later? Then why can't I make myself do it? Nothing in the world can get me back in that club. I even got my hair done, I feel sexy and pretty again, btu still, that isn't enough. Nothign is a strong enough motivator to make me want to be there. I'm just finsihed. I've tried to hold on to long.
So I think this is it. I got to stop wasting my tiem holding on to this, and focus my energy on finding a job before I can't get hired anywhere. It's certainly not fair of my boyfriend to support me this much, with no contribution from me. It's not fair of me to get mad when he bitches. He has a right to bitch, it's got to be frustraing to him to go to work every night when I just sit home and do nothing. I haven't even modeled since May, since my hair got cut. I was abtou to start scheduling shoots again, but now I can only schedule for the next month or 2.
So I guess tomorrow or Monday I'll start callign bars and see if any openings for bartender, calling strip clubs and see if they need waitresses....I've applied at all the casinos but I've burned my bridges with the best ones already. I was gonna apply for nursing jobs but honestly, a nursing job combined with school just won't work. It'll be to much.
So I think this is my Retired post. Scary.


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