10. He sees to it that everything about your relationship can be defined by the word decadence…but he also grew up in the outdoors and promises to quell your camping and hiking jones when the whim strikes…(particularly if it can be done somewhere in wine country!)
9. He is more intrigued than horrified by your Checkered Past, has no trace of contempt for women nor of a Madonna-whore complex, and you know without question that he does not judge you harshly for any of your more terrible past pursuits…Furthermore, he has a bit of a Mysterious Past himself, which keeps you intrigued and, in a strange way, helps you to understand him better, though you are careful not to ask too many questions…
8. In contrast to the Dark Side you’ve come to know and love, he’s actually got a gentle, patient, playful nature that makes him an excellent friend, a devoted dad, and generally great with animals and children…
7. He is so generous in so many ways that you sometimes wonder what, exactly, he requires in return…and you are continually amazed to find that there is no dark side to his generosity. He sticks with you through some very difficult times, and even when things get rough, he never, ever plays that the hand that any lesser man would.
6. Despite having MUCH more important things to worry about (like business meetings with people most of us only hear about in the news), he makes it a point to know your class schedule, keep track of what’s going on in your life, send good-luck text messages before your exams, ask how it went later, and assure you that even though you think you tanked it, you probably got the highest grade in the class, just like last time…He makes sure you are the last person he talks to before sleep almost every night…and you find that he's the first person you think of every morning...
5. He understands the primal power of mate feeding, knows that your secret dream is to ditch biology and get a culinary degree in Hyde Park or Paris or Tuscany, and goes to great lengths to indulge your wildest epicurian and oenological fantasies. He feeds you ten-course tasting menus at some of the most serious restaurants on the planet, where each thing out of the kitchen is more impressive than the last: osetra caviar with freshly-made blini and a creamy cauliflower mousse (sounds strange but tastes insanely delicious)… escargots in garlic custard…softshell crab with corn veloute…veal steak and sweetbreads in chanterelle sauce...raspberry vacherin…chocolate-nutella souffles…He feeds you thick Niman ranch steaks at Vongerichten’s steakhouses…He gives you your first taste of foie gras, and skate in a white wine-caviar sauce, at Scott Bryan’s Veritas [anyone who has read Kitchen Confidential will understand the meaning of this for a chef groupie]…He blows your mind with last-minute reservations at Piero Selvaggio’s Valentino, where you have what is quite simply the best meal of your life: Culatello, “the King of Prosciutto”, with parmigiano-reggiano crackers & some kind of crazy Italian candied fruit; pasta with fresh white truffles; and then, the best-tasting thing you have ever put in your mouth: beet-and-potato gnocchi, lightly glazed in a butternut squash sauce so delicate and perfect that you seriously consider licking every last bit out of the bowl (it sounds so simple, but the deliciousness is impossible to describe), plus a buttery-soft filet mignon in a lovely rich sauce that, despite its fabulousness, is forever overshadowed by the memory of those exquisite little gnocchi…and with it all, a fine prosecco to start, and then a 1971 Barolo that opens up beautifully throughout the meal….Of course, everything is made more delicious by the sweet & devout & undivided affection of the Man, not to mention the fact that you are still basking in the sublime afterglow of your very first full-on, soul-shaking, mind-bending, body-wrenching, sheet-soaking true g-spot orgasm, achieved during a particularly dirty little roleplay scenario just hours before....
(Forgive me, guys. But Anthony Bourdain says that food is the new porn, and I totally agree!)
4. When, feeling a little over-the-hill, and knowing his fondness for young beautiful women, you tell him that if you had three wishes one would be the ability to morph at will into any woman of any age for 24 hour time increments, to enhance game playing and stave off boredom on his part….He says, quite sincerely and unexpectedly, “I’d rather just have you.”
3. His cock fits your ladybits so well it’s ridiculous: you joke that they may, in fact, have taken secret vows of matrimony and conspired to keep you together through difficult times. (“We don’t care if you guys hate each other, there’s no way we’re calling it quits…so you’d better find some way to work it out!”) Straight fucking, which you’ve always enjoyed but often thought was more about the man’s pleasure, is now pure bliss in any position. It’s honestly a little spooky.
2. He is by far the best lover you have ever had; no one else even comes close. For reasons that range from the obvious to the complicated, he gets you hot like no one else ever has—so hot you can’t see straight, so fucking hot that your entire body becomes that delicious hotsweet&salty sensation that begins in the place where your legs meet the rest of you….And every time you tell him that your body isn’t capable of doing something (g-spot o’s, squirting, multiples, cumming while fucking, etc), he manages, through masterful skill, uncommon knowledge, intense determination, and pure psychosexual genius, to prove you absolutely, 100%, dead fucking WRONG….much to your wild delight and eternal gratitude…
And the number 1 Indication that You’ve found the Perfect Man:
1. After proving you wrong about the things you thought your body couldn’t do, he steps up his game even further, does some shit you don’t even begin to understand, and shows you that your body can do things you never even dreamed of, working you in ways you can’t even get your mind around, everything building until you are completely lost, entirely out of control, keening and thrashing and riding wave after wave of pleasure so intense that it nearly borders on pain...You wonder if it’s possible to actually go crazy from feeling too good, from pleasure so exquisitely excruciating—or you would wonder that, if you were capable of any kind of coherent thought at all at that point…Afterwards, you cannot speak for nearly an hour…You laugh and tremble while he holds you, but you cannot get the words to come to ask, “What the hell was that!?”…You don’t think it can get any better than this, but now you know that with him, anything is possible….
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(Note to Djoser: Yes, his prose may run to the purple at times, but make no mistake--The Man speaks the Truth!)
oh. And HAPPY (almost) BIRTHDAY, BABY!!!!
you know i love you….



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