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Thread: Assbackwards Man

  1. #1
    Alaska
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    Default Assbackwards Man

    Okay, here is a hilarious n original blog entry that I came across. Please do take the time to read it... credit goes out to the stranger in some midwestern city...don't want to name names because the internet can be a small world! Here goes:


    Backasswards Man (Episode 1)

    (A dramatization of last night)

    I went out for coffee with a friend. I have no connection to her day-to-day life, but every couple of months we get together or talk on the phone for a long time. She did a lot of sharing and unburdening, I did a lot of nodding and supporting. When I got home I was vaguely frustrated and had trouble sleeping.

    ME (to myself): Dude, why am I so vaguely frustrated and having trouble sleeping?

    [Trumpets blare, and a man resembling me in a cape and mask leaps out of my bathroom.]

    BM: This looks like a job for...Backasswards Man!

    ME: [Raising eyebrow, waiting for explanation]

    BM: Backasswards Man travels the world showing people that no matter how simple or straightforward something is, you can always find a way to fuck it up by doing it [strikes heroic pose] backasswards.

    ME: That is without a doubt the best superhero mission ever.

    BM: Indeed! I also do battle with the evil Nuclear Potato, and am always accompanied by my loyal sidekick, Action Bear. [An adorable teddy bear dressed like a Spartan soldier steps out of the bathroom.]

    ME: Well, I definitely do a lot of things backasswards.

    BM: No shit! You're a fucking backasswards factory. But I'm here tonight to tell you why you're frustrated with your social life, and to provide a humorous means of talking about your feelings, because although you're secretly an emotional junkie you can't stand self-absorbed people who bitch about them and don't want to appear as such to the two paltry people who actually read this blog.

    ME: Okay then. Why am I frustrated with my social life?

    BM: You're frustrated because in the past, even when you were single, you had a group of people you could just hang out with. Since returning to St. Louis, you've yet to find one, but it was okay because you had a girlfriend and could do things with the people that did things with her. But now, all you have is 6-7 friends, disconnected from each other, who do dinner or coffee with you every now and then and talk about deep things and then disappear for months.

    ME: Yeah...but having substantive interactions with my friends is important, isn't it?

    BM: It sure is, but so is having a sense of continuity and sharing activities as well as conversations. Most people find it easier to make friends to do things with and struggle to derive enough emotional content from their friendships, but you have done it [strikes heroic pose] backasswards!

    ME: Wow, now that I think about it, I totally am lonely because I don't have anyone to just go have a drink or watch a movie with. I guess I better go gouge my intestines out with a claw hammer.

    BM: [Laughs heartily] Now, there's no need to turn into a Dashboard Confessional song. You must be doing something valuable if all these friends are willing to constantly have emotional one night stands with you--even though they always get way more out of it than you do because you think about things so damn much that sharing is rarely as revelatory or cathartic as it is for them and therefore they're totally unequal relationships--and everyone goes through dry spells in their social life. I'm sure you'll find some people to hang out with soon.

    ME: And if I can't get into a clique on my own...I can just sleep my way into one like last time!

    BM: That's the spirit!

    AB: [Raising sword, exclaiming in adorable teddy bear voice] Action Bear!

    ME: Wow, thanks, Backasswards Man. I'm sure glad you came by.

    BM: Don't thank me. Thank the colossal commitment to backassitude with which you live your life. [Strikes heroic pose, exit BM and AB]

  2. #2
    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Assbackwards Man

    Hahahahaha!!

    That was great.

    When is episode II coming?
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

  3. #3
    Alaska
    Guest

    Default Re: Assbackwards Man

    I will have to bug him if I don't see it in a week! Did u not LOL at the Dashboard Confessional part...or the "I'll just sleep my way into one like last time!"

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