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Thread: my Dad, Multiple Sclerosis, and guilt

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    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default my Dad, Multiple Sclerosis, and guilt

    My Dad has multiple sclerosis and he's in a wheelchair. All my life I've lived in the same state as him and we're close.
    Toward the end of my years dancing, I began to spiral down into a dangerous path where I was drinking and taking anti-anxiety meds together to quell the debilitating anxiety I had about the job. Stripping became something that was not good for me, the drinking brought me a DUI, but nevertheless I could not break free of the job and my habits surrounding it. I finally moved to California with the guy I've been dating for 3 years. He lived with me in Massachusetts for awhile and hated it. Similar to my situation, there were no decent opportunities for him either. So we left and with a ton of hard work, actually ended up making decent lives for ourselves here. My Dad and the rest of my family (aside from my brother and my Dad's brother who constantly give me guilt trips about my move to Cali) are very happy for me. Upon moving here, I managed to straighten out my life and finally break my stripping cycle and the habits that centered around it. I finally like myself and my life again.

    One month after I left Massachusetts to move to Cali, my Dad's M.S. relapsed into a progressive phase. He lives by himself in an assisted living community and has a nurse visit him twice a day. When he is alone he smokes marijuana to "help the tremors" from the M.S., but he is a hard core addict who smokes all day every day, and sometimes makes himself physically sick. His brother (my uncle) and his wife are always the ones to go and clean up the mess, and sometimes they tell me that it is downright unsanitary. When he smokes, he loses all motivation to care for himself, forgets to use his catheter, and sometimes falls asleep and falls out of his wheelchair.

    You can imagine my guilt for being across the country when all this is going on.

    My uncle believes that my father would be more capable of taking care of himself if he were not so stoned all of the time. He also has dementia with the MS, and the smoking makes him even more forgetful. Finally, my Dad has admitted he needs to stop the 40 years of being a burner. To help him, I called his doctor to see what kind of help my Dad would need to quit his addiction. I could tell immediately that the doctor didn't like me. I am sure he thinks me being away from my father in his condition is a really shitty thing because he abruptly told me that he felt the weed wasn't the problem. He felt my Dad needs support to help him. He also said he believes he should to go to a rest home for people with M.S., and then told me the MS would eventually kill my Dad and that didn't seem too far off. I didn't ask him to specify. He told me this and our conversation was over in 2 minutes.
    So what do I do? Do I give up my life, my job, my relationship and go back and do what my brother and uncle want me to do and just live in Massachusetts? There were no opportunuties for me there but right now I feel guilty for even thinking about me. I feel so fucked up and sad and confused. I know going back to Mass could eventually bring me back to dancing and back to a life that was not beneficial for me mentally or physically.
    My dad and I communicate every day and he believes I should stay here and live the life I have worked so hard for. He fully supports me but, I just don't know what to do.
    Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

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    Default Re: my Dad, Multiple Sclerosis, and guilt

    This is such a tough situation and I have no answers for you, but you're not alone. My Mom has MS too. I live in New Mexico and she lives in Vermont. That doctor doesn't know you or the reality of your relationship with your father. My mother is passionately adamant that I live my life to the fullest, see the world, and take good care of myself. It sounds like your father feels the same way toward you. How could you want any less for your child when you truly love them? There are nuances to these situations that are impossible for outsiders to see.

    I understand the guilt completely. I've held it since I was young when my mother was first diagnosed. How can I be vibrant and healthy when my mother has so much suffering? It took a long time for me to recognize and work through that but it still flares up from time to time. Think about it from your father's perspective, what do you think he really wants, a daughter who is thriving and rebuilding her life far away, or one who is physically close but is sad and fighting her demons daily?

    Your strength and support will help your Dad, but his addiction is his own and something your physical presence will not likely change. I wish you the best of luck in working through this.

  3. #3
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: my Dad, Multiple Sclerosis, and guilt

    Your dad recognizes that he raised you to seek the best life you can. It was highly unprofessional and rude of his doctor to horn in like that. My mother has struggled with panic attacks and alcoholism ever since I moved out, and I'm sure she'd be a lot better if I was still in Memphis, but so what? That is HER problem, not mine, and I am under no obligation to sacrifice my life and my goals just because she's a drunk. Similarly, you need to live your life and let your dad live his. You don't have to be in Massachusetts to support him, and he seems to know that.

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    Featured Member Kaiyla's Avatar
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    Default Re: my Dad, Multiple Sclerosis, and guilt

    Thanks for the thoughts, guys. I know that it is true-I have to dow what makes me happy and being out here really does. I think it'd be different if I called his doc and the doc said my father only has one year left to live. Then I know I would have to go back to MA.

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    Default Re: my Dad, Multiple Sclerosis, and guilt

    You communicate every day, and that is pretty supportive, IMHO. My neighbor's daughter lives right across the street and never speaks to her mom, ever. Her mom has lupus, so the situation is similar.

    So you can live in the same city and not be supportive. Being where YOU are not a worry for your dad is probably more supportive than being geographically close to him and breaking down yourself so you are no
    help to either of you.

    It does sound like your dad needs to be in a facility with a greater degree of care, such as a rest home. Is he agreeable to doing that? Is Massachusetts one of the states where the medicinal use of marijuana is legal?

    A possible alternative would be home care nursing. Medicare will pay for a home care nurse to come in two or three times a day if the doctor prescribes it.

    BTW, I think your dad might want to consider a different doctor. If you and he agree that your being in another state is the best thing, it is none of the doctor's business where you live.

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