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Thread: man jokes

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Bellona's Avatar
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    Default man jokes

    Men are like..... Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
    Men are like..... Blenders.
    You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

    Men are like..... Snowstorms.
    You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

    Men are like..... Used Cars.
    Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

    Men are like..... Commercials.
    You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like..... Computers.
    Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

    Men are like..... Coolers.
    Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

    Men are like..... Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

    Men are like..... Bananas.
    The older they get, the less firm they are.

  2. #2
    God/dess Lysondra's Avatar
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    Default Re: man jokes

    Men are like coffee... they have a spoon in them. (...? Nobody? Shit.)


    Look like a woman
    Think like a man
    Act like a lady
    Work like a dog

    - My Great Grandmother Bessie's Recipe for Success

  3. #3
    God/dess LuckiCharm's Avatar
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    Default Re: man jokes

    Haha! I hope you don't mind...I wanna post these on myspace!!!

  4. #4
    God/dess Dottie Rebel's Avatar
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    Default Re: man jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    Men are like coffee... they have a spoon in them. (...? Nobody? Shit.)
    Eddie Izzard! *swoonsplodedie*

  5. #5
    Senior Member Jade Danger's Avatar
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    Default Re: man jokes

    if a man is right and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

  6. #6
    God/dess Silverback's Avatar
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    Default Re: man jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Jade Danger View Post
    if a man is right and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
    Yes! Always!! Never right!!! Cause he's a man. Get it? It's a good one.
    "He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!"

  7. #7
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    Default Re: man jokes

    I was going to try and defend my sex, but then I realized--how can one really defend perfection when one is so modest?
    JK Jim

  8. #8
    God/dess Bella21's Avatar
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    Default Re: man jokes

    Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

  9. #9
    God/dess MojoJojo's Avatar
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    Default Re: man jokes

    Hope these are worth it...I didn't read them...

    Men's Translation Guide For Women
    "I'm going fishing."
    Really means...

    "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."



    "It's a guy thing."

    Really means....

    "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."



    "Can I help with dinner?"

    Really means....

    "Why isn't it already on the table?"



    "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."

    Really means....

    Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.


    "It would take too long to explain."

    Really means...

    "I have no idea how it works."


    "I'm getting more exercise lately."

    Really means....

    "The batteries in the remote are dead."


    "We're going to be late."

    Really means....

    "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."


    "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."

    Really means....

    "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."


    "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

    Really means....

    "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


    "That's interesting, dear."

    Really means....

    "Are you still talking?"


    "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."

    Really means....

    "I forgot our anniversary again."


    "You expect too much of me."

    Really means....

    "You want me to stay awake."


    "It's a really good movie."

    Really means....

    "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."


    "That's women's work."

    Really means....

    "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."


    "Will you marry me?"

    Really means....

    "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."


    "You know how bad my memory is."

    Really means....

    "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


    "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

    Really means....

    "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


    "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

    Really means....

    "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."


    "I do help around the house."

    Really means....

    "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."


    "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

    Really means....

    "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."


    "I can't find it."

    Really means....

    "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."


    "What did I do this time?"

    Really means....

    "What did you catch me doing?"


    "She's one of those rabid feminists."

    Really means....

    "She refused to make my coffee."


    "I heard you."

    Really means....

    "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."


    "You know I could never love anyone else."

    Really means....

    "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."


    "You look terrific."

    Really means....

    "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."


    "I brought you a present."

    Really means....

    "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."


    "I missed you."

    Really means....

    "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."


    "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

    Really means....

    "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."


    "We share the housework."

    Really means....

    "I make the messes, you clean them up."


    "This relationship is getting too serious."

    Really means....

    "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."


    "I don't need to read the instructions."

    Really means....

    "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."


    "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."

    Really means....

    "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."


    "I broke up with her."

    Really means....

    "She dumped me."
    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
    -Humphrey Bogart

    "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
    -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
    "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
    -His reply

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
    -David Daye

  10. #10
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    Default Re: man jokes

    @Barry21
    You can't love something you think is flawless - me


  11. #11
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    Default Re: man jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Jade Danger View Post
    if a man is right and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
    Straight up siggie, Jade D!

    Thanks...

  12. #12
    Senior Member Jade Danger's Avatar
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    Default Re: man jokes

    oh yay i got siggied. took me a moment to figure out what that was but i did and its fabtastic

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