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Thread: How do you keep your spirits up?

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    Default How do you keep your spirits up?

    I was in a laundramat this afternoon, and a young (probably high school age) mother was folding clothes, and her two year-old was running around her. He was a sweet kid, not acting up, but she treated him like an inconvenience; I couldn't see them over a row of washers, but at one point he started to wail and she said, "I didn't even touch you," and a moment later, he started wailing louder and she said, "Now you have something to cry about" -- I assumed she'd hit him or shaken him. There was something dark about this--I'm not getting it across right--it was like she was going to SHOW him (a two year old!) I went over at that point, told her it looked like she needed some help, and I helped her take the laundry out, just to try and get her temper down. I told her the boy seemed like a nice kid, and that maybe she needed to be more patient with him. She said "he's a nice kid sometimes," in a sour way, and then her boyfriend, perhaps the father, came up to the car--the guy was all done up in his fancy clothes, didn't even say hello to the kid, but got in the car, waiting for the woman to drive him wherever they were going. The kid was treated like some afterthought, and a chill went through me, wondering what his life was like at home.

    I got the license plate of the car, and reported what I'd seen, and I've had two calls back from the police on it, so something is up with the case. The last officer I spoke with told me he will call back and give me an idea of what is happening soon. A couple of months ago I went through a similar scenario, after seeing a woman yank at her kid's arm so hard it looked like it would go out of the socket. I hate like hell to see kids go through this stuff, and I always get involved, but I spin into despair afterward, sickened by the sad lives some kids have and the way some selfish parents treat them like an inconvenience. I'm wondering what SW readers do to recover your own spirit after you've seen some injustice, or sadness like this--what do you do to pull yourselves out of the sadness you sometimes see in the world? This might be a dumb question--maybe there isn't much you can do, I don't know. I'm having a tough night, thinking of that poor kid.
    JK Jim

  2. #2
    madmaxine
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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    Quote Originally Posted by jhuka View Post
    I was in a laundramat this afternoon, and a young (probably high school age) mother was folding clothes, and her two year-old was running around her. He was a sweet kid, not acting up, but she treated him like an inconvenience; I couldn't see them over a row of washers, but at one point he started to wail and she said, "I didn't even touch you," and a moment later, he started wailing louder and she said, "Now you have something to cry about" -- I assumed she'd hit him or shaken him. There was something dark about this--I'm not getting it across right--it was like she was going to SHOW him (a two year old!) I went over at that point, told her it looked like she needed some help, and I helped her take the laundry out, just to try and get her temper down. I told her the boy seemed like a nice kid, and that maybe she needed to be more patient with him. She said "he's a nice kid sometimes," in a sour way, and then her boyfriend, perhaps the father, came up to the car--the guy was all done up in his fancy clothes, didn't even say hello to the kid, but got in the car, waiting for the woman to drive him wherever they were going. The kid was treated like some afterthought, and a chill went through me, wondering what his life was like at home.
    The last time I felt this way was when I was walking through the double doors of the hospital (on the way to have scans of my ovaries and uterus, which have gone kaput.) A woman my age was pushing a stroller though the doors at the same time and she had the most ugly look on her face as she snapped at her BABY, "Go on, go on, I hear your crying!" I was dumbfounded. I was coming into be told I couldn't have kids & this piece of shit was pushing her kid out the door and to God knows what kind of home.

    The thing that makes me feel better is 1) knowing I'll speak up when I see outrageous abuses in public & 2) I know I survived some horrible things as a kid & turned out half-way normal. I feel most children have the potential to overcome abuse and have happy lives.

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    I keep my spirits up by thanking god i can
    *see
    *hear
    *walk
    *touch
    *feel
    *think

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    Thanks you guys. Madmaxine, I'll never forget your story, and thank you for sharing it. I guess we have to keep looking for the light, and, in the best way we can, look out for kids who are lost to adult indifference.
    JK Jim

  5. #5
    High_Heel_Lover
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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    AS a mom it is hard for people to see you with your kids 24 hrs a day. YOu have good moments, bad moment, people only see you at a small time in the day or in life and if you are having a bad moment then that is what you are judge for.

    I am not saying it is correct to hit a child, I don't hit my kids but I have had moments of yelling, and wanting to pull my hair out, having my kids have a tantrum because they are angry and don't comunicate well and it's their way of expressing anger, wanting attention.

    WE are not supermothers, we are human, we make mistakes, we learn, no one is perfect and I bet that mother later on said when her baby was sleeping "oh I love you so much but man you are a handful at times" I know I do.

    It is nice that you watch out for children and their safety, it's wonderful that people care. One never knows what is in the mind and life of a person, a death, problems at home, money stress, depression, and having a child not being more than "idea" at those times can become even more stressful.

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    I know exactly what you mean, HHL. I helped bring up a sibling and have nephews that I help care for--and I know that sometimes for mothers it can be overwhelming, and that you have days when you can hardly think. This and the other situation were different, and I can't quite explain it except to say that it was clear that the boys in these cases were treated with a kind of vindictiveness...like, why in the hell are you in my world? That's when I start to worry--there is a dark line that gets crossed, and the kids are not merely driving you nuts but are IN THE WAY, and you can feel this attitude from the parent like, my life would be so much better without you in it.

    So I know exactly what you're telling me, and I'm very much mindful of it. I won't watch any kid get hit without reacting in some way, of course, but when I see the kid getting blamed for existing, I guess that's where I step in and let someone know who can intervene and help. I'm hoping, as I discussed with the officer in charge of the case, that these parents can be called to some responsibility, but I have to admit, I don't hold out much hope. I wish I could be more optimistic about it. But I sure don't want to come across as a moral policeman here. I know that being a mother is the toughest job of all, hands down. This was, at least from my vantage point, a much different situation and I do fear for the kid. I am a teacher, and I've seen the end results of children who did not feel wanted, and to me that is the message this boy was getting--as serious a thing, more serious, than the hitting.
    Last edited by jhuka; 08-18-2007 at 11:40 AM.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    god, i wish i could remember the exact story one of my professors told me. he said he saw a child being yanked around in a grocery store, and he went up to the mother and started pretending like he knew them, and then made up a story about how he worked for social services and scared the shit out of the mom. i wish i could remember, it would be so fitting for this thread. sorry

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    Featured Member NatalieFRPhilly's Avatar
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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    In reguards to keeping my spirits up about all the horrible parents in the world? I think about good parents, my sister, my mother, some women and men I've met in life. I also think about nice people like you that are trying to help other people, or the fact that people like britt are studying to help people in those situations.

    I don't know what else to do except for what you did.

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    ^ hey, thanks! i get really sad sometimes because i see it soooo much. i have to try so hard to separate my every day life from what i do when i'm in school. i was watching the messangers the other day and at the beginning, the camera is looking down on this little boy crying right before he gets killed, and i got really sad. its a scary movie, for petes sake, and here i am thinking how sad it is for something bad to happen to a child. its not normal, haha.

    it makes me feel good to see all the people around me when i go to school who want to help people like this, too. i had to take a community service class last semester, and we were put into groups to do 40-60 hours of work at different organizations, such as art with a heart (http://www.artwithaheart.net/about.html), hospitals (specifically working with ill children and their families), habitat for humanity, a school/housing facility for severely troubled adolescents, and my group did an elementary school in a lower class area. it both breaks my heart and makes me happy at the same time to be in these situations. on the last day of class each group had to give a presentation, and it was just so amazing how everyone had so much pride for how we helped out. we felt like we were only doing such small things but it made such a difference in these childrens lives. so i try to remember that. if i can be a bright spot in a child's day, even if they have to go home to a bad situation, well, i did what i could.

    i put too much of myself into the work i do, and its hard. i used to work 10 or more hour days at a preschool because the few kids who were last to be picked up wanted me to wait with them, and i could never say no. man.. i dont even know where im going with this post, haha, but i know how you feel. to keep your spirits up, volunteering for a program like the ones i listed or doing some other kind of work like that really does help. it makes you feel so good to know that you made a child happy or forget their problems for a minute.

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    Quote Originally Posted by britt244 View Post
    god, i wish i could remember the exact story one of my professors told me. he said he saw a child being yanked around in a grocery store, and he went up to the mother and started pretending like he knew them, and then made up a story about how he worked for social services and scared the shit out of the mom. i wish i could remember, it would be so fitting for this thread. sorry
    That was a clever professor, Britt--I see what he was doing, in trying to find the name out first. I waited to get the license plate, which worked, but I can see how in the professor's case he was probably able to get a lot of information that he was able to present later to the authorities. That would be a smart way to handle it, though I get so worked up seeing these things I don't know if I would be a good enough actor to pull it off.

    And Natalie, thank you for this: I'm going to take your advice and think of the parents I know who are wonderful, and there are many. Thank you both very much.
    JK Jim

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    Quote Originally Posted by jhuka View Post
    That was a clever professor, Britt--I see what he was doing, in trying to find the name out first. I waited to get the license plate, which worked, but I can see how in the professor's case he was probably able to get a lot of information that he was able to present later to the authorities. That would be a smart way to handle it, though I get so worked up seeing these things I don't know if I would be a good enough actor to pull it off.
    yes, thats what it was! he didnt pretend to work for them, he just pretended to know them and got their info and then reported them. and told the mother he was going to do it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by High_Heel_Lover View Post
    AS a mom it is hard for people to see you with your kids 24 hrs a day. YOu have good moments, bad moment, people only see you at a small time in the day or in life and if you are having a bad moment then that is what you are judge for.

    I am not saying it is correct to hit a child, I don't hit my kids but I have had moments of yelling, and wanting to pull my hair out, having my kids have a tantrum because they are angry and don't comunicate well and it's their way of expressing anger, wanting attention.

    WE are not supermothers, we are human, we make mistakes, we learn, no one is perfect and I bet that mother later on said when her baby was sleeping "oh I love you so much but man you are a handful at times" I know I do.

    It is nice that you watch out for children and their safety, it's wonderful that people care. One never knows what is in the mind and life of a person, a death, problems at home, money stress, depression, and having a child not being more than "idea" at those times can become even more stressful.
    Very true! I can recall my dad yanking me by the arm on an escalator in a mall when I was a kid. My dad rarely did anything like that, but to an outsider I'm sure he looked like a total asshole. However, I deserved it! I was acting like a little brat. Same goes for when my mom got so mad she slapped me across the face as a teenager. I'm not saying if you see someone doing something like that in public it's not abuse, but you never know the whole story.

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    Quote Originally Posted by FrustratedBunny View Post
    Very true! I can recall my dad yanking me by the arm on an escalator in a mall when I was a kid. My dad rarely did anything like that, but to an outsider I'm sure he looked like a total asshole. However, I deserved it! I was acting like a little brat. Same goes for when my mom got so mad she slapped me across the face as a teenager. I'm not saying if you see someone doing something like that in public it's not abuse, but you never know the whole story.
    In the case of the arm, it wasn't a father trying to keep a child from messing around on an escalator...it was a four year boy walking in a store with an older woman who kept telling him he was a jerk when he spoke to her; when he reached up to take her hand she grabbed the arm and jerked it so hard that (having a little medical training) I wondered if there would be damage. She took satisfaction from his wailing--you could see this in her face. The second case, in the laundramat yesterday, was very similar. In the first case the police could not tell me what happened, but it was clear that something serious was going on; I hope that is not true with this second case--that maybe these parents will think a little more about what they are doing with the kid before hurting him--at age two--more.

    So these both I think were different cases than fear on the escalator or anger at a teenager. To my mind, there is no amount of frustration on the part of an adult that justifies violence toward a kid...we're the adults, right? So we're the ones who need to control our emotions if we're frustrated. I've been at that point with children where I needed to walk away, breathe...everybody gets there. But I wouldn't think of hitting them. What do we teach them when we do this? That if you're frustrated you take it out on someone who is defenseless and "show them who is boss"? That's what I felt was happening in both these cases, and why I felt I had to step in. I truly wasn't trying to step into other lives and tell them how to live--I was concerned, in both cases, for the well-being of the kids.

    Anyway, FB, I have a feeling if you had been there you might have had the same reaction as I did--both situations went right to the gut. I probably do take these things too hard...though when it involves kids I can't help it.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    I think there's a difference in an overwhelmed parent making a knee-jerk reaction to misbehavior by being rough (e.g. correcting a kid fooling around on an escalator), and one where a child is acting within the range of normal behavior and the parent actively wants to hurt them. This kind of thing is hard to watch, especially if you grew up experiencing things like that in your own home, and it sucks to think that there's another kid who might fight against his childhood and turn out normal--or they might just end up caving into it and continuing the pattern themselves. There are a lot of shitty people out there. I guess the way to fight it would be to a) speak up when you see it happening, making sure the parent knows he or she has been observed and that their behavior is unacceptable, b) report it, and c) if you're of a mind, contribute in some small way to a child you know could use some help in being around adults who don't victimize them.

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    High_Heel_Lover
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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    You follow your instincts, if something tells you something is wrong trust it, if it's a misunderstanding then at least you did what you thought was best for the child. I just wanted to explain as a mom people have a view or a perception that we have a child and are granted patience and mothering skills and it's not like that, it's learned! lol

    I've had my baby have a fit! a fit! at a store and I didn't cuddle him, or talk to him because I know him he does it for attention and people looked at m like "OMG look at her she is neglecting that poor little angel" nope he wanted a toy and I said no but the looks odd disgust and horror made me smile cause I said "oh if you only knew"

    Now in Newark NJ once I was waiting for a bus and this woman was dragging her kid by the shirt and said "I told you little fucker to hurry the fuck up :smacks him on the head: if we miss the bus I ain't getting you shit from the store" now this I could not tolerate. I said "I'm sorry are you ok?" just like you try to help the situation, not aggravate it by saying "hey you fucking ass wtf is your problem?" like I felt like doing. She said "ugh he's just impossible sometimes" I said "I know they are a handful, believe me I know but I have a game to get them out of my house ready and on time" she said "a game?" I said "I tell them we leave in a few minutes, who ever gets ready on time, shoes toys away and other stuff gets a sticker! and a balloon!" I keep them in stock lol if they aren't ready by the time I need to leave they don't get anything, no prize and tell them if they so it better next time they get a double prize so try harder next time. They love this game and it keeps me sane she said "thank you I will try that next time"

    It's just so hard to deal with things like this from both angels but I encourage people to be aware like you did, I am very happy you did and I hope that child is safe. You should be proud and know that you may have saved this baby, that should keep your spirits up.

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    People who abuse their kids should be fuckin sterilized. I just cant even get the words out that I want... I got a chill reading this too. Ugh, how horrible.

  17. #17
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    Think of the fact that you have made a difference - thats hugely important! Good on you!

    I always try to think of the happy ending and inspirational stories, scout around, you will find some (-:

    It is depressing when you see or hear of child abuse, but if you know about it at least you can do something to help and make lives better.

    One of my favorite fnd memories is when one of my best friend came to visit me - years ago now. Hes not threatening at all, but people might think he is because of his punk rock style.

    I had fairly awful neighbours who wernt outright abusive to their kids, they just preferred to let me look after their eldest who was 2-3 years old and they yelled a lot. They always sounded stressed but a lot of it was alcahol related.
    So my friend walked up right up to their open front window one day and yelled at the top of his lungs through the window "OI! FUCKING LEARN TO SPEAK NICELY TO YOUR KIDS!" and just walked off. It was so funny, they were sitting right inside and I really couldnt believe he did it at first! My neighbours were a bit better afterwards - at least for a while.

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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    I personally try to mind my own business unless I witnessed something just totally outlandish. I see women jerk their kids up in the stores pretty often. I got my ass worn out for acting up when I was a kid. I am not a mother and I don't agree with beating or slapping your children. But I don't think it's wrong to pop them on their bottom if they are misbehaving

  19. #19
    buffie06
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    Default Re: How do you keep your spirits up?

    Children are helpless and although this was based more on a gut feeling, you did the right thing. If nothing is wrong in their home, nothing wil come of it, but at least you were an advocate for a helpless 2 year old.

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