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Thread: Dear Alcohol,

  1. #1
    God/dess ExoticEngineer's Avatar
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    Default Dear Alcohol,

    Sorry if this has been posted before, it was sent to me today and I thought it was cute.

    Dear Alcohol:

    First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

    My friend, you always seem to be there when needed--The perfect
    post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's
    hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
    endless family gatherings.

    However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

    While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
    that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone calls:
    While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
    suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
    after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-loves when I know for a fact
    they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
    night?

    2. Eating:
    Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
    taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
    (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese
    curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too
    far this time.

    3. Clumsiness:
    Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
    improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
    to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
    appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

    Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
    door key into the lock.

    4. Furthermore:
    The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know
    a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
    but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is
    shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,
    bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep, passing out face down
    on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
    & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
    to ensure that we remain on good terms.

    You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
    laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the
    extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that
    you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will
    look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
    possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,
    Your biggest fan

    P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Specificity
    2. British Constitution
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
    2. Nope, no more beer for me.
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing




  2. #2
    242_fair
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    Default Re: Dear Alcohol,

    I started a thread on Drinking (and drugs) in Members Boards and everyone is invited to share!! C'mon over...

  3. #3
    God/dess
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    Default Re: Dear Alcohol,

    ^ please stop posting that in every thread. ive seen it in at least 3 so far.

  4. #4
    Featured Member DJ Machismo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear Alcohol,

    EE, I fully concur.

    Is there a petition to sign that we'll send to our dear friend alcohol? Count me in on signing that if there is.
    Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
    Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.

  5. #5
    BrunetteGoddess
    Guest

    Default Re: Dear Alcohol,

    LOL. I love this.

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