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Thread: I need your input on this. (ex related)

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    Post I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Whats up guys, as some of you may have read from my other thread i had one relationship my whole life with a girl named Amy for 3 years 9 months, it was a serious one with solid commitment. It ended rather roughly but were still friends. Once in a while she calls me up to see how i am doing and what not. Her current boyfriend doesn't know she calls me because she hides it from him knowing he will not favor what she is doing. My ex told me he was jaded from his previous relationship cause his girlfriend at the time would call her ex (she insisted they were only friends) and he thought nothing if it since they were friends but eventually they got back together. So thats the reason she hides it from him, i told her you should just tell him that you call me since were just friends, he shouldn't trip. She was reluctant at first but told me she would tell him. Now i haven't gotten a call from her since and its been more than 3 months, (shes used to call me about once a month) Anyways im kinda worried about her since i don't know how she is doing hence the no calling me anymore thing. I would think if she was willing to stop calling me for her current boyfriend she would at least tell me, "Jeremiah im not gonna call you anymore" eh then so be it.
    Here are my questions:
    1. Do you guys think its insecure/strange/weird/etc of her current boyfriend to not want her to call me because im her ex, even though were just friends now.
    *Heck in general, do you see a problem with a guy or girl calling their ex to say whats up when they are in a relationship with someone new (ex is just their friend by the way)
    2. Should i call and or text her to see if she is ok or just let it be?
    * I have finally moved on but since she was my one and only true love, i still care about her and love her. But if shes gonna be happy with someone else then im not gonna stand in the way and just want her to be happy.

    P.S. The reason she broke up with me was cause i would get mood swings in conjunction with my depression. She put up with a lot but she said she stayed cause she could see how much i loved her with all the romantic things i did. She told me (when we used to talk) that her current b/f isnt as romantic "mushy mushy" as me. Like she compares me to him. I asked my mom about it and she said since i treated her like that, shes always gonna compare other b/fs to me. Like i set the bar or something. Anyways just thought id plug that in.

    Your guys input is greatly appreciated.
    Last edited by BlackSheEp3; 08-26-2007 at 10:34 PM.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Well, I used to keep in touch with an ex on a monthly or so basis. But as my new relationship became more serious I had less interest in talking to my ex. Sure, we were still on friendly terms, but I wouldn't call him a friend in the sense that he was no longer a big part of my life. There was no sense in possibly hurting my current boyfriend's feelings over something like that.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica_rabbit View Post
    Well, I used to keep in touch with an ex on a monthly or so basis. But as my new relationship became more serious I had less interest in talking to my ex. Sure, we were still on friendly terms, but I wouldn't call him a friend in the sense that he was no longer a big part of my life. There was no sense in possibly hurting my current boyfriend's feelings over something like that.
    Hmmm that kinda sounds like that is what might be occurring here.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    A lot of guys don't want their girlfriends talking to old lovers. Understandable. Perhaps a bit overprotective... sometimes extremely jealous and insecure- but unfortunately.... normal. I say .... let it go. sorry. If she lets HIM call the shots and say what she can and can't do.... then that's where you need to draw the line and wait til she's ready to break out of that crap and either start up a real FRIENDship with you.... or you both move on.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    My first relationship ever began about 10 years ago and ended almost 3 years later. Even after we broke up, we would talk on the phone almost every day. The new boyfriend i eventually got didn't like the idea, but i did it anyway. A couple years later. the second boyfriend and i broke up but the original ex and i were still talking on the phone on and off. It wasn't until long after that, during my current relationship, that i realized that the first ex and i had just drifted apart so much we didnt even qaulify as friends. So i just stopped calling, without warning or anything, since i felt like i had moved on i guess. While i do think it's insecure of a current boyfriend or girlfriend to dictate who their partner should talk to, it just comes down to the trust in their relationship.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Sounds like she has moved on, I wouldn't contact her. Totally normal for her BF to not want her calling you, especially with his GF history.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    I dont see a problem with you texting or calling her once in a while. My bf doesn't like me contacting my ex either but I still do because I was with him for a very long time and he will always be an important part of my life. But I dont lie to him and say I dont contact him.
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    Post Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Thanks for the input guys, makes sense what you all are saying. Honestly i have "let her go" but i still miss/love her....so maybe i haven't? I always try convince myself i moved on as stated earlier in a previous post but why do i keep coming back to these old feelings? I guess the first love is always the hardest. I'm starting to worry because i guess i am not truly and fully over her yet. I cry sometimes thinking about what we had and how we could have kept going. Do you guys think this is not normal? Its been a while now and im still "waiting" for her, im hoping with time my feelings will fade away. Its just so hard to make myself move on when in my heart i truly cant. My friend said it took her 3 years to get over her ex, i think im on 1 year someting and my feelings are still strong. Every day when i get in my car i remember how she would ride with me, looking so beautiful and smiling at me. When im at the movies with friends i remember how it would just be us two with my arm around her. It all hits me like a ton of bricks when i remember. I really hope i move on soon, its gotten better than before ill tell you that but the feelings are still there. *sigh* I will do the following starting now:
    1. live my life day by day and appreciate and not take for granted what i have.
    2. Wish good on everyone i know, as for my ex ill hope her relationship last the test of time.
    3. Slowly but surely pull away from the girl i once loved so deeply and still do, i cant control what i feel so ill let nature take its course.

    *Wish me well guys, i stared to cry again. Just goes to show how love can be so beautiful at one point, and so painful at the next. Id rather take the the chance like i did and be loved and get my heart broken then to have never been loved at all.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackSheEp3 View Post
    P.S. The reason she broke up with me was cause i would get mood swings in conjunction with my depression. She put up with a lot but she said she stayed cause she could see how much i loved her with all the romantic things i did. She told me (when we used to talk) that her current b/f isnt as romantic "mushy mushy" as me. Like she compares me to him. I asked my mom about it and she said since i treated her like that, shes always gonna compare other b/fs to me. Like i set the bar or something. Anyways just thought id plug that in.

    Your guys input is greatly appreciated.

    Gesh..where to start, first off I'd send her a txt..2ndly I really see you guys getting back together further down the road. Before Summer of next year to be precise, maybe Spring..Not to sound all Sylvia Brownish on ya' but, it's just a feeling I got..

    She's obviously still hooked if she's comparing you to him..
    My fiance was killed ages ago..He was the sweetest man I'd ever met. It's super hard for me find anyone I can really connect w/ like we did..Once you've been LOVED, really LOVED you know it ! And you put different value on yourself and your future relationships..

    Good luck
    My new love...is me !

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackSheEp3 View Post
    Thanks for the input guys, makes sense what you all are saying. Honestly i have "let her go" but i still miss/love her....so maybe i haven't? I always try convince myself i moved on as stated earlier in a previous post but why do i keep coming back to these old feelings? I guess the first love is always the hardest. I'm starting to worry because i guess i am not truly and fully over her yet. I cry sometimes thinking about what we had and how we could have kept going. Do you guys think this is not normal? Its been a while now and im still "waiting" for her, im hoping with time my feelings will fade away. Its just so hard to make myself move on when in my heart i truly cant. My friend said it took her 3 years to get over her ex, i think im on 1 year someting and my feelings are still strong. Every day when i get in my car i remember how she would ride with me, looking so beautiful and smiling at me. When im at the movies with friends i remember how it would just be us two with my arm around her. It all hits me like a ton of bricks when i remember. I really hope i move on soon, its gotten better than before ill tell you that but the feelings are still there. *sigh* I will do the following starting now:
    1. live my life day by day and appreciate and not take for granted what i have.
    2. Wish good on everyone i know, as for my ex ill hope her relationship last the test of time.
    3. Slowly but surely pull away from the girl i once loved so deeply and still do, i cant control what i feel so ill let nature take its course.

    *Wish me well guys, i stared to cry again. Just goes to show how love can be so beautiful at one point, and so painful at the next. Id rather take the the chance like i did and be loved and get my heart broken then to have never been loved at all.

    Damn, I totally feel where you're coming from..It sounds to me like you're still dealing w/ depression too..I feel you 2 getting back together but, you're going to have to change back into a healthy person..Look, I'm in Nor Cal ( the BAY YAY !!) too..I'd love for you to try Bikram Yoga, it's really helped me w/ depression tremendously and helped me focus..
    My face lights up when I hear other members talk about how it's helped them too. I can give you a couple of free classes..drop me a PM if you're interested..
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    I completely understand your situation--I'm in the same one myself. In my case I've had to admit that, while I've been doing my best to be a "friend" I've been secretly hoping, somehow, that we would get back together. I didn't even realize how deeply I felt this until recently, when I heard something about her and the new guy she is seeing and felt a wave of bitterness go through me. I realize I'm living for something that happened some time ago, but is not there anymore.

    Maybe in your case you'll get back together--I hope so, if that is what you want. But keeping up the connection is dangerous, right now, for me: I keep trying to act unconcerned about it, but everytime I hear about her I fall into that dark tornado and I'm back in the whole thing again. So I'm backing away from it. As much as I love her, and want to hear from her, it is just too painful.

    It seems to me that even if you DO want to get back together it might be a good thing to put some distance into it, so you don't feel like a "third wheel" and she doesn't expect that you'll always be there, hoping.

    Strange how, once you're intimate with someone, it is so hard to swim to the surface again, to that level of "friendship". I wish you luck with this--I think you're doing better than I am with it!
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Well, if you spoiled her as you are claiming she should gladly take your call. If I was concerned I'd call to see how she is.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Quote Originally Posted by Farrah_Holiday View Post
    Gesh..where to start, first off I'd send her a txt..2ndly I really see you guys getting back together further down the road. Before Summer of next year to be precise, maybe Spring..Not to sound all Sylvia Brownish on ya' but, it's just a feeling I got..

    She's obviously still hooked if she's comparing you to him..
    My fiance was killed ages ago..He was the sweetest man I'd ever met. It's super hard for me find anyone I can really connect w/ like we did..Once you've been LOVED, really LOVED you know it ! And you put different value on yourself and your future relationships..

    Good luck
    Thanks for your input Farrah_Holiday, im hoping your prediction comes true.....(she hasnt called me since she told her boyfriend she calls me so im kinda worried there though about our possible reunion and her for that matter cause i dont know how she is doing)My condolences go out to your fiance, may he be in a better place. I agree with your last statement, once you been truly loved everything changes.
    Last edited by BlackSheEp3; 08-27-2007 at 04:00 PM.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Quote Originally Posted by jhuka View Post
    I completely understand your situation--I'm in the same one myself. In my case I've had to admit that, while I've been doing my best to be a "friend" I've been secretly hoping, somehow, that we would get back together. I didn't even realize how deeply I felt this until recently, when I heard something about her and the new guy she is seeing and felt a wave of bitterness go through me. I realize I'm living for something that happened some time ago, but is not there anymore.

    Maybe in your case you'll get back together--I hope so, if that is what you want. But keeping up the connection is dangerous, right now, for me: I keep trying to act unconcerned about it, but everytime I hear about her I fall into that dark tornado and I'm back in the whole thing again. So I'm backing away from it. As much as I love her, and want to hear from her, it is just too painful.

    It seems to me that even if you DO want to get back together it might be a good thing to put some distance into it, so you don't feel like a "third wheel" and she doesn't expect that you'll always be there, hoping.

    Strange how, once you're intimate with someone, it is so hard to swim to the surface again, to that level of "friendship". I wish you luck with this--I think you're doing better than I am with it!
    Same here jhuka, i hope you get what you want as well with the lady who has your heart. Honestly, there are times when i wish they would break up and she would come back to me cause i love her so much but wishing bad on someone else's relationship is never good....especially the one girl i care so much about and always will. You mentioned "It seems to me that even if you DO want to get back together it might be a good thing to put some distance into it, so you don't feel like a "third wheel" and she doesn't expect that you'll always be there, hoping." This is so true, every day i miss but when she used to call me to see how i was doing and say hi, when we hung up the phone i would find myself in a melancholy maze trying to find her at the end where she would be standing there with open arms...unfortunately this isn't the case. I asked a girl friend of mine about this, she told me to not make it seem like "i was hoping/waiting for her".....because if i did she wouldn't be worried about losing me, like im easy to come back to. Her advice to me was to "sound" like i was occupied by friends, dating other girls etc. That way she would see that im not like a puppy with a chain waiting around. My friend mentioned that girls like to know their ex is still not over them and that they are not with anyone else (she said yes it sounds bad but girls don't wanna see their ex boyfriend happy with another girl...selfish as it sounds). For a month or so on my phone i had a girl friend of mine do my voicemail message/greeting "Hi you reached Jeremiah's cell phone, leave your name and number and he just might get back to you when im done with him" lol then when im ex called i didn't pick up so she could hear the voicemail. When she asked was that my new girlfriend i just said no shes just a friend, but knowing her i could sense jealousy and when i asked her in one of our phone conversations "Are you over me?" she said she didn't wanna answer that question. I know you guys are probably tired of hearing about this but luckily pretty much sums up in a nutshell my relationship with Amy. Thanks to all who provided feedback and i hope she comes back to you jhuka. Best of luck and hang in there, if i could then you should too. Easier said than done but well get through it.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Quote Originally Posted by greenidlady1 View Post
    Well, if you spoiled her as you are claiming she should gladly take your call. If I was concerned I'd call to see how she is.
    I would but i just realized that i deleted her number from my phone ("A"my was at the top of my cell phone list and it was too much to see it when ever i would go to my phonebook) What i would do is just know when it was a 408 area code phone number calling me it was most likely her since it wasnt listed in my phone.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Hey BlackSheEp 3,

    I appreciate your words to me here, and agree that "wishing bad on someone else's relationship is never good." I think often we're in that game because of our pride--the outcome of getting the woman back may not be so good (because the relationship will inevitably have changed at that point, it won't be what it was)--but we want to feel that the woman has realized that we were the better man. Funny thing, pride: it makes you want to get in the last word even if you're not sure you actually want the relationship back.

    I had a relationship like this, a few years ago, that might be closer to what you're going through. The woman and her family really wanted marriage, and even though I felt pushed into it I got the ring--then we went through a brief separation and she got very quickly involved with someone else, and then suddenly wanted to come back to me. By that point it was so screwed up that part of me wanted it over and the other part wanted her back again, and the whole thing disintegrated into a lot of sadness and accusations. She went and got married to the other guy, and I have no idea of what happened to them. I got through the next months by taking Xanex and reading Winston Churchill--I don't recommend the Xanex, because I was a freaking zombie at work the next day, but once and a while I needed to just sleep and get her out of my head. I look back now and I know that relationship would not have worked out for a lot of reasons. I guess what I am saying is that you'll be messed up for a while, but it is worth looking over the horizon and asking if a renewed relationship is what you would really want. If it is, I hope you get it. But there may be another woman out there just as made for you, a fresh start, and if you get involved with the new woman you'll hardly even remember all of this. It is possible.

    Anyway, best of luck with it. I think you're smart to be reaching out for opinions. You can't go through something like this alone. I realize this, because that's exactly what I've been doing lately, facing things alone, and I need to take my own advice and reach out! My best to you--
    JK Jim

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    Post Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Thanks jhuka, your insight has opened my eyes to view this from another angle and perspective. Nothing left to do now but to continue moving forward, similar to what you mentioned im living for something that was the past, if she decides to come back ill be happy to give it another go. If she never comes back, i wont be staying in this same spot anymore, i have to move on with my life. Time is passing us by, each day is a gift and i realize i cant wait around in the maze of longing and sadness, doesnt mean i deny or bury my feelings for her but i will get through this. Nothing but good wishes for a man named jhuka as well as a dude named Jeremiah, together they will rise above and persevere in this world. Im starting to believe that im getting stronger, i believe if two people are meant to be together it will happen, maybe our break up was for the best....maybe for now. I truly dont know but i will be alright. If your still going through it jhuka, i know you will too. Like they say "time heals all wounds".
    P.S. I still have some wounds....but it wont be forever.

    -Jeremiah

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Hang in there, Jeremiah--we'll make it through this!

    Why can't former girlfriends go off and join a convent for a while after we no longer date them? (I shall probably get flamed for asking)!

    Good luck! Let us know how it turns out!
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    Quote Originally Posted by jhuka View Post
    Hang in there, Jeremiah--we'll make it through this!

    Why can't former girlfriends go off and join a convent for a while after we no longer date them? (I shall probably get flamed for asking)!

    Good luck! Let us know how it turns out!
    lol im hanging, i know you are too.
    haha i second that.....*puts flame suit on*
    If she ever calls me again (dang its been a long time already) or something significant happens, ill post up. Same goes for you jhuka.

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    I understand it's normal to get all jealous and "why the fuck do you need to talk to him?!" of her bf, but OTOH, respect is due for the length of the relationship it was...both of you guys moved on, so it sounds like there was plenty of time in b/t....yea it is a lil insecure if he is seriously bugged by it.

    I think you should call/text once in awhile.

    Only cuz, well you know, it's one of those relationships you will prob remember the rest of yr life/years to come, and maybe it don't seem that big now...but one day you will seriously be like, I wonder what the fuck she's up to?? And then it will be hard to contact her and weird like you want a reunion when you don't.

    I wish I had with my first serious relationship...

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    Default Re: I need your input on this. (ex related)

    You make a really good point, Alaska. I'm actually waiting a few days to respond to my situation, because I know I run a whole bunch of emotions--first anger, then sadness, finally acceptance because you probably won't change the situation and the only one suffering then is you, and why do that? I'd rather respond when I've simmered down and in truth it is better off leaving on a good note. If you loved a person once, there is something pretty good in them, and you hope they fly free and true, whoever they wind up with: ultimately, you look better having that attitude and the memories of you are likely to be better.

    Still, the damned thing hurts when you're in the middle of it! You just have to ride the horse out of Lonesome Dove!
    JK Jim

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