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Thread: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

  1. #1
    buffie06
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    Default Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    I decided to avoid a threadjack, this was inspired by the other breadwinner post.


    My husband is my driver/security(i work an hour away in not the best of areas) in addition to doing my hair and makeup before I leave for work( he is alot better than me, lol). He cleans the house and prepares the meals, in addition to laundry, etc. When he worked regular hours at a normal job, we never got to see eachother. We both had food and gas expenses and after a few days the house would get alot messier than usual. We decided to live like this b/c it suits us, and our income has increased. We are both going to school and plan on specific careers in the future.

    With all that said whenever I tell someone this, I feel like I am defending myself or him. When I was making 75K working in sales and he was making 20K working in healthcare, I still felt the pressure of being a breadwinner. It was no different
    yet, people's reactions were different b/c I wasn't dancing then. I have only earned more for about 5 of the 11.5 years we have been together, and I strongly disagree that gender should make a difference.

    Why is it ok for moms to stay at home and they aren't considered lazy? You always hear and see people talking about how much work goes into being a full time stay at home mom/wife and how much $$ it's worth if they break it down. Why can't men do the same? If this a male posting about his nerves being the breadwinner and was on a commission based job (basically the same thing) and men were responding "Don't let her get lazy", would that be the same? I hope im not just blabbing on and some of this makes sense .

  2. #2
    Member RedHairedGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Points very well made. Nuff said.

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    Member atheena's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Quote Originally Posted by buffie06 View Post
    When he worked regular hours at a normal job, we never got to see eachother.
    i couldnt agree more. every point you maid was right on the same way i feel... i just dont get it either.

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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Buffie....I know exactly how you feel!!! I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm in a very similar situation with my bf and it works very well for us - yet, as you mentioned, people seem wierd about the situation. It annoys me sometimes but I remind myself that being that we are in school and both on hectic schedules - this works best for us....screw what others think we should do
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    People have a bad view of it because they've seen dancers being taken advantage of by their deadbeat husbands/boyfriends for eons. For every guy who is actually pulling his weight by being a "house husband" there are 20 who are lounging around stuffing their faces while the house goes filthy and the woman busts her ass to make ends meet. I've seen it play out a hundred times. Blame those guys for the bad rap.

    And there is always going to be a majority of people who consider working and taking care of business part of being a man. Some people can't wrap their heads around the fact that some men actually are better at domestic tasks and parental duties than women.
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    Senior Member tronie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    I totally support stay at home dads/ househusbands if it works best for the couple.. whatever works... thats whats important.

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    God/dess Zabrina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    If its an arrangement that both agree upon, and it works for them its all good.

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    God/dess kitana's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    I hear it all the time as well with myself and my husband.

    It is different now, since he has decided to join the military; now I get people worried about us being without him (ie him dying in Iraq), and honestly that is the LAST thing I want to think about DUH!

    Anyway, well said!
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    The OP makes a great point. I was the sole bread-winner for a year and it sucked. Stressful. Now I think I can say I know what the guys feel like when they go out and support the family to pay all of the bills. It's a lot to carry on your shoulders.

    When the girls at my job found out that I was "supporting" my boyfriend, it didn't take long for them to flame him. He was sending out resumes and interviewing, as well as doing some freelance. Problem with freelance is that it's a bitch to get paid two thirds of the time which left me the constant stress of having to bring in that steady stream of income or else. It all comes down to intentions, and in my case, his were good. We kind of took turns with paying bills--I did it for a year and kept rough track of the bills. He owes me 7 grand. Now that he found a salaried position, it's my turn for free rent, bills, and food for around a year. Feels good.

    The paradigm of the family structure has seriously shifted in the past few decades, but people's attitudes are slower to shift.
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    Veteran Member slims099's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Society plays a huge role here because if you say "I'm a full time dancer, my husband doesn't work", people will ultimately think "Wow, what a loser, she's supporting that doosch." That's how society thinks of men who don't work and women who "support" their man. There's no sayings like "Hey that's good he's supporting his wife" because it just doesn't fit here in this society. The men have always SUPPOSED to have been the breadwinner, so it sounds weird when a woman is. THAT'S why you're having to defend yourself.

    If he wasn't worth a damn, and didn't help you do things, and didn't drive you to work, then of course there'd be an actual problem, but in your case it seems like it's working out for the best. Why have him work to make 20-30k while you bring in enough money (probably 4x that) to support everything and then some? Makes no sense 'cause you never see each other when this happens.

    Completely support you and everyone's opinions 100% on this one. Remember, first reaction is always negative cause society sees it that way, but with a simple explanation it makes sense, to me at least.

    Also the ol' cliche about strippers with "loser" boyfriends, blah blah blah. It's still very on-going. "These girls like guys who are rough and who treat them like crap." Blah blah. That's a very cliche yet universal statement still around in 2007. I know lots of dancers, and if a guy literally treated them like crap, I don't think they'd be with them at all.
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    God/dess Emily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Quote Originally Posted by slims099 View Post
    I know lots of dancers, and if a guy literally treated them like crap, I don't think they'd be with them at all.
    You obviously don't spend much time in the dressing room, because I know lots of dancers too and many of their boyfriends treat them like crap. Not literally though, because, well...that's impossible. But I hear it all the time when they bitch to or about them. The stereotype exists for a good reason.

    Me personally- I love the idea of a partner that can work for me that is handy...that way we can be real estate investment partners. My money. His labor. And he works his own schedule (which is mine!)

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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    i'm all for it. i refuse to do housework, dishes, cooking, laundry, etc. but i'm perfectly happy bringing in the money. My partner actually likes doing the domestic stuff and he's actually good at it and he also goes to school. Right now he has a part time job but he makes in one paycheck what i make on a bad shift at work so it's just to pay his student expenses. The annoying part is when my parents start asking "when is he going to be able to support you?" and it is so irritating cause that's not what i want at all.

  13. #13
    buffie06
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Quote Originally Posted by pinkkitten View Post
    The annoying part is when my parents start asking "when is he going to be able to support you?" and it is so irritating cause that's not what i want at all.
    Yeah , i am anxious about this. My parents don't even know i dance, they think I waitress. My hubby quit his 70hr week job in June and my parents still don't know. I am dreading the whole convo, and I hate lying.

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    Veteran Member luckischalk's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    My fiancee and I both have jobs, but I wouldn't be against him being a stay at home husband if we have a child. Each situation is unique.

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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily View Post
    I know lots of dancers too and many of their boyfriends treat them like crap. Not literally though, because, well...that's impossible.
    I'm glad you clarified that..! roflmao!

    I hate (hate) to say this, but...I would feel contemptuous of my man if I was taking care of all the bills. It sucks, I really do feel awful about it. Hypocritical, double standard, buying into gender role stereotypes...I knows it. But it's still how I feel.

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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    I've never been a partner person of any kind, but I can see this being alright so long as he is truly pulling his weight, like you said. How nice for someone else to take care of chores, laundry, etc?

    My parents have an arrangement where my mom makes the most money and slaves away at a 12hour/day job. My dad stays home (when he decides to live at home) and works on his book...but I mean, he mostly does whatever he wants. The shitty thing is, my mom still does all the laundry, childcare for my brother...ugh. She hires someone to clean. I don't know...so long as there really is a role reversal, it'd be fine. But that double shift for women rings true in so many cases.

    It really sounds like it's working for you though, which is great. Unfortunately, like others have said, most girls I know who's men drive them to work...well, they're kinda like pseudo-pimps by the sounds of things (any man who'd make me go to work, and then take all my money when I got home? Doesn't seem very loving to me...but then like I said, I'm very independent).

  17. #17
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    My friend isn't a stripper, but she works and supports her husband and their baby daughter. He quit working when she was ready to go back to work after the baby was born, and since then he's kept the home, taken care of the baby, done all the cooking, and just generally been the dad/husband. My friend is very career-oriented and her husband is very family-oriented, so it works well for them and they're happy.

  18. #18
    cameron_keys
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    I think if it works for you and you both are happy then screw everyone else.
    If I sell my pilot and become a millionaire...I dont ecpect my husband to stay at his job(unless he wants to). I will expect him to run the house and travel with me though. But If I have more than enough for us both..I'd rather have more time together then have him slave at a token job just for appearances sake.

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    God/dess Zabrina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Quote Originally Posted by scarlett_vancouver View Post
    I'm glad you clarified that..! roflmao!

    I hate (hate) to say this, but...I would feel contemptuous of my man if I was taking care of all the bills. It sucks, I really do feel awful about it. Hypocritical, double standard, buying into gender role stereotypes...I knows it. But it's still how I feel.
    I have to agree 100%! If I'm out out there physically exhausting myself selling lapdance after lapdance I would be very resentful of someone else living off my hard work.


    BUT, if I were suddenly a millionaire or had some high powered well over 6 figure income desk job, I think I'd be more open to the idea. Oh yeah, thats only if I actually had kids... Theres no way now I'd let my man stay home just to do my laundry and clean house.

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    Featured Member Miss_Luscious's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    My husband is a SAHD right now. He's going back to school and working on his modeling career. My kids love having daddy home all the time and things have actually worked out better moneywise for us. I can work as much as I want without having to miss shifts so he can go to work and make in a week what I make in a day. I love coming home to dinner and a clean house!
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Men have been doing this for ages--going out and braving the cold cruel world to put food on the table while the little woman keeps the home fires burning. I think it's very, very telling what happens when the roles are reversed. You hear so much these days that a wife and mother's job is the hardest on earth and deserves to be raised to the level of sacrement. But watch a man do it. Then it's all, "What a loser...he's not even working?" But wait--I thought this was the hardest job on earth? No, that was just smoke up my ass to keep me at home?

    If you wanna work and can, do it. If you wanna stay home and can, do it. People would be so much happier if more of them realized you really can choose to live whatever life you want. There are no rules.

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    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    I like taking care of each other in order to reach a long term goal. If it works for you, it works!

    For example, I'm stripping until I finish my undergraduate degree. I'm going to have money put aside. When I go to law school, my boyfriend is going to support me. When I get my law clerk position after my first year, my boyfriend will go to graduate school to get his MBA at night. Within 8 years, we'll both be making more than 6 figures each, and gainfully employed. We're going to take turns being the breadwinner and the student, but we'll come out on top and together at the end!

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    Member Sierra30's Avatar
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    OMG, i so totally agree with you...I support MY three children and my fiance but HE IS a stay at home "dad" ( hes NOT my childrens father, he died 20 months 3 weeks 2 days ago) and a "househusband"...he IS sending out resumes, going on interviews and whatnot, BUT he feeds my children and takes care of them while im at work 4 to 5 nights a week not to mention the fact that he cleans my house, unpacks stuff from our move ( we moved 2.5 months ago and im STILL unpacking!!!) gets lists together for me ( bills and list of talent agents and other stuff) and a MILLLLLION other stuff...I am SO glad other dancers/entertainers feel the same that i do...I actually had to defend myself on another site (cafemom.com) that hes NOT a deadbeat and I had the sam argument...whats the difference between stay at home moms and stay at home "dads"???? absolutely nothing...Its just that society says that the MAN is supposed to be the breadwinner and the WOMAN needs to stay home...FUCK THAT SHIT. i was left in a very bad predicament when my husband DIED while i was 7 months pregnant with our youngest child and i had to STRUGGLE to survive with very little money from SSI a month for me and my three children...i got together with my now fiance in november of last year and started dancing again in May of this year and couldnt be happier because he stays home and i do a job that i absolutely LOVE, not to mention the fact that i can give my children EVERY SINGLE THING they need and i dont have the extra expense of a babysitter AND pay for the wedding that I want in cash AHEAD of time and not owe a single penny the day of.
    Sierra
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  24. #24
    buffie06
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Quote Originally Posted by Dottie Rebel View Post
    Men have been doing this for ages--going out and braving the cold cruel world to put food on the table while the little woman keeps the home fires burning. I think it's very, very telling what happens when the roles are reversed. You hear so much these days that a wife and mother's job is the hardest on earth and deserves to be raised to the level of sacrement. But watch a man do it. Then it's all, "What a loser...he's not even working?" But wait--I thought this was the hardest job on earth? No, that was just smoke up my ass to keep me at home?
    Yep, this is my point exactly. I don't get how hypocritical society is.

  25. #25
    buffie06
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    Default Re: Women being the breadwinners and stay at home Dads/Househusbands

    Quote Originally Posted by Sierra30 View Post
    OMG, i so totally agree with you...I support MY three children and my fiance but HE IS a stay at home "dad" ( hes NOT my childrens father, he died 20 months 3 weeks 2 days ago) and a "househusband"...he IS sending out resumes, going on interviews and whatnot, BUT he feeds my children and takes care of them while im at work 4 to 5 nights a week not to mention the fact that he cleans my house, unpacks stuff from our move ( we moved 2.5 months ago and im STILL unpacking!!!) gets lists together for me ( bills and list of talent agents and other stuff) and a MILLLLLION other stuff...I am SO glad other dancers/entertainers feel the same that i do...I actually had to defend myself on another site (cafemom.com) that hes NOT a deadbeat and I had the sam argument...whats the difference between stay at home moms and stay at home "dads"???? absolutely nothing...Its just that society says that the MAN is supposed to be the breadwinner and the WOMAN needs to stay home...FUCK THAT SHIT. i was left in a very bad predicament when my husband DIED while i was 7 months pregnant with our youngest child and i had to STRUGGLE to survive with very little money from SSI a month for me and my three children...i got together with my now fiance in november of last year and started dancing again in May of this year and couldnt be happier because he stays home and i do a job that i absolutely LOVE, not to mention the fact that i can give my children EVERY SINGLE THING they need and i dont have the extra expense of a babysitter AND pay for the wedding that I want in cash AHEAD of time and not owe a single penny the day of.
    Sierra and Likewow, I am so glad to hear im not the only one! I think what makes our situations unique, is the fact that we are dancers. If we had a regular high paying job or career and our men stayed home that would be different. Maybe not, but just a thought and it goes back to the whole stripper stereotype thing.

    Also, where our $$ is concernd no matter what jobs we have ever had, we always imediately put all the money in the bank to pay bills,etc.. Even since we started dating we opened a joint checking acct. So it's not like I come home and hand over money. We talk to eachother before most purchases either one of us wants to make. We think of ourselves as a team.

    I apprciate all the responses it's nice to hear positive ones. I could never post this on my family forum Im sure.

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