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Thread: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

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    Default How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    I have a roomate who lives here part time. She lives with her boyfriend a few days a week, and the rest of the week here. We're moving into a new place this week, and I want things to go differently. (Fresh start, and all that).

    I think because I sleep in every morning, it seems like I am lazy and have nothing better to do? People feel this way...they forget that I work nights when they have their free time. My parents always call at 830am, and bitch that I am sleeping my day away. They don't understand I go to bed at 3am.

    Anyway, I am kinda busy. I have horse stuff to do, and work...and school when classes are in session. So I guess I don't feel like it's fair that I do ALL the housework. She said she hates vaccuuming, and is no good at scrubbing. Ok...but whatever, just clean up the bathroom once in a while? Or the kitchen...or mop after I vaccuum. Or hell, sweep.

    But I'm such a passive person...I don't know how to say "hey, can you clean once in a while?". I've said before that when she's alone she doesn't even bother to eat sometimes, and then bitches about being tired or having headaches. I don't want to act like anyone's mom.

    It's just a little thing, but I know with school coming again it's going to bug me. What's a good way to deal with this? It's hard to bitch at her because she's my friend and all. It sucks because it feels like this is something I shouldn't have to ask for. I know she's not there the whole week, but still. Her hair sheds all over the bathroom...just to clean up once in a while, is all I want from her.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    That's a tough one, MollyZ. If you are doing all the housework that isn't fair, and I don't know how anyone would conclude you are lazy if you're coming in at three in the morning after work, so that's not a justification for her letting you do all the housework. But it's tough because you guys are friends. I had a roommate once and I handled things like this by enlisting him as a team--"Jeez, guess we've got the mess in the kitchen--you want to tackle the counters and I'll take the floors"...or, "want to have a cleaning day, just to get all this stuff out of the way?"...kind of like you're in a conspiracy with your roommate against all the mess. I'd grown up with the guy (he was a neighbor when we were kids) and he was a friend but you don't really know a person until you live with them.

    Hope this is some small help.
    Last edited by jhuka; 08-29-2007 at 11:43 AM.
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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    I know exactly what you're going through.
    When I was living with my flatmate, she was THE laziest ever.
    She'd cook which was fair enough (I can't) but that was it.
    The crap that I used to pull out of the bath plug made me gag, and she'd never clean it after, when she did wash up the dishes, I had to do it all again because there'd be a layer of grease on the plates/cutlery, hair everywhere like you're getting, the list is endless.......

    And to top it all, she had a dog which used to poo in my bedroom - only ever in my room, never outside. She was quite clever in that she was able to open door handles. She'd pee everywhere which I had to clean up because it made my friend gag, ate my bunch of valentine's roses........
    I couldn't take it anymore and just blew my top at her.

    Luckily, she was really quite cool about it, apologised and made a real effort in helping out more. I wouldn't advise doing the same as I did (screaming at her!) but I'd definately have a chat with her and explain that you would appreciate a little more help around the house.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    You can ask people to do things without bitching at them. Just tell her what you wrote here, or show her your post (or mine...she'll think I'm a bitch, but I'm okay with that )

    ...or dorky as it sounds, write a note?

    It'd be better to clearly state things face to face though. IMO you don't need to justify her cleaning-you're tired from work, horses, etc.-even if you were unemployed and had nothing to do all day, people have to clean after themselves. It's just common courtesy and what decent adults do. Like no, she shouldn't clean up her mess because you're so tired...she should clean up her mess because it is HER mess.

    And once you tell her, don't let her slip up and get away with anything. If she continues to do this, you may want to consider not living with her part time.

    Yeah, you shouldn't have to remind her. But in her case you obviously do; she sounds a little out of it what with the not eating unless people feed her. Also, no one likes cleaning...so her hating vacuuming is irrelevant. And being no good at scrubbing is bullshit...that's like people claiming they can't make simple meals so people will cook for them. It's a series of simple actions...she can learn in a few minutes unless she is mentally challenged.

    Think of it more as a discussion than a confrontation. You can bitch at her later, if she continues to not clean. But cross that bridge when you come to it.

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    God/dess phillyvixen's Avatar
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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    What about trying to make a schedule for cleaning and putting it on the fridge. Sounds childish but she can't pretend she didn't know what needed to be done, and i would feel guilty ignoring something i saw all the time.



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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Yeah, I actually find the whole "I'm not really working" thing to be pretty pervasive. When I had such a roommate - we eventually made her move out. People generally will not change those kinds of habits until something happens in their own lives. I would just talk to her. I mean - she hates vacuuming and scrubbing - well, probably not your favourite hobbies either. They still have to be done. I'd approach it nicely and just assume that she is going to agree with you, and do it in a way that doesn't attach blame to her for anything that has occurred in the past. Avoid "I would like you to help out more" in favour of "I think that if we're moving into a new place, we can probably keep it a little nicer." Make everything as neutral as possible to avoid a fight about who is doing what.
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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Quote Originally Posted by phillyvixen View Post
    What about trying to make a schedule for cleaning and putting it on the fridge. Sounds childish but she can't pretend she didn't know what needed to be done, and i would feel guilty ignoring something i saw all the time.
    I'm for this. I had a roomate in college lije this ..she would never do anythign and it pissed us off(there were 4 of us living there). We put up a schedule on the door...Clean Living Room, Clean Bathroom, Clean Kitchen, Take out Trash. With each of our names of it and rotated it every week so nobody had to do the same thing all the time. IT worked. If something wasnt done we knew immediately who was to blame and she couldnt really argue. She had ALL week to do her chore. Alter this to suit you two and tell her that you just cant do it all yourself anymore. It's exhausting you and it isnt fair.
    If she still bitches...look for another roomate.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Funny that you post this mollymoonz, I was just about to post the same exact thing this morning. My roomate it also lazy, and I swear to god I'm going to freak the fuck out if she doesn't get her shit together. All I ask is she clean her bathroom, and clean up after herself when she eats. And NOT to wear shoes in the house, which she constantly does, and It's not like I haven't told her before. I'm the kinda person when I remind you to do something constantly and you don't I WILL end up kicking your ass out. GRRR infact I'm going to confront her this morning. It just really gets me because I let her move in as a favor to her ass!
    Sorry OP lol I needed to rant a bit

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    OMG!!
    When i lived with my friend her sister and her brother lived there as well. Her sister drove me so crazy. She would wine and she didn't drive because she lost her drivers license somewhere and need papers to get another one and she didn't have those. So she relied on her boyfriend, sister and brother for a ride. Every day!
    On top of that she would invited her boyfriend over and she liked to cook for him. So she would use ALL of the pots, pans and dishes and leave them in the sink for days. She refused to wash them because "she was tired from her work" BS. AAARG! Then if anybody asked her she would bitch and cry to her mommy who would then blame my friend, her sister not to tell/ask her to do chores! UUUHHGG!
    She was such a spoiled little brat. The only time i ever saw her clean was because once she have a party for her friend there and then the other time she washed a few of the molding dished in the sink then was too tired to finish. I can't stand her!
    I am soooooo glad i dont live with her anymore!
    *sigh of relief*

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Wow, just reading this made me so thankful I don't have a roommate anymore!! I think switching off every week and putting them on the fridge so it's impossible to miss is a good idea.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    ^^I agree. I <3 living alone. Her "I don't clean well" is a crappy excuse. She can stfu and do her job as a roommate. If she can't do something simple as switching chores every week then I would find a new roommate. Dirty roommates are rude imo.
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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Thanks for advice. I used to live alone, but because I get so sad my mom started to fret about me not having anyone around. People got all worried about me, so they suggested I have someone around. My cat is totally better company though. Having other people live with me just makes me paranoid that they are looking through my stuff. And yes, the added mess is a drag. Plus I hate her boyfriend and having to listen to babytalk on the phone between them every day is annoying. But whatever. Life is compromise. I will try to be more assertive and use a list or something. It's true that I don't love cleaning either...what a lame excuse.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Quote Originally Posted by MZ
    But I'm such a passive person...I don't know how to say "hey, can you clean once in a while?". I've said before that when she's alone she doesn't even bother to eat sometimes, and then bitches about being tired or having headaches. I don't want to act like anyone's mom.

    It's just a little thing, but I know with school coming again it's going to bug me. What's a good way to deal with this?
    How long have you two lived together?

    When rooming with people, it's a severe test in respecting someone's total perspective on life because you're sharing personal space. After so long, the walls come down, and you see how someone really lives. And normally, the member, respectively, between the two that has the lesser standards for upkeep and maintenance in their areas becomes much more aware that they are.

    Trust me, I'm sure your roommate sees it, and as you're saying "Why not just sweep?" with the same zeal they're replying "It's not that bad. I have other things to do" unfortunately, again, this requires massive amounts of communication and finesse to handle, because you need to create a way for your roommate to WANT to come up to your level, or she to create a way for you to come DOWN to hers (and going up and down is all relative anyways)

    So you HAVE to talk. Or you have to do. Find mutual ways to initiate discussion. Like if she's watching T.V. ask if you can vacuum. Inevitably, she'll ask you to wait till she's done, then wait, do it when she's done. FORCE her involvement into the situation, then, start asking her to help, and most likely she'll begin to ask if she can. Ask her to move the furniture, or help with dusting, whatever. Never be alone in the house while doing the chores. Make your roommate aware of the effort you put into the place to make it look nice for both of you, and if she's a good friend, inevitably, she'll want to help out in some way even if small, but it just opens the door. If she's taking advantage of you, well, you'll find that out too.
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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Here's another thought when you're talking with your roommate and trying to come up with a solution.

    How about hiring a maid, and both of you splitting the bill?

    Don't laugh! Make it a suggestion when you're talking and she's whining that she can't clean good. If she won't clean because she sucks at it, then help her learn, or have her pay. For a maid.

    It might be a monetary way to motivate her to start helping around the house.

    Either way, you won't be cleaning as much.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Quote Originally Posted by phillyvixen View Post
    What about trying to make a schedule for cleaning and putting it on the fridge. Sounds childish but she can't pretend she didn't know what needed to be done, and i would feel guilty ignoring something i saw all the time.
    I had a roomate who did this and it REALLY pissed me off. I was the only one working at the time and I was paying her way as well. Also, she expected me to do the dishes 3 days a week, when I never ate there. (I literally mean never, as in not one single time.)

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Quote Originally Posted by Danielle_4370 View Post
    Here's another thought when you're talking with your roommate and trying to come up with a solution.

    How about hiring a maid, and both of you splitting the bill?

    Don't laugh! Make it a suggestion when you're talking and she's whining that she can't clean good.
    I think this is the best idea so far. But obviously the reason you have a roommate is to cut costs so its a little counterproductive...

    I hate to admit it but I think I was the "bad" roommate in college. (Luckily my friends tolerated the messiness- one of them even had me be a bridesmaid in her wedding a couple months ago.) But I am just naturally am not an obsessively neat person and my 'comfort level' of messiness was lower than theirs. If you choose to live with a friend you know is a slob... well, either living in filth or doing all the cleaning just come with the territory. I think slobby people should just live with other slobby people Sorry- wish I had a better suggestion!!!

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    "I'm not good at scrubbing."

    HAHAHAHHahahahahaha!!!

    I've got a couple of friends who play this game. It's almost as if they think that if they compliment me and tell me that I"m just much better at them than this or that, that they can get themselves out of it. I've been trying this new radical honesty thing and I will tell you that it is working better than anything I've tried.

    Old way...
    Me: "The apartment looks like crap. We really need to clean today, k?"
    Them: "Oh, but I'm so bad at (or whatever). You're much better at it than me. *bats eyelashes."
    Me: *walks off grumbling, does it myself, and lets the hatred silently fester*

    New way...
    Me: "The apartment looks like crap. We really need to clean today, k?"
    Them: "Oh, but I'm so bad at (or whatever). You're much better at it than me. *bats eyelashes."
    Me: *very lightheartedly* "Bahahaha! Are you kidding me? Girl, you know you ain't gettin out of this. *giggle* I don't like it either but it needs done. Come on, let's turn up the stereo, have a glass of wine and just knock it out together."

    In other words, it has been working really well for me to totally call people out on their ridiculousness, laziness, passive agressiveness or whatever in a lighthearted way that makes even them go, "Ok, yeah, that was a little cheap."

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    ^^I think that is excellent advice.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    I've never had a roomie, but if I did and they NEVER cleaned, I'd make up a chart... and if they didn't cover more of the rent or get off their lazy ass and do some cleaning, I'd simply kick them out.

    "I can't clean well" bwahaha! Like it's hard? If you really feel shy about it, grab the cleaning supplies and say, "This is how you do it" and do it in front of her. Then, say, "Do this every other week and I will do it every other week. I'll make a chart so that we can remember".
    If you think school is hard, try being stupid.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    The only thing that worked for me was going on strike. When it got dirty enough for my three sorority sister ( i was not a sorority sister, i got placed randomly with the most ditzy sorority girls ever in student housing) roommates, they finally started cleaning. They didn't even know how to make a bed properly, start a dishwasher, mop the floor, vacuum.. they had been spoiled their whole lives and never had to clean up after themselves. I finally HAD IT, and stopped cleaning the common areas.. the kitchen trash overflowed for a week straight, the dishes piled up by the sink, and finally they had nothing to eat off of so they would only wash what they needed and leave the rest in there.. it was gross.

    The only solution was to move out... after going on strike. You just can't change people, especially once they're adults.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Quote Originally Posted by Dottie Rebel View Post
    "I'm not good at scrubbing."

    HAHAHAHHahahahahaha!!!
    Or just hand her rubber gloves and say, "Practice makes perfect! Happy scrubbing!"

    OR you can tell her that if she refuses to help out with the cleaning (which every home needs all the time) then she can pay for the maid herself. If she does not want to pay for a maid, then she needs to pitch in. I'd hate to hear that one person is paying 1/2 the costs for a maid when it's not them who is unwilling to clean.

    She either cleans herself or hires a maid.

    Unless, you wouldn't mind spending the money to get the cleaning off your hands, as well...and focus that time on other things...

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    No kidding. It's not like cleaning is hard. What's so tough about running a vacuum over carpet, putting dishes in a dishwasher, or spraying some Lysol on a counter and wiping it off? With the Swiffer options to dry-mop and wet-mop floors, it's impossible to be a doofus at cleaning. And once it IS clean, it's a lot easier to KEEP clean with little effort, just a little wiping here and there.

    If the roommate hates vacuuming, fine. She can empty the trash, dust, wash the dishes/load the dishwasher, clean out expired stuff from the fridge, and use those handy Lysol wipes to wipe down the counters and stove. She can Swiff the floor and dustbust up the remains. She can get some Scrubbing Bubbles, spray it in the shower, let it sit for a few minutes and rinse it off. She can drop a 2000 Flushes into the toilet tank. She could even walk around and make sure the paper towel and toilet paper holders are adequately full, and that spare TP is within reach.

    All of the above things together might take about 20 minutes, if you took your time about it or lived in a large place. There's just no excuse for one person to bail out of cleaning up after themselves.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    Thanks again everyone...I will make sure to put this advice to use.

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    Default Re: How to get a roomate to pull her weight?

    You could do what I'm planning to do: have someone clean the house for you and charge her half of the cost. my flatmate is useless practically.


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