Results 1 to 25 of 25

Thread: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

  1. #1
    Yekhefah
    Guest

    Angry My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    So I'm sitting on the iChat yakking to my brother (who is 15), making chitchat about school and shit, when he goes, "Did you hear about Mom?" Well no, I did not hear anything about Mom.

    It turns out that she's back to her hardcore drinking. My brothers have been hiding the booze (knowing this one in particular, he's been sharing it with his friends), and she goes out and buys more. There was an incident on my birthday several years ago in which my stepfather came over and admitted she'd been in rehab for several weeks, and she skipped out of rehab with a guy who kidnapped her to the other side of the state, took her cell phone away, etc. She managed to get away from him and get to the police but it was a long night. Over the course of the night it transpired that this is all apparently MY fault for moving out at 18 and living a life independent of hers. Happy birthday to me.

    So now, several years after that, she's evidently at that level of drinking again. I'm not accepting a single fucking ounce of responsibility for that, or for the time before either.

    But anyway, it now transpires that she's had a stroke. She's in the hospital now; from what little I can gather, it seems that she started exhibiting confusion and other symptoms last Friday, and now a week later she's in the hospital and had a CAT scan and it is in fact a stroke. After talking to my brother, who said that our grandparents and my stepfather had agreed not to tell me anything, I called my stepfather's cell phone in a snit and Mom answered. She said she thought she had a urinary tract infection but it turned out to be a stroke. That makes NO effing sense to me. So I got my stepfather on the phone and I'm afraid I was a bit rude; I demanded he tell me what was actually going on. "Well, she had a stroke," he said. I snapped, "Fine, okay, don't tell me anything. But don't hold me responsible for not knowing anything if nobody in this family is going to tell me." He said that it was a stroke, and when I mentioned the drinking, he said we'd talk more later. (He was in the hospital room with my mom and other two brothers.)

    This comes on top of the fact that my dad's mother is dying of pancreatic cancer but won't admit it, and nobody on that side of my family will give me any fucking information either. She just tells me she's feeling better. FUCK this stupid Southern "never-say-anything-unpleasant" mentality, FUCK IT. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this information exactly but I want the fucking information.

    And on top of it all I'm freaked out too because my mama had a stroke, just like her mama had a stroke, and just like her mama's mama had a stroke, so guess what that means for me?

    Argh.

    Sorry. Had to vent.

  2. #2
    cameron_keys
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    I'm so sorry honey. I dont know what to say except that you have my number if you want to talk...

  3. #3
    Banned
    Joined
    May 2007
    Location
    Schwarzefornia
    Posts
    2,410
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    I'm sorry to read this, Yek, and I can empathize...

    My tumultuous family history gave me 3 options:
    1. Put some healthy distance between myself and them
    2. Enter therapy
    3. Become a therapist myself

    I chose all of the above...

    You're articulate, insightful and open, with a loving mate and friends that support you. Sometimes, family toxicity can still rock the balance that survivors like you (us) have independently attained.

    I hope that your mother recovers without poststroke symptoms, and my positive thoughts are extended to you and your family

  4. #4
    Yekhefah
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    I'm sitting here wondering if I really have a right to be pissed off. I mean, I don't tell them I'm a stripper because it would serve no purpose other than to worry and upset them. So do I really have a right to get so angry because they are withholding information from me for the same reasons?

    On second thought, yes. I do. Being a stripper is not even in the same league as a beloved grandmother dying of cancer or a mom with a major drinking problem and a stroke. I just want to call up my stepfather and yell at him some more but that wouldn't be right, he's an awesome guy and I'd just be dumping all my anger and frustration on him. Grrrr, I'm so fucking furious right now. And I was having such a good day too.

  5. #5
    God/dess BalletBaby's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Candy Mountain
    Posts
    3,835
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    I'm so sorry Yek. I don't really know what to say *hugs* Try not to stress out about the stroke thing though; just because three prior generations have had them doesn't necessarily mean you will and you don't need the added stress of worrying about that.

    Quote Originally Posted by AlexxaHex View Post
    Lysondra, can I taste your Abortion?
    Quote Originally Posted by Snowles View Post
    BalletBaby + Alice in Chains >>> Pie.

  6. #6
    Yekhefah
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Well, due to family history I've always just known I would eventually have to deal with breast cancer and stroke. But I really don't like to think of my mama actually having one, even though I've known she would. It does sound like she'll recover. I'm more worried about her alcoholism and the fact that nobody tells me shit.

    As for putting distance... I moved to Australia and everyone in the family went berserk, so I'm in California now. That is still a thousand miles away. I think the distance is a lot of the problem, but I REFUSE to feel guilty for living my life. I've had a lot of relatives congratulate me on being the one who escaped, and I'm not going to go waste the rest of my life in Memphis just so my family will freak out a little less. I wish they would understand that.

  7. #7
    Banned
    Joined
    May 2007
    Location
    Schwarzefornia
    Posts
    2,410
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    So do I really have a right to get so angry because they are withholding information from me for the same reasons?
    Yek:

    I adhere to the belief that unexpressed anger turned inward will often manifest as depression. IMO, venting anger appropriately can be a cleansing experience, particularly when you've entrusted others to "do the right thing."

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    On second thought, yes. I do. Being a stripper is not even in the same league as a beloved grandmother dying of cancer or a mom with a major drinking problem and a stroke.
    IMO, it's only in the same league if you consider being a stripper tragic . Balancing your commendable desire to look after everybody with your limits as a mere human being becomes difficult at times like this, and it sometimes creates a sense of futility .

    I'd like to be in God's shoes for just a day, just to get a sense of how he/she maintains up there without saying "Aww, fuck it!"...

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    As for putting distance... I moved to Australia and everyone in the family went berserk, so I'm in California now.
    I went the exact same route in my 20's, Yek. I guess I'm not so original after all...

  8. #8
    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2003
    Location
    Waikiki, West Hollyhood
    Posts
    4,638
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 10 Times in 9 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Family can be the root of a lot of pain and sorrow or joy and love..

    I'm sorry about your mom but, it sounds like she's going to be okay..You know she is who she is Yek and you have to accept that and learn to live w/ it..
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


  9. #9
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Jan 2007
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    718
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    I'm sorry to hear all of this, Yek: I know that no matter what has gone on in the family or with your mom the stroke hits you where you live--I went through this, many times. And I know the frustration of not being told about something medical, even if for the most noble reasons (that they don't want to worry you). I think all you can do in this situation is offer what you can--you can give an ear to someone in the family if they need to talk; you can find out medical information if someone is confused about something. If you feel you're being judged or held "responsible" for something I would let that go, for now, because there isn't much you can do about it. Family dynamics really come out in a situation like this, and I've found that the best thing you can do is act like a pro and just not get pulled into it.

    As for long term--you sure are not responsible for your mother's drinking or stroke. Probably the best thing you can do for your family is give them an example of someone taking care of herself, and let them know you are doing so. Maybe it will inspire them. I admire how passionate you get about your family: I've been there. But you have to accept your limitations and do the best you can. I think you are. My heart goes out to you here. I hope your mom and your family will be all right.
    JK Jim

  10. #10
    God/dess RoseWhite's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2006
    Location
    On a babymoon.
    Posts
    3,145
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 18 Times in 13 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    What a total pain to have to deal with. It sounds like there are a lot of aggravating patterns that keep getting repeated, no matter how much you try to healthily distance yourself from the madness. That's especially frustrating because you can't get closure & put it behind you & move forward with a different kind of relationship with them.

    *HUGS!*

    (I gotta say, though, I don't understand what urinary tract infection symptoms could possibly be mixed up with a STROKE?)
    "Before I conceived you, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life." -- Maureen Hawkins

    "I just can't get over how much babies cry. I really had no idea what I was getting into. To tell you the truth, I thought it would be more like getting a cat." -- Anne Lamott

  11. #11
    God/dess Mastridonicus's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Paradigm City
    Posts
    6,784
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 12 Times in 7 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Wow, Yek....that's REALLY tough. Mild stroke? I hope you get more info.

    It sucks to feel like you're disconnected for living your life, but it has it's ups and it's downs. Never regret choosing to live your life how you want!

    But good wishes to mom's health and decision making!
    People are not ruled by their memories.

  12. #12
    Yekhefah
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Yeah, it seems to have been a very minor one. Apparently the stroke happened last Friday, but she didn't get to a hospital until a week later - I'm guessing because everyone just assumed she was drunk. So that's a week of brain bleeding with nobody doing anything about it, I guess. I spoke to her on the phone and she sounded like the same kind of weird she always sounds like.

    But yeah, I had the same thought. I asked what happened, and she said, "Well, I thought I had a UTI, but it turned out to be a stroke." I asked her how she could confuse a stroke for a UTI, and she thought for a minute and said, "I think I had both at once." So I'm guessing she's a little fried in the head. That's the only explanation I have for a registered nurse saying something so stupid.

    And I know it's not my fault she's a drunk, but it pisses me off that half the family thinks it is. And I'm pissed off that we have this Southern reticence. And I don't know why they would all conspire to keep this a secret from me, and I'm hoping my brother doesn't get in trouble for telling me because if it wasn't for him, I'd never know anything.

    My family makes me so goddamn berserk. I would actually like to move back to Memphis one day but I'm afraid to because my family literally makes me insane. I have mental problems when I have to live around this shit, and the last time I was living with my family *I* was drinking myself into oblivion. I really love my family but why do they have to be so fucking NUTS?!

  13. #13
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Key West
    Posts
    16,343
    Thanks
    1,395
    Thanked 5,487 Times in 2,768 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    This comes on top of the fact that my dad's mother is dying of pancreatic cancer but won't admit it, and nobody on that side of my family will give me any fucking information either. She just tells me she's feeling better.
    That won't last long. Sorry to say, that's about the worst kind you can get. A good friend of mine died at 34 or 35 from it, and quickly too. Sorry to hear about it, and your mom.

    At least it was a mild stroke, apparently, and not a bad one that left her paralyzed, etc.

    If she doesn't stop drinking she'll have more--and worse--health problems.

    But don't doom yourself automatically to the same fate. You are already avoiding the heavy drinking (one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself, longterm), just try to live your life as free from stress as you can, and your good maintainence should protect you.

    Anyway, sorry to hear about all of your family's troubles.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  14. #14
    Yekhefah
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    ^^^ I know. My grandmother's beaten breast cancer three times - I mean been completely cured each time. She had this really complicated surgery for her pancreatic cancer and they thought they got it all, but they didn't, so she's doing chemo again. I think she thinks she'll beat it this time too but I've read up on pancreatic cancer and you don't really recover from that. I'm trying to fly home for a visit as soon as possible so I can see her again. I have guilt there too because she's still upset about my divorce and the only thing she really wanted from me out of my life was great-grandchildren... she doesn't really understand the whole career and readiness thing.

    Anyway, thanks. I feel a lot better for having vented. I'm waiting on my stepfather to call me when he gets some privacy, and hopefully he will actually level with me.

  15. #15
    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2003
    Location
    Waikiki, West Hollyhood
    Posts
    4,638
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 10 Times in 9 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    My family makes me so goddamn berserk. I would actually like to move back to Memphis one day but I'm afraid to because my family literally makes me insane. I have mental problems when I have to live around this shit, and the last time I was living with my family *I* was drinking myself into oblivion. I really love my family but why do they have to be so fucking NUTS?!
    Take it from me..sometimes it's better to stay away..FAR away ! I wish I'd kept my ass in Houston sometimes, so far from the disfunction ! But, so many positive things have happened for me here..I'm glad I did make that move..But, I don't talk to my fam...

    Alot of people have nutty families, you just have to do what's best and healthiest for you in this life..
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


  16. #16
    Yekhefah
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    That's the thing, my family's not dysfunctional. Aside from my mother's drinking, we're a pretty normal and very loving Southern family. It's just such a HUGE family and it's one of those VERY Southern families where my grandfather has to be involved in everyone's major life decisions, and everyone has to be in each other's business and worrying about everything I do and why am I not married and when am I gonna have kids and why don't I get a regular job etc. etc. etc. They mean well but I need a few thousand miles between us with regular visits. And if that "makes" my mom drink, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not the one pouring the glass, she is.

  17. #17
    God/dess
    Joined
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    2,352
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Sorry to hear all of this Yek really not much for me to add that hasn't been said . You already sound a little better then your first post , so the venting and reflection is working . These issues are never easy especially with loved ones .

  18. #18
    Yekhefah
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Oy vey. So now it turns out she did NOT have a stroke, and she was lying to me and my brothers so that we wouldn't know she was in the hospital for detox. So she didn't have a stroke, she's just a drunk.


  19. #19
    Banned Katrine's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2003
    Posts
    13,855
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Sound like my family, always keeping secrets and lies. Its hard to keep up. I'm so sorry honey, I hope your mom feels better. Alcoholism is a horrible disease.

    "Have you ever been to American wedding? Where is the vodka, where's marinated herring?" - GB
    "And do the cats give a shit? No, they do not. Why? Because they're cats."-from The Onion

    Quote Originally Posted by Mia M
    If a cupcake was tossed at me... well, I'd only be upset if it missed my mouth

  20. #20
    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2003
    Location
    Waikiki, West Hollyhood
    Posts
    4,638
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 10 Times in 9 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    That's the thing, my family's not dysfunctional. Aside from my mother's drinking, we're a pretty normal and very loving Southern family. It's just such a HUGE family and it's one of those VERY Southern families where my grandfather has to be involved in everyone's major life decisions, and everyone has to be in each other's business and worrying about everything I do and why am I not married and when am I gonna have kids and why don't I get a regular job etc. etc. etc. They mean well but I need a few thousand miles between us with regular visits. And if that "makes" my mom drink, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not the one pouring the glass, she is.

    That's the same way my fam is (on mom's side) and I see that as dysfunction. To me if you're taking care of your responsibilities you don't have time to worry about what others are doing etc. Just my opinion of course..
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


  21. #21
    madmaxine
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.



    Sigh.

  22. #22
    Banned
    Joined
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Cranberry Country
    Posts
    1,202
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    Oy vey. So now it turns out she did NOT have a stroke, and she was lying to me and my brothers so that we wouldn't know she was in the hospital for detox. So she didn't have a stroke, she's just a drunk.

    yek,

    I'm sorry shes putting you through all this emotional stress. I lost my mother to a stroke.

    unfortunately addictions don't just take their toll on the addict, but, everyone around them....

  23. #23
    God/dess greenidlady1's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    4,183
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 14 Times in 12 Posts

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    I am sorry to hear hon. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

  24. #24
    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Cash-Stack-istan Island
    Posts
    14,704
    Thanks
    6,564
    Thanked 11,625 Times in 3,697 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.



    hope things turn out well. good luck.

  25. #25
    Yekhefah
    Guest

    Default Re: My mom had a stroke and I'm pissed off.

    Thank you. She's still detoxing in the hospital; my brothers are staying with friends and grandparents, and my stepfather is staying in the hospital with my mom, trying to keep her occupied with movies and such. She checked into the hospital yesterday with a BAC of 3.4 (the legal limit for driving is .08 ); no one knew how she was even conscious. She's just been putting away that much that her tolerance is that high.

    I hope her detox and rehab stick this time, and I'm miffed about the stroke story, but glad my family's finally being honest with me. I'm still ticked off about the lies and secrets but I'll get over it.
    Last edited by Yekhefah; 09-01-2007 at 07:10 PM.

Similar Threads

  1. Nate Dogg has suffered a stroke!!!
    By cinammonkisses in forum Music Mix
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 09-26-2008, 08:01 PM
  2. Stroke my what?
    By AudreyLeigh in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 06-27-2008, 11:22 PM
  3. Replies: 12
    Last Post: 01-17-2008, 03:30 PM
  4. dog stroke or tumor?
    By funlatina82 in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 10-11-2006, 10:24 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •