
Originally Posted by
BrunetteGoddess
This may sound pathetic, and I know that. And it might seem like I'm giving up, but I'm not. But I just need to get my thoughts out and here other people's responses.
I'm so up and down lately. One minute depressed, the next I feel like it will all be OK. I know I'm depressed and it just doesn't go away in one day. I just want that to go away. Because then I'd be able to deal with life better. My husband is depressed as well, so this whole house reeks of negativity. I try hard to fight it, but it's so overwhelming that sometimes it's hard to even just get out of bed and try.
I'm really trying to be both real and positive at the same time. For me and for R. But it's almost impossible to be both when reality is so overwhelming and negative right now. I keep saying to friends "We'll be OK, we've always figured out things and gotten by before" but in my heart I'm terrified.
Money is the root of all of this evil. We just can't seem to get ahead. R has been struggling to find work, but it's just not going well. I cry for him and I cry for myself. I know he's trying. But sometimes other people ask just why he hasn't gotten a job yet, and when I can't tell them why it starts making me doubt my own husband and that makes me feel worse. I believe him, but it waivers sometimes.
And it always seems that money is needed. We need more tissue, food, gas. It never ends. And then my student loan ended it's forbearance period and wants payments to start again. I have to move, don't have the money to do it, but must figure out a way, I need groceries, I need to take care of myself. I have no damn money, yet people are all holding out their hands for the share that doesn't exist.
I tell myself that once I leave this money pit of a house, this city with no work for R, that it will get better. It has to. I want to start school, my life feels like it's in limbo, on hold. I've never seen my husband stress free since I've known him, and vice versa. We don't know what the other is really like when their happy. At least we're going through the worst right away right?
God. I swear like Cally said, I feel like I fail at life. It's never enough. I want my life back!
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