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Thread: They're Back

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    Featured Member southstbabe's Avatar
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    Default They're Back

    the bullies/pains in the ass.

    Yesterday was G's first day of 5th grade and it was pretty shitty. At least four of the kids in his class are kids that give him a hard time. Now, these kids are also part of a larger group of friends. But these kids are the "power friends" the athletes, the 100 on every test kids, the achievers. And when they feel like teasing or busting chops it's usually G they turn on which really sucks because your friends shouldn't do that sort of thing to you and then turn back.

    I just don't know what to tell G anymore. We've struggled with this sort of thing on and off over the years and it's got to stop but I don't know how to stop it. I feel helpless and I think G is picking up on that and it's not helping the situation. He's not very good at sticking up for himself, which is a tool he needs to master. I can go to the school and his teachers and tell them what's going on and they do have a very clear Anti Bullying Policy but the problem with that is G is not always forthcoming with me. I have a hell of a time getting anything out of him even though I have always told him he can tell me anything! Having a conversation with him can be tough. He sometimes tells you the middle first and then the end and leaves out the beginning all together. UGH!

    I just ordered two books. One on dealing with bullies and one on self esteem. Maybe the answers are somewhere in these books.

    But while I wait for the UPS man, any wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    I'm so frustrated I could cry.

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    Default Re: They're Back

    I'm so sorry to hear about this, SSB: I know how frustrating this can be. When I was a boy, I had some of these problems with a 3d grader when I was in 1st. My father talked with me about it calmly and told me to be firm in what I believed and not let the kids push me around--easier for me to think about in the living room than to actually do on the playground. He also--without forcing me into it--taught me to box, something he was very good at. Finally, when I saw the 3d grader beating up a friend of mine, something in me went black and I knocked the kid senseless. I followed what my father taught me: if you're going to hit someone, don't do it halfway. Make sure they understand you mean it. And, as these stories go, I was left alone after that--it was worth the detention for a week.

    I know it is not fashionable to have a "violent" answer for these problems these days, but it might be a good idea for your son to be involved in something that builds up self-esteem and teaches him to hold his own--karate or something along these lines, if you can be recommended to a good teacher. Essentially, whether on the playground or in the boardroom, bullying feeds on the one who is insecure in handling it...the good person, in other words. It seems to me the best answer then is in something that builds character--esteem--but also allows the boy a new confidence. I am sorry he is going through this, but I see that he has a wonderful mother who cares about him, and this will make all the difference; it sounds to me like you're doing a great job and just need some objective help from a teacher, perhaps a male figure, who can offer him this strength.

    I hope you'll keep us up to date on how this goes, and that your son is feeling better soon. I'm sorry he (and you) are going through this.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: They're Back

    Agreed, Violence is not the answer. Then again when someone pushes your butt in a corner there's nothing left to do.

    Poor kid, poor you! My sympathies. Tough, tough situation.

    Team sports, karate, boxing classes. Something to do and plus these activities socialize kids and teach them how to interact with each other and help them learn how to take care of themselves.

    Personally ( I have no clue about you or your beliefs ) speaking to the school. With that you run the risk of making it worse for your child.

    Secondly, I would seek out the offenders parents - talk to them if you can.

    Lastly, if worse comes to worse. Get a lawyer.

    These are just my personal takes on the situation, I've raised four children so I know how terribly mean little kids can be.

    I hope everything works out for you and your child.
    I wish I could do more.

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    Default Re: They're Back

    Crow's suggestions are very valid.

    Of course, I could always show up at his school with a baseball bat and hit the brats in the knees! His school is only what, about 20 minutes from here? I could do it on lunch and never miss a beat!

    Seriously, I'm really sorry to hear this. Your son is such a good kid. Great sense of humor, well behaved and I hate that he's going through this.

    Keep the lines of communication open with him. If it gets bad, I would definitely contact the school. Keep away from the kids' parents unless you know them or you could be opening yourself up to some hassle as well. If you get no relief from the school, contact a lawyer.

    As for it getting worse for him if you speak with the school; he's getting bullied anyway. At least it's on record and if they continue, you have grounds for a lawsuit.

    Good luck and call me if you need me. Give my boy a big hug.

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    Senior Member anabella's Avatar
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    Default Re: They're Back

    Well my son is not in school yet, so I can't give you direct advice, but bullies are such a huge problem. Even if your child has decent self esteem, those kids can totally ruin it. Talking to the school and their parents might help, but they might continue anyway.

    I would focus on your child, not the other kids. Self esteem building activities that take place outside of the school group would be a good idea I think. It would give him a chance to make friends with new kids. If he has a couple of friends outside of school, he won't be so worried about what goes on in school.

    Good luck and keep your chin up. He obviously has a mom that loves him and pays attention, that's the most important part.

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    Featured Member southstbabe's Avatar
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    Default Re: They're Back

    He wants no part of karate or boxing. We've been asking him for years if he would like to give either a try. But he does play baseball, basketball and football. With these kids! There was one time over the summmer one of these kids, during a backyard wiffleball game, put up a stink about G being on his team, he didn't want him, G sucks, blah blah blah. . This is coming from a friend! No wonder G has confidence and self esteem problems. G is not one of those gifted althetes, but he loves sports and plays them for the fun of the game.

    As for talking to the parents, you'd be surprised how many of them blow it off as "they're kids, they do that, they don't really mean it". I have a feeling if it was their kid on the receiving end, they would change their tune.

    DA, if it gets to the baseball bat point, you will be the first one I call!

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    Senior Member ITgirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: They're Back

    screw all that. After getting punked by a girl in my second grade class, my brother (much older than I am) told me that I had better go beat her up the next day in school. If I didn't do it he was gonna spank me w the belt. I was terrified to walk up and hit this girl, but I was more afraid of that belt! And I've had very few weak-feeling moments since then. I'm not a bully, but I don't take anyone's bullsh+t. I"m quick to let someone know they crossed the line and what I will do to them if they don't back off.

    Oh, and when I got sent home from school that day we went out for slurpees!

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    Default Re: They're Back

    I'm so sorry your son is going through this. I don't envy kids today. Bullying has gotten to such an insane level in a lot of schools.

    I really think Crow's suggestions are the best ones here. Your son might not want to learn to defend himself, but he NEEDS to. And once he's stood up for himself he's not likely to get messed with again.
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    Default Re: They're Back

    SSB if the school does not have a clear cut bullying policy does, does the town itself have a criminal bulling statute? I mean if it is gotten to the point of harassment, there has to be something the police can do to stop this.

    The hard part here is no matter what you do its not going to help your son. By that I mean going to school, talking to the parents, the police, ect ect. is only going to come back on your son and feed the bullying even more. It's a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation that I don’t envy.

    It is easy to say, but the only thing that is really going to stop this is got G to stand you for him self, and put an end to this. To that end anything you can do to help his self –esteem, and confidence is HUGE. Maybe you and him could take some sort of karate together? Right now the best thing he has going for him is the fact that he has a very caring mom, who is willing to take the time to recognize the problems, and proactively to help.
    You Cant Quit until you try, You cant live until you die, You Cant learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie.You Cant Breath Until you choke,You gotta Laugh When your the Joke, Theres Nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive! Will you swear on your life, that no one will cry at my Funeral!
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    Default Re: They're Back

    I couldn't agree with you more about learning to defend and/or stick up for himself. I wish I knew how to encourage him to do it.

    He has no problem flattening a QB, wish I could harness that same drive for him everyday.

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    Featured Member southstbabe's Avatar
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    Default Re: They're Back

    Newsflash....G's school has been under lockdown!

    There was a home invasion in the area and the occupant was pistol whipped and threaten and guy got away! Holy shit!

    I guess the only good side to this is that I'm sure it kept G distracted from his own problems!

    Hell of a second day of 5th grade.

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    Veteran Member BmiWMT14's Avatar
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    Default Re: They're Back

    Its not funny, but you said Flattening the QB, and all I could think of was the waterboy with Adam Sandler, where thay are picking on him and one day he just decides that enough is enough levels the bully, who then respect him in a totally new light.

    I know you said he is against going to karate, but is it something he may try if you were to enroll also? If not Karate maybe some sore of mixed martial arts class?? With the popularity of UFC, you might be able to work that angle somehow with him.

    I wishhad more suggestions for you on how to deal with this.
    You Cant Quit until you try, You cant live until you die, You Cant learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie.You Cant Breath Until you choke,You gotta Laugh When your the Joke, Theres Nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive! Will you swear on your life, that no one will cry at my Funeral!
    Quote Originally Posted by cameron_keys View Post
    Yes please save me from this life of debauchery! You can all kneel down and worship at the Church of the Holy Clitoris to convince me!!

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    Default Re: They're Back

    I've been thinking about this thread since I read it earlier today. I know that my earlier idea of karate is not what your son wants, but I like what some are suggesting here--that maybe there is some way you can make it attractive to him, or some form of defense attractive. Perhaps some karate teachers that come recommended to you you could communicate with beforehand...I'm sure they have seen this problem many times, and will have ideas on how to handle it--how to perhaps bring him into it.

    SSB, there is another alternative that we're not mentioning here, because we are adults full of pride...if the damned school doesn't do anything to stop this, he could go to another school. As adults, we say he shouldn't have to, and that is right of course, but the reality is that if this is affecting him this deeply (and of course it is), and if he is resisting attempts to learn some defense, perhaps he should get the hell out, where he can start over again. There is a big future ahead of him, and such a change for a number of reasons might be what he needs (if it is possible). I have a few friends who teach at this level in public schools--they often burn out because of the lack of backing by administration officials, the lack of "taking charge" of critical situations; a good friend of mine ran a Charter School for a time, and I was amazed at seeing the difference between this school and the regular public school. The Charter School was smaller and the teachers and students much more engaged. This will change from school to school, of course, but there are alternatives out there that would be worth exploring.

    I know it is not an attractive answer, because "adults" will say you are running from the problem, and teaching your kid to do the same. But I don't think he would feel that way, if you present it to him right (as a change simply for his education). And it may be the fresh start he needs. I still would work, though, on getting him involved in some form of defense classes, because who is to say the problem wouldn't come up again? At least, in a private or Charter situation, the problem might be addressed and taken care of--in the public school it can run on and on, as it seems to have, and he can be outnumbered.

    Just something to consider. At his age, I think it is critical that he get on a path of self-respect, and if these kids keep doing this it will be very hard for him to get there and stay there--as is your instinct, any sacrifice is worth it for him to have the opportunity to break the cycle he is in.

    Damn it, I wish I could help more. I hate seeing kids go through this! I wish you luck with it. If I can somehow be of help (I'm a teacher, but at the college level) or you just need an ear, please feel free to PM me, and good luck to your boy. He sounds, from people who know him here, like a great guy. He sure has a great mom.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: They're Back

    Duh! I'm a dork.. changing his school would be ideal.

    The again, schools hate bad press - I had to go and "speak" to a school principal about an issue with my daughter when she was young. She knew nothing about it and perhaps still to this day doesn't.

    if his school has a "no tolerance policy" toward bullies and you don't want to change his school. Make them enforce it. Because if G is getting this sort of treatment, no telling how many other kids are.

    As for the parents, of the kids that are causing G's problems.. No. No. NO!
    That bs about it just being kids and what not, pardon my french but thats crap.
    The squeaky wheel gets the grease.. You complain enough, something will be done.

    I learned my lessons in this matter the hard way and I have a few layer friends whom I can call any time of the day or night. It's truly amazing to see what people do when you say " legal recourse" and or "lawsuit"

    Just my two cents.

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: They're Back

    I don't have much advice outside of what others have said, just good luck to you and G *hugs*

    And also...private schools are really no better. I went to a very exclusive Catholic school, and bullying was rampant and vicious. And if a child did try to stick up for himself, he'd get in trouble for not turning the other cheek *rolls eyes*

    But I do second trying to encourage martial arts. Not even for the defense aspects. I found, in myself, that it really helped foster my self esteem and confidence. As I developed in those things, comments from the other kids at schoold didn't bother me. And as I got more confident, I became a less attractive traget.

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    Default Re: They're Back

    I agree with you, kk, about the self-respect that comes from martial arts.

    I too had a bad experience in a private school once--that will vary from school to school, I think--but I was thinking in terms of a Charter School, which uses public funds...there might well be one in SSB's area. That, too, would have to be checked out, because the charter school runs by a "charter" of those who put it together; sometimes it is more liberal, sometimes almost a military school. But if SSB would find something that she thinks would be up her boy's alley, it would be worth checking out.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: They're Back

    I'm not a parent, so I don't want to sound like I know anything at all about this..because I don't. But I am the eldest sibling and I've watched my younger siblings grow up and be bullied. 3 of them are still in school, the 2 boys are autistic. They have Asperger's Syndrome...

    So I've had some experience dealing with how harsh children can be and how naive parents can be. (my parents never dealt with any of this btw...they were and still are in their own little world. so if things need to be done, my siblings know to call me and i'll help)

    I once had to contact a parent of this little boy who was constantly picking on my little brother. Zach was about 9 at the time(he's now 12), and was just starting to go to "normal" classes in school. This little boy wouldn't leave my brother alone. He would throw things at him, kick him, hit him, call him names and just make Zach's life a living hell. And to make it worse, he got some of his friends to do it too.
    Zach would come home in tears, he's a sweet boy. Loves everyone, just doesn't know how to express himself. Like I said, he's autistic. Makes things a bit tougher to try and get information out of him.

    I went and talked to the parents, and it made everything worse. The parents talked to the child, who got into trouble about being a bully. Instead of fixing the issue, it intensified it.

    We ended up moving him into a new school. It was worth it. And he's sooooo much happier now. The move was not convenient, it was a pain in the arse...but some things are just more important. And to see him come home from school with a smile on his face and stories to tell me about new friends instead of bruises and tears...well I'd do it again.


    I know that a new school might not be something you want to do...but it might be the best solution to this problem. That is, if the school doesn't step up and do the right thing. Bullies should never be tolerated...that's how horrible tragedies like Columbine happen...
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    Default Re: They're Back

    ok, having been a victim of bullying, and a mommy of 3 kids, which the middle one was bullied last year...here's my 2 cents


    i grew up not being able to "defend" myself. my mom was a very strong woman and didn't take shit from anybody, but me, i'd avoid conflict at all costs. (still do)

    i STILL have trouble speaking up for myself. unfortunately it's a personality trait that takes A LOT of work...i'm still working on it and i'm 31. i tend to let people take advantage of me and don't speak up before it's too late to solve the problem. self esteem activities may help, but they may not, it's a hard trait to overcome. fortunately when i was in my teen years especially, i had a great group of friends that would literally push me back to protect me from any harm and take over the issue, lol for some reason my close friends feel protective over me.

    you MUST involve the school. schools take bullying seriously nowadays...why, because it's the bullied kids who "snap" one day (not saying your son will at all, just saying why they take it so seriously)...i.e. the school shootings etc....most if not all were done by kids who wouldn't/couldn't take up for themselves and were bullied constantly and just snapped. i can understand where their anger comes from. a person can only take so much.

    you call/show up at that school DAILY, make sure that EVERY teacher knows what's happening, you become a pain in their ass!!! make sure to file reports everytime something happens. you HAVE to involve them!!!

    Call the parents, become a pain in their ass...believe me, if you pester them enough (calmly), they will probably lay the smack down on their kids cause their sick of dealing with you. if they don't answer their phone, send them letters, go to their house (of course, calmly again)...bug the hell out of them. if still no response, threaten to involve the law.

    do not let you son play with these "friends" as hard as it is, he has to know that if his "friends" are going to treat him like that, then they don't have the PRIVILEGE of playing with him. find some other leagues for him...go to your local parks and rec, community center etc...i don't live in a huge city and we have several different leagues of everything.

    threaten the kids directly! my mom did that whenever a kid did something to me...you get an angry adult towering over a child and speaking very authoritatively, they'll usually stop. tell them if they EVER speak or touch your son in an inappropriate manor, you will personally go down to the police station to have them arrested and they will have to go to jail (this usually scares the crap out of them!) a lot of times, you can ask a cop to come have a "talk" with the offenders just to scare them a little...i did this with my oldest when he was 6 after stealing some candy from a store....you should've seen his eyes! lol

    if none of this helps, you HAVE to change his schools. get a boundary exception.

    good luck. i feel for you and for him.





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    Featured Member southstbabe's Avatar
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    Default Re: They're Back

    Thank you so very much everyone for all of your support, advice and hugs.

    I am happy to say that last night while at football practice G asked one of his "good buddies" for advice. It made me happy to see that he realizes he does have trusted friends and can talk to them. He may not always talk to me but as least he's talking to someone! Back to School night in on the 20th and I plan on telling his teacher about what some of his classmates have done to him in the past. I'm hoping it will keep him alert to the goings on in the classroom.

    Outside of school it's up to me to contiue to work on his self esteem. And maybe a self defence course we can take together might do the trick. I received the two books that I ordered yesterday and have flipped through them both and I think he might be able to get something out of them. Especially the one called Stick Up For Yourself. It's a kid's guide to personal power and positive self esteem. It's written well, easy for a kid to understand.

    I've been the victim of bullies and teasers too and more than anything in the world I don't want G to go through what I went through in grammer school and what a lot of you went through too.

    I'll keep you posted.

    thanks
    *blows kisses to everyone*

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    Default Re: They're Back

    I hope everything works out okay and G plus yourself get some sort of relief.

    Kids should have time to just be kids and not deal with adult issues untill they become adults. Sounds like he's on the right track and with you as his Mom -

    Hey, I think the kid will be just fine and dandy!

    xoxox

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    Default Re: They're Back

    It is great your boy is starting to reach out, SSB, and that you'll have the chance to have a direct talk with his teachers--please let us know how it turns out. I'm thinking of you and hoping it will all come out well!
    JK Jim

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