I swear I have food issues like some have drug issues. Food fucks me up so bad. I can't eat certain foods, like physically I topple over in illness from things like coffee, whole wheat, fatty stuff, dairy...I KNOW this. And I KNOW that sugary shit makes me fluffy bellied. But I feel so out of control sometimes that I just can't stop eating this crap. Even when I'm not even hungry. And then I get sick, bloated, and don't eat barely anything for a few days...so I don't get tooo fat, but it's enough to put on fifteen pounds since last year, I'm horrified to realize.
Everytime I try to break the cycle, it's like I just fucking can't. I feel so helpless. I wasn't like this when I was a kid. I was a picky eater then, and I wish I could go back to that. The short periods of time where food hasn't controlled my life, something else has, like maniacal mancrushes, or excessive competitive sport.
It's possible I'm putting all my eggs in one basket, but I swear for the few months I was on Wellbutrin I didn't have this insane urge to eat the bad stuff. I didn't turn to food when stressed. A doctor friend told me at a party last week that a patient of her's recently lost over a hundred pounds on Wellbutrin, which she only went on because of smoking. So I'm hoping this helps when I can go back on it...but what else do people do? What ultimately breaks the awful pattern of abuse? Because I have these added digestive quirks, sometimes it literally comes down to having a certain meal, or having a life. Like I'll eat something that I know will make too sick to leave the house for twelve hours, and I'll eat it anyway. It's driving me crazy and I can't seem to kick it in anyway I've tried. I'm so weak.



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