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Thread: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    I think my friend has been suffering from post natal depression since the birth of her first child, who is now 3. She now has an 8 month year old and it seems like she is just not getting better.

    I really need the advise of you guys of whether I need to just mind my own business or take action. Her husband is not doing anything. She will call me one day saying everything is fine and then the next day she will call me in tears, barely able to breathe in the midst of a panic attack.

    She rang the other day and told me that she just wants to move back in with her mum and that she no longer wants to be a mother to her children or a wife.
    She told me that she is a terrible mother and she is just drunk all day and not looking after the children.

    She also suffers from an ED and at the moment she looks incredible thin and malnorished. She only eats dinner and she said she vomits that up, not on purpose anymore just as a gag reflex coz I guess her stomach has shrunk so much.

    She smokes a packet of cigarettes a day, drinks wine from the moment she gets up in the morning til she goes to bed and she drinks coffee all day too.

    I told her I am scared that she is going to die from heart failure or some other complication. She broke down and asked me if I would speak to her husband because he is not taking it seriously. So she handed me the phone and he was not impressed in the slightest. I felt that he was pissed off and thought I was interfering. I told him that something needs to be done and that Im scared that she will end up dead and I told him she needs to go to hospital. He said that he agreed and promised me he would discuss it with her when he got off the phone.

    When I spoke to her the next day she told me they didnt discuss anything because he was tired from work and wanted to go to bed!!!!!

    Her mother and her are close and even she is doing nothing about this.

    I feel that i should just take her to the hospital myself but she said there is no one who can look after her 2 kids.

    Fuck I really don't know what to do about this anymore. Im scared that she will either die or kill herself or that something will happen to those two children. She already told me she nearly dropped the 8 month old coz she is too weak to hold him.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

  2. #2
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    G-d, what a fucking scumbag husband. Too bad we can't just kill him, that would solve half her problems right there. I think if I was married to a bastard like that, I'd be in the same position.

    First and foremost is the safety of the children. Neither one of them is looking out for the kids' best interests, so you need to call Child Protection Services and report them. Your friend may or may not be angry about this, but the children need to be in the hands of someone who will care for them. Alternatively, you could go to her parents and ask them to take the kids until your friend straightens herself out. Maybe losing the kids will be the wakeup call your friend needs to get her shit together.

    Try to convince your friend to check herself into the hospital. She needs to get away from the scumbag and get professional help for her emotional problems and her physical addictions. Hopefully by the time she gets out of the hospital, she can get her kids back and divorce the weasel and start trying to put her life back together.

    Good luck.

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    I think she should get rid of him too.
    But I don't want to get child protective services involved, I would rather look after her children myself until she gets better because once they are involved she might loose them for good and I couldn't live with that. I have work and university tho so I dont even know how I would look after her kids. Her father passed away a few years ago and her mother works full time.

    I wonder if there is some sort of community service who I could contact that could help out without turning to child protective services?
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Veteran Member Habinairo's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    Hey, I've had PPD and it really HARD, I mean, my thoughts were random from, it's a sunny day to I could jump off the balcony, I wonder what that would be like. It's scary and she needs help. Her husband is making her feel worse and could be detrimental. Get all the help you can get from the Health Unit or whatever you have, and find all the information you can get your hands on. Ask a health nurse to come with you to visit her, they can asses her and see just how far depressed she is. DON'T judge her at all. DON'T make her feel like a bad mom, tell her you want to support her and get her some help to adjust to being a mom.
    All moms have a period of adjusting, and because of her husband, her's is a lot harder. I used to cry for 4-5 days straight holding my son apologizing for being me. It's hell. Doctors know this is a problem that isn't her fault, it's her hormones and they can give her some meds to regulate her hormones until her body can heal itself.
    I don't think she needs to go to the hospital, post partum depression can do so many things to women it's not fair. Find a free community nurse or something like that to support her. Learn about PPD, and show her fact, it's not her fault, she needs some treatment to get her hormones in check.

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    ^^
    thank-you. Is it possible for PPD to go on for this length of time? She has had a lot of depression in the past before children so I dont know if it's PPD or just depression.

    I wrote her an email telling her that I love her and she is not a bad mother and that she has lots of people who love and support her and want her to get better and she told me that she has kept it to look at it when she feels down.
    Another part of the problem is that she lies. She came over the other day and told me it was all fine now and she has stopped drinking. She said this a month or so ago too. So when I tried to bring up how we could go about helping her she said "no no it's all sorted out now".

    It's so difficult.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Featured Member teeth_of_the_hydra's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    You can and should take her to the hospital. My mother went through this with her best friend L, who is severely anorexic and depressive, several years ago. In my mom's case, L's husband, although he was shitty to L, was a decent enough father who was able and willing to look after the kids. L didn't have the mental resolve or the physical strength to check herself into a hospital, so my mom flew to her hometown and brought L back to NY with her, where she checked L into a specialized hospital for ED. Like you, my mom was afraid that L would die, and she might have, if my mom hadn't stepped in.

    So here's what I think you should do. Contact some of the local agencies who are dedicated to any of the causes that are going on in this situation: child welfare, AA, NA, eating disorder support groups, and ask them for their help and advice. They should be able to direct you to a hospital, medical specialist, or social worker who can help with this situation.

    However, if you feel the children are in immediate danger for any reason, call the police or the AU version of Social Services. I know it sounds shitty but it's what I would do, though others might disagree. Or, if you are worried about your friend's acute health, you could take her to the ER. This has the benefit of getting the ball rolling without involving any figures of the law/authority right away... but if AU hospitals are like US hospitals, they will probably commit her for at least a few days, which does leave the issue of who will look after the kids.

    You are a good friend for worrying. Don't feel bad about involving others; you cannot solve this problem on your own. Good luck.

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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    I think you should get involved. She's clearly asking you for help because nobody else will help her! I don't know what area you are in but maybe contact one of the appropriate numbers at the above link. The post natal depression resource numbers are located at the top of page two.


  8. #8
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    The problem isn't just depression though, Habanairo. She's also got a pretty serious alcohol addiction, and she's replaced food with coffee and cigarettes. I think a hospital stay may well be necessary for problems this severe. She needs help WAY beyond what she's getting.

    I'm actually physically nauseated by her husband. I don't even have a word for vermin like that. He sounds just like Rusty Yates, who in my opinion should have been executed; I don't like that he's taking valuable oxygen that human beings could be breathing instead.

    Jaizaine, does your friend's mom work during the day? Maybe you could work something out where you take them for part of the day and the mom takes them at night. Those kids are in DANGER being in that house. Imagine if she cracks and drowns them like Andrea Yates did, or even if she drops the baby again and kills him. You don't want that on anyone's head just because you didn't want to call CPS. If there is no one else to take the children, you have an obligation to call CPS; it might save their lives, and keep your friend out of prison.

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    Yeh her mum works during the day. I'm going to make some phonecalls tomorrow (it's 3am here) and speak to some professionals but I think there is some great advise already in this thread.

    I'm certain she needs to be hospitalised because I dont think she could stop drinking herself and also because her body is in starvation mode. This is the worst she has ever been and she has had an ED since she was about 14 (she is now 27).

    I can't believe her mother has let her go on like this, it really makes me mad. As for the husband he is a total dickhead. I ended up convincing her last year to go to her GP and the doctor put her on anti depressants and she was showing signs of improvement. Her husband then told her to stop taking them. He is Argentinian (Im not sure if this is relevant as to the views he has) but he and his family only believe in natural medicine like herbs etc. So he said the anti depressants were bad for her, so she went off them and got worse again.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    ^oh God this is like Yates all over again.


  11. #11
    Yekhefah
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    ^^^ No kidding.

    Jaizaine, look up "Andrea Yates" on Google and pass that information around to her family, the shithead, and her. Explain that this is exactly where their family is going to end up if she doesn't go to the hospital RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    Quote Originally Posted by LoveSexMoney View Post
    ^oh God this is like Yates all over again.
    Damn, I know..that's what I was thinking as I read through !
    Please get help for your friend. She is completely out of control and no one if cuking helping her ! Depression is a bitch and she is obviously using alcohol as a way of dealing w/ it..Shit please get help for her and mainly for her kids.
    I'm all for the holistic approach too, but come fucking on now this woman needs help..For whatever reason the people around her won't or can't get it for her. Please keep us posted
    My new love...is me !

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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    Quote Originally Posted by jaizaine View Post
    ^^
    thank-you. Is it possible for PPD to go on for this length of time? She has had a lot of depression in the past before children so I dont know if it's PPD or just depression.
    jaizaine,

    PPD is an episodic event with distinct links to the physiological and psychological processes associated with the aftermath of pregnancy. The fact that your friend has been wrestling with her depression for years preceding motherhood suggests that she may be dysthymic or experiencing recurrent episodes of major depression. Many people sufferering from chronic depressive symptoms self-medicate with alcohol and other drugs, which further exacerbates their condition.

    You seem genuinely distressed by your friend's predicament and you are sweetly and actively seeking solutions that could help right her unbalanced family system. However, ecological, biological, and social systems are homeostatic, meaning they resist change with every means at their disposal. Keep in mind that many families like the one you're describing tend to resist change because of homeostasis. If an alcoholic family such as your friend's does not succeed in reestablishing its equilibrium (balance), it may enter other modes of more destructive behavior that can lead to the family dissolving when "outside" attempts to change it persist.

    I am unfamiliar with Australia's public policies and programs. If you were in the U.S., I could make some specific, informed suggestions regarding your course of action. However, since your friend seems to be the "identified patient" in this scenario, I think that anything you can do to access professional services for her directly would be a great kindness.

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    Veteran Member Habinairo's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    Quote Originally Posted by jaizaine View Post
    ^^
    thank-you. Is it possible for PPD to go on for this length of time? She has had a lot of depression in the past before children so I dont know if it's PPD or just depression.

    I wrote her an email telling her that I love her and she is not a bad mother and that she has lots of people who love and support her and want her to get better and she told me that she has kept it to look at it when she feels down.
    Another part of the problem is that she lies. She came over the other day and told me it was all fine now and she has stopped drinking. She said this a month or so ago too. So when I tried to bring up how we could go about helping her she said "no no it's all sorted out now".

    It's so difficult.
    PPD can go on a long time. I believe, if you have a history of depression, it can last much longer than the average 2 years. And because she had another baby within the 2 years, it may have been compounded. She's afraid her kids will be taken away. I used to have visions of knives falling off the counter into my child's eye. Sick I know, but I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought they would take her away. The second time I got PPD, I got help. My doctor right away said, here, take this, I'll see you in one week to see how you feel. Call anytime you have any crying moments or concerning thoughts. Just watch her and document, if you wish, anytime she tells you something is not right, then you can come back at her with proof, and if she doesn't listen, go to the professionals. She'll need intervention because she cannot do it on her own, and won't admit to it.

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    Veteran Member Habinairo's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    Quote Originally Posted by Yekhefah View Post
    The problem isn't just depression though, Habanairo. She's also got a pretty serious alcohol addiction, and she's replaced food with coffee and cigarettes. I think a hospital stay may well be necessary for problems this severe. She needs help WAY beyond what she's getting.
    .
    Yes it is more than depression, it all needs to be looked at right now, you're right. I hope once you can get her the information that is needed, she may see no other option but to realize where she is at in her life, and start taking some action towards it.

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    Featured Member Hatshepsut's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    Look up Melanie Stokes as well.

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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    I think you should maybe talk to her mum if you can get in touch with her. She may well be hiding the extent of her troubles from her mum and maybe she would be a good ally to help?
    It is hard to know what to do but I think source as much help for her as you can, encourage her to move back home with her mum if sdhe wants too, even if her mum works during the day I bet she would help out alot more after work hours than the husband (from the sounds of thigns!).
    I had a friend who was sprialling into drug addiction and I did reach the point of ringing social services and askign what they would do if I reported her and what sort of help I could suggest to her. The you can make an informed choice. They are not so quick to take kids away from their parents, especially if there is no abuse or anything (unfortunately even when there is abuse ...) so dont be scared they will send the cops around to pinch her kids, but do be aware of what they WILL do if you give them her name etc. This may be along the lines of contacting her and offering her counseling and other support. It could be a really good thing for her.

    Only of course you have to be careful that you wont alienate her further. I got to the point where if my friend din't gt better on her own I had to "dob" on her and i was prepared to accept the fact that she would despise me for the rest of her life if I came between her and her son. Its not an easy decision to make. She is clean now, aftyer getting pregnant again, and is living a great life. We have spoken about the fact that I considered ringing social services and even though she got very angry she also told me that she was touched that someone cared about her kid enough that they would sacrifice her friendship (and risk her wrath!!) to get him help.

    You're a great friend, good luck.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  18. #18
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    Do you trust the husband to look after the kids? If he cares for his children then Im sure he will find a way to look after them - at least innitially if your friend gets help. Once she gets help Im sure something can be worked out in conjunction with rehab or therepy.
    Do you think that there might be additional stresses and drama in the marraige that you dont know about that is making her husband and mother act like theyre not so concerned? Im not excusing his behaviour or anything, but that would be my guess. Its quite possible that there have been a lot of dramatic scenarios on a regular basis behind the scenes and that he and the mother have just heard it all before and not got anywhere. Youve already mentioned that she lies, well its probably not just to you. Alcaholics are extrememly hard to communicate with - think about the really drunk people you meet at work and how you just cant discuss anything sensibly with them. Imagine living with that.
    I think you should help your friend, but remember she has got to want the help too. This is the same friend who rang you a few months ago and confessed that she had a drinking problem right? And the same one you have posted about a couple of times? She wanted help then but didnt follow it up?
    If you really think she needs to be hospitalised then do what you have to do. If you think the kids are in real danger, yes act. Just be careful about getting caught up in a vicious circle of being involved and then nothing except drama happens. You have your own life to think about - dont let drama ruin your studies. Some people thrive on being a "poor me". Im not meaning to sound harsh though.
    I hope you had some luck with finding professional help - its too big a thing for you to take on alone!

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    God/dess jaizaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    ^^
    very true APS
    I think her husband married her only out of obligation because she got pregnant after knowing him only 6 weeks. So it's a pretty loveless marriage I guess.
    Yes she is the one I have made many posts about and I think she would be extrordinarily difficult to live with but at the same time he should at least care enough about his children to get their mother some help.

    I am waiting for my friend to contact me at the moment, he is doing a PHD in psychology and he should have a better idea than me about who I should speak to about her.

    I really appreciate all the thoughtful and caring replies to this thread and Budai your information here and in your PM was very very useful to me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Corgan View Post
    when regulars turn cheap, it's time to kill em off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lysondra View Post
    You're still a vagina.
    There are many stereotypes about the industry that I work in. Sometimes they can be true but human beings are very diverse creatures and cannot be pigeon-holed into one category.

    Some of the most effortlessly beautiful, kind, intelligent, successful, motivated, driven and ridiculously hilarious women that I have ever met have been dancers. I've met the best friends that I've ever had in this industry.

  20. #20
    aussiepunkshocker
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    BTW in Queensland there are counselling services offered through the local government, I think theyre free. Maybe you have something like it in your area which would be useful?

    Im not sure how youd find it - I was just looking at a local workshop and noticed it here

    They seem to have a lot of activities and support groups for mums too, something like that may be good for your friend.

  21. #21
    AlexxaHex
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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    I don't have any advice other than what's already been mentioned, but I want to say that I do hope your friend gets some help soon. You mentioned her before, I think. I bet she's absolutely scared to stay on the same path and even more terrified to make a change for the better, but she really really needs to. I hope she can get better and be a strong mother, and a healthy person for herself too. You're doing the right thing by being concerned and looking for help - keep going!

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    Default Re: I fear my friend will die (post natal depression and ED)

    I remember you posting about her before. You're a good friend for caring so much about her. Often when people suffer from big life issues, their "friends" abandon them. Fair weather friends are so common, and I commend you for looking out for her through thick and thin.

    I think she definitely needs medical attention. Is she aware that she needs help, or is she in denial? It might help if you took the initiative and scheduled an appointment for her and then went with her. Sometimes that first step towards helping yourself is rough.

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