Okay, I’ve seen a lot of big, beautiful houses and I am not all that easily impressed.
But holy fuck! I did a catering job last night at this place near Lake Elsinore. It was in a gated community, but I realized something was up when we followed our directions and pulled up to a gated driveway within this gated community. Overkill, right? But then I saw the house. Jesus! “Is that all one house?!?” I blurted out. It was.
Not only did the house have the predictable huge, gorgeous, state-of-the-art, granite-filled kitchen and ridiculously spacious, beautifully furnished living and dining areas….Their rec room downstairs had a freakin’ bowling alley, with two full-sized lanes, as well as two arcade games for the kids, disco lights to set a party mood, giant framed personalized autographed photos of many local professional sports figures….There was also a gorgeous, granite-topped wet bar down there, with a plasma TV suspended above the bar seating, as well as a fabulous entertainment area, with a beautiful, ultra-luxurious L-shaped sofa, a few other impressive furnishings, an amazing sound system, and yet another (huge) plasma-screen TV facing the couch. Then there was a truly awesome home gym in a separate room. It was insane.
The house was really architecturally interesting (kind of rare here in Cali), and the outdoor areas were absolutely stunning: the most beautiful pool I’ve ever seen, with different levels spilling into each other (I assume at least one was a Jacuzzi), and a curtain of water jets spilling from an archway into the pool at the flick of a switch (I think there may have been a water slide for the kids behind that curtain, but I’m not sure). The night-lighting of the pool was so gorgeous, fading from blue to purple and back again….There was an outdoor bar, a top-of-the-line built-in grill, a really cool circular fireplace with built-in amphitheater seating…
It’s hard to describe how amazing this house was, and I didn’t even see all that much of it! I have no idea what it’s worth but I’m guessing several million.
Not only that…In the driveway and garage, there was a Shelby, a Porsche, a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, a Range Rover, a gorgeous Harley, and two insane custom bikes…Someone told me who they were made by but I forget…Some famous custom bike maker from Arizona—Does anyone know?
Even the garage itself was kind of amazing—every man’s dream workshop, I think.
Whoa. I know I shouldn’t be impressed by this stuff, because, you know, capitalism and consumerism are evil and whatnot. But damn.
The bartender, who I just found out is a fellow biology student at my school, whispered to me, “I get a boner just walking around in this place!” I said, “Me too. You and I picked the wrong course of study if we get turned on by shit like this, though!”
Yeah. Half of me wants to live a self-sustaining lifestyle in a little solar-powered cabin made of recycled materials on some humble plot of land in the middle of nowhere….But the other half of me wouldn’t mind living in a house like the one I worked in last night! Does that make me a bad person?![]()
Of course, the kicker is that, after the client had told us repeatedly what a wonderful job we were doing, and asked us to stay a couple hours longer than we normally would, and after a great many guests asked for our business cards because they were so impressed with the catering….When it came time to tip us, the client said she was short on cash, and we ended up with a measly forty bucks each.One of my fellow waitrons was convinced that the lead on the job had pocketed some extra cash for himself, but I don’t know. He said the client had promised to put more for us on the bill…but that is always bad news because a) it could be months before you get it and b) we are now employees, so taxes will come out of any gratuities that are paid on the bill instead of in cash. Sad.
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Then, after an hour-plus drive back to the catering company kitchen where we had all met to carpool, it was well past midnight and I still had to deal with the fact that I had inadvertently locked my keys in my car before we’d left for the job and did not have my spare with me. (And yes, I know I should have triple-A, but I don’t.)
So….the rest of the evening was quite the odyssey, pretty amusing overall....It involved a really cool coworker chick, her rather obnoxious drunken BF, a couple of her shady friends, a few divey neighborhood bars in the LBC, more Newcastle Brown Ales than I needed to be drinking, a slim jim (which, it turns out, cannot get you into a 2001 Volvo, particularly if it is being operated by some random drunken coked-out stranger…nice of him to try, though), and a ride home and back to my car with a pretty decent fellow, upon whom I nevertheless bestowed one of those two hard-earned Jacksons from the multimillionaires, just to make sure he wouldn’t think I owed him anything else (he'd made it very clear that he was interested, and I'd made it very clear that I am in a thoroughly satisfying relationship). Didn’t get home with my car til five a.m., thoroughly beat but in one piece. I slept til noon and woke up none too refreshed. And now I need to go do schoolwork and finish writing my appeal to the evil bitchez in the financial aid department, begging them to let me have one more year of funding so I can finish my goddamn degree already.
The End.
p.s. I love you guys.![]()



One of my fellow waitrons was convinced that the lead on the job had pocketed some extra cash for himself, but I don’t know. He said the client had promised to put more for us on the bill…but that is always bad news because a) it could be months before you get it and b) we are now employees, so taxes will come out of any gratuities that are paid on the bill instead of in cash. Sad.

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