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Thread: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

  1. #1
    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    As I've posted before, my best friend died in May. It was sudden and without reason; even the doctors who did the autopsy said they couldn't find anything wrong with him...there was no reason at all that he should have died.

    For the most part I'm okay. All day I'll be fine, but at night I'll think about him and cry my head off.

    My wonderful boyfriend has been very sweet, and he wanted to go out drinking last night with a few friends, to help get my mind off of it. It started off great, lots of good drinks, good company, yay!

    But on our way home, we were all at the trolley stop...and it was across from a cemetary. And I thought of my friend being in his grave, and I lost it, sobbing hysterically. I cried so hard I made myself throw up everything I had to drink, in front of my boy, our friends, and the entire line of people waiting for the trolley

    My poor boyfriend. He can't stand being around people throwing up, because it makes him throw up, but he forced himself to stay right where he was, holding my hair, rubbing my back, cleaning my face, and comforting my tears.

    I'm so mortified. I feel so pathetic. And I'm getting very angry at myself that I can't seem to accept and handle the fact that my friend is dead and not coming back.

    So...I need two pieces of advice:
    1) How can I help myself get over this grieving process, and not be a hysterical mess every time I see a tombstone or think about my friend?

    2.) Any ideas for damage control since I humiliated myself?

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    Default Re: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    I am sorry to say, but you can't simply get over it. Only time will help a little, and even then you don't really get over the pain, you just learn to live with it. Try to remember the good times you and your friend had, instead of the times you won't have because he's gone. It's been a few years for me already, but occasionally it's still like a kick to the gut. In those moments I simply get away from large groups and take a few minutes to recoup.
    As for the damage control... what damage control?? You're grieving! Anyone taking offense to that is just an insensitive douche, so don't worry about offending them. As for your boyfriend, if he's as caring as you describe him, he will understand and help you when you need him to be there for you.

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    Featured Member Lyssa Lynn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    I'm very sorry for your loss..and I can empathize, I too lost a very dear friend in May. When I go out drinking and find myself getting emotional..I go outside, away from everyone and talk to him..outloud, I tell him how much I miss him etc. It's helps me, maybe you could try it. As for the damage control...I absolutely second what thing said!

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    I still miss my best friend that got shot, and it's getting near two years now--hard to believe.

    When someone dies unexpectedly, they get yanked away from their life, but also from the lives of the people who cherished them as friends. It's more shocking than when someone who is sick and old finally goes, sad though this can be as well. Harder to come to terms with.

    You can't just ignore this loss like nothing happened. You're going to be upset, you're going to cry, you're going to feel robbed. It's natural, even if it's no fun at all. The solution is to see that life goes on, and you must enjoy your own while you can, and appreciate the new life being born all around us, all the time.

    I never cared much for babies until I had two deaths in a short time, now I like them.

    I agree about the damage control. Fuck 'em if they can't understand the situation.

    You have a good man there, BTW.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

    ______________________________________

  5. #5
    Chicagoeditor
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    Default Re: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post

    You have a good man there, BTW.

    I was thinking the exact same thing.

  6. #6
    DJ Maimed
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    Default Re: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    My mom just recently passed away and I guess I'm still in shock. I've held together good so far.....but if someone held it against me or made fun of me the only "damage control" that person would be worried about was removing my fist or foot from their mouth. Grieving is normal not humiliating...

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    Default Re: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Maimed View Post
    My mom just recently passed away and I guess I'm still in shock. I've held together good so far.....but if someone held it against me or made fun of me the only "damage control" that person would be worried about was removing my fist or foot from their mouth. Grieving is normal not humiliating...
    Right on, DJM!

    One of the biggest challenges I faced while working as a Medical Social Worker at Kaiser Permanente some years ago was assisting the grieving families and friends of terminally ill patients. So many were reluctant to grieve openly because they perceived it as "humiliating" or "soft."

    Elizabeth Kübler-Ross was a doctor in Switzerland who published a book in 1969 called 'On Death and Dying' which included a cycle of emotional states that is often referred to as the Grief Cycle.

    The include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I used to call the stages of the Grief Cycle "Dabda" (D-A-B-D-A) for short 'cause it's easier to remember them that way.

    The Grief Cycle holds true for people confronted with death and bereavement but also can be created by such things as work, relocation, crime & punishment, disability & injury, relationships, financial despair, bankruptcy, etc.

    I've yet to meet someone that was completely immune to experiencing grief...

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    God/dess Farrah_Holiday's Avatar
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    Default Re: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    Its not something you have control over. When my fiance was killed, I was a wreck. I would actually fall on the concrete as I walked down the street at times..
    I didn't even give a second thought to how I looked. Looking back on it now, people must've thought I was crazy ! But, who cares..deal w/ it the best you can. Death is never easy, it's been 10 years since he was murdered. I'm past the feelings but, I'm still not completely over it. I don't think one ever is.

    I'm sorry about your loss..I feel like you'll be doing yourself more harm if you suppress your feelings. Also, there are quite a few books that deal w/ grief.
    I read a few that helped put things in perspective for me. You might want to look for 1.
    My new love...is me !

    Even the greatest authority does not, ultimately, know you as you know yourself.
    Jhuka

    When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
    Maya Angelou


  9. #9
    High_Heel_Lover
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    Default Re: Grief and making a fool out of yourself

    Oh sweety I am so sorry

    A grief counsellor won't take the pain away but it can help. I have lost a few people in my life that were so special to me that almost every day something will come about and they come in to my mind and I smile because I remember all of the good times we had together.

    Have you spoken to a therapist, doctor, priest, minister, anyone?

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